Datergirl Posted August 11, 2018 Posted August 11, 2018 Hi all, I'very been reading the forum threads for a few days and the perspectives seem rounded. I'm hoing I can get some impartial views on my current situation with my boyfriend. We've been seeing each other 5 weeks. We've been out on maybe 7/8 dates. He's been late 2 of those times. He doesn't have his own transport and relies on using his brothers car. This has been the reason both times and I've been fairly flexible and understanding about that. However, we're supposed to be going to his friends birthday party tonight. The plan was for him to come here at a specified time for some food before heading out. I didn't hear from him until just after he's supposed to be here telling me the car broke down but that he does want to see me and he'll let me know when he's sorted out transport. It's starting to get on my nerves and kind of feels like it's not the whole truth. I guess I either trust him or I don't..... He's a 37 year old man. He should have his sh*t together.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 11, 2018 Posted August 11, 2018 If you really suspect he's lying and feel he should have his "s**t" together, you are wasting your time with him. There is a clear undertone to your comment, there. Do you have a car? If you do, why are you not offering to help out and pick him up when his brother's broke down? If not, what is preventing you from getting your s**t together and buying one? 1
Lotsgoingon Posted August 11, 2018 Posted August 11, 2018 He could be on the up and up ... honest guy ... just disorganized ... and in a tough financial situation ... But in the cell phone era, he was supposed to notify you ahead of time that he was running late and car had broken down. Maybe go out again ... but sounds like he's just not at a point when he's reliable. It's great to demand reliability ... because frankly, unreliable person whose honest ... is as toxic in practice as a unreliable person who is dishonest and carrying on behind your back. They both destroy relationships. Bottom line: you don't need to conclude he's a bad person to call things off. Did you raise hell about the late call on the day of the supposed car breakdown. You need to tell him that you expect a timely call. Period.
Author Datergirl Posted August 11, 2018 Author Posted August 11, 2018 I have a car and have given him a lift before. I don't want to get into the habit of doing it all the time though. I've just offered him a lift as, after your comment, feel I may have been a bit too harsh. I do believe him. I'm just annoyed as haven't seen him since last weekend and made an effort to be ready on time, find a nice dress to wear....but I guess it's unavoidable as these things happen.
d0nnivain Posted August 11, 2018 Posted August 11, 2018 I don't think he's lying but I also think he's kinda rude. If he called as soon as the car broke down, well then it's just one of those things but if you are going to continue you will either have to deal with him being unreliable or you will always have to drive 1
Author Datergirl Posted August 11, 2018 Author Posted August 11, 2018 I didn't raise he'll as I'm really not that kind of person. I will tell him that he needs to let me know in advance if he's running late. I think he is being honest, just not in a good place financially right now. I don't want to call it off but I do want a little more consideration from him with a timely phone call. I do understand things happen out of our control but I'm very organised and reliable and it just doesn't happen to me that often so think he's blowing me off when he actually isn't. I do really like him. I guess I just have to decide if this is something I can live with.
stillafool Posted August 11, 2018 Posted August 11, 2018 He's a 37 year old man. He should have his sh*t together. It's obvious that at 37 he doesn't have his sh*t together so why are you still dating him or trying to? 2
Doost Posted August 11, 2018 Posted August 11, 2018 How old are you? He obviously has problems with cars etc and if you don’t like it you should meet one of the many men who don’t have these issues 1
Author Datergirl Posted August 11, 2018 Author Posted August 11, 2018 I'm 40. Other than his transport issues, he's the first man in a long time that I've actually really fancied. Besides the great chemistry, he's got this amazing energy and I really like the vibe I feel when around him. I don't want to date anyone else. 1
Gaeta Posted August 11, 2018 Posted August 11, 2018 I would not date a man that has no car especially when you get in your age braket. A man of 37 needs to be able to take himself from point A to B on his own. I don't care how charming he is.
Normm Posted August 11, 2018 Posted August 11, 2018 If he doesn't have enough money for a car he doesn't have enough money for anything else.
Author Datergirl Posted August 11, 2018 Author Posted August 11, 2018 How much money he has or doesn't have is irrelevant to me. I support myself. Always have. I don't understand what you mean by he doesn't have money for anything else? Like what? He always pays his way on dates, we split things roughly 50/50...I'm not counting who buys what but it's pretty even
kendahke Posted August 11, 2018 Posted August 11, 2018 Hi all, I'very been reading the forum threads for a few days and the perspectives seem rounded. I'm hoing I can get some impartial views on my current situation with my boyfriend. We've been seeing each other 5 weeks. We've been out on maybe 7/8 dates. He's been late 2 of those times. He doesn't have his own transport and relies on using his brothers car. This has been the reason both times and I've been fairly flexible and understanding about that. However, we're supposed to be going to his friends birthday party tonight. The plan was for him to come here at a specified time for some food before heading out. I didn't hear from him until just after he's supposed to be here telling me the car broke down but that he does want to see me and he'll let me know when he's sorted out transport. It's starting to get on my nerves and kind of feels like it's not the whole truth. I guess I either trust him or I don't..... He's a 37 year old man. He should have his sh*t together. So you're 40, so the question becomes: why do you need us to tell you what you need to do? Clearly, you have issues with him not having his life together enough for your satisfaction, you think he's a liar and can't be trusted, so why are you trying to figure out ways to accommodate someone whose place/condition in life you clearly don't have respect for? 1
Author Datergirl Posted August 11, 2018 Author Posted August 11, 2018 I would not date a man that has no car especially when you get in your age braket. A man of 37 needs to be able to take himself from point A to B on his own. I don't care how charming he is. Not even if you really liked him? You could miss out on something good.
Author Datergirl Posted August 11, 2018 Author Posted August 11, 2018 So you're 40, so the question becomes: why do you need us to tell you what you need to do? Clearly, you have issues with him not having his life together enough for your satisfaction, you think he's a liar and can't be trusted, so why are you trying to figure out ways to accommodate someone whose place/condition in life you clearly don't have respect for? I was just letting off steam.
kendahke Posted August 11, 2018 Posted August 11, 2018 I was just letting off steam. do you or don't you have issues with where a man his age is in life? I agree with Gaeta--a man of a certain age should have his stuff together way more than this. It doesn't matter how good a person he is---his inability to rise to the occasion is going to get really old, really fast and it will do more to fertilize your aggravation at his said inability. So, if he's that good of a guy and you're just here "letting off steam", then there is no problem, right? Just tell him to put Uber or Lyft on his cell phone and he can call a ride to come see you and do things with you, since his car situation is so messed up.
smackie9 Posted August 11, 2018 Posted August 11, 2018 I didn't raise he'll as I'm really not that kind of person. I will tell him that he needs to let me know in advance if he's running late. I think he is being honest, just not in a good place financially right now. I don't want to call it off but I do want a little more consideration from him with a timely phone call. I do understand things happen out of our control but I'm very organised and reliable and it just doesn't happen to me that often so think he's blowing me off when he actually isn't. I do really like him. I guess I just have to decide if this is something I can live with. 5 weeks in and you have a strong issue with this....I tell you right now, you will regret staying with him. He's unreliable and disorganized period. He's 37 years old...can't teach an old dog new tricks. This is his personality....it's going to drive you to resentment. Not going to work out, I can see it from here. 1
No_Go Posted August 11, 2018 Posted August 11, 2018 Where do you live? Where I am, not having a car is a non-issue because it’s so easy to uber around. The only reason I got a car was I was fed up talking to the drivers, otherwise cost of owning vs ubering was similar. Him being late is his personality type. I’m never late and expect the same, I know people who are the opposite. It’s a compatibility issue you need to evaluate. Hi all, I'very been reading the forum threads for a few days and the perspectives seem rounded. I'm hoing I can get some impartial views on my current situation with my boyfriend. We've been seeing each other 5 weeks. We've been out on maybe 7/8 dates. He's been late 2 of those times. He doesn't have his own transport and relies on using his brothers car. This has been the reason both times and I've been fairly flexible and understanding about that. However, we're supposed to be going to his friends birthday party tonight. The plan was for him to come here at a specified time for some food before heading out. I didn't hear from him until just after he's supposed to be here telling me the car broke down but that he does want to see me and he'll let me know when he's sorted out transport. It's starting to get on my nerves and kind of feels like it's not the whole truth. I guess I either trust him or I don't..... He's a 37 year old man. He should have his sh*t together.
Elpida. Posted August 11, 2018 Posted August 11, 2018 Did he come pick you up in the end? I don't know about the lying, I'd just be pissed I set my evening aside and wasted time getting ready. Couldn't he send a simple text?
preraph Posted August 11, 2018 Posted August 11, 2018 You know, this no car business makes me wonder if maybe he lost his license and isn't telling you, maybe a couple of DUIs or driving without a plate or registration. Why not spend $25 and do a background search on him? Google him too. Or sometimes you can just go to the police department website wherever he lived at the time and look up records. I mean, then you'd know. He could be driving without a license or something, you know, and end up getting stopped by police or might have unpaid tickets. Find out what you're dealing with. Then see if it looks like something that will get better with time or not. See if he has anything that if stopped, could leave you by the roadside while he goes off to jail. Of course, depends where you live. Not everyone in all towns needs a car all the time. You know, he could be taking Uber or Lyft as well. But again, that's $$. Or public transport. I do get it if he's relying on other people's cars, they place NO priority on HIM getting to his date on time. It will only take maybe $25 to do a background search and know if you're dealing with anything serious. If there's nothing legal stopping him, then it won't tell you why he can't save or keep a job (gambling? addiction? or just plain old bad luck that will change in time) This will enable you to make a more informed decision. I'm not one for kicking a person when they're down or going off on them if they're having to borrow a car to come see me, but like you, that can't go on forever, so you need to get as much info as you can. How is he going to get to work?
coolheadal Posted August 12, 2018 Posted August 12, 2018 Hi all, I'very been reading the forum threads for a few days and the perspectives seem rounded. I'm hoing I can get some impartial views on my current situation with my boyfriend. We've been seeing each other 5 weeks. We've been out on maybe 7/8 dates. He's been late 2 of those times. He doesn't have his own transport and relies on using his brothers car. This has been the reason both times and I've been fairly flexible and understanding about that. However, we're supposed to be going to his friends birthday party tonight. The plan was for him to come here at a specified time for some food before heading out. I didn't hear from him until just after he's supposed to be here telling me the car broke down but that he does want to see me and he'll let me know when he's sorted out transport. It's starting to get on my nerves and kind of feels like it's not the whole truth. I guess I either trust him or I don't..... He's a 37 year old man. He should have his sh*t together. Does he drive older car/truck/suv. Take that in for account. You just don't know. I am late myself. Got to look well groom takes time. Traffic and if it rains can slow him down. You need to be more understanding. Trust issues you have. Cooled down.. See what happens next?
Scarlett.O'hara Posted August 12, 2018 Posted August 12, 2018 How much money he has or doesn't have is irrelevant to me. I support myself. Always have. I don't understand what you mean by he doesn't have money for anything else? Like what? He always pays his way on dates, we split things roughly 50/50...I'm not counting who buys what but it's pretty even I respect your views, but you need to consider whether this guy is might end up being a liability before you start developing feelings for him, because by that point it will be too late. He is already showing signs of being unreliable and inconsiderate, and it has only been a few weeks. He should be on his best behavior right now, but it is so bad he can't hide it. If that doesn't put you off, that's your choice. Just as long as you go into this with your eyes wide open.
Doost Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 You don’t really like him or you wouldn’t be here posting about it.
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