broken up with due to depression?

[bethany2406]

Hi, my boyfriend of one year broke up with me 3 weeks ago saying that he needs to be alone and can't cope with having someone be dependent on him at the moment. He is suffering from what we both believe to be depression although he's never had an official diagnosis, but has said he's feeling extremely hopeless, stating he has 'less reason to live everyday' and lack of motivation or interest in anything. He has stated that he suffered a period like this around 6 years ago and it eventually went away so that is his plan this time, to wait for it to just pass. I have been absolutely broken-hearted and confused over the last 3 weeks as we were so very happy and in love until around a month before the break up. He is the most loving, kind & beautiful soul I've ever known but I noticed a massive personality change around a month before the break up. He started getting annoyed at little things for example I cleaned his room in an attempt to help his state of mind, he lost his temper that I'd moved everything and said I shouldn't have bothered as well as being considerably less affection and loving towards me. He also stated that his depression has changed the way he feels about our relationship and that he feels numb. He'll often say things such as 'you need someone stronger than me' and 'I don't want to drag you down with me' even though I'm insistent neither of these things are true.

 

We are still extremely close as we were friends for 3 years prior to being together so I'm trying to support him through this as his friend, we speak every day as we did when we were together. He often confides in me about his depression but also one minute he'll say that he doesn't want to give me hope that we're going to get back together by us talking all the time. Then he'll state that he really misses me and is so thankful I'm still in his life and doesn't want to lose me.

 

The people that I've spoken to regarding this have advised me to stop speaking to him and move on however that is not an option I am considering. I love and care for him deeply and would like to always be in his life.

 

I continue telling him that I love him every day and how much I miss him but I'm not sure whether that's helpful for him to hear. My question is has anyone else experienced this or has any advice on how to get through it? particularly anyone who has been in his position and can offer advice on what helped. I am hopeful of a reconciliation as I know that there is still love there and it was amazing before we were hit with this, however in the meantime I want to support him in whatever way I can.

 

Thanks,

 

Beth

[Zahara]

The people that I've spoken to regarding this have advised me to stop speaking to him and move on however that is not an option I am considering. I love and care for him deeply and would like to always be in his life.

 

I have to concur with these people because if anything you're setting yourself up for more hurt. I understand you love and care for him, but you need to self-preserve. Your care for him cannot come at the expense of your own emotional and mental wellbeing.

 

You can suggest counselling to him. He can lean on his friends and family. You however, with your emotional attachment cannot be that crutch for him. You mentioned that this has happened before and he had to wait for it to pass. If you continue your relationship with him, how many more of these episodes do you think could potentially occur and how many more dumps do you think you will endure each time he finds himself depressed?

 

I continue telling him that I love him every day and how much I miss him but I'm not sure whether that's helpful for him to hear.

 

Stop doing this. If anything, it's going to push him further away because you're forcing emotions on him that he currently can't feel for you.

 

I am hopeful of a reconciliation as I know that there is still love there and it was amazing before we were hit with this, however in the meantime I want to support him in whatever way I can.

 

Lesson one -- do not project. He is showing you that his feelings for you have changed. You need to focus on reality versus what you once had and how you feel about him. Projecting what you feel and think on someone else is a recipe for disaster because it plants false hope.

 

I understand you want to support him, but you need to think logically here. How much are you going to invest and at what cost?

[Lessonsinlove]

I was in a relationship for roughly two and a half years with someone who has been diagnosed with depression and it was the toughest relationship I've ever been in.

 

It's not something that will ever fully pass I'm afraid, there will be times where he will feel better but he won't be fully fixed. If you stay close to him then you'll be first in the firing line if he feels particularly bad. It's true that people with depression isolate themselves and even if they have a partner and, or lots of friends they still feel lonely. He will be irritable, and doing things for him such as cleaning his room could cause him to snap.

 

You'll never be able to do enough for him to make him feel better. In my own personal experience, medication made my relationship worse from my point of view. They'll feel virtually nothing, it'll be like they've fallen out of love with you. At times it'll look like he's being selfish, but because his mind is so occupied overthinking and with how he feels it'll seem like he can't accommodate you in his life.

 

The best thing you can honestly do is tell him to get some professional help. I played the doctor role for far too long and it'll seriously effect your mental well being. You don't need pressure like that in your life believe me. I'll be honest and say it didn't work out for me, and I had to block her from my life eventually because she was so messed up. She actually got worse once we split up, so I can take heart knowing I was doing something right.

 

He knows how you feel, back off and see if he seeks the help he needs.

Edited August 13, 2018 by Lessonsinlove

[preraph]

It does sound just like depression. I had depression for 10 years. Some depression you can kind of keep busy and distracted and it's just aimed at one circumstance but you're still functioning, but a major depression that lasts some time does make you unable to take on anything or anyone else that you don't have to. You will isolate yourself, definitely. It's overwhelming. He has nothing left over at all. He is running on empty. Just accept that.

 

Now, whether you stay or go would to me depend on if he will see a psychologist or psychiatrist and get on some meds for this. I know next you're going to tell me that he distrusts doctors and meds because I've rarely met a mentally ill person who doesn't. But that would be my condition to him for sticking it out: He gets professional help and follows whatever the doctor's instructions and prescriptions are. If he won't help himself, you can't help him, I can tell you that.

 

And yes, it should abate in time, but will he get so far down he's suicidal or something is a big concern. But you can't save him. He needs professional help. You should be sure his family or whoever has the most influence on him (maybe a brother or sister or parent or friend) knows he needs intervention.

 

Good luck.