When your ego is so bruised you feel you won't find another

[CKJD]

Obviously self esteem takes a huge hit when you're dumped by someone you value. This is pretty normal. Then you start to get over them, and life feels much more managable again in spite of the odd day where your longing for them rears up and hits you like a truck. You soothe yourself, and remember why things ended the way they did and your strength returns. You begin focussing on yourself again.

 

Then it hits you: you're going to want to start dating sometime in the future, because you do want love and you are lonely. But how can you start dating when you feel like your best wasn't good enough for somebody you really loved? Somebody who had, at first, admired so much about you that they seemed to really love you in return.

 

The fact that somebody felt that way about you once is evidence that it is possible for you to be loved, but then there's the break up, and other break ups, and other failures and negatives that compile a body of evidence in refutation to the idea of you being worth it.

Maybe her feelings for you were based on something else going on within her and she never meant the things she said. Maybe those things she said about you were just objectively untrue and you should not get your hopes up about finding someone who will care for you like that again. After all, if you're such a catch, how come in the passing months nobody has shown interest in you?

 

Clearly these thoughts are toxic; they are unreallistic, unhelpful to you. And yet they persist.

 

How do we combat them? Is it a sign that we are not ready for love anyway and need more healing time? Do we need to adjust our expectations?

 

It just feels like a glass half-empty at times.

[d0nnivain]

Read some books about restoring self esteem.

 

Like a cut that scabs over before healing, your body has regenerative powers.

[hope86]

I read a lot of stuff online, forums, therapists etc who keep telling you that you'll find someone even better than your ex if you only improve yourself. If that was the case then all breakups in your life should be equally painful which they're not.

 

I've had multiple breakups and the ones that hurt the most are the ones where the person I lost was genuinely amazing. Just because we broke up or she left doesn't all of a sudden make her a bad person.

 

I'll be very honest with you, if you're like me who lost a truly valuable person in terms of qualities(looks, nature, height, weight, eating habits etc) then you'll probably end up settling with a lower quality mate because after a certain point loneliness is truly unbearable.

 

You only get one or two shots in your life at a truly high quality mate. Some don't even get that and if you don't grab the opportunity with both hands then you'll have to settle for someone less and keep telling yourself how you're better off with this new person when in actuality you're probably just coping.

 

I think after a certain age you're looking for just companionship. Your focus switches in a more forced way which is a pity because for the lucky ones the focus switches from romance and love and sex to companionship within the same relationship. I believe a person must experience every stage of life otherwise if you miss a certain part(let's say you missed the teenage romance) then that starts spilling over into your other part of life and you overcompensate and making stupid decisions.

 

Not every runway model is shallow, maybe you're just ugly and uninteresting after a point so she dumps your ass for a more interesting person doesn't make her a bitch. That also doesn't mean you shouldn't date one. If you don't experience the wholeness of a woman(her beauty, her nature) then what for are we living? Just make money, eat and sleep?

Edited August 13, 2018 by hope86

[MountainGirl111]

 

But how can you start dating when you feel like your best wasn't good enough for somebody you really loved? Somebody who had, at first, admired so much about you that they seemed to really love you in return.

 

The fact that somebody felt that way about you once is evidence that it is possible for you to be loved, .

.

 

Your best WAS good enough at one time with your ex. People break up for various reasons. Just because things changed in your former relationship doesn't mean you were a failure; not at all. I don't know why you and her broke up or what led to it. Sometimes people fall out of love or people change or something happens that leads to the break up. Yes, it's obviously possible for you to be loved....that is the glass half full version of things.

[preraph]

Not everyone takes a self-esteem hit from a breakup. That's a self-esteem problem that was already existent. I don't know how severe it is or whether it needs help or just some time, though. People who feel that a partner builds them up will feel like their partner took their self-worth with them when they left and these are the people who can't accept it and just move on. Your self-esteem should still be intact after a breakup. You should be able to say, Well, we're both okay people, but we just didn't fire on all cylinders as a couple, so this was inevitable, and walk away with yourself whole but just sad.

 

It has nothing to do with "good enough." It just has to do with whether your two separate perfectly fine selves meshed well. Has nothing to do with the next woman, unless after a few breakups, you keep getting told the same thing over and over, such as "too controlling" or "don't listen" in which case, take notes and work on it.