living with someon who has a generalized anxiety disorder, not sure if I can continue

[tchest77]

Some background:

We've been together for 3yrs total (I proposed to her 1 year later and we've been living together since (past 2 years now). I am 41 yr old a man and she is 39 yrs old.

Ever since I've known her, she always got frustrated over things that bothered her. She has always been quick to react, and just comes across like a *****, but I grew to understand that she had another issue; she eventually told me that she has a generalized anxiety disorder, even has therapy (I’ve attended as well) and medication to help, and it has helped tremendously, but just not enough as this issue I’m upset about below, usually happens 1-3 times a week.

 

The problem:

She does have anxiety about things in general, and I support her and love her through that, but the thing I can't deal with is how she talks to people (include myself). Not all conversations are bad, just the ones that she gets annoyed/frustrated by, and then the disrespectful tone comes out, it’s a tense tone and demeanor that I think just happens way to frequently. She doesn’t insult, but it’s her angry tone and attitude I have a problem with. I used to call her out, by saying in a nice but concerning way, “Hey, you were kinda mean,” but lately I’ve been just saying that she is talking disrespectful and sometimes I just get angry and have to leave the room. I feel bad for her, and I understand she doesn't have the ability to think clearly under her emotions, it’s not easy for anyone especially someone with an anxiety disorder, but not sure if I can live like this. I feel the anger/tension she puts onto others, whether they deserve it or not, and it happens quite often enough that I can’t live like this. I talk to her about it, and she says I don’t understand how other people are or that I don’t understand where she’s coming from. I tried putting myself in her place, and sometimes think maybe I’m the one who’s wrong. But her disrespect towards others happens more than I can handle, even though most are short in duration, but I don’t think I can live like this. I recently bought a book (about couples who have an anxious partner) I wanted to read with her, and she thanked me for it. I sometimes say, this is just the way she is, and this is just the way I am, or maybe think one day she will get better at this since she has shown tremendous growth in other areas, but know deep down I don’t like it and don’t want to live like this. Any advice?

[d0nnivain]

Anxiety is no excuse for rudeness. Call a spade a spade & make your decisions based on how you are treated not a diagnosis.

[MountainGirl111]

Anxiety is no excuse to be rude, condescending, short tempered or verbally abusive. I don't know that she's actually verbally abusive because you didn't write that...but what can happen with anxious people is they talk to others in such a way that's just not nice...and they don't even realize they're doing most of the time. Good luck trying to change this characteristic. It doesn't sound like she's too open to change.

[basil67]

I talk to her about it, and she says I don’t understand how other people are or that I don’t understand where she’s coming from.

 

When I read this, it sounds to me like she's trying to tell you that this is just how she is and you should just live with it. Is this a fair interpretation of her words?

 

Thing is, if she's accepted that her rudeness is a part of who she is, then she's NOT going to change and you have to make a stay or go decision. Alternatively, if she's mortified and sorry she sounded so mean and seeking help to change - then you've probably go reason to hope.

[darkmoon]

been in your shoes twice in my life ... she has all the good/powerful lines in the drama, and gives you the bad lines expecting certain behaviour from you, like "understanding", it gets predictable

 

 

 

if she at least tried to stop herself, you would see she was sorry, so I think she likes being like she is, a bully

Edited August 13, 2018 by darkmoon

[coolheadal]

been in your shoes twice in my life ... she has all the good/powerful lines in the drama, and gives you the bad lines expecting certain behaviour from you, like "understanding", it gets predictable

 

 

 

if she at least tried to stop herself, you would see she was sorry, so I think she likes being like she is, a bully

 

More than a bully.. Too many of these women are out there. I seem to attract them myself in my own life now and then. Woman from work 2017 has these issues and worst everyday. It's a shame I talk to her oldest daughter more than I talk to her on phone and I means for hours. Daughter has some strange ideas on men. I am learning a lot about her views on them. But getting back to these sorts of women. They really need to be on their own an have less contact with her. Don't move them into you home they will not play nice.

 

Take a spinning wheel

 

Good times and Bad Times

You spin it, she's good then she's bad

 

More bad than good if you has me....

 

Whatever you do never marry these women, they do not make good wives.

[Gretchen12]

It is the disorder. She is on medication. You're on a dating forum. Try asking at a psych forum and words like anxiety have a clinical meaning. You actually know more about her disorder than most on a random forum because you've researched it and you've lived with it.

But I will tell you this: I suggest you leave not because she's a bad person, but because you kept repeating "I can't live like this." That is all you need to say. There is no other justification needed.

[stillafool]

I'm so tired of people blaming their bad behavior on anxiety disorder. We all have anxiety at times and have to control it. Others who have it more need to take their meds. OP you do not have to put up with her abuse just because she has this disorder. If she doesn't start showing you more respect, break up and leave her alone to deal with her problem. If you start catering to her condition she is going to use it to make you miserable.

[kendahke]

You're not her husband, so if her behavior is that offensive to you, then end the relationship so she can focus on intensive therapy--that's if she even thinks she's got a problem so severe that she needs more/more intensive treatment than she's so far gotten.

 

She's gotten away with not being able to self-soothe and a 39 yr old woman should know how to do that. I could see it if she was 19, not but dang near 40.

 

and I'm agree with others who say anxiety is no excuse for rudeness. She's rude and thinks no one is going to check her.

[coolheadal]

You're not her husband, so if her behavior is that offensive to you, then end the relationship so she can focus on intensive therapy--that's if she even thinks she's got a problem so severe that she needs more/more intensive treatment than she's so far gotten.

 

She's gotten away with not being able to self-soothe and a 39 yr old woman should know how to do that. I could see it if she was 19, not but dang near 40.

 

and I'm agree with others who say anxiety is no excuse for rudeness. She's rude and thinks no one is going to check her.

 

I agree with this but again the OP in love with her that's why he allows this to go on so long. It harder for us men who deal with such a woman daily. They have good points and bad. Depression yes, some say she needs therapy but even that's no guarantee along with taking medicine will she ever be what you want her to be aka normal. No matter what age she is, she w ill never think she has a problem those that realize it might be too late to change. Mine told me it's not your fault I am this way it's mine, your not to blame it's me, she said, she has the problem. But she wants me to be there for me. Kinda hard because got to take a lot in and then live and it keeps recycling over and over again. But the OP has to come to terms if she's really worth it or not then leave her be and move her out!

[smackie9]

I would suggest she seek out a new therapist...not all therapist are the same, and there could be better treatment for her. She may even be misdiagnosed and have another underlying disorder that makes her to continue to behave that way. It's worth a shot. Nothing wrong with getting a second or even a third opinion.

[Gaeta]

Some background:

she eventually told me that she has a generalized anxiety disorder,

 

 

Look, a few years ago when my ex-husband (father of my child) died unexpectedly I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety. I suffered a great deal, all the muscles of my body had uncontrollable spasms, I lived in constant fear of dying, I didn't sleep, I didn't eat, I could not concentrate....Never once was I rude to someone, or disrespected someone around me, or yelled at someone, or was bossy, why? Because this behavior is not in me to start with! Your girlfriend doesn't act like this because she has anxiety, she is like this because that is who she is deep inside.

[coolheadal]

Look, a few years ago when my ex-husband (father of my child) died unexpectedly I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety. I suffered a great deal, all the muscles of my body had uncontrollable spasms, I lived in constant fear of dying, I didn't sleep, I didn't eat, I could not concentrate....Never once was I rude to someone, or disrespected someone around me, or yelled at someone, or was bossy, why? Because this behavior is not in me to start with! Your girlfriend doesn't act like this because she has anxiety, she is like this because that is who she is deep inside.

 

I see your point you think it from within her to be like that deep inside. Interesting theory. I wonder if mine is the same way. Now mine tell me she wants to come back to my house to live with me. But if all of this is from within her deep down inside that's the real her. Wow kinda makes me think more about this. Mine said today if she doesn't get upset she'll be okay if she does get upset then she'll move back home where she's from. I really don't care either way, because I want peace, and I not like her at all. Her family told me even her mom said she treats them like she treats me. How sad if it from within her that's would mean trouble will never end with her. Always wanting to start something with me to get me upset in turn thus she has something to complain about. Who the heck can live like this daily. Not me I don't want it. I am sure the OP doesn't want that either. Deep inside person who acts like this is not a good person. She'll be lonely for the rest of her life and sure don't' care either way .

Edited August 13, 2018 by coolheadal

[bathtub-row]

Go back and read your original post. Count how many times you wrote “I don’t think I can live like this” or “I can’t live like this”. I think you answered your own question.

 

Regardless of what her issues are, they’re too extreme for you and there’s no law that says you have to deal with it. She needs to get out there and find someone who’s like her, who “understands” because you don’t and never will.

 

I was once married to a verbally abusive guy. I finally realized that that was the way he was and even with 15 yrs of therapy, he wouldn’t change. Even if he did change after 15 yrs, I didn’t plan to waste my life on someone who made me miserable. Best decision I ever made.

 

Just a word of caution, if you do plan to leave her, stop having sex with her. If she even thinks you’re going to leave her, she may try to deliberately get pregnant. That’s the very last thing you want.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Anxiety is no excuse to be rude, condescending, short tempered or verbally abusive. I don't know that she's actually verbally abusive because you didn't write that...but what can happen with anxious people is they talk to others in such a way that's just not nice...and they don't even realize they're doing most of the time. Good luck trying to change this characteristic. It doesn't sound like she's too open to change.

 

Very true, anxiety doesn't excuse hurtful or mean behaviors. She will always use her anxiety as an excuse for hurting you.

[mortensorchid]

Anxiety is a serious issue to be sure, as is depression and all the other things in the spectrum. I would suggest a second opinion on the therapist as well as her meds, since she is already under a shrink's care and also taking meds. I am glad to hear she is not one who is resisting taking said meds and seeing a psychiatrist yet self medicating with alcohol, drugs illegal and/or over the counter, food, and/or making others miserable.

 

However, since she is making you not happy in your relationship, once she has reevaluated the situation with her meds/therapist maybe she needs an adjustment there as well.

[Saracena]

Agree with the others here who say this has little or nothing to do with her anxiety, it's more her personality IMO, in particular her attitude to other people. Of course there may be some other undiagnosed illness at play here as well.

 

I had an ex-friend just like this. Her attitude to others was appalling, it ranged between one minute deep down envy and jealousy of people to bitter, unprovoked criticism of others. In the end I got tired of her vicious attacks/rants about other acquaintances and friends and slowly phased her out! In the end nobody really wanted to put up with her!