Worst feeling after a rebound relationship

[MrMr]

This is a long one, I beg you to stay with me, please

I met her in early May and we immediately had a connection. We talked for hours on end and the sex was awesome.

She told me she has never been able to open up to a man like that. Both sexually and spiritually. She felt she could open up to me completely. We had awesome conversations, I took her to places and she seemed truly happy.

 

After six weeks I was in love with her. She repeatedly said that the thing we had was something very special.

 

I gave her spiritual comfort during hard times. Her uncle just passed away. I had to cry to, we shared this moment and I thought, I have to support this girl, this cannot be a coincidence. I met family and friends of her and they all were very supportive and kind. I felt welcome.

 

Of course she had many problems. She had a burnout, break up, and her uncle died. And family had illnesses like Scizophenia etc. What I did not look for were warning signs. And there were some. They must have broken up in late March/early April, so it's virtually impossible to start a new relationship because you're mentally most likely not able to get involved in a new relationship.

 

I ignored it. She seemed so happy because she told me again and again, that she never expected to meet somebody like me, who she could share everything with. And of course. The sex was the best she ever had (guys, I promise, I'm not telling you this to brag, this girl means a lot to me...)

 

Then it took a drastic turn for the worse...

 

In early July she texted me and said that we had to talk about us. Then we sat down on a bench and she started crying. Said that she didn't think that her ex-boyfriend is a bad person, but he cannot show his feelings and probably has narcissistic tendencies etc... And said that her feelings for him are real and deep.

 

I was floored. In complete shock. But in such moments I'm able to swallow everything (very unhealthy). And said that I understand that she has to sort out her feelings because she had much trouble in her recent past.

 

So we agreed to a break. Because she said there is something for me too.

 

Three days later she called me and said "Don't worry, I will meet with my ex now. I worried like hell. The feeling I felt in my stomach... . I said ok, I trust you. She told me that she wants to sort things out.

 

What I didn't get back then, because I was blindly in love was, that if a girl tells you she has deeper feelings for her ex, she doesn't want to sort things out, she wants to get back in.

At least that's what I think now.

 

In the evening we called and she was very down and said. Didn't say much other than that he was not understanding and it's useless.

 

Another two days later she called and said she was in a good mood and it would bother her, if I saw somebody else. I thought, well, great, back in the right direction.

 

Two weeks passed and then she said: Hey lets talk Tuesday and on Thursday we have our comedy thing.

 

What happens next is the worst thing I ever felt.

 

I called her and she told me she had back pain. I offered her to come over and she immediately was very happy but she needed to do some mail stuff first.

 

Two hours passed no reaction. Then came a text:

 

You know, I don't think it's a good idea if we see each other today and maybe have sex again, because I would feel bad.

 

I know that I will need much time to process the things with my ex.

 

I would really like to be friends with you but I cannot have a relationship.

 

I like you so much as a person but I don't want to hurt you, Do you understand that?

 

The floor collapsed under my feet. We haven't had no contact for almost three weeks now.

 

What I think is, that during the time she wasn't over her ex, I came into play and confused her. Because everyting was going so smoothly I delayed her surpessed memories to come up.

 

 

Hope is the worst achor in a time like this. But I canont help it. She so often stated that what we had was so much better than her old relationship. And i believed her. I hope in my heart that when I give her time to think about everything and work the stuff through with her ex she will reach out.

 

In my head it's like, she must be thinking "After all I hat with Patrick, I cannot go back to the old relationship, even though I have feelings for him." Sure it doesn't work like that.

 

Their relationship lasted for 9 months and they fought a lot. She even went on vacation for 4 weeks in the US on her own.

 

I know that time heals. But I still hope she will reach out and maybe we can slowly appreach each other again.

 

Thanks for reading this. Helps me a lot!

[ExpatInItaly]

Unfortunately, you are absolutely correct: she is not over her ex. Not by a long shot. And I think they're probably about to get back together.

 

Love isn't logical, sadly. So while she had a great time with you, and he knows you are a good guy, she is in love with someone else - even if that someone else isn't good for her.

 

In the future, stay far away from someone so fresh out of a relationship. She was looking for another guy to fill the void and make her feel good about herself again, and while I don't think she had a malicious intention with you, she wasn't with you for the right reasons. She was dating as a coping mechanism to deal with her pain from the split.

 

Stay No Contact and try to enjoy the rest of your summer.

[Lessonsinlove]

I've been in a similar situation recently although in your case I'd have been her ex. But whilst she was with you she was still emotionally attached to him. She sounds confused about what she wants so let her figure that out for herself.

 

The fact that you yourself called it a rebound relationship tells me that you've accepted what it was and it's time to move on. After a few more weeks of no contact you'll feel better. What's meant to be yours will eventually be, it's confusing I know....

 

Don't offer friendship or anything else it'll stop you from moving on fully (Been there done that)

[MrMr]

Thanks for your answer guys. Yeah it was a big mistake and very intense.

 

Friendship is not an option.

[CKJD]

Oh dude, I'm so sorry.

 

My situation was very, very similar to this and I know how much it hurts. The sex is incredible, the potential is there and then it just goes flat one day. To make matters worse you get all the confusing back and forth behaviour; you start to turn inward and blame yourself, and finally your heart becomes a stepping stone for them to just vanish. It sucks so much.

 

The worst feeling is that even if they don't get back together with the ex (which hopefully they don't if this person isn't good for them) you could potentially waste months thinking that they'll see what you saw in you guys as a couple again, but more than likely they will move on to somebody else when they actually are ready to give themselves again.

Very terrible brand of heart-ache.

 

I don't want to give you false hope, but if you parted maturely (which it sounds like you did) then you never know, she may reach out. But close the door on her now so you can focus on the healing. You deserve someone who is willing to give you the love back, without the drama of an ex.

 

You have a hard road ahead of you, but if you try and value what you did have with this person whilst also not excusing her for using you a little bit, you will begin to move on.

 

I had a big moment of acceptance today and it feels bloody good. Yours is coming if it hasn't already.

 

Chin up, man. You're a catch.

[MrMr]

Words cannot express the gratitude for your comments. I really appreciate it!

[Iris The Butterfly]

I can very much relate to this situation and I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. The best thing to do is take space and let her go. Even though what you had was special, find peace in the fact that she was honest with you and it ended in a mature way with open communication. As it stands she doesn't want a relationship with you. It's impossible to just be platonic friends so look at it this way, it's gotta be an all in or all out if feelings are involved. That's what I tell myself anyway. You can't give your heart to someone who has one foot out the door.

 

Red flag #1 as you've mentioned is that she was recently out of a serious relationship. I dated someone who was just 3 months out of a 4 year relationship when we met. I was aware he was recently single but he really pursued me and seemed very interested. We spent lots of time together, dates, wonderful amazing sex, it was passionate and intense and we became very close. We did couple things. We spent the holidays together and we met each others' friends and I met his family. Looking back I think he was using me as a 'replacement' girlfriend to get over the pain of his breakup that he had ended twice with a woman who was "selfish and an angry person". Which makes us wonder, right, if their ex was so bad, why did they go back once or want to go back again? Sometimes when a person has anger for an ex it is a very good cue that they're not over it.

 

As with you, I don't believe it was to intentionally hurt us but at some point they realized what they were doing once feelings got involved. And that's why they started to back out. As I found out he was still in contact with his ex while we were dating too. He said something very similar to me as she did to you, after months of dating, "I would really like to be friends with you but I cannot have a relationship." He said he had old feelings come up and was in no kind of headspace to start something new and serious. Ultimately he was honest but he still wanted to be 'friends' wink wink, meaning sex and dates but one foot out the door. That hurt me too much.

 

Even though these people are seemingly trying to move on by dating us, and there are clearly feelings involved, I think they come to a point that they realize that they are still hung up in the past, maybe having second thoughts about ending their previous relationship, and they are letting us know that they are emotionally unavailable and not interested in going deeper with us. It's not possible to just be 'friends' because there are feelings involved.

 

My best advice is that you leave it just as you left it and never reach out to her again. You both communicated your feelings maturely and respectfully, she told you she doesn't want a relationship with you. Unless she says otherwise, you can't be friends, friends who have sex, etc. It's better, trust me, that you don't speak at all. My guy spent what would be the last night with me, we acted normally, everything was wonderful, same as always. We texted a couple times after that and he left on a trip out of the country and we never spoke again. That was 5 months ago. One of our last conversations about the relationship was a couple days before the last time we saw each other. I told him that if he was dealing with stuff with his ex or just wanted to be single or had things to figure out, he should go ahead and do that but I was not going to be involved. He said that he didn't want another relationship, he just got out of one, he was still heartbroken, he wasn't ready, etc. I said very calmly, "I understand, but I want more than that." Even though he pretty much disappeared, still we were able to part ways knowing and respecting each others' truths.

 

You must let her go and come to peace with whatever she is going through and accept that despite the connection you had, she is not in a headspace to get involved with you in the way that you want to be with her. I know it hurts and it will hurt to not have her in your life, but just trust that having NC and allowing time and space is in your best interest. She could get back with her ex, or meet someone else, or just want to be alone/single and keep her options open.

 

She may or may not come back or reach out so please don't wait for it. If you have to, block her number.... just for the simple fact of knowing that you can't wait on her call. If she really wanted to reach you she would find a way. Mine never contacted me and it's been 5 months. I think he did reconnect or try to rekindle with his ex at one point. You really need to just wish her well and find compassion even though your heart is broken.

 

I was angry at certain times at my guy thinking he was 'using' me as a rebound but I really don't think it was intentional. He had feelings for me, like she did for you. It makes sense that once things started getting deeper with us, they started to panic or feel confused about their residual feelings for the ex and their feelings for us. I wasn't ok with being anything but #1 to him, so I let him go. I miss him every day, but I've really come to a peace that he wasn't ready and was still tied up in his past. And in a way, I'm glad aren't in communication so I can be open to meeting someone who IS ready.

 

It's very heartbreaking, I understand this all too well. Hang in there. Stay no contact!

Edited August 14, 2018 by littlebridge

[MrMr]

@littlebridge and all the others: Thank you so very much for your comments. It helps me in the evening to read through them before going to sleep. I have tears in my eyes writing this(not easy to admit this as a man). I have deleted her from my contacts. I think she will get it as soon as she cannot see my picture and status anymore.

 

This was really hard to do. I think everything happens for a reason. Now it seems to be the worst thing in the world, but I am confident that in a few months I will see clearly.

 

Tests are handed to us in life. We wouldn't be handed those tests if we couldn't handle it.

 

I will get through it. If she reaches out, I will make clear once again that a friendship is not an option for me.

 

If she says she had a break and wants to try it again. Maybe. But only if she did not get back to her ex first and found out again that it didn't work.

 

Thanks again guys!

Edited August 14, 2018 by MrMr

[Marc878]

She wants a break hoping he'll come back.

 

Don't make the mistake of projecting your feelings onto her.

 

Hard NC

[Ralph79]

In early July she texted me and said that we had to talk about us. Then we sat down on a bench and she started crying. Said that she didn't think that her ex-boyfriend is a bad person, but he cannot show his feelings and probably has narcissistic tendencies etc... And said that her feelings for him are real and deep.

 

I was floored. In complete shock. But in such moments I'm able to swallow everything (very unhealthy). And said that I understand that she has to sort out her feelings because she had much trouble in her recent past.

 

Mistake #1

 

You completely destroyed any sense of respect and dignity she could've had for you by doing this. You were her BF. The moment she even mentioned her Ex, you should've stopped her there. By allowing her to "sort out her feelings", and accepting to put your relationship not to mention YOUR feelings ON HOLD (As if that's even possible), you validated her gut feeling that approaching her Ex was worth risking you, because you completely downplayed the importance of your relationship.

 

So we agreed to a break. Because she said there is something for me too.

 

You know this already, but I'll point it out just in case. You didn't agree to take a break. She left you no choice.

 

Three days later she called me and said "Don't worry, I will meet with my ex now. I worried like hell. The feeling I felt in my stomach... . I said ok, I trust you. She told me that she wants to sort things out.

 

What I didn't get back then, because I was blindly in love was, that if a girl tells you she has deeper feelings for her ex, she doesn't want to sort things out, she wants to get back in.

At least that's what I think now.

 

When your GF tells you she has feelings for her Ex, the only thing that means is that she has ZERO respect for you , and you need to be pissed off, assertive and tell her to GTHO with that crap. You are not a stand-in boyfriend for ANYONE. But you allowed her to treat you as one. And that is what has you gutted.

 

In the evening we called and she was very down and said. Didn't say much other than that he was not understanding and it's useless.

 

Another two days later she called and said she was in a good mood and it would bother her, if I saw somebody else. I thought, well, great, back in the right direction.

 

Two weeks passed and then she said: Hey lets talk Tuesday and on Thursday we have our comedy thing.

 

What happens next is the worst thing I ever felt.

 

I called her and she told me she had back pain. I offered her to come over and she immediately was very happy but she needed to do some mail stuff first.

 

Two hours passed no reaction. Then came a text:

 

You know, I don't think it's a good idea if we see each other today and maybe have sex again, because I would feel bad.

 

I know that I will need much time to process the things with my ex.

 

I would really like to be friends with you but I cannot have a relationship.

 

I like you so much as a person but I don't want to hurt you, Do you understand that?

 

The floor collapsed under my feet. We haven't had no contact for almost three weeks now.

 

Again, Please know that even though my words may be harsh, I know what you are feeling. I have been there. I was married to a girl who left me for her ExBF. And I was too weak to resist the urge to beg her not to leave. It took me years to overcome being treated like a floor mat that way. At least you didn't tie the knot and figured you were set for the foreseeable future. It could've been worse.

 

What I think is, that during the time she wasn't over her ex, I came into play and confused her. Because everyting was going so smoothly I delayed her surpessed memories to come up.

 

 

Hope is the worst achor in a time like this. But I canont help it. She so often stated that what we had was so much better than her old relationship. And i believed her. I hope in my heart that when I give her time to think about everything and work the stuff through with her ex she will reach out.

 

In my head it's like, she must be thinking "After all I hat with Patrick, I cannot go back to the old relationship, even though I have feelings for him." Sure it doesn't work like that.

 

Their relationship lasted for 9 months and they fought a lot. She even went on vacation for 4 weeks in the US on her own.

 

I know that time heals. But I still hope she will reach out and maybe we can slowly appreach each other again.

 

Thanks for reading this. Helps me a lot!

 

Time soothes all wounds my friend, but if heartbreak has thought me anything, is that it's usually presents an opportunity for us to look within our souls. This woman broke your heart into pieces. Or so you think.

 

The reality (in my personal opinion) is that you have empowered your feelings for this girl to the point were it has shaken up your ability to look at things objectively. After what I've gone through, if my Girl tells me she has deep feelings for an Ex, I will respond by calling an Uber and asking for his Address to send her on her way and to know where to send the divorce papers.

 

I don't expect you to overcome this overnight. The best thing I ever did was come to these forums with my problems and get advice from very wise posters. But rest assured that things will get better. How fast ? That's up to you.

[MrMr]

Mistake #1

You completely destroyed any sense of respect and dignity she could've had for you by doing this. You were her BF. The moment she even mentioned her Ex, you should've stopped her there. By allowing her to "sort out her feelings", and accepting to put your relationship not to mention YOUR feelings ON HOLD (As if that's even possible), you validated her gut feeling that approaching her Ex was worth risking you, because you completely downplayed the importance of your relationship.

 

You're right. I was trapped. Trapped in the shock I felt in that moment. I saw the sand running through my fingers. The sand being the relationship. Desperate to find a solution I made all the wrong choices out of fear... I just was in utter shock and like "what the hell is happening here?". I should have ended it on the spot.

[Iris The Butterfly]

Any updates on this? Wondering how you are coping.

[MrMr]

Any updates on this? Wondering how you are coping.

 

This turned out the worst way possible. I'm in the hospital for complex post traumatic stress disorder. I wanted to comit suicide. She sent voice messages like: I really think you're the perfect man for a woman and also for me BUT I cannot control my feelings for my ex...and it so often seemed that feelings show up BUT...and ex again. Every word she said was another nail through my heart.

 

I had traumatic experiences during childhood regarding abandonment and the abrupt ending of the relationship really caused havoc.

 

And the conversation with her turned ugly as well unfortunately.

I went to her place on August 14 or 15 unnanounced and we talked for two hours, she told me if I wanted to I could take a shower(???) and she wanted to call off a meeting with a female friend of hers to continue hanging out with me, but I was done I couldn't handle her presence anymore.. In tears I left her place.

 

One week later she changed her phone number. Two weeks later she sent me an e-mail: I have to translate from German:

 

Hi...how are you? I hope you're feeling better, and will be stable again soon.

 

Then she started to turn on me: the day you came to my place unnanounced was botheting me. She accused me of being something like a "stalker". Exactly the opposite she said when I was at her place: Look, you faced your fears and I didn't turn down the conversation.

 

She ended with: We can talk or write but I want my boundaries to be respected.(first you call me stalker and then you want to talk?!)

 

I was so confused and replied: I cannot talk or write at the moment. Maybe in a few months. All the best...

 

Then she raged: ...it wasn't me who disrespected your boundaries, you disrespected mine. Don't make me the one who's guilty!

 

I explained everything to her that the last talk we had was good and everything fine, that I cannot understand her reaction.

 

She didn't even bother to say anything about that! She straight went back to the other message(maybe in a few months...)

 

I mean this message! Don't pretend I was the one who bothered you!

 

...

 

I anwered that I really don't understand her reaction and it's best if we keep a distance. No more replies from her so far.

 

This was last week. I suffered the breakdown shortly afterwards.

 

Of course, the mental illnesses in her family, uncle and grandma schizophrenic may play a role. She was also in therapy for borderline/narcissistic traits(switched between grandiose stuff to vulnerable) but at the moment I was dating her I thought she's just different.

 

The bright side of the relationship altough I can barely see it at the moment is that I have now the time to focus on very hard core trauma work to fix this issue. Maybe a blessing in disguise. Thanks guys for sticking with me so long...

 

All the best.

[CKJD]

That's terrible. I'm sorry this experience has turned your life upside down.

 

But look at the brightside...you are out of a crappy relationship and working on your trauma wounds.

 

Better days ahead.

[MrMr]

We're back together! Sometimes fate really is awesome.

I reached out and talked to her again and she said that the feelings for her ex were causes by trauma because he stole her money. But for me she only has good feelings. She's in therapy and continues to work on her issues and I will work on my core trauma childhood problems. Thanks for your support. Bye!

[Lotsgoingon]

Wow! Good luck.

[rudeb]

Congratulations! Both to your recovery process and you two getting back together.