Sweet&Sensitive Posted September 4, 2005 Posted September 4, 2005 I know this is a long one but it's really important. Please help me!!! I have known this guy for a while now, but have really gotten to know him since April and I have fallen head over heels for him. When we first really got to know each other, we had "fun" one night and I thought things were going to be great from there on out. The next day he called me and told me he felt bad because he felt like he used me. I told him that it was okay and that I still wanted to be friends with him and he was happy about that. Well, after talking to each other all the time we started having really hot conversations online and he finally suggested a friends with benefits relationship. I should have said no, but I just wanted to be with him so I agreed. I went to his apartment and we had fun and his whole attitude towards me was surprising. He was all romantic and cuddly, hugging me and placing little kisses all over my face and neck and it was amazing. So I left there confused. After that it was several days before I talked to him again. Then last saturday we did it again. This time he was even more attentive and affectionate and I spent the night in his arms. At one point he thought I was cold so he pulled the covers over me and started rubbing my leg to warm me up. Now, I'm no expert but this doesn't sound like friends with benefits to me. I always pictured FWB as a "wham bam, thank you mam" situation. My experience couldn't be farther from that. In his past he has never had a real relationship with any girl that has lasted more than a month or two. He's usually the one who ends it. He finds things wrong with them; one he even called crazy. In between these evenings we have, he meets other girls and dates them, dumps them, then comes back to me. I know I shouldn't take him back but I feel so strongly for him I always give in. His parents are divorced and he has told me before that he's afraid of being hurt, but that he wants a real relationship with someone. He and I are incredibly compatible, and he knows this very well. He has the opportunity in front of him but won't take it. He told me that the reason we couldn't date was because I was too good a friend and he never wanted to hurt me and he didn't want me to hate him. I accepted that, and yet he is constantly contradicting himself. My best friend knows him really well and can always tell what he is thinking and feeling so I often ask her what's going on with him. Even she can't figure this one out. Her thoughts are though, that he really likes me a lot, more than any other girl he's met and it scares him to death. He seems a little put off whenever I hang with other guys or date other guys as well. I am tired of feeling so hurt and confused, and I try so hard to get over him and meet other people but I can't get him out of my mind. I can't talk to him about it either because he's the flighty type and it would scare him off. My friend says to give him time to think it over and figure out his feelings but I'm not so sure there are any there. She just scoffs and says I'm crazy, that she has never seen him so happy before as when I'm around him. I need help figuring out if I mean more to him than he's letting on, or that he's just using me for sexual favors. It doesn't seem that way to me, but then I don't know anything anymore. Please help me. If anyone's been in this situation before please tell me how you handled it.
DawgyLama Posted September 4, 2005 Posted September 4, 2005 "He's Just Not That Into You". He's into you but not THAT into you and you deserve better. It's OK to have a FWB or FB realtionship if that is what you both truly want but form what you've said it seems you want more. Don't waste pretty on him.
DawgyLama Posted September 4, 2005 Posted September 4, 2005 "He's Just Not That Into You". He's into you but not THAT into you and you deserve better. It's OK to have a FWB or FB realtionship if that is what you both truly want but from what you've said it seems you want more. Don't waste pretty on him.
Author Sweet&Sensitive Posted September 4, 2005 Author Posted September 4, 2005 Normally I would think that, but whenever we're together it's like we've been together forever. He kisses me with such passion that I melt. He knows my body so well and knows exactly what I like and want. He pays attention to my needs. I know I'm sticking up for him, but whenever I'm with him I feel like I belong. It's almost like he feels that way too, I can sense it. That may be what scares him so much. He isn't used to feeling like that. You're right though, I do deserve better. But I feel like I deserve him. He is an amazing guy. He's not a player, he's sweet and polite and funny. It's stupid to believe in soul mates, but it's possible that he could be mine.
Kengne Posted September 5, 2005 Posted September 5, 2005 Lemme get this straight: So bcuz he pulled the covers up over you and rubbed your leg, you seem to think this has taken you beyond the FWB level? Or was it when he was being 'attentive and affectionate' ? You seem to have violated the no 1 rule of FWB - NEVER ASSUME that things are more than what they are! This man clearly stated to you he wanted a FWB rel'ship. Now that your feelings have escalated, you would like to believe that his might have as well? From what you've told us here I can't flat out say YES, but I can't say NO either. I think the best thing to do is what your friend said -> let him figure out things on his own! Who knows? His feelings towards you may very well have changed, but IMHO I think you're reading a tad too much into his innocuous actions. If you really wanna know how he feels -> JUST ASK HIM! Regardless of how flighty you say he is, I'm sure he'll be as upfront with you as he was when he said he wanted a FWB rel'ship! I think that maybe you're afraid to hear an answer you don't want to hear -> that he's NOT feeling you like that. Stop making excuses for him and saying "oh he's scared" or "oh he's been hurt". C'mon -> we've all been scared and/or hurt in our lives. If you ask him how he feels, and he says he DOES like you but is scared or hurt to pursue you... then u take that info and act accordingly! I.e. continue with the FWB on his terms, or move on! Good luck! K.
DawgyLama Posted September 5, 2005 Posted September 5, 2005 Normally I would think that, but whenever we're together it's like we've been together forever. He kisses me with such passion that I melt. He knows my body so well and knows exactly what I like and want. He pays attention to my needs. I know I'm sticking up for him, but whenever I'm with him I feel like I belong. It's almost like he feels that way too, I can sense it. That may be what scares him so much. He isn't used to feeling like that. You're right though, I do deserve better. But I feel like I deserve him. He is an amazing guy. He's not a player, he's sweet and polite and funny. It's stupid to believe in soul mates, but it's possible that he could be mine. I know what you mean I''ve been there before (not that long ago) and I'm telling you that he's not THAT into you otherwise tou wouldn't be asking these questions and making excuses. It's not a long read but it sure explains a lot.
RedThorn Posted September 5, 2005 Posted September 5, 2005 Now an answer from a man perspective. I can totally identify myself with him, so hope it helps. If it was me having the same behaviour it would mean that I like you and enjoy your company but do not find you 100% attractive. You still mean a lot to him, but the guy is looking around to see if he meets someone better. Now you could: 1) Not accept it and stop seeing him 2) Be smart and SEDUCE him! Girls often just don't get that we like to be seduced. Make him wait, give him a hard time (not too much) and then do something special for him. Invite him to have dinner at your place. Treat him to oil massage... in this way he might see that you have a lot to offer and that he needs to search no longer. It's up to you, be ready to fight.
Author Sweet&Sensitive Posted September 5, 2005 Author Posted September 5, 2005 Thank you Red Thorn. I was looking for a male perspective. What you said makes complete sense considering his behavior. I suppose I'll try to seduce him and if that doesn't work, I'm cutting him loose, friendship and all.
RedThorn Posted September 5, 2005 Posted September 5, 2005 You are so welcome! I think you have the right attitude now: good luck!
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