Broken Soul seaking Guidance

[jamie353352]

Here is my story - it is very long so bear with me.

 

 

 

I have been in a FWB relationship for 3yrs and 6mnths. Lets call him Paul. I am 26 and my POI is 27. We were exclusive - hanged out w family members, went to parties together, go out to eat, have movie nights, driven around town together. He constantly spoke to me about his past. His worst nightmares. We spoke about future dreams and trips; in which I was always part of. Once he even said he was getting a motorcycle in the future - and playfully he stated that if we were going to be going around town together we would need to lose weight. He trusted me with his social security, his phone acct, his secrets and family problems. Both of us would buy each other presents for Christmas, bdays, etc. He painted a painting for me too. I have paid bills for him when he was unemployed, nursed him when he was sick, gave him money for groceries etc.

 

Him and I tried to have a relationship before. I was a complete person back then – I was a virgin and I was molested by one of my neighbors when I was 12 so I was very closed off. We texted and messaged each other for over a year and a half and when we finally met in person (we haven’t seen each other since we were in high school) we kissed. We didn’t make out. His kisses were gentle and sweet. I was 21 at the time and I had never had a boyfriend before then. He never tried to have sex with me in that time frame. We hanged out for a few hours and I went home. Because of my insecurities later that night I sent him a message telling him he made me feel like a W**re. We didn’t try to do anything afterwards and I found out he started dating this other woman a few weeks after our falling out. A little back story on the ex – he was with her for 2yrs – she was his manager in one of his previous jobs. She was a married woman twice his age. Throughout his relationship with her – I moved on and ended up in a 6month abusive relationship. I was raped by my partner and beat. He used to abuse me emotionally, psychologically, and physically. So I came out even more closed off that relationship on 2014. We had seen each other in our mutual friends’ parties and outing and we had always had this unspoken awkward pull. Well fast forward to 2015 Paul breaks up with his ex and comes back into my life. At this point, the mental damage my ex had done, I wanted nothing serious. So, I made Paul promise me he would not get feelings for me. I tried to break things off multiple times when I was with him. It wasn’t until his actions and his loving behavior, that it helped me get over a lot of my fears. I became ready to be part of a real relationship.

The only problem? he kept saying he needed time to fix his life. He is the sole provider in his home as his mom is sick and his brother is in school. He only has a GED and cooking experience, so the options for jobs are very minimal for him. He must pay off his parent's debt since his father passed away. He doesn't have a car to move him around either. He expressed many times that a man needed to provide certain things for a woman. Every time we would get in fight (they were not that bad of often) he would be the one to contact me first and beg him to take him back. He told me i meant a lot to him - he had feelings for me and i could call it love but he needed to keep me at a distance.

 

 

 

Paul and I got in a fight on 7/16 and ended up in NC for two weeks. The Friday of the second week I get a FB friend request from his best friend, let’s call him Henry. Henry tells me that he heard from Paul that we had stopped talking because he went back to his ex. I felt everything was a complete lie. The kisses, his words, his actions. Everything. I was so angry, hurt, and to be honest very unstable, especially since I am readjusting to antidepressants.

 

 

 

Me and Henry were messaging back and forth throughout the day. He started flirting with me and I told him that if he was serious it would be bad on his part considering I had feelings for Paul. He dismissed it and went on saying he knew what a D**k Paul was. He tried to get me to promise I would not tell Paul that he had told me he was back with the ex. I agreed. At this point I have been sitting with the idea of Paul with his ex and I was becoming more and more emotional. I messaged Henry to let him know I was on my way to Paul house to give him back his stuff. I wanted nothing to do with him anymore. I was crying and that is when Henry called me. He told me not to go, that Paul was very unstable due to some family issues he could not disclose. He recommended that I met him somewhere to get the stuff. He would do me the favor of giving Paul his stuff, so I agreed. I spent the next couple of hrs crying and vented to this guy, while he was drilling in my head how happy he was with the ex and how I never meant anything to Paul. He told me Paul never told him anything about me. That he didn’t even know I didn’t existed in Paul’s life. This devastated me even more.

 

 

 

Long story short - after this mental and emotional torture, I agreed to get physical with him. He kept on saying that he was the solution to my pain. That he could help me forget. Henry and I had a 2min quickie... in his car. I didn’t let him kiss me or touch me anywhere else. After Henry went on saying he was better than his friend and that he will treat me better. I laughed since I was at no point believing any BS. I was right. Henry blocks me a few days later, but not before he tried to convince me to change my number and to disappear out of Paul’s life.

 

 

 

Well I told my friend everything and she thought they had set up a trap to mess with me. She took his number from my phone and she texted him. Accused Paul of being a lying pig who took advantage of me. She went back and forth with him and she told him that Henry and I had sex.

I decided to break the NC and I unblocked him. I received a call from Paul at 3:40AM. He had been trying to get ahold of me all day – so I went over to his house to talk. I was not having this conversation on the phone. He pleaded me to tell him over the phone, but he finally agreed to meet.

 

 

I found a very desperate, drunk and destroyed man. I showed him the messages and confessed everything. We argued about the ex and the lack of trust I had in him. We talked and cried. He comforted me even though he was the one that was in pain. He didn’t shame me or humiliate me. He told me I was human, and I made a mistake. We went inside his house where we laid on the bed just hugging each other saying how much we missed each other. He said it was all our faults. His friend shouldn’t have taken advantage. I shouldn’t have said yes. He shouldn’t have pushed me away. We stayed cuddling in his bed until the early morning. He spoke to me gently and before I left he insisted that we remain friends and that he needed to think about what to do. I called him 12hrs later and I found a very upset man. I don’t blame him. He has 12 hours to sober up and to process what I had done.

 

 

He is cutting Henry off for good. He cannot forgive his best friend, especially when he asked Henry face to face if it was true. Henry lied. All he could keep telling Paul was “I swear on my kids’ life I never touched her! That B***h is lying.” As for me - we will remain friends, but he told me he could not forgive me. This is the ultimate betrayal and he could never trust me again. I am not sure why he insisted in staying friends - I don’t even deserve that from him. I begged him to give me a shot but he told me he had his pride as a man. He would never forgive himself if he took me back. He was proud of himself for controlling himself earlier. He wanted to take me back, to kiss me and make love to me right then and there. He said it just sadden him that I never saw myself as his – since he always saw me as his girl. I was his girl.

 

 

 

I truly do love him and this is the first time I have ever done something so impulsive. He has been the only man I ever loved. Now I lost him, and I feel like a fool. To a lot of you It seems like excuses. I am not proud of myself. Right after I made the mistake I felt sick to my stomach. I betrayed my principles, my values, and my morale. I betrayed a good man. I betrayed myself. My abusive ex – the only reason why he had left my side was because he cheated on me with my good friend at that time and he wanted to go into a relationship with her. It took me a lot but after a year I forgave both and me and her are still friends. The damage this cause me though was devastating. I cannot even begin to imagine what he is going through. I don’t ask for anyone to excuse me for what I have done. This is my cross to bear – but I do need help coping with this mess.

[smackie9]

This is really beyond for us to help you with. I suggest you find a therapist that deals with abusive relationships,etc to help guide you through the next step in your life.

 

 

I have one thing I want to say: you let people who you think love you, take advantage of you and manipulate you. IMO you let yourself be too vulnerable, and you need professional help with that.

Edited August 11, 2018 by smackie9

[BaileyB]

This story is so complicated, it is hard to follow... There is a lot of drama in this story.

 

You say that you have been in a FWB relationship with Paul for years... My friend, what you describe is not FWB - you have dated this man for years. The kinds of things you describe are things that people do when they are in a relationship.

 

To be very honest, I also think you need to find a good counsellor. There is a history of abuse, you have difficulty establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries with men related to sex, and you don't seem to understand how to have a healthy relationship with a man. I hope you find some good support to help you to answer all your questions...

[jamie353352]

Thank you so much for your honest advise. I am quite aware that I have a lot of issues and I do have a therapist working with me in regards to my issues. I know it is beyond the scope of a forum and non professionals since even my therapist have a lot of work to do.

 

 

My biggest concern as far as guidance was coping w betrayal as the betrayer and getting some sense of guidance/advise on how to make it up to Paul. That's why I sought advise in this forum.

 

 

 

Update:

 

I have recently spoken to Paul and he told me that he does not hate me nor does he want any ill to befall me. Paul stated that if he takes me back things will never be the same.