ExpatInItaly Posted August 12, 2018 Posted August 12, 2018 ok so would it be ok to just apologize to him (hopefully I will catch him alone) and then ask him out for drinks to make up for it? Do not do this. Now is really not the right time to ask him out. If you cannot let this drop, simply find him on his own, and say, "Hey, listen, I just wanted to apologize for what I said to you at the coffee dock last week. I misunderstood the situation and I'm sorry." The end.
Author Enna11 Posted August 12, 2018 Author Posted August 12, 2018 I will most likely bump into him with other people at the corridor and he might also walk by. I am not sure how to react now? Is it appropriate to smile at him? should I just ignore him? should I look at him with an expression of guilt in my face (I will most likely do it anyway subconsciously) How do I get back my dignity? what I did is really bad, right? how do I feel better about me? this has really destroyed any confidence
Author Enna11 Posted August 12, 2018 Author Posted August 12, 2018 in any case he will be probably completely ignoring me now (and I cannot blame him of course) and I will be even more heartbroken
ExpatInItaly Posted August 12, 2018 Posted August 12, 2018 Just be civil and professional, OP. Smile or say hi and keep moving. Looking at him with an expression of guilt is just going to make you seem plain...weird. And yes, I'd say it was pretty out of line for you to accuse this man of lying and then accuse his team of gossiping about you. However, if you just keep yourself together and avoid any further awkward interactions, you will start to feel better. Really, though, you need to spend less time worrying about what he thinks, and more time examining how you let this fantasy get so blown out of proportion in your mind. Your level of projection and presumptuous thinking is concerning enough that it's worth some reflection on your part. A serious question - have you dated before? Had a boyfriend?
stillafool Posted August 12, 2018 Posted August 12, 2018 OP, I think any expectation of a relationship with this guy is setting yourself up for disappointment and pain. He was staring at you because people can feel when someone is staring at them so they stare back. If he were remotely interested he would have jumped at the chance to get to know you when you were at the coffee dock alone; but he didn't. Then when you brought it to his attention he didn't even remember it happening. To regain your pride just be professional, standoffish to him and do your work. It isn't a good idea to get mixed up with coworkers in a romantic way. It best to find a mate who doesn't work with you.
Author Enna11 Posted August 12, 2018 Author Posted August 12, 2018 ok I was reading a lot through body language. you can read things through the lengths of eye contact someone is making, how they are making eye contact, how often and so forth. as an example if he did mention to his colleagues that I was into him, how would he know. he can only assume this by the way I made eye contact with him because I never told him that I liked him or asked him out. Yes I did have several boyfriends and they lasted several years. the relationships always started with eye contact (the very same one) and frequent looking. however they did not even make as much eye contact or looked at me as frequently as him and yet they started dating me. the difference is that my exboyfriends were very confident and approached me very quickly. There was also no shy smiling or anything. I also had people at work asking me out at work and I had noticed that they were looking at me but less than him and they told me they were totally into me. So maybe I am not that desillusional. I also DO NOT have a history of imaging that guys like me who don't. sometimes it is easy to think that someone is reading into things when they are not witnessing the same situation.
stillafool Posted August 12, 2018 Posted August 12, 2018 Perhaps you are right but again, this was the perfect opportunity for him to start something up with you but he doesn't even remember the first interaction so this one is just not interested or he wouldn't have come off the way he did to you when you brought it up. Anyway, it doesn't sound like you will have a problem finding another guy so good luck.
Author Enna11 Posted August 12, 2018 Author Posted August 12, 2018 well I could be wrong and I might have misread things but as I mentioned before the week before we kept smiling at each other a lot. he was smiling with his entire face when he saw me and I did the same. I made sure not to talk to other guys and then one morning he walked very slowly (he normally never walks slowly) towards my desk and he looked very insecure and shy. he seemed to have checked out the situation. my colleague was on a telephone call and there was nobody else around. he kept walking towards me and then I broke eye contact and turned around and walked the other way. the next day he worked not from his desk (he normally does) but close to the coffee dock. as soon as he saw me walking there (it could be coincidence of course), he went there and positioned him right next to me. the coffee machine is on the left. instead of doing anything he just stood extremely close to me. two other people also went there and there was awkward silence and he still didn't do anything. finally he said to the other guys I am stepping aside and let you get tea. he stepped one step backwards. I felt bad as I had the impression he wanted to talk to me but I was too shy to look at him because of the other people standing there. I tried to make eye contact but he just kept staring into his empty mug and making any attempts to get coffee. I left. hours later he was close to my desk and starred at me and not in a good way. He did not break eye contact. I turned around and he still starred at me. the following days he totally changed. he did not smile at me anymore, acted super cool and looked at me without smiling (even though he never did this before when I smiled at him first) when he saw me at the coffee dock he just talked to other people (ignoring me) this is why I thought he felt rejected when I approached him and for that reason denied everything as he did not want to risk asking me out and I would reject him. the fact that I did not look back at him at the coffee dock he might have seen as such. this is why I then approached him and wanted to apologize and he said he doesn't know what I am talking about. So maybe I was misinterpreting things but maybe I wasn't and he said he doesn't know what I was talking about because he does not know that I like him and he did not want to admit that he wanted to approach me.
BaileyB Posted August 12, 2018 Posted August 12, 2018 well I could be wrong and I might have misread things but as I mentioned before the week before we kept smiling at each other a lot. he was smiling with his entire face when he saw me and I did the same. I made sure not to talk to other guys and then one morning he walked very slowly (he normally never walks slowly) towards my desk and he looked very insecure and shy. he seemed to have checked out the situation. my colleague was on a telephone call and there was nobody else around. he kept walking towards me and then I broke eye contact and turned around and walked the other way. the next day he worked not from his desk (he normally does) but close to the coffee dock. as soon as he saw me walking there (it could be coincidence of course), he went there and positioned him right next to me. the coffee machine is on the left. instead of doing anything he just stood extremely close to me. two other people also went there and there was awkward silence and he still didn't do anything. finally he said to the other guys I am stepping aside and let you get tea. he stepped one step backwards. I felt bad as I had the impression he wanted to talk to me but I was too shy to look at him because of the other people standing there. I tried to make eye contact but he just kept staring into his empty mug and making any attempts to get coffee. I left. hours later he was close to my desk and starred at me and not in a good way. He did not break eye contact. I turned around and he still starred at me. the following days he totally changed. he did not smile at me anymore, acted super cool and looked at me without smiling (even though he never did this before when I smiled at him first) when he saw me at the coffee dock he just talked to other people (ignoring me) this is why I thought he felt rejected when I approached him and for that reason denied everything as he did not want to risk asking me out and I would reject him. the fact that I did not look back at him at the coffee dock he might have seen as such. this is why I then approached him and wanted to apologize and he said he doesn't know what I am talking about. So maybe I was misinterpreting things but maybe I wasn't and he said he doesn't know what I was talking about because he does not know that I like him and he did not want to admit that he wanted to approach me. Well then, the appropriate information to do would have been to have said "Hello." My goodness, this is a lot of analysis over some smiles... If a man likes you, he will make it known. You need to get out of your head and stop projecting what you think onto other people - it will only get you into trouble, as evidenced in this situation. 1
Versacehottie Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 ok, wow it seems like you do not want to drop this and are looking for ANY angle to talk to him, explain yourself, go out for drinks. All bad ideas at this stage IMO. The biggest piece of information and feedback you have from him is how he reacted and what he said when you confronted him. That does not sound like a guy who is interested in you--in really any way. I would suggest you accept it. If your social skills were better you would be able to apply them to guys you are interested in romantically as well as friends. I would guess that you might bulldoze your way through things and get away with more than you should---mainly because others don't like confronting you back or your friends either need something from you or keep a healthy distance. You are not going to get anywhere by pushing your way in with him--that in itself is a lack of social awareness. Needless to say, good luck
Author Enna11 Posted August 13, 2018 Author Posted August 13, 2018 what do you mean by I will get away with more than I should @versacehottie
Zahara Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 (edited) well I could be wrong and I might have misread things but as I mentioned before the week before we kept smiling at each other a lot. he was smiling with his entire face when he saw me and I did the same. I made sure not to talk to other guys and then one morning he walked very slowly (he normally never walks slowly) towards my desk and he looked very insecure and shy. he seemed to have checked out the situation. my colleague was on a telephone call and there was nobody else around. he kept walking towards me and then I broke eye contact and turned around and walked the other way. the next day he worked not from his desk (he normally does) but close to the coffee dock. as soon as he saw me walking there (it could be coincidence of course), he went there and positioned him right next to me. the coffee machine is on the left. instead of doing anything he just stood extremely close to me. two other people also went there and there was awkward silence and he still didn't do anything. finally he said to the other guys I am stepping aside and let you get tea. he stepped one step backwards. I felt bad as I had the impression he wanted to talk to me but I was too shy to look at him because of the other people standing there. I tried to make eye contact but he just kept staring into his empty mug and making any attempts to get coffee. I left. hours later he was close to my desk and starred at me and not in a good way. He did not break eye contact. I turned around and he still starred at me. the following days he totally changed. he did not smile at me anymore, acted super cool and looked at me without smiling (even though he never did this before when I smiled at him first) when he saw me at the coffee dock he just talked to other people (ignoring me) this is why I thought he felt rejected when I approached him and for that reason denied everything as he did not want to risk asking me out and I would reject him. the fact that I did not look back at him at the coffee dock he might have seen as such. this is why I then approached him and wanted to apologize and he said he doesn't know what I am talking about. So maybe I was misinterpreting things but maybe I wasn't and he said he doesn't know what I was talking about because he does not know that I like him and he did not want to admit that he wanted to approach me. OP, when a man is interested in you, he will make it known to you. You won't have to gauge his interest by how slow he walks, how long he stares, where he stands, how he smiles -- with a fine tooth comb you're analyzing his every move because you desperately want what you have created in your mind to come true to life. That's not a measuring stick that is reliable. You're only going to let yourself down by planting these seeds of hope. If he wants you, he will come to you. And if he doesn't then he is not worth the angst. Plus, your outburst is also indicative as to how far fetched you're being -- you're in love with a man you don't know and going off on him for no reason at all. You've fallen in love with smiles, stares and glances. How realistic is that to you? Edited August 13, 2018 by Zahara
stillafool Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 So maybe I was misinterpreting things but maybe I wasn't and he said he doesn't know what I was talking about because he does not know that I like him and he did not want to admit that he wanted to approach me. See this is your problem. Your ego won't let you believe he was telling you the truth when he said he did not know what you were talking about. Even if this was the case nothing was stopping him from saying "hey look, I do like you, would you like to go out sometime"? His response was no where near this. 1
stillafool Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 what do you mean by I will get away with more than I should @versacehottie Meaning people will give in to you when they don't want to because it's better to do that than have a confrontation with you. 1
Versacehottie Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 (edited) Meaning people will give in to you when they don't want to because it's better to do that than have a confrontation with you. Yes this^^^. It seems like you have a lack of boundaries. A lot of the time people who do things like that don't get back where they are pushing with others. Such as your current situation--if that had happened to me, I would want nothing to do with you honestly--but wouldn't tell you so because wouldn't want to create more drama with a person that already is pushing things with me and not seeing things as they are. So some people with take the route to confront back and a lot of others will effectively just avoid you or give you the most minimal attention that they can get away with (co-workers will be polite but not involved with you more than they have to, friends & bfs will do everything your way and then suddenly blow up or disappear & will seem as if they are not your equals which is the reason that you are getting away with this stuff with people who make a choice to be there). I have to be 100% honest that the tone of this kind of stuff is inherent in your post. Honest question: you don't find it completely humiliating to persist with someone that did not react well to you? It's pushy, overbearing, taking the element of choice away from the other person, all to satisfy what you think is best. For the better good of both of you, you need to only reciprocate equal attention from him--in other words if you are not getting attention from him, stop pestering and leave him only. Depends what industry you work in and what size or formality of company, but MANY companies are starting policies where unwanted advances is harassment, and it can be classified in many different ways (so don't assume you are in the clear). And it DOES go both ways--not just about women getting harassed by men, but the other way around as well. If you are making work uncomfortable for him (which is how I see continue persistence & attempts to "talk" to him going), you are walking a fine line. Anyway, as much as whatever your company issues may or may not be, it's just not cool to bug someone who is not interested. Not to mention, if he is not, it is better for your self-esteem to accept that and move onto someone who is. Has it ever occurred to you that he was "looking at you" because he was wondering why you were looking at him--that happens, you know? Edited August 14, 2018 by Versacehottie 1
Johnjohnson2017 Posted August 16, 2018 Posted August 16, 2018 Enna I think he does like you. He s very shy and he gets nervous around you. He has a suspicion that you like him too but he’s not sure. Why do I believe that? Because He reminds me of me when I was much younger. I had a huge crush on a woman (in her mid 20s). I was very shy around women. I knew she liked me too but I just couldn’t get the nerve to ask her out and I didn’t see a long term future together. How did I know she might have liked me? Because I overheard her tell her female friend that I was cute. Another time, I overheard her female friend telling her to go talk to me. I still couldn’t muster up the courage to talk to her. Do you know whether he has a girlfriend or whether he is married? Are you popular with men(get hit on often)? Ask a co worker about him. Maybe a co worker that you regularly talk to might have some information about him. You didn’t blow it. I believe he has a crush on you. Maybe he is intimidated by your good looks? He might lack confidence. Try small talk with him. Do you have the same boss? You work in the same company, so you have at least that in common. Would you be able to find out his full name? If so, look up his Facebook account. Keep me updated. Good luck
guest569 Posted August 16, 2018 Posted August 16, 2018 This is an unhealthy obsession with a colleague who you have hardly said a single word to. You remind me of me at 20,inexperienced, shy and living in fantasy land and analysing tiny, insignificant things. Oh he looked at me and then looked away, he is in love with me. Come on.. You need to let go and put yourself out there, get some experience talking to cute guys and get some dating happening. Then you will see this for what it really is. Nothing. 1
Noproblem Posted August 17, 2018 Posted August 17, 2018 (edited) You guys are so hard on this girl. I had been in her place, though I never really accused the guy of lying or even smiled to him lol, but I know some guys give mixed signals and they are very misleading. But, that was intense, why would you tell someone you don't know, you are lying! I do believe this guy is a player. If he was really interested, he would have approached you, but he didn't and that is the end of it. This happened to me in the past. I am very confident around any guy except the guy I like, but I don't know. I just don't even look at him, is that an excuse for him to not approach me? Hell no! Because I know some other guys would climb mountains to reach the girl they like and want. Your guy didn't like you enough to approach you, he was even very rude to you when you talked to him Now, remember this is an office with so much gossiping and drama. Do not talk to this guy again, do not smile, don't walk around him, and do not use other guys to make him jealous. Just simply ignore him. If someone worthy asked you out, just go out with him and forget this guy. So please preserve your dignity and your sanity and just ignore him and delete him from your mind! Don't go buy coffee from that place please, go outside the office during the break and buy coffee from somewhere else! Better yet, make your own coffee and bring it in a mug, much cheaper this way! Remember this again! He didn't approach you even when he had the chance! He didn't! That's the end of it! It's sad and humiliating, and you feel he did you wrong, but at the end of the day, the sooner you face the truth, the better. The truth is: He played you, and I believe you, he looked at you, he smiled to you, and he made you feel special, but when the right time came, he didn't approach you because it was a game for him. Other replies suggest you are delusional, but really you are not! We don't imagine people smiling, staring, looking at us! It might happen once, but every day? No way! If you can change shifts or locations is better, so you forget him! Edited August 17, 2018 by Noproblem
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