Guy living with his ex

[Frustrated33]

hello, i am just hoping to gain some advice, as i am feeling very sad right now.

 

i met this guy three years ago. he and i became very good friends, as he was in a relationship at the time. i always had feelings for him, but kept them inside because he had a girlfriend. they moved in together about a year ago, so i backed off completely and stopped talking to him altogether. it was painful for me, but i felt it would get harder down the road, as they became more seirous.

 

about three months after he moved in with her (of absolutely no contact on my part), he started contacting me again. initially, i was distant, but my feelings were still there and i let him back into my heart (not that i ever let him go). he told me that he was unhappy in his relationship, but was trying to make it work...but he had thought about me often and missed our friendship. from that point on, we continued to talk to one another daily. we did not see each other at all, because he was still in a relaitonship. but it felt good to have his friendship again, even though i wanted more and couldn't have it.

 

as the winter went on, i was starting to realize that my strong feelings for him were holding me back form meeting new guys. even though we weren't in any type of relationship, i was allowing my emotions to grow deeper (i don't think any of us choose who we fall in love with), whilst cutting myself off from the opportunity to meet anyone else.

 

i'm 29 years old, so i started to panic. "why am i wasting my time? he's in a relationship, blah blah blah." well, i told him this and that i thought we should not talk anymore, so that i could move on with my life and he could decide what he wanted in his relationship. he said he was sad to lose me, but that he understood the situation was unfair to me.

 

not long after we stopped communicating, the two of them broke it off (that was in march). he told me how much he wanted to see me and that he was so excited to see what might happen with us. i was apprehensive, especially considering he still lived there, so i held off on the meeting. i wasn't ready emotionally and felt it too soon to see him. :o/

 

finally in june, after talking to each other everyday, we decided to meet for dinner. although they had broken up, he was still living in her house. his reaosns were all money-related. he is a school teacher and lives close to DC, where housing is very expensive. he told me he was going to look for a new place, so he could move soon.

 

since then, we have gotten together 4 different times. each time was a blast...we caught up, had fun together, and it felt "right." but what bothers me, is he's still living there. he hasn't left yet. i have told him that i don't feel comfortable and that things with us will never be right until he leaves. he agrees with me and says he wants us to work out, but yet he's still there, claiming he can't afford to move yet. i guess i'm just trying to figure out what to do. i'm so frustrated.

[littlekitty]

If you feel it's right and he's really not stalling you because of other reasons then be patient. Sometimes when partners split it does take time for everything to sort itself out.

 

But I'd be slightly concerned if I didn't see some level of effort on his behalf to make steps towards leaving the current situation, and possibly you need some confirmation that there is definately nothing going on there still.

 

Although different, my partner had only split from his BM (Baby Mother) a short while before we met, and we are still dealing with much crap surrounding the whole situation. BM was ruling our lives with her crap about when and how he could see his son, neither of us were happy with this and I said the only way to stop it was to take legal action to sort visitation. If he was sure of his decision then there was no reason not too. When nothing seemed to be happening, I then sat him down and discussed very rationally that I was finding it hard accepting that she was ruling how and when we saw each other, and that since we knew what steps to take to resolve it, I didn't understand his lack of desire to take steps to do this. I explained how much it concerned me, why, and that I wanted to see him take steps towards resolving the issue. He also explained that he wanted to, was a little reluctant to rock the boat initially, but had to agree nothing was improving as he had hoped and that it was time to do something, he also mentioned that he was finding it hard to know what steps to take and how. He asked me to help him to work out the process etc., which I was more than happy to step up to the plate and do.

 

Perhaps ask if there is anything you can do to help him make the move out of there. If he can afford to share with her, I'm sure he can afford to share with someone else....!

 

[bluechocolate]

i don't feel comfortable and that things with us will never be right until he leaves. he agrees with me and says he wants us to work out, but yet he's still there, claiming he can't afford to move yet. i guess I'm just trying to figure out what to do. I'm so frustrated.

 

You're correct - they will never be right until he leaves. As littlekitty mentions, if he can afford to share with her he can certainly afford to share with someone else, unless of course he's not paying rent, which would be even more concerning. They broke up almost 7 months ago - plenty of time to make other arrangements in my opinion.

 

I think you need to go back to this;

 

well, i told him this and that i thought we should not talk anymore, so that i could move on with my life

[Love2share]

Your loyalty amazes me! I wish I were like you (in some ways). The relationship you have with this man is exactly the same as a relationship with a married man. The only problem is, he's not married. At least a married man has legitimate reasons to stay with his wife. But your man's reasons are not as solid as a marital responsibility.

 

When two people decide they no longer want to be together, they separate. Money should not be a big issue. He lived somewhere without her before they moved in together. He should be able to do the same now. Seven months is more than enough time for him to have left her.

 

The only reason that he's staying is convinence, and comfort. In other words, she is satisfying his needs. It doesn't matter if they are emotional, physical, or financial. You should be the only woman who does that. And the most important thing is that you don't know what goes on inside THEIR home together. I am certain that if he wasn't happy, he would leave.

 

Everyone wants to be happy. If you make him happy, he would clearly see that his relationship with his roommate/XGF is hendering his happiness with you. Oh wait!!! No it isn't. He spends a little time with you whenever he WANTS to. It is very possible that this man is having his cake and eating it too.

[Cecelius]

The probelm is that he may really not be able to afford to live where he wants to live alone and your relationship with him is not far enough along that he would make a serious adjustment to his plans to accomodate you. You seriously may have a catch-22.

 

I say that you should just let him know very clearly but nicely that you aren't prepared to be ANYTHING more than pals until he's moved on from this situation. But try to be patient with the situation: you have your circumstances that you can't do much about (age and how that makes you feel), so does he.

[Frustrated33]

Since posting initially and reading all of your responses, I have talked to him. Thank you all so much for taking the time to read and respond. I appreciate the honest advice.

 

We had an argument on Sunday over something very petty, then I later admitted the underlying issue-the fact that he is still living there with HER. I asked him to reverse roles...how would he feel if I was still living with an old boyfriend? He admitted this would make him uneasy.

 

He also admitted that the two of them get along so well, that it isn't uncomfortable. Despite that they aren't romantically connected anymore, they are great friends. I have talked to her before, and she is a very nice girl, who has helped him a lot the past few years.

 

I told him the friends issue doesn't bother me. What DOES is this living arrangement, which makes it awkward for me to stay with him or come over.

 

At the end of our discussion, I told him I don't feel "right" about this, that I DO care for him and understand his monetary struggles.

 

However, I concluded the discussion with a "let's not see one another again until you find alternative housing." We had a date planned for this coming Saturday, but I told him we would have to postpone this meeting until things changed.

 

He agreed and said he understood my reasons for backing off. He said he's become too complacent in his present situation and needs to "get his priorities straight." He told me he will look for alternative housing so that our relationship is conducted in the "right" way.

 

He is paying rent to her, but it's a lot cheaper than most places in this area. I, too, am a teacher and live month to month, in addition to rent payments of nearly $1,000. (half my paycheck!) I understand his $$$ frustrations, because I'm in the same boat. But because I'm in his position, his excuses don't fly with me. LOL.

 

So that's where we stand. I am not begging him to do anything, nor am I throwing out ultimatums. I am simply telling him that, despite how much I enjoy our time together, I will not see him until circumstances are different.

 

Time will only tell whether or not this relationship is important to him. If he does not follow through, then he obviously doesn't want me in his life as much as I do him. In that case, I'll have to shed some tears and move on with my life.

 

If he does keep his word, then he obviously wants to see where this can go...

 

Thanks again...I'll keep you posted.

[Mary3]

He should move out and be on his own. Maybe you can get a place together

[Cupcake]

because he could possibly become complacent with you too. After all, do you know why he and his current roomate/XGF broke up? You should consider the same thing will eventually happen between the two of you as well.

 

Also, living together takes a relationship to a totally different level, like getting married without the legal bond. It's very easy to become too comfortable and take each other for granted. Before you know it, he will be dating someone else, and telling them how difficult it is to leave you. Watch out !!!

[Cecelius]

I think you are making the right move. You're not demanding anything as a price of being in the relationship -- most people would agree that no real relationship can begin to exist while he's hanging with his ex every day.

 

I also agree that he shouldn't move in with you either -- too soon.

[Mary3]

Right On Cupcake ! Very eloquently said.................Take and heed this advice !

[Frustrated33]

...moving in with one another is not an option right now.

 

I have been on my own for the past 11 years, and I've grown accustomed to taking care of myself financially. I have no desire to live with him at this time. Despite that we're very close emotionally, I think it would be a mistake. Like one of you mentioned, he might become too complacent with me and fall back into his past patterns. He admits that he needs to get his priorities straight.

 

He is 33 years old and perfectly capable of moving out on his own. His present living situation is definitely too comfortable and too easy.

 

He grew up in a household without a very good role model. His father, though a very nice man, never had a steady job, and his mother worked 3 jobs to support the family before becoming deathly ill. At that point, his father began working, but didn't report his income to the IRS. They lost their house and many personal possessions. NOt long after, his mother passed away. I know this incident affected him greatly. I also wonder if he learned some of his father's negative behaviors, if that's possible? :/

 

Like I said before, I am not pressuring him or pestering or nagging...He knows that I am very uncomfortable with his present living situation, hence my polite refusal to see him until things change. It's difficult to be away from him, but it's the right thing to do.

 

Hopefully I will be on here again and telling you all about his new place...that is, IF he follows through. Actions do speak a heck of a lot louder than words.

[Mary3]

I think he is a son walking in his dads steps. He does not have to be a repeat of his * dad* but he seems to like paying cheap rent and having someone with a steady income.

 

I say dump him.

 

That sounds mean but its BS that he can' get out of there. He is likely sleeping with her and having all the benefits and paying cheap rent.

 

Sorry to be so blunt but thats my take on it

[flowergirl]

Frustrated:

 

Although I know how expensive housing is in this area (I live in the DC area), I agree with Mary3 that that guy really isn't good. If a guy really likes you, he'll make reasonable adjustments to his life, and moving out of his ex's apt if he's trying to be with you would undoubtedly qualify as a reasonable adjustment.

[Cupcake]

But I don't think you should neccesarily dump him. Just back off of him, a lot, until he gets his act together. Don't keep yourself fully invested in him, emotionally, because this situation is definately a major red flag. Good, honest, and decent men don't act like this. I think us women sometimes get used to dealing with jerks that we really don't know what good men are like. He's like a married man and you're like the other woman.

[Frustrated33]

...I am definitely backing off A LOT.

 

As much as I don't want to be with anyone else right now, I am going to open myself up to dating other guys. I would rather keep my options open and let him see that I'm not waiting and waiting and waiting...

 

I know I've already made that mistake once. And, obviously, it got me nowhere.

 

You're right...a decent and honorable guy wouldn't take advantage of this situation. My problem is, I've always given him the benefit of the doubt, like I do everyone in my life. He's paying cheap rent, living in a beautiful home and getting love and affection from me on the side. Excuses, excuses, excuses. This is also allowing him to not FULLY commit to me, because his living situation doesn't allow me to get that close.

 

Please don't get me wrong, he's a good person. But like Mary3 mentioned, I'm afraid he might be walking in his father's footsteps. Our financial future might be a disaster, if that's the case.

 

I know what I have to do. I'm not writing him off completely. I am hoping that he will keep his word and move out. However, I know that I must open myself up to other opportunities in the meantime. If he's not committed to me, then there' no reason I should commit to him.

 

It hurts because I do love him dearly. But, at the same time, I'm angry that he's gotten away with this for so long. I know its my fault for going along with it, but I also feel he's taken advantage of the situation too.

 

Thanks, everyone.

[Mary3]

Sounds like he is getting everything * his way * and he is not going to make any changes to make it move forward. Like honorably moving out and being a man and getting his own place ( maybe eventually with you ).

 

I think he is punking out and making excuses. Is he sleeping with her ? If he is, ( whether he tells you the truth or not ) He is effect : having an affair on her by being with you.

 

I would not put up with this . I would not want someone who could not stand on their own feet financially. My dad always got up and went to work and so do I and so I expect my guy to get up and go to work as well.

 

Some women get caught in the trap of BS and deceit.

 

I think to myself " Why is your boyfriend living with a girl that he once was involved with " I would think I smelled a rat here....

 

You are an enabler here. SO is his x gf he is living with. He will always look for someone who enables him to live the good life without putting alot of effort forward. ( $$$ )

 

I say again : Dump him.

 

You can do alot better than this...

[flowergirl]

Nicole, I'm proud of you, because you've taken the first step in freeing yourself mentally from this man. Keep up the good work, I understand first hand how hard that can be.