Miserable but still torn about leaving

[bsi3709]

My wife and I have been at odds since a few months after our second child was born. For a short time after 2nd son arrived by accident she was very agreeable to frequent sex although boring. I tried spicing up with cloths or night out or other things and this just made things get worse to the point that we have no sex life. Fight constantly. I have stopped doing anything around the house which just really makes her angry but that was the point wasn't it. We have not had sex in 3 years. I asked 2 1/2 years ago after waiting for 6 months but no go. I just asked the week while on vacacation, hoping things might be calm, still no. So as much as I hate the idea of leaving and the financial disaster it will bring I feel must to decide to either live this way forever or venture into what will be a very painful process. I miss my wife before kids very much. We did things together talked about things and now we can't stand being in the same room. She has undermined me with her family and friends so I think it is really something she can't back down from even if she wanted. She has discussed our private sexual things with others and I am so humiliated. I will be labeled the bad guy for leaving kids with her. I wonder if everyone would just be happier if I just blew my brains out, at least there is insurance to raise the kids. I am dieing here. SHe never wanted to go to a counseler and neither did I but now I could be talked into it but for what, she won't go except to say she did it. Wht to do?

[Art_Critic]

I'm no expert here but I do know that some women go thru post partum depression after childbirth and one of the effects is the lack of sex drive.

 

Also some women are just not into sex after and some even are afraid of getting pregnant again.

 

You should get your wife some help .. Have her call her gyno and start there

 

or get her into therapy or MC ..

 

Don't blame your wife for her lack of sex drive.. It's not her fault.. It's all part of childbirth and being a woman and you need to be understanding of that for her and be supportive for her.

 

A little love and support can go a long way in a situation like this

[bsi3709]

My wife just turned it off a few months after 2nd son born. She was "fixed" so no chance of pregnancy. I have heard her joke with her friends about men and sex. She doesn't see a problem except with me.

[FWIW]

If you miss the way she used to be, that much, then it sounds like there's still hope - it's not a marriage worth abandoning without trying to fix it. I'm sure the good people here on LS will recommend counselling (even if you go on your own) and a ton of books worth reading. It's worth trying (rather than sink into depression) so that if it does end up with a split you can at least say you tried your best. Looking back with regret is one of the worst results, but if you know in your heart that you did all you could then at least your conscience is clear. Good luck!

[Trimmer]

I will be labeled the bad guy for leaving kids with her.

 

Why would you have to leave your kids? You remain now and forever a part of their family - an important part of it, a critically important part of it. Whatever you choose to do, you don't need to move forward with the idea that leaving your kids has to be a part of it.

 

I wonder if everyone would just be happier if I just blew my brains out, at least there is insurance to raise the kids.

 

Taking your life, no matter how, is the worst, angriest, most violent way of taking yourself away from your kids. No one will be happy about it, least of all your kids, as they will be dealing with that for the rest of their lives. C'mon - the insurance money won't make up for it...

 

She never wanted to go to a counseler and neither did I but now I could be talked into it but for what, she won't go except to say she did it.

 

... Then let me take a shot at talking you into it. Right now, you need to become whole again, for yourself, for your kids, and ultimately we hope, for your wife. I'm not saying the situation is all on your shoulders, but the stronger, calmer, more confident, and more stable you become, the better the outcome will likely be. Go start taking care of yourself, for yourself - somehow find a counselor; at least try it out once or twice. Allow yourself to be honest and open, and see what happens. The way you are talking, I think you could use an anchor and a safe place - that's how I "use" my counselor, and it's really helping me hold myself together and keep some perspective in a painful situation not unlike yours.

 

You are staring a difficult and painful loss right in the face, and talking - at least metaphorically, I hope? - like you might not want to live. If you were a personal friend, I would take you by the shoulders, look you in the eye, and say "why not at least try it - what have you got to lose?"

[Lil Honey]

I agree with Art Critic that she may have HAD post-partum depression, but that usually goes away, although the length of time differs for each woman. It has been three years. I think what may have been post-partum could now be clinical depression.

 

Trimmer was right on all counts as well. You don't have to leave your kids. In fact, you should fight to see them every chance you get, if you do leave. You are a huge part of their lives. NEVER underestimate the power of daddy-hood (as opposed to fatherhood).

 

As far as suicide goes . . . That is NOT the answer. I have been there, my friend, and for darned near the same reason only I was the wife probably feeling a lot like your wife. Committing suicide will leave your kids wondering what THEY did wrong, when in fact, they have nothing to do with the issue. Committing suicide teaches kids that when the going gets tough, they can just end it. Do you want them to consider that choice when they are having issues in high school? There really IS hope and light at the end of the dark tunnel. Trust me.

 

And yes, you DO need to take care of yourself. Start spending time on yourself. Go golfing, jogging or go to the gym. Vent your frustrations. Go to individual counseling, then maybe you can talk your wife into going.

 

So, I suggest that you try to get your wife to a doctor, take care of yourself, go to counseling and have a frank talk with your wife. Only she can tell you what the problem is and what she is thinking and feeling. Don't let three years turn into 15 like I did, because there is no going back.