MountainGirl111 Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 (edited) Dazed: Your relationship with this woman is a co-dependent one. Sometimes those types of relationships are the hardest ones to break. Your heart is absolutely TORN over her and you've said it's "doing you in". You MUST take care of yourself FIRST. Just like when flying they always tell you to put your oxygen mask on FIRST. And, that's a perfect analogy for you right now. No matter what happens with her...it would be a crying shame if your own health deteriorated to such an extent that you become a shell of the man you are entitled to be!! You care and are concerned because you are a caring person...but she is a grown woman...and she's perfectly capable to getting the help she needs if she so chooses. As a matter of fact...it's also BETTER for her to figure out how to get herself out of the mess she's in. It's tragic, I know...but the last thing you need is to get further wrapped up in all this. She's going to have untangle herself. I'm sorry for all the hurt and pain you've gone through. I really don't think she ever intended for you to go through that. Not intentional and yes, it's likely her ex has interfered with her being able to see you. She needs to grow a backbone and stand up to him. She's not some weak pitiful thing that can't do for herself. Women can be SOOOOoooo manipulative, though...even if it's on a subconscious level and not deliberate. Many people will ignore the truth of a matter in order to get some sort of "need" met and they often overlook red flags of truth waving in their faces because there is this subconscious "need" driving them to seek out certain things. Something drew her to you and you to her. Likely a "need" of some sort. Edited August 14, 2018 by MountainGirl111
d0nnivain Posted August 15, 2018 Posted August 15, 2018 You are all right and yes it is painful to accept and this whole thing is way too toxic but really this is only going to get worse the longer it goes on anyway I'll cut ties with her and well maybe that'll be what she needs and if not well I'm not going to spend my time waiting and getting hurt over this! Thank you all If you want to leave the door open you can do that. Point blank tell her that you like her & you would like to find out if you & she have something real but you can't do that while he's still in the picture. Invite her to get back in touch when you when they no longer live together. On some level he will always be around because they share a child but that doesn't mean you have to tolerate them sharing a house. Leave the door open but make her walk through it. Meanwhile assume she never will & conduct yourself accordingly. Maybe she will surprise everybody & stand up for herself. 1
MountainGirl111 Posted August 15, 2018 Posted August 15, 2018 Well said Donnivan. It's been my experience that people are more APT to take steps for themselves when they have no other choice but to do so. People don't start taking baby steps until and unless they are ready to cross that threshold. People sometimes don't realize they need to move UP until they have hit a "bottom" and realize that unless they start moving UP they will be DOWN forever. Call it their "breaking point", their moment of "TRUTH" or whatever. There is something like a catalyst of sorts that changes people and causes them to start walking a new direction. The woman in question for this thread may not realize she cannot experience true, good love until that love is taken away. It's very SAD when something like that happens...but the REALITY is she needs a wakeup call and time is running out for her and the good man in question may not be around forever just waiting...I don't blame him at all if he doesn't stick around. It's totally not fair to him. At all. He has been a good friend to her and has been very very patient while she "fiddle-f_rts" around with it. I hope the good man in this thread finds a love that he can truly have a future with.
Author daz3dandconfus3d Posted August 15, 2018 Author Posted August 15, 2018 Thanks for the advice guys I'll let you know how this goes 1
MountainGirl111 Posted August 16, 2018 Posted August 16, 2018 dazed-I hope everything works for the best for you. One thought: If this woman loves and cares for you at all, she would understand if you need to let go. She would want what is best for you. 1
Author daz3dandconfus3d Posted August 18, 2018 Author Posted August 18, 2018 Well, It happened last night we broke things off... It was a mutual thing and it came to a head that she couldn't see me because it was making her life too difficult and she was struggling with being able to see me and going back to not being able too makes sense with how she's been acting.. sad but unless she's willing to do something about that there's nothing to be done! I was brutally honest about how things have been and I left it at when you're ready for a relationship without all the complications get in touch. I guess time will tell if that happens. Thanks for all the advice
bathtub-row Posted August 18, 2018 Posted August 18, 2018 I'm sorry. I wish you guys could've worked things out. You've got a lot of emotional things to get through. Keep writing here if you still need us to chat with. Best wishes.
Author daz3dandconfus3d Posted August 20, 2018 Author Posted August 20, 2018 Thank you we had a chat about it and she feels her mental health isn't in a great to have a relationship with me anytime soon and has been battling with that for a while hence a lot of the hot and cold I'm guessing! She wants to stay friends while she works on her situation and to be totally honest im not sure if it's a good idea or if I should just leave her too it
ExpatInItaly Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 (edited) Thank you we had a chat about it and she feels her mental health isn't in a great to have a relationship with me anytime soon and has been battling with that for a while hence a lot of the hot and cold I'm guessing! She wants to stay friends while she works on her situation and to be totally honest im not sure if it's a good idea or if I should just leave her too it It most definitely not a good idea to remain friends. You want different things, and it's not only her mental health that needs sorting out. She has to extricate herself from her ex-husband, and who knows how long that will take. You will never really heal until she is out of your life. Edited August 20, 2018 by ExpatInItaly
bathtub-row Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 If I were you, I wouldn’t continue to contact her but I wouldn’t shut the door completely, either. Not because there’s a chance things could work out later but because there’s no real need to completely cut off communication.
Redhead14 Posted August 25, 2018 Posted August 25, 2018 From what she has said the only reason she is living with him is because she feels bad about kicking him out because he would end up homeless (the guy is a sponge has no job no prospects no real friends or family) and the situation as it stands is purely for the child and for financial reasons at the moment. Sorry, I don't buy it. A strong secure woman would kick him to the curb. He is not her responsibility. Those children are and should be her priority. He is poor role model for them. And, if he's a sponge and has no job, he's not contributing financially anyway so staying together for financial reasons is BS. It may be for financial reasons, but they are his financial reasons. There is some type of co-dependency going on with her. I'd move on if I were you.
Recommended Posts