daz3dandconfus3d Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 Hey all so a bit of backstory here around 8 months ago I started dating a very old good friend of mine. Things started off great we'd both had feelings for eachother for years but timing was always a massive issue. Started off slow went on lots of dates before stepping things up and becoming serious! First 5 months were amazing literally the best time I've ever had with anyone. She has a young son and unfortunately still lives with the baby daddy I personally beleive he is very abusive and is practicing coercive control over her.. she agrees as does her family. He starts kicking up a fuss and alienating her from her family and friends and eventually me... She wants to keep the peace untill she can get away from him. Her mental health drastically takes a very bad turn ends up on anti depressants doesn't want to leave the house is incredibly unhappy is actively seeking a therapist e.t.c.. things start getting bad between us she starts pulling away.. Eventually we both decided that we couldn't have a relationship with things how they are as it is too difficult and she can't change things as they are for a while! We both decide that we don't really want to end things fully and try keep it going on a more casual level. Now this is where it gets complicated with that in mind shes messing with my mind, I don't think she is intentionally but I think her head is in a really messed up place! She starts going hot and cold on me one day she'll be really full on with me saying that she wants everything with me wants to get married and start a family in the future, that she loves me and is sorry this isn't the right time. I tell her that I love her too want the same and appreciate it's not the right time but when it is we will work at that. Then it's like it switches and she's really friendly but not very emotional.. I've also noticed she tends to do this when she knows I'm out and about or potentially around other women but not exclusively.. we still meet up a few times a month have a date day and end up sleeping together which is always so nice it feels like nothings changed! Recently the ex has started playing up and kicking up a fuss about her coming out to see me meaning that she has cancelled on me a few times because of this! The last time I flipped out and told her to put her foot down! She told me she couldn't and didn't have the strength too. I really do love this woman so much and I really do see an amazing future together and while we can't have a full relationship now she has promised that in a year or so when her son starts school it will be more feasible and give her enough time to get her house in order. However I am finding this whole situation very difficult as I think she is aswell! I'm not sure whether I should call it off and walk away untill she is fully ready to commit if she ever truly will! Im also worried that if I do walk away that it will be for good and any chance of a future together will be lost for good! I finally feel like I've found the one this relationship feels so different from any ive been in before and yet now is not the right time! What are your opinions? Any advice?
preraph Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 One thing I can assure you is that she and the ex are still sleeping together. Why do I know that? Because if she was refusing sex with him, he would have moved on by now. So they still have a relationship and as long as they do, he has a right to kick up about another man coming around. Always remember this if you end up with her: She finds a replacement before she stops her supposed committed relationship, and she'll do the same to you. She is not ready to leave him. She's said it many times. I guess she's waiting for someone to just make this easy for her, give her money to get an attorney and a place to live. Instead of spending time having an affair, if she's serious, she could use that time to work and save up some money and get her own self out of it. You should clear out until she no longer lives with him and has seen a judge and gotten custody arrangement in writing. You being with her would look very bad to a judge in a custody hearing! They do not want extra men around children and don't trust a lot of women to have better sense. I'm not saying you're that way, but judges see it all the time and don't like it. Clear out and date other people. She's not in love enough with you to leave her baby's father at this time.
Author daz3dandconfus3d Posted August 13, 2018 Author Posted August 13, 2018 Unfortunately it's not that simple they were separated for almost a year before we started dating and they live in totally sperate rooms don't share a bed e.t.c as a friend to her before we started dating she told me this and I've seen the living arrangement myself.. as for the sleeping together as a friend before we started dating she told.me they had not been intimate in a very very long time! From what she has said the only reason she is living with him is because she feels bad about kicking him out because he would end up homeless (the guy is a sponge has no job no prospects no real friends or family) and the situation as it stands is purely for the child and for financial reasons at the moment. I did think maybe she was looking for an escape and I offered for her to move in with me and I'd support her but she said while she would absolutely love too live with me running away and brining a child into our relationship so intensely wasn't the right thing to do. I think half the reason she won't do what needs to be done is because I know one for a fact he has given her a complex about the child not making her feel good enough as a mother and that she is a bad mother he used to send her videos when we were out when the child cried and basically say it's your fault..
d0nnivain Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 It's not complicated at all. It's very simple. Until she votes with her feet & no longer lives with the baby daddy, she is unavailable to date you. He's playing her with the cry that he'd be homeless if she kicked him out. If he's an able bodied person he should get a job or couch surf. If he's disabled he should be getting benefits from some agency & would be entitled to subsidized housing. Your "GF" is being used. Until she puts a stop to it, you can't be around her. Maybe you taking a hard line will be the motivation she needs to kick him to the curb. But if she stays with him then you know you were not a priority for her. You have enough self esteem not to get dragged into her mess. 4
Author daz3dandconfus3d Posted August 13, 2018 Author Posted August 13, 2018 I know she is being used completely and that in reality it really is very simple and this is what bugs me because to me I look at it and it's like oh well that's simple enough to fix! Maybe if I do walk it would be motivation but I think with her mental health as it is she would ultimately just take that as a rejection and it would do a lot of damage
Lotsgoingon Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 Question 1: Do you believe you can have a fulfilling long-term relationship with this woman--not 20 years from now, but right now? Question 2: Do you want a long-term relationship with this woman? You present a bit of a soap opera ... the bottom line seems to be that this woman doesn't seem to be in a place to date someone else seriously. Right now, you seem to have no limits or boundaries ... there is no behavior that is unacceptable to you ... you will talk your way around all kinds of drama. If you want to continue to ride this rollercoaster ... that goes forwards and backwards ... stops ... requires you to get off ... buy tickets again ... then board again on a seat that faces the opposite direction as your previous seat ... if that's all OK with you, then keep going. And you missed preraph's point ... If I were to put this scenario in front of 100 people--95 will agree with preraph--as do I. Something is going on with her ex or else she wouldn't have trouble visiting you ... and wouldn't cancel the visits. 1
d0nnivain Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 I know she is being used completely and that in reality it really is very simple and this is what bugs me because to me I look at it and it's like oh well that's simple enough to fix! Maybe if I do walk it would be motivation but I think with her mental health as it is she would ultimately just take that as a rejection and it would do a lot of damage You are not responsible for her mental health. She's a grown woman. She can fix her own mess. If she can't fix her mess & her mental health is so bad that you having some self respect throws her off the deep end, she'd be a lousy long term partner anyway. She will feel 1000% better once she dumps him. Are you sure she actually like you rather than just seeking a white knight to save her? If you like fixer-uppers buy a run down house & have at it. Don't try to fix the people you date. It never works. This woman will bleed you dry financially & emotionally if you let her.
MountainGirl111 Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 Oh dear. What a mess. I think you're right...baby's dad is truly messing with her mind and employing psychological warfare. She's not in a good frame of mind mentally...which makes it more difficult for her to do anything decisive. He's getting away with it too...sad. She's in an abusive relationship and feels trapped. So, what should you do? This is hard, very hard. But you need to think about your own well being. You're walking in a minefield and she is living in a war zone. Not saying this is the case with you, but as a man you likely feel the instinct to rescue her and protect her; especially if you love her. He is trying to cut her off from seeing you. I doubt she is deliberately messing with your mind.
Author daz3dandconfus3d Posted August 13, 2018 Author Posted August 13, 2018 Lotsgoinon answer to question 1 yes I do beleive that this is one of the reasons why I'm so conflicted about what I want to do.. this is also the slsame answer for question 2.. yes I do have issues with boundaries I am very aware of this and am working to try and get better with them.. that's not to say there is no behaviour that is unacceptable. There is plenty of unacceptable things going on here this is why I didn't think continuing a full relationship as things are is a good idea! The trouble with her ex is that for now she has to live with him she is the sole caregiver for her child and can't just up and leave with a very limited income and has to wait for social housing to be freed up! So she is choosing to try and keep the peace whole they are co habitating! Mountaingirl is getting where I'm coming from and yes I do need to think about my own well being I'm finding it very difficult watching this all unfold from the sides and it is taking its toll on me yet I don't want to leave her high and dry seeing as he's basically isolated her! Donn I'm fully aware of that and I'm not trying to fix her I'm encouraging her to find some professional support
Author daz3dandconfus3d Posted August 13, 2018 Author Posted August 13, 2018 Also they are publicly not together she made a very big thing of making it clear to his family that they were done as unfortunately like himself they are very controlling it seems the apple doesn't fall far
Lotsgoingon Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 I'm confused about your answers. Question 1: Do you believe you can have a fulfilling long-term relationship with this woman--not 20 years from now, but right now? Your answer here is "yes"? Question 2: Do you want a long-term relationship with this woman? And your answer here is also "yes"? Sounds like you're basically saying she wants to be available. That's not the same as saying she is available and ready to have a relationship. I want to have a million dollars in the bank ... That doesn't mean ... If you have faith in her ... have faith that she'll get herself together and at some later point, she'll be able to be in relationship. But it's not your job to "wait" and fantasize ....
Author daz3dandconfus3d Posted August 13, 2018 Author Posted August 13, 2018 Ok I'll elaborate personally I beleive I could if she sorts her side of things. untill things went south that's exactly where things were! However as she can't make changes to her circumstance that cannot happen for now and yes I do beleive she wants to be available but can't be! I know what your saying is right and it's not my job and while I don't want to wait forever part of me does as I truly beleive I've found who I want to spend my life with and I don't want any more timing issues to get in the way of that
MountainGirl111 Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 You guys have a long history, right? You've been friends for years, etc. But for whatever reason you couldn't be together. This is rather tragic, really. What I'm hearing from you is you feel this is true love; long lasting love, but bad circumstances. Talk about feeling screwed over. It hardly seems fair. I'll reiterate that your well being is very important. If this is doing you in that's just not good. The circumstances truly suck and she apparently does not know how to un-trap herself. Having the child involved makes it harder and baby's dad has played on her guilt. It doesn't take much to make a mother feel guilty anyways. You're torn, she's torn, the baby's dad is warped.
Author daz3dandconfus3d Posted August 14, 2018 Author Posted August 14, 2018 Precisely mountaingirl it truly does suck and I'm basically almost powerless in this situation but you've got a home run on this I mean she said to me that if it wasn't for the child she would have left in s heartbeat! Truly awful situation
ExpatInItaly Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 (edited) Never get involved with someone who is living with their ex. This never had the legs to last, OP. Unless and until she is out of that house, her priority will always be him. It's not complicated; she isn't available to be in a relationship. Edited August 14, 2018 by ExpatInItaly 2
Author daz3dandconfus3d Posted August 14, 2018 Author Posted August 14, 2018 So the general consensus is walk away untill she sorts her **** out? 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 So the general consensus is walk away untill she sorts her **** out? If you respect yourself at all, yes. 1
Author daz3dandconfus3d Posted August 14, 2018 Author Posted August 14, 2018 See this is the thing I know this isn't healthy and I'm not looking after my own wants and needs at all but I don't want to walk away and lose her for good
bathtub-row Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 This situation is a disaster in the making. She is weak, has no healthy boundaries, and depends on drugs to cope and numb herself out. I know you don’t want to do it and don’t want to hear it, but you need to cut ties with her. Let her know that until she gets her act together, you want no part of the drama. The truth is, the only way she’s going to wake up is for you to walk away and stop encouraging this behavior. You’re letting fear control you but it’s allowing her abusive ex to control all of you. Step away from the insanity.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 See this is the thing I know this isn't healthy and I'm not looking after my own wants and needs at all but I don't want to walk away and lose her for good That's a cue that your self-esteem is not good. 1
d0nnivain Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 See this is the thing I know this isn't healthy and I'm not looking after my own wants and needs at all but I don't want to walk away and lose her for good This is where your thinking is flawed. You don't have her now. You are not walking away from something. You are walking away from what you want but that doesn't presently exist. It can't & won't exist until she gives him the heave ho. 2
Exformer Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 Put aside what she tells you and look at what she's showing you. Her priority always reverts to the ex husband... who she chooses to let live with her...a million excuses as to why...and those reasons aren't rational, which means something else is at play leading her to find these irrational excuses to explain the actions. He can get a job and play for an apartment. He can be a part of his child's life and live separately. She can survive without him if she wants and she doesn't have to put up with him if she chooses. He complains and she complies, and that's the status quo in your life. You say you know this isn't healthy and you aren't looking out for yourself but... everything that comes after that but is just excuse to ignore what you know you should do, because it hurts to accept it ,and requires effort and resolve to do it. You can't lose what you don't have, and you don't have her when she's as deeply involved with her ex. Side note: She probably does sleep with him from time to time. Claiming they haven't had sex in a long time, like she did, could just mean the frequency decreased and doesn't speak for after she made the claim. Sex is probably the only misguided sign she could get that he has any value for her. So, it may not happen often, but if she's that down and unwilling to fight for herself, I wouldn't be surprised if she sought some validation every now and then to excuse making choices that don't make her happy.
bathtub-row Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 (edited) This is where your thinking is flawed. You don't have her now. You are not walking away from something. You are walking away from what you want but that doesn't presently exist. It can't & won't exist until she gives him the heave ho. OP, you might want to tape the above post onto your refrigerator door and read it every time you walk by. No truer words were ever written! I recommend duct tape. Edited August 14, 2018 by bathtub-row
kendahke Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 This isn't complicated at all. You're messing with a woman who has a boyfriend she's not going to give up for you--despite what she's saying to you. She's saying what she needs to say to keep you coming and staying around. This has nothing to do with that guy and everything to do with her. Leave women who are already taken alone--stop trying to save her from herself and her choices.
Author daz3dandconfus3d Posted August 14, 2018 Author Posted August 14, 2018 You are all right and yes it is painful to accept and this whole thing is way too toxic but really this is only going to get worse the longer it goes on anyway I'll cut ties with her and well maybe that'll be what she needs and if not well I'm not going to spend my time waiting and getting hurt over this! Thank you all
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