Stuck with dating

[Desesperado]

Hi everyone, I'll try to keep it short but my problem is a bit complicated !

 

I've been dating again for a while after a tough breakup (very cute 28yo), unfortunately 2 big issues have arrisen for me, though I am now friends with my ex and turned the page for good since a while.

 

I'm curious and open minded also the giver type, I like intelligent and cultivated women, I managed to date 3 around my age, but even if I don't want to compare, there just isn't the level of chemistry I had with most exes, or they had such bagage I had to cut it off.

I always feel both in support or also physical aspects, that I give more than women, I always need to initiate more talking to get together or even in bed the woman telling you she want you to make love to her, basically lying there and waiting on me to move...

Even being a giver, I just can't take it anymore I give 100% and get at best 70%, I know lots of women want men to lead but seriously is it too much to ask a little initiative sometimes !? I kind of feel emotionaly burned out from giving again and again to be left in the end.

 

Also call me shallow if you want, being now 36 and looking for a stable relationship, I find mostly women around 35 to be more serious and responsive, but the issue is most aren't as feminine as around 25, also myself not looking my age I can date younger.

So basically the energy and femininity of younger women attract me more, only then to get drama, too much partying and to realize the older women fit my mindset more, yet don't really attract me as much, It's really a ****ty place to be in !

 

I don't really know where to go anymore, last year being single was great I travelled and realised some personal dreams of mine, I see friends and meet my family, do my passions martial arts, photography and music so my life isn't lacking to me I feel whole like this, but still would love to share with someone, not living alone forever.

 

Any insights are welcome, thanks !

Edited August 13, 2018 by Desesperado

[Lotsgoingon]

Well I got to tell you ... I have never found women around age 35 less "feminine" than women at age 25.

 

On having to do most of the talking ... The entire point of dating is to AVOID giving more than the other person gives. The point is to see if there is some easy chemistry where you both talk and listen with energy. If there isn't, you and the person aren't a good fit ... polite date ... You rule out this person as a possible good partner for you. Date is a success!

 

On over-giving ... read up on setting "boundaries" ... huge topic out there. Most likely you grew up with weird boundaries (as I did) ... and you learned a coping strategy of working hard to get the attention of others.

 

You don't need to or want to work hard on a date. It's counterproductive to finding if there is chemistry there. Show up and chill and let it happen.

 

The point is if there is going to be a real relationship the other person has to have as much energy and interest and enthusiasm about you and meeting you as you about them.

 

Constant talking cannot "turn on" their interest.

[d0nnivain]

I don't know what you mean by less feminine. I have become forthright as I have aged. Is that what you mean? Older women are much more no nonsense & you don't like that "masculine" energy because you prefer somebody more docile & passive?

 

It seems to me that an "intelligent & cultivated" woman will have opinions.

 

If you are simply talking about wearing frilly flowery outfits, those don't play well in the work place.

[MountainGirl111]

As you get older you may find you're looking for compatibility and companionship moreso than excitement. As far as taking the initiative in the bedroom, older women actually have that down better than some of the younger women. Just hang in there and keep an open mind. It's wonderful that you've gotten to see and experience the world and explore things you love to do. Yes, it can get lonely at times, but never compromise your principles just to have company. Continue to be picky. And yes, I understand you don't want to deal with too much drama. That gets old real quick.

 

I knew a guy; we weren't BF/GF or anything. He was a former co-worker. Well, he was married and started having an affair with a gal way younger than him. Up until that point he and his wife had a very good life, but they were childless. But, she was a good wife. So, he began the affair and he was likely going through a mid life crisis...the young girlfriend made him feel like stud and she eventually got pregnant accidentally...and she wanted to keep the baby and expected him to leave his wife and marry her. So, then he was forced to tell his wife what was going on because the young girlfriend was going to have his baby afterall and he wanted to be a dad. So he told the wife and proceeded to get a divorce. And then started making wedding plans with the young girl. It didn't take long before he realized what a terrible mistake he had made. The young girl started to drive him crazy...started spending his money on wedding plans...too much spending...and she started to be a slob...and had no organizational skills....she was a terrible cook and he missed his wife's cooking....he grew weary of his fiance very quick, but by then he was sort of TRAPPED! He found himself rolling his eyes more and more over things she did. *sigh*. And the moral of the story is the age difference turned him on at first, but ended up turning him off later.

Edited August 14, 2018 by MountainGirl111

[Gretchen12]

I don't agree that 35 y.o. is less feminine than a 25 y.o. But then you know a 36 y.o. man would also be less masculine than a 26 y.o. man. There isn't much you can do about your age. You'll hit 40 in four years. If you're still looking at 25 year olds at 38 it starts to get creepy, and your chances of finding a suitable partner just gets worse and worse. You don't have much time.

[Desesperado]

Well I got to tell you ... I have never found women around age 35 less "feminine" than women at age 25.

 

On having to do most of the talking ... The entire point of dating is to AVOID giving more than the other person gives. The point is to see if there is some easy chemistry where you both talk and listen with energy. If there isn't, you and the person aren't a good fit ... polite date ... You rule out this person as a possible good partner for you. Date is a success!

 

On over-giving ... read up on setting "boundaries" ... huge topic out there. Most likely you grew up with weird boundaries (as I did) ... and you learned a coping strategy of working hard to get the attention of others.

 

You don't need to or want to work hard on a date. It's counterproductive to finding if there is chemistry there. Show up and chill and let it happen.

 

The point is if there is going to be a real relationship the other person has to have as much energy and interest and enthusiasm about you and meeting you as you about them.

 

Constant talking cannot "turn on" their interest.

 

Of course I have learned to set my boundaries, I know that's why before I would always be left by women, I didn't really draw the line, but after being taken for a fool too much, I can tell you now I have very clear and strong boundaries.

2 months ago I dated a woman which looked great, suddenly to be all stressed because of my busy schedule, though I always told her what I was doing, to show her I wasn't playing any games.

She got so insecure at some point that she managed to freak me out and it came from her last relationship too, refusing to talk about it, that I ended things, telling her it was too much that I'm not responsible for her insecurities and that it's her job to work on that. Not wasting my time anymore on people that aren't stable and she was 36 like me !

 

The issue is where I live women have lists of requirements and are very picky, they all expect to be wined and dined, shook head over heals and then they give a bit back, so it's not easy having boundaries but still getting dates, there are dozens of guys with no boundaries ready to take your place, I just tire from all this.

 

As you get older you may find you're looking for compatibility and companionship moreso than excitement. As far as taking the initiative in the bedroom, older women actually have that down better than some of the younger women. Just hang in there and keep an open mind. It's wonderful that you've gotten to see and experience the world and explore things you love to do. Yes, it can get lonely at times, but never compromise your principles just to have company. Continue to be picky. And yes, I understand you don't want to deal with too much drama. That gets old real quick.

 

Thanks in fact I rarely feel lonely, I'm an adventurer at heart and can be by myself for months without any problems, being passionate by nature and music that doesn't make me the most social person.

I have no problem being social, but at some point I want alone time.

 

I'm not from the US, so maybe where I live is weird, but me and my friend's experience is that young women are more eager and joyfull in bed, while the older women tend to be more on the starfish side...

But yeah I don't need the drama I'm very sarcastic and if I get drama I just can't stop making fun of the person, it doesn't work for me.

 

As for feminine, again maybe where I live is weird, but the women wearing nicest dresses and behaving the most feminine are mostly young, the older tend to stay in the jeans and not seem to really take care of themselves so much.

I'm generalizing but really that's the trend nowadays.

Also understand as I practice martial arts, I'm serious about staying in shape and most 35and above i meet let themselves go a bit, which I don't like, sport is good for health and mind.

 

I want women to have opinions, it's not because I like women to behave pretty feminine, that I'm in search for a trophy blond bimbo cliché woman.

All my exes had PHDs so really those bimbo aren't my thing they bore me !

 

It's just that the pool of datable women is almost non existent with all this said and as I explained liking alone time, I'm not going in huge social meetings so much anymore, so difficult meeting someone.

 

The word is really I'd love to meet someone, but I'm exhausted from trying. Sorry I'm not here to be pitiful and get attention, just explaining this difficult situation on dating, I can't wait for my vacation to break this cycle for a while !

Edited August 14, 2018 by Desesperado