Knowing when to stop a good thing

[dream of me]

This may be a bit of an unusual thread. In a few words, is it better to end something that may not be viable when it's still amazing? Or continue until it makes you miserable and have another sad story in your memory?

 

 

 

 

More information for whoever feels like reading.

 

We met right before his move to another country... We kissed right before he left. Kept in touch with texts here and there, mostly me reaching out. I'm not the kind of person to hide when I'm fond of someone.

 

So I went to visit him and it was amazing. He confessed that he truly likes me but this is not viable for long term because of distance. I then told him that good stories aren't always long. I meant it. I thought to myself that this is going to be a sweet summer weekend and nothing more... I felt at peace with the idea and a little bit relieved because distance is a burden - I know it really well.

 

But then he wouldn't stop pulling me and holding me tight on himself when we were in bed. Before, during, after.... It killed me. Honestly killed me. I haven't got this much warm possessive affection in... forever.

 

We went out to explore his city several times during the weekend and I was cautious about PDA. Thinking that he may not want to be seen with a fling by people he knows. But anyway, he grabbed my hand and also put his arm around me as if we were a couple.

 

When the weekend ended he didn't want me to go and he wished that my trip would be cancelled so I would stay with him more. Asked me when I will go see him again.

 

And I booked another ticket... In the meanwhile, I'm again preparing myself to end this after the weekend is over. Now that things are still good... Right before I start daydreaming about us living together and wondering if our kids will have his eyes or his smile. And before I realise that he is perfectly capable of breaking my heart.

[Normm]

You live in separate countries with no chance of this situation changing any time in the foreseeable future and as it stands you probably won't see each other more than a couple of times per year at best, is that about right?

 

 

If so, yes end it. Not because it's great but because it simply isn't practical. Unless you live in a bubble there's others just like him, just as good, maybe better that you can see a heck of a lot more often and really build something with.

[MountainGirl111]

Long distance relationships are faced with a huge challenge; especially if you live in different countries. He knew he was leaving, moving far away and yet he got just close enough to you and you kissed and poof, he's gone. You traveled to visit with him, had a great time, etc. Then, it's over and your real life goes on. Now you're going to go see him again. When is he going to come and see you? Is there a hope that he will move back to your country some day so the two of you can actually spend more time together? I would think this would be very frustrating for you not to mention expensive?

[dream of me]

It's a couple hours flight and I think we could meet once a month at least. If we were both invested...

 

When we were out drinking we were talking about life and he said he would like to be able to take more risks and not think twice about some things. I stupidly didn't ask more about it but in retrospect I'm thinking he may have signposted that he really wants to but is not comfortable with uncertainty and that he's realistic by nature. On the other hand I was never practical in this kind of thing.

[dream of me]

Long distance relationships are faced with a huge challenge; especially if you live in different countries. He knew he was leaving, moving far away and yet he got just close enough to you and you kissed and poof, he's gone. You traveled to visit with him, had a great time, etc. Then, it's over and your real life goes on. Now you're going to go see him again. When is he going to come and see you? Is there a hope that he will move back to your country some day so the two of you can actually spend more time together? I would think this would be very frustrating for you not to mention expensive?

 

You are quite right... I can't go see him a third time anyway, due to $ and due to having put an internal limit already. So it would depend on him. I'm going to see him knowing it may be the last time.

 

I don't think he would move back, but when we first met he asked me if I consider leaving the country and I said 'no, I'm fine here'. But then again, I wasn't into him yet. If he asked me now, I'd say 'it's possible'.

[preraph]

I think one thing you have to find out is if it's only impossible because of the distance or if it's impossible because of his or your religion or culture (arranged marriage, strict parents, racial divide, etc.) I mean, if it's just the distance, and you wanted him bad enough, you could try to see each other some and then quit your own job and give it all up to be with him. It's not usually a great idea, and don't do it unless you're convinced after two years that it's the real deal.

 

Most places will let you in if you marry the person, give you citizenship. So what countries are we talking about? Is it overseas or just on the other side of a continent?

[dream of me]

I think one thing you have to find out is if it's only impossible because of the distance or if it's impossible because of his or your religion or culture (arranged marriage, strict parents, racial divide, etc.) I mean, if it's just the distance, and you wanted him bad enough, you could try to see each other some and then quit your own job and give it all up to be with him. It's not usually a great idea, and don't do it unless you're convinced after two years that it's the real deal.

 

Most places will let you in if you marry the person, give you citizenship. So what countries are we talking about? Is it overseas or just on the other side of a continent?

 

It's definitely not a cultural issue as none of us is religious and our backgrounds are not conservative. It's the distance of about 700 miles (EU) and an inconvenient timing. He wasn't happy with his life before he moved. Then he landed a dream job in another country and we met when he was tying loose ends and packing.

 

It's a leap of faith and I kind of understand him. We've talked about what we want out of life and he wants to settle down, have a family. I want the same thing. So a LDR may be too much of a gamble. We are exclusive, even for short term, but still...

 

If we continued seeing each other and things went well I would definitely move closer. At first do what I can to work remotely with my base in my current country, in case we change our mind. Then see if I can find something local... Maybe it's too early to think about these things but doesn't hurt to.

[dream of me]

Some hours ago he said that life feels good. Because of his new job and because of me. Sigh.

[coolheadal]

Some hours ago he said that life feels good. Because of his new job and because of me. Sigh.

 

You two seem to have your act together my child, so you know it's working out great. He told you so! Enjoy your life together what you have only comes around once, twice in a life cycle. Smiles on this end!

[smackie9]

I say go for it. If he wants you to move there, then he can pay for it until you get settled. Just sock away some money just in case it doesn't work out. People do it all the time, so what's really stopping you?

[preraph]

If you can both afford it, keep visiting each other and don't just throw your life and career away with someone. It takes forever to really know someone, you know. And not just via internet. You have to be around them enough to see what they're like when they're ill and when you're ill, see if there is empathy, have to see them when their car breaks down or their electricity goes out and see how their coping skills are or if they blow up and get ugly. You have to not be just nice and go along with everything when you do see him or you'll never see what he's like or him you. So make that time count. Don't compromise on everything so you can see how he is when he is told no or I'd rather not, or can we do this instead. Because that's inevitable, and that's when people show their true colors, when they're disagreed with. So do not paint him a rosy picture. Stand up for yourself, make your wishes known, tell him what you want to do or what bothers you (like if he's a slob or doesn't get you off and is selfish)whatever it is. And let him see your true self. if you don't, you'll be the one disrupting your entire life and then within two months, you'll be like, What did I do. So be genuine and don't be a doormat and find out if you're really compatible.

 

Remember, nearly all guys are nice when all you're doing is giving them affection. Nearly all guys are sweet during sex.

 

He sounds nice, but you have a long way to find out for sure how deep it runs. Good luck!

[Elpida.]

I'm in with the optimistic crowd here. You've met someone you really care about and connect with and who is just as crazy about you as you are about him. That's rare to find in my opinion and a good spark doesn't just go out because of distance.

 

You could be temporarily LDR with the view for one of you to move later. (Perhaps it's a good idea to wait until you feel that you've really gotten to know each other until you make the move and potentially impact your career/home life for someone else?) Temporary LDR gives you something to look forward to and if you know it's not going to be LDR in the long term, it's not so difficult!

[dream of me]

Morning all,

 

I really appreciate all the angles I've read. Both optimistic and cautious. I'm usually optimistic but life has taught me that I should use that head of mine more often... And I'm very aware that even if I want this right now, it may not happen. Or I may find out it doesn't fulfil my emotional needs. Especially when it depends on how he thinks and feels, on how treats me in the long run, how much effort he makes. And I won't hide that the reality of it makes me a bit terrified, it's a big commitment and responsibility it will be hard to keep things light and I'm afraid it'll suck all the fun out of it. And what if I end up wasting his time? Or mine?

 

I'm definitely ready to end this.. and at the same time I'm willing to give it a shot with a question mark. I don't think we'll avoid the discussion above.

Edited August 12, 2018 by dream of me

[carhill]

If he's yet to visit you since things went LDR, then end it today. Actions.

[OatsAndHall]

Talk to him, set up a visitation schedule and see where it goes. Traveling doesn't have to be that expensive if you're planning ahead and reserving plane tickets early. And, you don't have to spring for a hotel room or rent a car as you both have a "base of operations". Yes, it is a risk as you're still barely into the honeymoon phase but I'd throw caution to the wind just go for it. At the very least, you'll walk away with some amazing memories. And, you also won't have the regrets as you'll know that you tried to make something great work.

 

 

When I was in college, I met an incredible woman who decided to move three hours away. She asked me if I wanted to jump into a long-distance relationship and I scoffed at the thought because I was young and stupid. Looking back, it was a HUGE mistake and I can almost unequivocally say that she was the "one that got away". To make matter worse, she tried to rekindle things as soon as she moved by sending me a copy of a movie we watched together all of the time. Again, I was young and didn't see what a great thing I could have had. To this day, the our dates were some of the best we went on.

[dream of me]

If he's yet to visit you since things went LDR, then end it today. Actions.

 

He moved there just 3 weeks ago - and to be honest it's too early to be official. We have talked about exclusivity though.

 

Talk to him, set up a visitation schedule and see where it goes. Traveling doesn't have to be that expensive if you're planning ahead and reserving plane tickets early. And, you don't have to spring for a hotel room or rent a car as you both have a "base of operations". Yes, it is a risk as you're still barely into the honeymoon phase but I'd throw caution to the wind just go for it. At the very least, you'll walk away with some amazing memories. And, you also won't have the regrets as you'll know that you tried to make something great work.

 

 

When I was in college, I met an incredible woman who decided to move three hours away. She asked me if I wanted to jump into a long-distance relationship and I scoffed at the thought because I was young and stupid. Looking back, it was a HUGE mistake and I can almost unequivocally say that she was the "one that got away". To make matter worse, she tried to rekindle things as soon as she moved by sending me a copy of a movie we watched together all of the time. Again, I was young and didn't see what a great thing I could have had. To this day, the our dates were some of the best we went on.

 

That makes me feel a bit sad. Can you resume the romance now?

[OatsAndHall]

That makes me feel a bit sad. Can you resume the romance now?

 

Nope, she married and had kiddos. I'm quite happy for her as she is doing well, married a great guy and started a family. I obviously can't say if her and I would've ended up the same way but I regret not at least giving it a shot. But, I was in my early twenties years and quite immature.

 

 

The moral of the story stands; I'd give it a shot and see if things go some where. Again, at least you'll know. It's easy to get wrapped in thoughts of the future without looking at we have right in front of us. I know the money is a concern but that is something you can make work.

[dream of me]

Nope, she married and had kiddos. I'm quite happy for her as she is doing well, married a great guy and started a family. I obviously can't say if her and I would've ended up the same way but I regret not at least giving it a shot. But, I was in my early twenties years and quite immature.

 

 

The moral of the story stands; I'd give it a shot and see if things go some where. Again, at least you'll know. It's easy to get wrapped in thoughts of the future without looking at we have right in front of us. I know the money is a concern but that is something you can make work.

 

Aw, I see. There is such a thing as bad timing. It's not only the external factors but our internal circumstances. Thanks for sharing your story, I really appreciate it.

[dream of me]

So, some time ago I told him about a place I really want to visit in his country. And he booked a mini getaway while I'll be visiting. I just melted....

 

At some other point I was sad because of something... And he tried to be gentle, to make me feel better. And then he said 'i love you'. I was both terrified and in bliss. Terrified because it's soon, in bliss because it was a really kind, sweet thing to say....