I met this guy on Bumble almost a month ago.....

[hypnosischica]

Hello, I’m new here in this forum trying to look for advice or insight to what’s going on with me. I met this guy on Bumble almost a month ago and he had just signed up the day we met and he liked me and I liked him back and we started talking. After a while that we were messaging on the app he asked if he could give me his phone number and obviously I said yes so then we were texting and I was still down emotionally because my biological father passed away.

 

He said I can go give you a hug and he wanted to come over and give me a hug and I said you know what would be almost as good as a hug a phone call! So, we talked for a long time and he invited me out for dinner on Thursday (this was a Monday), on Wednesday randomly I think I invited him to come have wine with me and we met up. As soon as I saw him in person I was not attracted to him whatsoever, but I had so much fun and he's such a sweet guy that I went with it. He stood up to order a bottle of wine because he knows about wine and all this stuff and I saw his shoes I loved them! I made a point of telling them that I loved his shoes.

 

I asked him what size of shoe do you wear? And he said like a 10 or 10 1/2. And I was like that's awesome because I can steal your shoes! He responded I wouldn't mind going home barefoot! I told him I'm not going to take your shoes I'm just kidding! So, we went to two places and we kind of got really buzzed not drunk and he came to drop me off home we were in a Lyft. When he dropped me off he gave me a bag I saw that he was buying stuff at the Wine Place and he said be there for you! He bought me two bottles of different types of wine I was just like are you kidding me? And then he said I will wash the tennis shoes and give them to you next time I see you.

 

And I was like no I was just kidding about the shoes! So, I invited him in and obviously one thing led to another and we ended up in bed however we did not have sex (because he had issues) but we did mess around. The next few days we talked obviously the same and I did say that it probably should not have happened and I'm not the type of person that hooks up with somebody on the first day and he said the same thing and we have just been talking since then there is an amazing connection between him and I. He has a two-and-a-half-year-old daughter and is very accepting of my 13yr old autistic boy.

 

The Sunday after we went out for the first time I went and hung out with him at his house and we were there drinking wine talking obviously it was very fun. The week after I met him again went to go hang out with him at his house and when I was on my way because he sends me the Lyft to and from I told him that I was hungry! And when I got to his house he said I ordered us steak and salad. And I was like why did you do that? And he said because you told me you were hungry! OMG I almost died! I had family in town, so we met up at a wine place that he recommended so I left him at home after we ate dinner. The next day my family went to the lake they were there like till 10 at night so I went and hung out with him and I stay the night with him & again we did not have sex because he's having issues with that.

 

He says he doesn't know why maybe because he respects me too much, but it just doesn't happen, and he gets really frustrated because it doesn’t, and I told him it's okay it will happen when it happens. It was just very nice to sleep next to him and wake up next to him I loved it! I felt like myself with him, like if there was no judgement or demand from him. We saw each other a few times after and had an amazing time together, we even planned a week together when my son would go to summer camp. One evening was at the mall shopping when I got a call from him. At first, I was so happy to see that he was calling me but as soon as I heard his voice I knew something was going on, and sure enough I was correct.

 

He mentioned that his therapist recommended that he should not start a new relationship now because it would be setting himself and the other person up for failure (he has a baby momma with bipolar & multiple personality disorder & just broke up with a gf like in March). I just sat there cold listening to him and it felt as if someone had just suckered punched me I the stomach. I had so much to say but for some reason nothing could come out of my mouth. All the ride home I was quiet in shock and I’m not going to lie I was holding back tears. Why was I so hurt damn it, it’s not like I had known him for years, but it felt like it. I couldn’t stop thinking how stupid I was for falling for someone so quickly, I felt so confused and not going to lie worthless.

 

As soon as I got home I wrote him the following email:

9:36pm - I honestly don't know how to express myself at times and that’s something that annoys me, but I needed to have something maybe clarified? You asked me one day what I thought we were or what in my eyes we were, and I responded, and you said that you agreed. I have enjoyed being with you I honestly love it! However, I would like to know now what you told me over the phone means? Basically, you said that your therapist told you not to start a new relationship because you would set it up for failure basically and I just want to be clear what that means for us.

 

I mean whatever it is I totally understand, and you know that I support you in any way so if it's just that we're going to be friends now then I totally understand, and I support all your decisions. I know that we jumped into whatever it is that we are very quickly maybe even without thinking about it, but I honestly have enjoyed and savored every moment of it. I understand if we can't really hang out anymore or maybe if you don't even want to talk to me anymore because it'll be hard on you, I just need to know what your thoughts are, so I can change the ideas in my head. I do not want to stress you out or give you any problems whatsoever and if you need time for yourself I totally get that. I told you I wasn't the crazy ex type, once you say something I won't insist on anything else. I just want to see you happy!

 

Just know that you are very special to me and if I ever said anything to you I meant it! You don't have to respond right away I just needed to get this out because my mind is going around in circles and that's how I express myself I guess you could say. Thank you for everything! You are amazing!

 

After the email, the only response received was “going to process this tomorrow”. I cannot explain why I felt like my heart was broken, like that was then end of a type of dream where I fell off my bed and woke up, everything inside hurt. The next day I had no text or email from him all day, obviously due to my past experiences that was not good.

 

The following day I decided to email him again and then a follow up email:

8:13am - Good morning! I was wondering if you had time this evening to go out and get some wine with me? The two places that you mentioned last time close at 12 so we could go and have some wine even if it's a little later. I would greatly appreciate it please?!

9:34am - About my invite I just wanted to make a clarification. I was not inviting you as a romantic date or anything else, I just wanted to tell you something & I wanted to tell you in person so that it would have a greater meaning. I am by no means trying to pressure you to anything whatsoever. I thought about what you said the other day & I totally agree; however, each person & each relationship is different & flow different from person to person.

 

I thought about how much it would suck to not have you in my life because you are amazing! You have been anything less than an amazing friend and I really appreciate that, even when emotionally I was down, there you were to offer a hug. The way you treated me as a person, not caring about what I look like or anything, dude that is very respectable. There is a saying that goes “it’s better to lose a love than a friend”, perhaps it was not our time to be in a relationship of love, but that does not take away that I consider you my friend & if you allow it, I would like to keep you as my friend; I rather have you in my life than not.

 

I am not even going to think maybe in the future something might happen, all I know is that our lives crossed paths for a reason, God has a plan for everything, there are no coincidences. That is all that I wanted to tell you face to face so you can see that I am beyond sincere, and like I said, depending on what you decide is what I will do; I don’t fight against important decisions. Just know that like you said, I love you as a person, as a whole…you are Amazing!

 

From this email I got the response of “Also don’t want to lose you as a friend” and honestly with all I blurted out of my heart I didn’t even know what to think of that. The next day I can’t remember why we texted but I did tell him that I knew that he didn’t want to talk to me or that he was avoiding me and he responded that he was not and that he would call me later and I did say thank you and that it would be much better to be on the same page. That night he called me and at first, he even seemed annoyed at me, it was hard to hear his curtly tone of voice.

 

He talked for a bit then he gave me the opportunity to do so, and oh my gosh you guys I was holding back tears for the longest time until they started rolling down my face. I can’t even remember what he said or what I said word for word, but I basically told him that he made me feel insignificant and that it hurt, but that I understood where he was coming from and that as a friend I supported him 100%. The call dropped after a long while and we were on a good point and we texted, it felt good. You could not deny that there were feelings between us that day, and the important thing he said was that down the road when he was ready that he wanted to try to have a relationship with me if I was available.

 

After texting a bit, he asked if I wanted to facetime and I said yes, oh my gosh you guys seeing his face melted me. Why did I like this guy so much? The face time quickly turned sexual and we had a moment together, it felt right and natural a first for us both. I knew that day that this guy liked liked me, but the universe had other plans. The next day we texted as usual everything felt good and I guess I just confused myself, thinking nothing had changed but oh was I wrong. Remember when I said that we had planned to spend the week together when my son was at camp?

 

Well we were talking about cooking at home and just being together and we still talked about this after our “talk”. It was therapy Tuesday again and again I got a call from him saying that his therapist thought that us spending time together like that would not be good for either of us and again the sucker punch to the stomach hurt even more than before. I can’t remember all that I said, I do remember however saying that I was sorry for showing my feelings and wanting to see him and that I would go try and flush them down the toilet, all while tears were running down my face. Why was this guy so important to me? It was like having found love, but not being able to have it.

 

I told him that I was done with dating, that I did meet a guy before him but that I had no interest in going out with him again. He asked why, and I said because I can’t go out and be with a guy, when I think and want to be with someone else. It was like he overthought things and pulled away from me and then he jumped back in and pulled me close, because after all this I went to sleep with him 3 days and yes while we didn’t do anything but sleep and ok maybe touching here and there I could feel how much he wants me but holds back. He wants to have sex with e but says he has a mental block.

 

We rarely kiss anymore, and I feel a difference in the energy between us, but it is still strong. I honestly did not want to get hurt again, but I think I did this to myself. Not sue what tomorrow will bring with him or even if he will be in my life or not, but I do want to experience being with him. I forgot an important point, he offered to do a documentary project around my son & has a film director & producers and said that he wants to wait to try something till after to not put the project at risk per the film producer guy. So now he always says we need to be professional.

 

Yet like I said I have slept with him 3 times & it was amazing to be next to him. That’s why I don’t know what to do. Help!?

Edited August 13, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Zahara]

You’ve placed this man on a pedestal too fast and too soon. You hardly even know him and you’ve gotten so emotionally caught up. I’m not sure if it’s because he’s filling an emotional void from the passing of your father but you’re clinging too strongly to a stranger.

 

He’s told you several times that he cannot be in a relationship with you. You mentioned that you’re not the kind that pushes but you’ve exhibited otherwise. Regardless of whether his reasoning to step away is legitimate, you need to stop chasing him. It’s unhealthy and it’s only going to push him further away. He is dealing with therapy, a “baby mama”, an ex, and performance issues. Too much drama after 3 dates.

 

Don’t get involved with people that blow hot and cold. The moment you see red flags, step away. Dating is a process in which you determine if someone is compatible to you. You go in with strong boundaries and eyes open. You don’t go running in blindly. He’s telling you he cannot be in a relationship with you. Listen. Let go.

 

Forget about the documentary. You are in no position to be in contact with him anymore. Tell him that you need to move on and that he needs to get his issues situated. Implement NC. You’re only going to get more hurt when someone is exhibiting push/pull behavior.

[Zahara]

Also, I would not be exposing my son to a man that you've only been with on 3 dates/sleepovers. You need to set boundaries. He is a complete stranger. And yes, you feel good around him but that's your lust and infatuation driving you. You need to think with your brain.