Stay Away?

[Orokotikki]

"And I have saved my marriage b/c there were countless times where I could have easily went with my AP and left but something in my gut told me it was not a good idea."

 

Your marriage is not out of the woods yet, it is hilarious if you think so.

You sound like you want a pat on the back.

 

If you want to contact girly girl go right ahead - but only after you become a real man and divorce your wife. Otherwise you would be acting like a manipulative and hurtful boychild.

 

It is very common for a BS who BEGGED for you to stay during your A to become fed up and realize what they are/were putting up with to realize they don't need a wayward in their life and are better off without.

 

I wish your wife all luck, happiness, and healing.

 

I understand it takes affair fog a while to clear, but if it takes too long you will soon find yourself unwanted by either woman.

 

You would be wise to pray for your wife to have patience.

[pepperbird]

Look, I appreciate everyone’s comments and advice, even though some are not great I would expect this kind of response. I certainly deserve it and not making excuses. I have recommitted but the feelings you have for someone just do not go away just b/c you want them too. My AP and I had something great, at least I thought we did until the end and then I found out a bunch of stuff, and it probably just ran it’s course on both sides so it’s over. I am glad it’s over as I wanted it to end anyway. My AP was not the person I thought she was and that is really disappointing when I consider the amount of energy expended. I realize it was all a bunch of BS in the end. I am just glad I did not do anything stupid like leave my wife for the wrong reasons. I know it was wrong and I have to live with that.

 

And so you are aware, my wife had an emotional affair during my affair which I did find out about so don’t think she is not innocent in all of this. Granted it was probably triggered when she found about about my AP and me but still, 2 wrongs don’t make a right.

 

It’s a slow process for sure but it’s hard to just drop strong feelings you had for someone just b/c you want them to go away.

 

 

op,

please re-resd this a few times and then ask yourself if you see one iota of care and concern for your wife. It's all about you and your ow. in fact, you even sink low enough to take a pot shot at your wife. I don't know if you have kids or not,but that's what mine used to do when they were very small. try and deflect the blame.

 

Sorry, but when a ws decides to reconcile, part of their responsibility is to help their bs heal. There is zero space in there for pining after your ex-ow. None. If you cna't handle that, then you need to be honest with your wife.

 

 

Why are you with her anyway? It doesn't sound to me like you really care for her that much at all.

[pepperbird]

Yes I see where you guys are coming from and as I said, I appreciate all the advice and candid comments...even Bailey.

 

I agree, I am probably not far enough along in the process to really see 2 feet in front of me but I am getting there. Its not something that happens overnight even though I would like it to, I hate feeling what I feel.

 

And I have saved my marriage b/c there were countless times where I could have easily went with my AP and left but something in my gut told me it was not a good idea. I was so far gone and in the fog I am surprised at myself sometimes that I did not jump. But as it turned out it was the best decision I have ever made in my life not to leave. There were so many times where my M could have ended but it didn't and I am glad for that and glad I am working my way back. I just want to get rid of these strong feelings for my AP so I can move on quicker. I want this person to be a distant memory. It was a cancer on my life which I take full responsibility for but I have to live with it.

 

And yes, my AP was a disappointment in the end based on things she said and I am more mad at myself for risking all that I have for someone that in the end turned out to be not the person I thought she was, I guess I gave her more credit than she deserved. What I realized was I had so much to lose and she had nothing to lose but time. All the time and energy wasted and for what? Sex and countless hours of mindless babble. Not worth it and I will tell anyone having an A that its not worth it. If you want that fine, just get a divorce and you can have sex with whatever you want, whenever you want.

 

But unfortunately the feelings still linger but every day that goes by with NC the better. I know I will not be breaking NC (even though I said I was considering it) and I just hope she does not contact me.

 

 

op,

I'll say it again because you can;t see the forest for the trees.

Your whole post is all about you, how you feel, what you are going through.

 

What do you think your actions have done to your wife? What ACTIVE steps are you ating to help her heal and to who her she can trust you? If she's hurting, do you listen and actually hera what she has to say? If s, what has she been telling you?

 

 

Your ex-ow is in your review mirror, and yet you still pine for her. Does your wife know about this? If not, I would suggest you tell her. Give her the knowledge that she needs to make an informed decision about her life. Let her know that you simply aren't capable of being there 100 percent for right now and you don't know what the future will bring.

 

 

 

btw, what steps are you actively taking to help your wife and heal your marriage?

[Just a Guy]

Hi new focus, I have a question for you. Do you love your wife? I mean really love her as your partner for life and not as you would love a sibling or your parents or a close friend? I ask this because no where in your thread have I heard you mention even once that you do love your wife. To my mind your whole problem hinges on this fact. You either love your wife wholeheartedly or you don't. If you really did love her in that way I think you would be falling over yourself reiterating your great love for your wife and how you could not bear to lose her etc.

 

From the way you have written I do not see any great concern on your part for your wife. That is one reason why you are so easily able to push thoughts of your wife on the back burner and expend a lot of mental energy on fantasizing about your AP. Forget this AP, with the way you are going I wouldn't be surprised if you found another AP to carry on with. Only you know what is the truth about your relationship with your wife. If what I have said rings true even partially, I would suggest that you divorce your wife as amicably as possible and let her find someone who will love and cherish her as she so deserves. You, in the meanwhile, can play the singles game and have as many affairs as you wish without hurting someone as close to you as your wife is presently. Alternatively, you, too, could find someone to light your fire for the rest of your days and live happily ever after. Best wishes.

[IndigoNight]

OP,

 

You truly believe that you have no blood on your hands because you were too much of a coward, too indecisive, wanted what you wanted and didn't care who it hurt, (I could go on, but I think I made my point) to make a decision to end your affair, or your marriage? Do you own any of your mistakes? Or, do you just hope other people will take the blame, make the hard decisions, all so you can feel like you're not the bad guy?

 

I am really trying to find a way to respond in a helpful, positive way, to your post, but in all honesty, until you learn to be truthful (even when it makes you the bad guy), and can own your mistakes, make the difficult decisions, and realize that you used and betrayed not only your wife, but also your AP, and continue to lie to your wife and yourself about what part you played in everything (hint: You are in fact the bad guy in this scenario, and your hands aren't clean!) there is really nothing I (or anyone) can say that will get through to you in the way it needs to.

 

You say that you wouldn't recommend an affair, yet you are torn about "the one that maybe got away" and seriously miss her, and your wife. You have continuously lied to your wife about the affair, and your feelings for your AP. Did you lie to your AP too, and hint at your marriage being lousy, and you were ready to leave, but (fill in blanket excuse why you couldn't)? You talk about your AP as "the one that got away" in the same paragraph as you comment "I'm not unhappy in my marriage", which one is it? Are you happily married, or longing for someone else?

 

So here is my advice: Pick a side and stick to it! Either fully invest in your marriage and come clean about all that you have done, and try to fix what you have tried so hard to destroy with your affair and deceit, and selfish actions, etc. (find a good therapist to help guide you through the process).

 

OR, go find the possible love of your life in Vegas, and see if she is the one that got away, or the one who escaped all of your lies, and manipulation. "She wasn't who you thought she was, and you gave her too much credit"? WOW! That was a quick change from "I'm so torn, and miss her" You strung her along and lied to her for how long? And yet somehow she isn't who you thought she was. Somehow you are managing to deflect blame onto her. You want her one minute, and trash talk her the next. Keeping up with your emotional shifts is draining!

 

Actually, you can make this easy on yourself, since you can't seem to make the hard decisions, by showing your post to your wife. Then you will have to face all that you have done. On the bright side, your wife may send you packing so you can go find Ms. Vegas and find out if she really is the love of your life. Unless you are in a "She isn't who I thought she was" phase.

 

If you ever loved your wife, stop playing these mind games, and give her the choice about who she wants to be with. Give her the option to decide if you are worth fighting for. She deserves that much, at the very least.

[Mr. Lucky]

I know I will not be breaking NC (even though I said I was considering it) and I just hope she does not contact me.

 

If she reaches out to you (hopefully you've taken the steps to block text, email and social media messages from her) and you don't respond, you're still practicing NC.

 

In other words, the outcome still rests squarely on your shoulders...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Vivir]

Newfocus. I am unmarried, but I have learned that it is best for married people to actively protect themselves and their spouses from emotional and mental and physical harm, just as it is important for single people to protect themselves in a similar fashion. Thus, my advice to you...

 

You wrote:

So my story goes like this...I met a girl in Vegas and we clicked and connected like never before (I know, never bring Vegas home, I broke the cardinal rule).

 

I assume that this adage is specifically meant for single people. It is not for married people who have bound themselves to another, especially if they are not in an "open" marriage. Thus, while you were in Vegas, you were still bound by married people's rules... the decisions you made are akin to you stating that the affair got started simply because you went to Las Vegas. I find this logic to be ludicrous!

 

Then, you wrote:

I never wanted to have an A in the first place, it just happened. I know its cliche but I have no other answers.

 

This is utterly and passively careless, and I do hope you come to identify it that way as well. Generally, sex doesn't just happen anyway. As you attempt to reconcile and recommit to your wife and marriage, please remain active in guarding against infidelity. You cannot be passive and just let things happen to you that will also negatively affect your wife and family. You have to be on guard and not allow inappropriate behavior in either direction: from you or towards you.

[Mr. Lucky]

the decisions you made are akin to you stating that the affair got started simply because you went to Las Vegas. I find this logic to be ludicrous!

 

Generally, sex doesn't just happen anyway.

 

Not sure if the OP has kids, but I can only imagine his reaction should his pregnant teenage daughter come to him and say "But Dad, I was in Vegas where the rules don't apply, and it just happened"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[newfocus]

If she reaches out to you (hopefully you've taken the steps to block text, email and social media messages from her) and you don't respond, you're still practicing NC.

 

In other words, the outcome still rests squarely on your shoulders...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I have done everything I can to make sure I am not contacted but I guess if someone wants to get in contact with someone they can and will. But all you have mentioned has been done on my part.

[frigginlost]

So I am new to this forum and needed some advice on my current situation. So my story goes like this...I met a girl in Vegas and we clicked and connected like never before (I know, never bring Vegas home, I broke the cardinal rule). But I digress. Anyway, we talked and talked, we met up, had sex and thats as they say is that and the affair started. The back story is she was married and so was I but she was further ahead getting a divorce from her H than I was from my wife. It was one of those perfect storms where everyone was vulnerable and ready.

 

My wife would eventually find out 3 months into our affair and I said I would end it which I said I did...but never did. Fast forward a year and a half and my AP had divorced her H over a year ago but I was on the fence what I wanted to do. I was starting to get to the point that the affair was more hassle than it was worth and was going to break it off, but my AP beat me to it. I am glad she did it b/c now I have no blood on my hands which is great. I got what I wanted and I am happy...I think. I cannot help but wonder if I should have made the leap and plunged into a divorce but there would have been so much to lose and I just could not bring myself to the leap of faith to do it. I believe I made the right call by not ending my marriage. I had so much more to lose than she did and scales were not even close to balanced.

 

But man this is tougher than I ever thought it would be b/c I miss my AP so much. I have had NC for over 2 months. I know I should not have any contact with her but I want to call her, text, email or something. I am not unhappy in my marriage but I really miss her and what we had so much. I cannot know if I did love her, which we said it every day, I thought I did but now I am not so sure. I want to believe we had so much love for each other. When I was in the affair it was fantastic but now that its over, I would not never recommend anyone doing it.

 

But should I contact this girl? Should I be glad she is gone even though I am torn b/c is she the one that got away? My marriage is a lot better now that she is gone but I seriously miss this girl so much.

 

 

If you don't think there is any blood on your hands, nut-up and let your wife read this post. Let us know how that works out for you...

 

Your marriage is done. Not right now, but sometime in the future. If you somehow manage to bury all the b*ll**** going on in your head, you're going to live a life of misery. Just wait until you start getting the feelings of your wife stepping out on you because of what you did...

 

Hindsight is always 20/20, and you my friend have a front row seat...

[newfocus]

If you don't think there is any blood on your hands, nut-up and let your wife read this post. Let us know how that works out for you...

 

Your marriage is done. Not right now, but sometime in the future. If you somehow manage to bury all the b*ll**** going on in your head, you're going to live a life of misery. Just wait until you start getting the feelings of your wife stepping out on you because of what you did...

 

Hindsight is always 20/20, and you my friend have a front row seat...

 

Actually I don't think my marriage is over at all but you are certainly entitled to your opinion. I know you may think its that black and white but its far from it. I have completely recommitted to my marriage, getting therapy help and truly do love my wife. People can change and people make mistakes all the time. Its how you deal with those mistakes that make the person and not repeat them. Sure I still think of my AP but unfortunately, as much as I would like not to, she will always be a part of me and will have a place in my mind and heart forever. The relationship was that intense and those feelings just do not disappear. Good or bad there is no changing that in any way. But I will bury her in my mind to a place that appropriate b/c thats all I can do. I wish her nothing but the best and I hope she truly finds happiness. And I hope I can find a way to move forward in a positive, productive way.

 

I will try and live my life, love my wife the best that I can and learn from the mistake and move forward. Life will go on and so will I.

Edited August 31, 2018 by newfocus

[newfocus]

 

You say that you wouldn't recommend an affair, yet you are torn about "the one that maybe got away" and seriously miss her, and your wife. You have continuously lied to your wife about the affair, and your feelings for your AP. Did you lie to your AP too, and hint at your marriage being lousy, and you were ready to leave, but (fill in blanket excuse why you couldn't)? You talk about your AP as "the one that got away" in the same paragraph as you comment "I'm not unhappy in my marriage", which one is it? Are you happily married, or longing for someone else?

 

OR, go find the possible love of your life in Vegas, and see if she is the one that got away, or the one who escaped all of your lies, and manipulation. "She wasn't who you thought she was, and you gave her too much credit"? WOW! That was a quick change from "I'm so torn, and miss her" You strung her along and lied to her for how long? And yet somehow she isn't who you thought she was. Somehow you are managing to deflect blame onto her. You want her one minute, and trash talk her the next. Keeping up with your emotional shifts is draining!

 

If you ever loved your wife, stop playing these mind games, and give her the choice about who she wants to be with. Give her the option to decide if you are worth fighting for. She deserves that much, at the very least.

 

Actually I loved my AP very much. The reason I say she was not who I thought she was is due to things that were said at the end. Some things came out which I was not aware of but when real life starts to happen in an A this is what happens. I am not sure I knew this person as much as I thought I did and thats disappointing. Affair people want to live the fantasy not the real life. I was very honest with her about how I was torn with many things going on but sometimes though people don't hear what the other person is saying. I needed her to be there and understand what was about to happen if I did D and from my side it was sort of a test for me to see if she would be there if/when s*&t started to go down. Thats why I say its not what I thought. But had some events transpired differently and if my AP and I talked more in depth and really wanted to be there for each other on certain matters maybe things would have been different in a lot of ways.

 

My marriage was not great at that time which is why this all happened but sometimes it takes a major event to get to the truth and help for everyone. And thats whats happening with me getting therapy and my wife and I are really talking more and getting things out in the open. I am truly recommitting to my marriage and seeing where life takes me. Thats all I can do.

[merrmeade]

Newfocus. I am unmarried, but I have learned that it is best for married people to actively protect themselves and their spouses from emotional and mental and physical harm, just as it is important for single people to protect themselves in a similar fashion. Thus, my advice to you...

 

I assume that this adage is specifically meant for single people. It is not for married people who have bound themselves to another, especially if they are not in an "open" marriage. Thus, while you were in Vegas, you were still bound by married people's rules... the decisions you made are akin to you stating that the affair got started simply because you went to Las Vegas. I find this logic to be ludicrous!

 

This is utterly and passively careless, and I do hope you come to identify it that way as well. Generally, sex doesn't just happen anyway. As you attempt to reconcile and recommit to your wife and marriage, please remain active in guarding against infidelity. You cannot be passive and just let things happen to you that will also negatively affect your wife and family. You have to be on guard and not allow inappropriate behavior in either direction: from you or towards you.

I have done everything I can to make sure I am not contacted but I guess if someone wants to get in contact with someone they can and will. But all you have mentioned has been done on my part.

This is how your opening post sounded and how you still sound — as if these things and people just happen to you and there's nothing you could've done to prevent it.

 

I used to give my husband the excuse that he just never learned but that's b.s. I've talked to him enough about his cheating to know that he absolutely knew better and knew exactly what he was doing. He was no one's victim. Neither are you.

 

"Be on guard" is key. Be on guard to potentially dangerous (for you) circumstances and people. And be on guard against your own tendencies. Your attraction and illicit enjoyment seduces your mind, so you just stop thinking about what constitutes the first step, nevermind how many you've already taken.Your mind has the guard job—rather than working the other way to rationalize and minimize what you've done to your conscience. The mind can play tricks on you and justify anything or just shut down so you can do what you feel.

 

Not only should you be on guard, but you should be actively making your attraction to your wife come alive in new, fresh ways that you can use when you're away. Use your mind to help you here, too, to imagine something new with your wife instead of with someone you don't have. Call your wife when you're away and feeling pulled in a dangerous direction. Flirt with and tease her on the phone. You have to inject excitement for the unknown into your marriage in imaginative ways. If you don't know what I'm talking about, work on it in counseling.

Edited August 31, 2018 by merrmeade

[newfocus]

This is how your opening post sounded and how you still sound — as if these things and people just happen to you and there's nothing you could've done to prevent it.

 

I used to give my husband the excuse that he just never learned but that's b.s. I've talked to him enough about his cheating to know that he absolutely knew better and knew exactly what he was doing. He was no one's victim. Neither are you.

 

"Be on guard" is key. Be on guard to potentially dangerous (for you) circumstances and people. And be on guard against your own tendencies. Your attraction and illicit enjoyment seduces your mind, so you just stop thinking about what constitutes the first step, nevermind how many you've already taken.Your mind has the guard job—rather than working the other way to rationalize and minimize what you've done to your conscience. The mind can play tricks on you and justify anything or just shut down so you can do what you feel.

 

Not only should you be on guard, but you should be actively making your attraction to your wife come alive in new, fresh ways that you can use when you're away. Use your mind to help you here, too, to imagine something new with your wife instead of with someone you don't have. Call your wife when you're away and feeling pulled in a dangerous direction. Flirt with and tease her on the phone. You have to inject excitement for the unknown into your marriage in imaginative ways. If you don't know what I'm talking about, work on it in counseling.

 

Extremely good advice and I appreciate the kind words. I completely agree with you I need to "be on guard" and I will moving forward.

 

And I am no one's victim, except to myself. And yes, I knew what I was doing, I can fully admit that and will be guarded next time. And you are exactly right, things with my wife need to change but these are fun changes like you mentioned.

[IndigoNight]

I am truly recommitting to my marriage and seeing where life takes me.

 

If you are truly recommitting to your wife, then why are you on here pining about your AP? Most of your posts here sound like you wish things had worked out with her (AP). If you think there is nothing wrong with your posts, imagine, if you can, how your wife would feel if she found them, and realized that you wrote them. As the saying goes "A jealous woman does a better job than the FBI."

 

I do sincerely wish you and your wife the best of luck. Honesty goes a long way to rebuilding trust, and love.

[frigginlost]

Actually I don't think my marriage is over at all but you are certainly entitled to your opinion. I know you may think its that black and white but its far from it. I have completely recommitted to my marriage, getting therapy help and truly do love my wife. People can change and people make mistakes all the time. Its how you deal with those mistakes that make the person and not repeat them. Sure I still think of my AP but unfortunately, as much as I would like not to, she will always be a part of me and will have a place in my mind and heart forever. The relationship was that intense and those feelings just do not disappear. Good or bad there is no changing that in any way. But I will bury her in my mind to a place that appropriate b/c thats all I can do. I wish her nothing but the best and I hope she truly finds happiness. And I hope I can find a way to move forward in a positive, productive way.

 

I will try and live my life, love my wife the best that I can and learn from the mistake and move forward. Life will go on and so will I.

 

I think you believe you have, but if you truly did, you would not be on these boards pining over your AP. You said it yourself, you're going to "bury" her in your mind. Sorry to inform you, but burying does not solve anything. Honesty does...

 

I do wish you and your wife the best as everybody on these boards wants the best for those that post here, but I don't see what it takes to save your marriage in your words.

[Mr. Lucky]

My marriage was not great at that time which is why this all happened

 

False, wrong and incorrect.

 

newfocus, marriage in itself doesn't bind the spouses, commitment comes from you. I'd guess your marriage was "not great" for your wife also, did she start sleeping with someone else? And even though you say you've recommitted to the marriage, there will be "not great" patches in the future - what will will happen then?

 

Stop blaming your marriage and the siren-call of your AP and start understanding it was your own entitlement and weakness that caused your infidelity. Hopefully, that will help your understand that only your own resolve and not some fortuitous set of circumstances will make you successful down the road.

 

Good spouses overcome adversity, they don't use it as an excuse to cheat...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Confused48]

she will always be a part of me and will have a place in my mind and heart forever. The relationship was that intense and those feelings just do not disappear. Good or bad there is no changing that in any way.

 

This sounds like a love sick teenager. Was your wife your first love? Did you marry your high school sweetheart? If not then you know full well that you will get over your AP. Time is all it takes.

 

Someday you will see your AP for the, cheating on her husband, immoral home wrecker, that she really is. What if your wife cheated on you? What would you think of her morals then? That is the person you are pining for? A low life cheater? You dodged a bullet here. If you had married her the chances of her never cheating on you would be slim to none.

[TennisGal]

"I will try and live my life, love my wife the best that I can and learn from the mistake and move forward."

 

Will that include telling your wife about the truth of her life? That you lied about ending the affair and continued it? That you loved your AP? That she will always be in your mind and heart?

 

If you do not tell this to your wife, then you are lying to her about her life and marriage.

[BettyDraper]

I notice that you have difficulty taking responsibility for your actions.

You are pointing the finger at your wife. It's time to accept that you made the decision to have an affair.

 

If you were really committed to your marriage, you wouldn't be thinking of ways to reach out to your AP. You also wouldn't focus purely on your own feelings.

A WS who is committed to his marriage would be focused on healing the damage he caused.

[pepperbird]

Op,

put yourself in your wife's place. you are asking her to commit to repairing your relationship when she doesn't have all the information.

 

 

It's not just for her, but yourself as well. A marriage that is built on a lie will have so many problems, and how can one really reconcile if there is dishonesty?

 

 

Added to this the way you pine about your ow. It make some wonder if your wife is really just your consolation prize. Ask yourself if your ow had been willing to be with you full time and openly, would you have left your wife for her? If your answer is "yes", then ask yourself what business you have putting your wife in the position she is in. It's one thing if she has all the information, it's quite another if she is basing her decisions on a lie.

[ladydesigner]

newfocus your M doesn't have a chance because you are still hiding the truth from your wife. That will always be a barrier in the M whether you like it or not. Your wife is also healing on her own because you haven't been there to help her heal only concerned about yourself and the exOW. False R is a marriage killer. It certainly killed mine. My WS didn't tell me about the first D-Day or the last D-Day he's a spineless liar, similar to what you are doing.

 

Keep telling yourself it will be ok that's what WS's do best anyways... justification. Really that is all I hear throughout your post.

[Bardon]

OP,

 

Unfortunately for you, virtually nobody on this site will have any sympathy, let alone empathy for your situation. Guys in exactly the same situation as you come on here and state exactly what you did: Had an affair, fell utterly in love with their AP, got found out, but never left their wife. Unfortunately they almost never stay here on this forum, so we never know what happened, whether they successfully saved their marriage, got divorced or just stayed married but unhappy. As you have discovered, the advice is hard, and almost always from those who have been on the other side of the fence, so bear that in mind. Hard to talk to NRA supporters about gun control.....

 

What I will tell you is you actually will NEVER get over this affair. You experienced fog induced utopia, the ecstasy was overwhelming, and you will never forget her. Now how you deal with that fact will pave the path ahead for the rest of your life. Every time you fight with your wife you will wish you were with the AP. It will get less painful as time goes by. But just when you think you are in fact over her, something will trigger you and knock you back years. Maybe you see her double, or you go back to Vegas, or you hear someone laugh just like she did. It's the price you have to pay for the affair. It is awful, painful, and not many people have any idea how you feel.

 

I do. More misery to come and I'm 2 years into it. Good luck to you.