Author riverdeep33 Posted August 15, 2018 Author Posted August 15, 2018 It took me 3 weeks into NC to unfriend and unfollow. I noticed I was looking at her profile too much to see if and when she updated and whether or not she added people. It blocked my healing process. Idk if you have the same, but if you do: the sooner you unfriend and unfollow, the better. I eventually though: she has my number if she wants to reach out. Now I have to focus on me. It's been a week since I did that and it feels a lot better. This also shows her I am posting for me, and not to get a reaction from her. Thanks for your advice. It’s tricky. He has gone total radio silence too so I know this is more a decision for me than him. He cannot be hurting as much as me, otherwise he would be in contact. I NEED to realise and accept that and I am struggling to. Removing from social media may help, but a big part of me thinks what if I’m not ready... it’s the last link.
Zahara Posted August 15, 2018 Posted August 15, 2018 Thanks for your advice. It’s tricky. He has gone total radio silence too so I know this is more a decision for me than him. He cannot be hurting as much as me, otherwise he would be in contact. I NEED to realise and accept that and I am struggling to. Removing from social media may help, but a big part of me thinks what if I’m not ready... it’s the last link. The last link? Removing him from social media helps you to self-preserve. It allows you to focus on your life and moving forward. It protects you from further hurt and pain and avoids the possibility of triggers i.e. seeing him with someone else, removing pictures, liking a girl's picture/post -- when you are hurting you are hyper-vigilant to these things and when you do come across something that doesn't sit well, you fall down a rabbit hole and your healing is derailed. Social media is just a window. If this man wants to be with you, he knows how to contact you. 1
preraph Posted August 15, 2018 Posted August 15, 2018 Do it like a separation and tell him. Set a time limit for him to decide what he wants to do. Both of you agree that once the deadline has passed, you're both moving on. Agree not to just keep doing what you're doing. Don't just casually see him. Treat it like a divorce type separation, where you both have three months or whatever of separation to see how you both feel and then talk at the end of the time and decide either to try or to move on. Good luck.
CantTakeMySmile Posted August 17, 2018 Posted August 17, 2018 Thanks for your advice. It’s tricky. He has gone total radio silence too so I know this is more a decision for me than him. He cannot be hurting as much as me, otherwise he would be in contact. I NEED to realise and accept that and I am struggling to. Removing from social media may help, but a big part of me thinks what if I’m not ready... it’s the last link. Last link for what?
Author riverdeep33 Posted August 17, 2018 Author Posted August 17, 2018 My last link / connection to him. Now I feel utterly lost, distraught with pain. I received an email from my ex saying as I wasn't home, he has left my stuff and posted the key back through; and wishes me all the best and sorry for hurting me. I was out but I followed it up with a very polite non-reactive message of "thanks, and for what it's worth, I am sorry for what I have done, I am prepared to work through this if it is something you decide you want to do, but I respect your decision and wish you the best." He replied with a "yeah we can chat later." So I called him a few hours ago and it was the hardest phone call I have ever had. We chatted about nothing, he called me by our romantic pet names etc and then we decided to talk it out. I was absolutely not desperate or begging; I was just a matter of fact, about how this is a shame and if he feels the same, surely we can work this out. In short... - He loves me and wants to be with me, but something is telling him not to; and keep his barriers up. - There isn't anyone else and he has no intention of being with anyone else. - He agrees that what we have together is amazing but whilst he feels like he needs to work on himself; he can't keep hurting me by making me hang on and wait for what-if's. He said he would happily be friends whilst he works on himself but understands if I can't do that. I said no to that and he understood. I asked him to be absolutely blunt and tell me if there is something going on here that he is just not telling me, because I need some reason why this has ended and I feel like he is holding something back and giving me polite reasons. He said there wasn't and he just needs time to focus on him. I advised I needed to remove him from social media, cease contact and that if he feels I am worth fighting for, then he has my number. We ended the conversation; both in tears but saying goodbye. I know everyone's response is going to be - time to move on etc etc, but this is killing me. I am struggling to understand how someone can feel like that but be willing to let go. I can't wait for him, but equally knowing the above, I feel like I can't move on either. It is really distressing; I feel utterly tormented by the pain. How can I get through this torture. I feel like I am heading into a breakdown.
Zahara Posted August 17, 2018 Posted August 17, 2018 I know everyone's response is going to be - time to move on etc etc, but this is killing me. I am struggling to understand how someone can feel like that but be willing to let go. I can't wait for him, but equally knowing the above, I feel like I can't move on either. It is really distressing; I feel utterly tormented by the pain. How can I get through this torture. I feel like I am heading into a breakdown. Love isn't enough. There are so many other factors that holds a relationship together. He may love you and still care for you but the dynamic in your relationship changed, therefore he has made the decision to move on from what has not been working for him. I'm sorry you are in pain. You're going to feel immobilized for awhile as you are grieving. You are going to be in pain and you must lean on your friends or family to help you through this. Stay NC with him. Self-soothe and be kind to yourself. 4
BC1980 Posted August 17, 2018 Posted August 17, 2018 Like Zahara said, love isn't always enough to make a relationship work. He can love you but not trust you, which I think is what is happening. I think the relationship was damaged too much from the year you spent avoiding him and being distant. 1
Author riverdeep33 Posted August 20, 2018 Author Posted August 20, 2018 Well, You were all right. Despite him saying he just needs space, loves me, wants me and isn’t dating or putting himself out there; a friend noticed him online looking for a relationship with someone special! Looks like he’s been on there a while. Just feel totally lied to. I wish he was more honest. What a waste of 4 months of fighting for someone. I could have been through this process by now. I feel so used! Time to accept this. 1
Zahara Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 Well, You were all right. Despite him saying he just needs space, loves me, wants me and isn’t dating or putting himself out there; a friend noticed him online looking for a relationship with someone special! Looks like he’s been on there a while. Just feel totally lied to. I wish he was more honest. What a waste of 4 months of fighting for someone. I could have been through this process by now. I feel so used! Time to accept this. This is a blessing to you and while you do not see it now, this is going to help kickstart your healing and moving on. There are no more doubts. I would suggest you remain NC and remove him from any possible way of triggering you. And tell your friend to refrain from giving you more information. This is all you need to know. 2
Author riverdeep33 Posted August 20, 2018 Author Posted August 20, 2018 This is a blessing to you and while you do not see it now, this is going to help kickstart your healing and moving on. There are no more doubts. I would suggest you remain NC and remove him from any possible way of triggering you. And tell your friend to refrain from giving you more information. This is all you need to know. I agree. I haven’t cried. I just feel so numb. Used. Like it was all lies when we spoke the other day. Maybe he was protecting my feelings but I’d rather he didn’t. What a waste of 4 months of fighting.
CantTakeMySmile Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 I believe you already knew this by the way you were asking him that you felt like there was something more or someone else. It is a blessing now that you know. You would have wanted him to be more forthright I am sure, but we can't control how others feel they should handle this delicate matters. It does sound like he lied to you or at least not told you the whole story. But, that is on him. You are free from all that now. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 I agree. I haven’t cried. I just feel so numb. Used. Like it was all lies when we spoke the other day. Maybe he was protecting my feelings but I’d rather he didn’t. What a waste of 4 months of fighting. I think that's likely the case, however misguided it may have been. He didn't know how to come and tell you he wants to date others. In the future, remember that fighting for someone doesn't work when the other party isn't fighting along with you. At least now you know, though I know it's not much consolation right now. You can finally move towards the next chapter of your life without worrying about him. 1
Author riverdeep33 Posted August 20, 2018 Author Posted August 20, 2018 Yeah you are right. It’s how he was on the phone - using our pet names etc; being romantic... Just so messed up to be like that knowing how i feel. If he was emotionally distant then I’d say it’s all been my overreaction but he hasn’t; if anything he’s been more close! It’s done and now I need strategies to cope and move on. I must focus on that. Thanks for your help and guidance.
BC1980 Posted August 21, 2018 Posted August 21, 2018 Yeah you are right. It’s how he was on the phone - using our pet names etc; being romantic... Just so messed up to be like that knowing how i feel. If he was emotionally distant then I’d say it’s all been my overreaction but he hasn’t; if anything he’s been more close! It’s done and now I need strategies to cope and move on. I must focus on that. Thanks for your help and guidance. Using pet names is probably just second nature to him. It's probably subconscious. It's difficult to just shut your emotions off and completely change how you speak to someone. That's all it is. But I understand how his words can cause confusion and hurt. Staying NC is a good way to avoid this kind of stuff, so I'd suggest starting with that. 1
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