sickoflove11 Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 I'm having such a hard time moving on from a guy who I briefly dated for 2 weeks, but talked to for maybe a month total. Everything seemed to go really well of course in the beginning, we were coworkers so bad idea from the get go but there was so much physical attraction and I was looking for a new job anyways so I'd be out soon. We talked about how there would be drama and gossip from work, but we would ignore it and just enjoy getting to know each other. It moved pretty quickly, he brought me around his family multiple times but I didn't feel comfortable introducing him to mine just yet. I'm 25 and he's 22 and I usually have a strict no dating under my own age rule... He's not graduated from college, works a park time job, doesn't really have set ambitions or goals so honestly I just really enjoyed his company and the physical part of it. I wasn't thinking LTR just have fun and see where it goes. But of course I developed some feelings. He would mention how he had feelings for me, there were signs that led me to believe he even liked me more than I liked him. So when he ended it over a text it was just really odd and unexpected. His reasoning didn't make sense either so it all just felt like an excuse. Him and a couple people were at this girls house when he sent the text, and I know she is a hugeee drama starter. I am just finding out that she admitted to someone that she played a role in convincing him to break up with me. THIS KILLS ME. To know that someone who I do not respect, said stuff about me and that he didn't feel it was worth bringing to my attention. It's like everything him and I talked about was a lie and this girls opinion means more to him than mine? He's know me the same amount of time as her but has never hung out with her until that night. (P.S this girl is a lesbian so it wasn't like he was into her). I get it, maybe he already had feelings like he wanted to break up even though there were no signs. Or maybe this was all becoming too much drama for him. But why can't I get over it is my struggle. Why am I still so upset and hurt almost two months later? The fact that he couldn't even make this decision on his own and needed others to "convince" him or whatever is also very telling of who he is, but it was just so easy and fun to be around him and I miss that. Making connections with guys is so hard for me. I finally was happy again.
Zahara Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 (edited) OP, if you dated for 2 weeks -- how did you meet his family multiple times? That in itself is a red flag, which I think you observed. He's 22 and immature -- you yourself noted that he isn't as accomplished as you hope for in a potential partner so this ending was in your best interest. When you date, you need to have a strong set of values and boundaries -- know what you want and what you will not settle for or tolerate. If you are looking for a relationship, you need to change your outlook and how you approach dating. If you are looking for fun and no strings attached, then do so but know what your limitations are because most times this type of arrangement never works. You're struggling with feels of being rejected. It's difficult not to question our own self-worth. That's very normal but it's not reality. It has nothing to do with you. It doesn't help that you are in close proximity with him so the sooner you find that job the better. Whether someone convinced him or not, you've not lost a prize here. All that does not matter because realistically this was never going to have any staying power. Keep striving towards finding a new job. This will pass. You're going to be in a new environment with new people and new experiences. When you do step into the dating world again, walk in with boundaries and know what you want. Edited August 13, 2018 by Zahara 1
coolheadal Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 Too young not a man yet. 18 20 21 22 - this is him 23 24 25 - your grown adult You have to lead and let him follow you. Your his teacher now. 1
lurker74 Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 Too young not a man yet. 18 20 21 22 - this is him 23 24 25 - your grown adult You have to lead and let him follow you. Your his teacher now. Um...what? I don't get this. Are you trying to say that she should lead him back into her life? Because no. He's a child and will likely remain one for some time, maybe a decade or longer. 2
MountainGirl111 Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 How disappointing my dear. But in the long run you may have found eventually the two of you are on different pages and that would be a bone of contention in the relationship. Yeah, it does hurt when you know someone is also working against you behind the scenes. But if he was a good guy and a straight shooter he wouldn't have just done what the lesbian encouraged him do. He would have taken other things into account. So he's shown you what he's made of.
stillafool Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 You are hurt because you were rejected by someone who you really thought you were better than. I doubt very seriously that whatever that girl said was the reason he broke up with you. Men usually don't just break up with a girl over some other girl's gossip (unless it is something really bad) when they are having sex with that girl. It could be that he had grown tired of dating an older woman and wanted to date 18-21 year olds. He's so young it was going to end anyway. Good that you're looking for another job.
coolheadal Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 Um...what? I don't get this. Are you trying to say that she should lead him back into her life? Because no. He's a child and will likely remain one for some time, maybe a decade or longer. She said she doesn't date anyone younger than her, but then she did and found out the guy isn't mature enough for her. She's expecting manly man at 22 but he's just past 21 young adult age of 22. They still don't understand relationship so well. She's more experience than she is. She can lead him on or drop him and move on to someone older than 25 years old instead. It's her option.
smackie9 Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 He probably felt you were getting to serious and he wasn't interested in going that far. Sure the lez girl may have said "She's 25, she probably looking to get married and have babies soon.....she might get pregnant on you." ya that would scare the bajezzus out of me too. It was kind of a good thing it dissolved, because it wasn't going to go any further than casual anyways...and catching feelings would have made it more disastrous in the end for you.
mortensorchid Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 I know how you feel. I was rejected in a somewhat similar situation (had a thing for a former coworker and he rejected me, completely different story than yours) but something within me changed after that, I wish I could put words to it and explain but I still can't. I am just broken in a million pieces and that kind of put a box on it or something. But I am in my early forties and you are in your early twenties and I digress … Move on. You have a lot ahead of you still. Unfortunately you're going to find out a lot of these situations in life no matter how long / short you are with someone : Men don't want to commit to you. Why? They either want someone who's lesser than they are ultimately rather than a woman who can hold her own. But that's another thread in itself. 1
stillafool Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 She said she doesn't date anyone younger than her, but then she did and found out the guy isn't mature enough for her. She's expecting manly man at 22 but he's just past 21 young adult age of 22. They still don't understand relationship so well. She's more experience than she is. She can lead him on or drop him and move on to someone older than 25 years old instead. It's her option. He's the one who broke it off.
Author sickoflove11 Posted August 14, 2018 Author Posted August 14, 2018 OP, if you dated for 2 weeks -- how did you meet his family multiple times? That in itself is a red flag, which I think you observed. He's 22 and immature -- you yourself noted that he isn't as accomplished as you hope for in a potential partner so this ending was in your best interest. When you date, you need to have a strong set of values and boundaries -- know what you want and what you will not settle for or tolerate. If you are looking for a relationship, you need to change your outlook and how you approach dating. If you are looking for fun and no strings attached, then do so but know what your limitations are because most times this type of arrangement never works. You're struggling with feels of being rejected. It's difficult not to question our own self-worth. That's very normal but it's not reality. It has nothing to do with you. It doesn't help that you are in close proximity with him so the sooner you find that job the better. Whether someone convinced him or not, you've not lost a prize here. All that does not matter because realistically this was never going to have any staying power. Keep striving towards finding a new job. This will pass. You're going to be in a new environment with new people and new experiences. When you do step into the dating world again, walk in with boundaries and know what you want. Thank you so much this almost made me cry I really appreciate your support and reassurance that it being over is for the best. It's just so hard to accept for me idk. I went to a soccer game of his with his parents and then just I was at his house and met them, and then another time I was at his grandmas kicking a soccer ball around the yard with him and his family. Family is important to him and he seemed to like me around them but I did find it strange so soon. I did get a new job I just had my first week last week and I really enjoy it! I was starting to put things behind me but then someone brought this information to my attention and now I'm at a setback again because I'm over thinking everything :/ I just miss the closeness and the good feelings.
Author sickoflove11 Posted August 14, 2018 Author Posted August 14, 2018 He probably felt you were getting to serious and he wasn't interested in going that far. Sure the lez girl may have said "She's 25, she probably looking to get married and have babies soon.....she might get pregnant on you." ya that would scare the bajezzus out of me too. It was kind of a good thing it dissolved, because it wasn't going to go any further than casual anyways...and catching feelings would have made it more disastrous in the end for you. It's kinda of the opposite situation. He mentioned wanting to be more serious and looking to date not just mess around. I always openly said I don't want to get married or have kids to the lesbian girl (even though I know that could change, 25 is very young imo to have kids and be married). So I think that is actually what could have turned him off honestly if she mentioned that to him. Among other things I'm sure... but he expressed that he wants all of that and I just didn't feel that with him yet (it had been hardly a month of knowing each other..) so I didn't agree or disagree, I just listened. But yes its ok and all fine that it's over, I just can't get it all out of my head and it saddens me. I don't want to be sad or feel less than anymore.
Author sickoflove11 Posted August 14, 2018 Author Posted August 14, 2018 I know how you feel. I was rejected in a somewhat similar situation (had a thing for a former coworker and he rejected me, completely different story than yours) but something within me changed after that, I wish I could put words to it and explain but I still can't. I am just broken in a million pieces and that kind of put a box on it or something. But I am in my early forties and you are in your early twenties and I digress … Move on. You have a lot ahead of you still. Unfortunately you're going to find out a lot of these situations in life no matter how long / short you are with someone : Men don't want to commit to you. Why? They either want someone who's lesser than they are ultimately rather than a woman who can hold her own. But that's another thread in itself. I'm sorry you're hurting also thank you for the kind words though. I try to tell myself I am someone who can hold my own and he is the lesser one and the one who's loss it is, not mine. But as I'm sure you know, feelings can't be flipped like a switch :/ If only.
Zahara Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 (edited) Thank you so much this almost made me cry I really appreciate your support and reassurance that it being over is for the best. It's just so hard to accept for me idk. I went to a soccer game of his with his parents and then just I was at his house and met them, and then another time I was at his grandmas kicking a soccer ball around the yard with him and his family. Family is important to him and he seemed to like me around them but I did find it strange so soon. I did get a new job I just had my first week last week and I really enjoy it! I was starting to put things behind me but then someone brought this information to my attention and now I'm at a setback again because I'm over thinking everything :/ I just miss the closeness and the good feelings. When family is important to you, you don’t just take someone you’ve known for 2 weeks to meet the parents. When someone is serious about dating, they take their time in building a foundation with their partner and when both are in a position of strength within the relationship, they then take the next step of extending it into the family. It’s the mature thing to do. Boundaries are important. There was a reason it felt strange to you. Always listen to your instincts. Tell this messenger to stop bringing you stories. If people care about you they will not bring negativity to your life. Tell this person that you are moving on and that you do not want to receive anymore news about this guy. You miss the closeness and the feel good feelings. You don’t miss him. And you’ll find that again. You’re 25 and there’s so much out there for you. Trust me, I’m twice your age and your life has only just begun! Stay strong, stay focused, stick to your boundaries and values and don’t accept anything less than what you know you deserve. Edited August 14, 2018 by Zahara
Author sickoflove11 Posted August 14, 2018 Author Posted August 14, 2018 When family is important to you, you don’t just take someone you’ve known for 2 weeks to meet the parents. When someone is serious about dating, they take their time in building a foundation with their partner and when both are in a position of strength within the relationship, they then take the next step of extending it into the family. It’s the mature thing to do. Boundaries are important. There was a reason it felt strange to you. Always listen to your instincts. Tell this messenger to stop bringing you stories. If people care about you they will not bring negativity to your life. Tell this person that you are moving on and that you do not want to receive anymore news about this guy. You miss the closeness and the feel good feelings. You don’t miss him. And you’ll find that again. You’re 25 and there’s so much out there for you. Trust me, I’m twice your age and your life has only just begun! Stay strong, stay focused, stick to your boundaries and values and don’t accept anything less than what you know you deserve. Wow that makes a lot of sense. I wish I could have seen past my tunnel vision at the time. He had said that he wanted to create a foundation first and how important that was and so I was totally on board with that. I don't think I realized what my own values and boundaries were at the time because I was so infatuated I just went with it and didn't want to say no. I did turn down a few opportunities go to eat with the family because I was "eating with my own" or whatever reason I used. It just took so long for me to meet a guy again that I felt this way for, and I don't know how I will ever find it in the future. I hate OLD it's so unnatural and awkward for me. I never get to a second date and I just give up. Ugh I will try to stay positive and not lose sight of what I believe in the future though, you are correct there.
kendahke Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 I think it's more than your intelligence has been insulted rather than feelings of loss of a romantic relationship. He pretty much has demonstrated that he's not mature enough to not run his relationships past committees; and if he's giving the word of someone else more weight than yours, then that's all you need to know about how he esteems you. It's tough, but try to come to terms with him just being a huge disappointment. His immaturity reeks.
Zahara Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 It just took so long for me to meet a guy again that I felt this way for, and I don't know how I will ever find it in the future. I hate OLD it's so unnatural and awkward for me. I never get to a second date and I just give up. Ugh I will try to stay positive and not lose sight of what I believe in the future though, you are correct there. Of course you will find it again! When you are clouded by pain and disappointment, it is natural for you to limit yourself to these thoughts of never finding someone. You become short-sighted when you are hurting. It's that defeatist tendency when things seem a little dark. It happens to each and everyone of us after an ending. BUT it is not real. It is not your reality. If you met him and he caught your interest, there will be more of those doors opening for you in the future. You have decades ahead of you! OLD is not for everyone. I tried it many times when I was in my 20s and 30s. I gave up on it. Then in my mid 40's I took a chance, signed up on OLD and met a wonderful man. It may not work for everyone but I'm trying to show you that you should never give up. Stay true to who you are and when it's ready to happen for you, it will. Chin up! Enjoy your new job and look at this as a new beginning. 1
Author sickoflove11 Posted August 15, 2018 Author Posted August 15, 2018 I think it's more than your intelligence has been insulted rather than feelings of loss of a romantic relationship. He pretty much has demonstrated that he's not mature enough to not run his relationships past committees; and if he's giving the word of someone else more weight than yours, then that's all you need to know about how he esteems you. It's tough, but try to come to terms with him just being a huge disappointment. His immaturity reeks. THIS. Also hitting the nail on the head in terms of my feelings I know it wasn't a long enough fling for me to actually be "heartbroken" over or anything of that nature. It's just yes, I feel stupid. I feel he believed others he's know just as long as me, but haven't even had conversations the way we had together. I guess I should add, the girl who was gossiping is friends with his sister and his sister was there too when he ended it over text. Him and his sister are super close so yeah clearly he's going to value her opinion which is only based off the other girls opinion because I'm not friends with the sister... WOW such a messy situation honestly. And he still lives at home in a shared room with his sister, like I get it's expensive to live here but that's just too much for me at my stage of life. This whole post sounds so dumb because yet after everything, I'm still obsessing over it all. Each day gets better but sometimes there's setbacks and I just want to move 100% forward and over it. 1
iVisa Posted August 15, 2018 Posted August 15, 2018 Being rejected is really hard. You should think about it, talk to somebody, and if you need even cry. Then you should take away everything, what remains you about him and move on. I know how it pain. I feel the same. It's hard to forget, but we should. For ourself. For our future. There are a lot of men! We shouldn't waste our time for somebody, who rejected us. Take care! 2
Author sickoflove11 Posted August 16, 2018 Author Posted August 16, 2018 I have definitely talked to people. Friends and a professional, but it's still lingering months later and i'm so disappointed in myself for not being able to overcome it. I had a dream last night about him and I haven't since it ended at the end of June. Why is he coming back into my head this way? In the dream we hooked up and he wanted to try dating again, giving a (lame) reason why he ended it the first time. I just woke up super sad and defeated. I feel hopeless. I do have him on social media but I have his stuff hidden. Sometimes I see his name but that's it. I know I'm dumb for not deleting him but I'm having such a hard time forcing myself to do it.
Desesperado Posted August 17, 2018 Posted August 17, 2018 (edited) You're still young even I you seem to think you don't have time, honestly you do so relax. But take this experience to now be better at dating, because it jumped to my eyes how you failed yourself here. First, you say how you were physically attracted to the guy, I didn't really read anything how marvelous he was, you let the physical get into your head. Next time step back and actively think about the man, does he actually fit within your values and you'll realize if it is only a matter of physical attraction or more. Second, you state how as a rule you don't date younger men, but only to break this rule as well and risk office issues. Only by respecting yourself and your wants, will you be able to have good relationships, so stick to your standards next time they exist for this reason. Third, know what you want in life, it's okay to change one's mind with age and events, but never give 2 different stories like saying to lez girl how you absolutely don't want kids, to then get involved with a man that says clearly he wants them. Decide what's important and stick with it, otherwise you will never be happy with any man. So if you'd applied those 3 rules, this guy obviously wouldn't have qualified as BF and him being crappy or not wouldn't have put you through this blown selfworth, remember only you can know and display what you want from a man, without being military about it, just be real about what you look for and stick with it. Edited August 17, 2018 by Desesperado 1
Zippy2000 Posted August 17, 2018 Posted August 17, 2018 Hey, Sickoflove Why do you want someone who has sided with another girl and wanted to call things off. Its only 2 weeks and with all this drama already. Imagine what it would be like if it was 2 years! Early on things should be set off on a high. Well, that's how romance works doesn't it? Its the honeymoon phase where people are excited to see each other and have fun. Id ask you think again is this guy is of high value. He`s already not worried losing you and to call things off so early means that he`s clearly not that into you. 1
Author sickoflove11 Posted August 19, 2018 Author Posted August 19, 2018 Hey, Sickoflove Why do you want someone who has sided with another girl and wanted to call things off. Its only 2 weeks and with all this drama already. Imagine what it would be like if it was 2 years! Early on things should be set off on a high. Well, that's how romance works doesn't it? Its the honeymoon phase where people are excited to see each other and have fun. Id ask you think again is this guy is of high value. He`s already not worried losing you and to call things off so early means that he`s clearly not that into you. I just wanted the honeymoon phase to last longer (don't we all) so I'm disappointed, obviously. It seemed like we were having fun, he was so reassuring even when I didn't ask him to be, and then he flipped a 180. But I get it, he clearly wasn't that interested if he listened to some drama/gossip. and he's young, whatever. I just feel dumb. For getting involved, for thinking it could last longer. For thinking there wouldn't be drama. For thinking about it still. He is definitely not of high value but I keep putting him up there on a pedestal and wishing for those good feelings again, but really I'm just feeling hopeless. The drama girl was supposed to move states but turns out, she's back so now I really need to stay away from these people. I'm sure him and I would have ended one way or another, but she caused the drama 100%. She gossiped about me to others also so I'm not surprised, again, just disappointed
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