Ball is in her court for reconciliation but should I cave first?

[blackbird_brokenwing]

A girl I'm sort of dating and I had a really stupid argument. I told her we should talk about it on the phone (we are long distance) instead of over text because the whole argument pretty much stemmed from a misunderstanding due to autocorrect over text. She responded that she would be really busy for the next few days but could maybe squeeze me in, if her friends weren't home. Considering she's always messaging me first and teasing me about how busy *I* am, I could tell this was an intentional blow off, so I responded with "well I'm actually really busy too, I have three events in the next two days. Just so you know." And now neither of us have spoken in 6 days.

 

I feel like the ball is in her court because I am the one who said we should talk on the phone (something she is always asking me to do) and before that I had apologized and said I would be very sad to lose her in my life and she is very valuable to me (to be honest, she has been the one all over me for the past few months and I have been a little hesitant to put it all out there, but her behavior up until the day before all this went down definitely indicated she was very interested in me). Soooo I was vulnerable and told her I was sorry et al and we should talk on the phone, but then we both flung a little "oh I'm not bothered/I have too many friends to have time for you" BS and now here we are, six days later.

 

 

Am I wrong to think it's her turn to reach out? And regardless, should I say something? It's definitely bothering me. If I know her at all from the 2 years we've known each other, it's really upsetting her, but she's always been good at reaching out first. What should I do?

 

 

*P.S. We're both girls. Just FYI*

Edited August 9, 2018 by blackbird_brokenwing
adding a PS

[ExpatInItaly]

What exactly was this argument about?

 

It descended into a petty, "Well if you're busy, then I am too! So there!"-style spat, which was unnecessary. However, this and an argument stemming from an autocorrect does say something about the way you communicate with each other. It's not the most clear and mature.

 

I am curious what you mean by "sort of dating", though. What is your relationship to her?

[blackbird_brokenwing]

What exactly was this argument about?

 

It descended into a petty, "Well if you're busy, then I am too! So there!"-style spat, which was unnecessary. However, this and an argument stemming from an autocorrect does say something about the way you communicate with each other. It's not the most clear and mature.

 

I am curious what you mean by "sort of dating", though. What is your relationship to her?

I am real good at writing novels for my posts here, so I was trying to be as concise as possible, hahah!

 

 

I misunderstood a comment she made on my Facebook (partly because she's French and English is not her first language and partly because her autocorrect made it sound like she was chastising me/telling me what I should have done differently - it's amazing how the word "some" and "done" exchanged can totally change the meaning of a sentence) and we had a very small spat. But two days later, when I wasn't even thinking about that at all, she messaged me that she "had a family member die and would love to talk to me about it but can't because of f**king autocorrect!"

 

 

I was skeeved because it was insulting to me that she would think I would be so petty as to not care about her deceased family member because we'd had a 2-day old spat. I told her that of course I'd be available to talk for something that serious. Deep down I suspected the deceased family member either didn't exist at all or was someone distant that didn't really upset her and she was just looking for a way to make me feel guilty for not saying anything for a couple days. She wouldn't let it go and said "well you should have said something in the last couple of days then," it escalated. After numerous texts back and forth with zero mention of this supposed family member and just petty arguing with me, I eventually told her I thought it was a ploy to mention this family member (that she never did specify WHO it was) to guilt trip me/start a conversation, and I didn't appreciate what I perceived was manipulation. She denied it and all and didn't seem to want to let go that I hadn't reached out in 2 days, and then said "I'll just wait for you to be the person I've been talking to for two years." That really angered me because it felt condescending, like I'm the only one being totally irrational. So I told her I don't want to deal with that so we can stop whatever it is we're starting if she's going to be like that.

 

 

Then a few hours later (before she'd even seen it, which I know because she doesn't have a data plan and only uses her phone on wifi and my messages hadn't switched to "delivered" yet) I said I didn't mean that and valued her, wanted her in my life, etc (what I said in the first post).

 

 

Then it carried on from there.

 

 

We are only "sort of dating" because of the distance. I went through an awful, heart wrenching break up a little over 2.5 years ago, and I saw her go through a very similar one about six months after me. We'd known each other from the same circles before all this, and I watched her ex treat her like garbage (much like my ex) so I reached out and we became a lot closer because I was trying to be there for her, and help her through the breakup, having just gone through one myself. She is French Canadian and had immigrated to be with her then partner, but has since moved back to Quebec after their break up, hence the distance. She has plane tickets to come visit me for 4 days in less than 3 weeks, and we were going to really figure out our relationship then. I don't even know if she is still coming now.

Edited August 9, 2018 by blackbird_brokenwing

[ExpatInItaly]

And what was it she wrote on Facebook that you misinterpreted, and how did you approach her about it?

 

I ask because it appears she does not communicate maturely or clearly, but I would be interested to know how you brought this to her attention when you first thought she was criticizing you online. There is a lot of passive aggressiveness all around here.

 

But really, this all sounds messy, particularly when you factor in the distance. Why bother trying to continue with someone you even suspect would be capable of lying about a relative dying? That says a lot about what you think of her, no?

 

For context, how old are you both?

[blackbird_brokenwing]

And what was it she wrote on Facebook that you misinterpreted, and how did you approach her about it?

 

I ask because it appears she does not communicate maturely or clearly, but I would be interested to know how you brought this to her attention when you first thought she was criticizing you online. There is a lot of passive aggressiveness all around here.

 

But really, this all sounds messy, particularly when you factor in the distance. Why bother trying to continue with someone you even suspect would be capable of lying about a relative dying? That says a lot about what you think of her, no?

 

For context, how old are you both?

 

 

That's such a long story, hahah. I had a mouse in my house and I was freaking out and I posted on Facebook that I'd set a trap, and wanted reassurance it would work. I had no idea the barrage of criticism I'd get from IRL friends and family shaming me for wanting to kill it and not catch and release it. She said "you should have done these catch and release traps BEFORE you have a visitor." She meant you should have "SOME" of the catch and release traps before I get ANOTHER mouse, meaning I should have them on hand for the future. I thought she was being like so many others on my post and shaming me for opting to kill it.

 

 

I brought it to her attention by responding directly on Facebook. I do regret this, I just felt attacked from all angles. But I said "thanks for shaming me like everyone else. *eye roll emoji*" She messaged me and said "are you serious about me shaming you?" I said yes, she said "it was autocorrect, I didn't mean that!" and I simply responded with "okay." And we left it at my "okay" for two days before the family member thing.

 

 

You make a good point about why would I want to continue with someone who might be lying... I guess in truth I don't think she totally fabricated it, I am guessing someone did actually pass. But she wanted to make it seem like more of an issue to her because she didn't know how else to reach out. She's pretty timid and typically non-confrontational. Assuming this is the reality (and not that she completely made it up), I cut her some slack because I've done similar things in the past... afraid to approach someone I really like with the truth, that I just want to talk, so I come up with some reason as to why I want to talk. It's lame, and probably transparent, but I can't be too hard on her for that since I've done it.

 

 

You probably won't suspect this - but I am 29 and she is 38.

[ExpatInItaly]

Dear me. You are both too old for this nonsense.

 

The way you handled the initial argument was silly. She explained it was an autocorrect and all you said was "okay." I wouldn't respond to that any further either. What did you want her to say? I would have assumed you didn't want to talk to me.

 

However, to fire that back as ammunition when she informed you that a family member had died was also petty and baiting for an argument. I would not have accused her of lying about the death, though. That was really not cool of you. I don't think it's about you cutting her slack on that one; I would think it's the other way around, with her questioning how you could accuse her of using a death as a ploy to manipulate you. If you assume she was telling the truth about the passing, what on earth were you thinking, girl?

 

I would drop this altogether. Anything long-distance requires much better communication and clarity, and you are not even dating yet. Imagine when a serious issue does arise - I can't imagine how you and she would ever resolve it.

Edited August 9, 2018 by ExpatInItaly

[blackbird_brokenwing]

Dear me. You are both too old for this nonsense.

 

The way you handled the initial argument was silly. She explained it was an autocorrect and all you said was "okay." I wouldn't respond to that any further either. What did you want her to say? I would have assumed you didn't want to talk to me.

 

However, to fire that back as ammunition when she informed you that a family member had died was also petty and baiting for an argument.

 

I would drop this altogether. Anything long-distance requires much better communication and clarity, and you are not even dating yet. Imagine when a serious issue does arise - how on earth will you two sort that out?

You're right, I should have said more at first after she said it was autocorrect. But I guess I was still reeling from the onslaught of other comments (it seriously turned into a sh*tshow from people who I personally know and claim to love and care for me) and I was a little salty that she hadn't defended me (even in private), so wasn't feeling very talkative at that moment and wanted to until I could calm myself down.

 

 

 

We are both too old for this, yes. But we have had two years of great conversation and friendship behind us, I don't want to throw that away over this. So I guess to bring it back to my original question - should I reach out to her then and say again that I'd like to talk it out on the phone? Or at least for me to apologize on the phone?

[blackbird_brokenwing]

I would not have accused her of lying about the death, though. That was really not cool of you. I don't think it's about you cutting her slack on that one; I would think it's the other way around, with her questioning how you could accuse her of using a death as a ploy to manipulate you. If you assume she was telling the truth about the passing, what on earth were you thinking, girl?

I probably wasn't [thinking]. But in my defense, I waited until she'd responded back to me numerous times harping on the autocorrect issue which I thought was long over, meanwhile never bringing up her relative again, so that's when I said I suspected that was a ploy. I probably shouldn't have said that until I had more information, even if that's the truth, but I felt she was probably using "Great Aunt Tilly Who I've Met 3x In My Life" as an excuse to make me feel bad for not saying anything more. I can see that it probably came across as quite cold of me though...

[ExpatInItaly]

We are both too old for this, yes. But we have had two years of great conversation and friendship behind us, I don't want to throw that away over this. So I guess to bring it back to my original question - should I reach out to her then and say again that I'd like to talk it out on the phone? Or at least for me to apologize on the phone?

 

No, you've already said this. She said she would see if she could squeeze you in. There is no need to ask again.

[blackbird_brokenwing]

No, you've already said this. She said she would see if she could squeeze you in. There is no need to ask again.

Well that was said last Friday morning, and she said "the next few days are insanely busy." So she meant the weekend, but now it's Thursday and neither of us have said anything. I assumed she'd message me when the weekend was over. But now I feel that since I clapped back saying I was also busy, that we are both just being stubborn about who is going to say something first and we aren't actually busy anymore.

[d0nnivain]

You are engaging in power play. If YOU want to fix this, you call her. If you don't, you may never hear from her again.

[MountainGirl111]

Good communication is essential for any relationship to be healthy; whether it's a work relationship, family members, or a BF/GF. When the relationship is long distance that's even more critical, I would think. So, if there is an argument or a misunderstanding...how you both handle it is equally important. There are going to be arguments and misunderstandings. Are either of you patient and mature enough to get it settled....or are you too worried about how the other will perceive and react to the other? Try to be honest and forthright in all your communications...if there is a "problem" that comes up it needs to be addressed somehow. If I were you, I'd open up conversation and just tell her you need to talk...how she reacts to THAT will tell you a lot about the future health of the relationship. When communication breaks down and cannot be rectified, the relationship dies. Could be a slow death and a rapid death.

[Normm]

You're handling this entire situation- from the misunderstood FB post to the "I won't call you first" crap, as a child might do. The way you're going, neither this relationship or any future one is going to go the distance because you're oversensitive and seem to get off on playing "who will hold out the longest". All you're going to prove is that you have what it takes to ruin what might have been a good thing, over complete nonsense.

[MissBee]

A girl I'm sort of dating and I had a really stupid argument. I told her we should talk about it on the phone (we are long distance) instead of over text because the whole argument pretty much stemmed from a misunderstanding due to autocorrect over text. She responded that she would be really busy for the next few days but could maybe squeeze me in, if her friends weren't home. Considering she's always messaging me first and teasing me about how busy *I* am, I could tell this was an intentional blow off, so I responded with "well I'm actually really busy too, I have three events in the next two days. Just so you know." And now neither of us have spoken in 6 days.

 

I feel like the ball is in her court because I am the one who said we should talk on the phone (something she is always asking me to do) and before that I had apologized and said I would be very sad to lose her in my life and she is very valuable to me (to be honest, she has been the one all over me for the past few months and I have been a little hesitant to put it all out there, but her behavior up until the day before all this went down definitely indicated she was very interested in me). Soooo I was vulnerable and told her I was sorry et al and we should talk on the phone, but then we both flung a little "oh I'm not bothered/I have too many friends to have time for you" BS and now here we are, six days later.

 

 

Am I wrong to think it's her turn to reach out? And regardless, should I say something? It's definitely bothering me. If I know her at all from the 2 years we've known each other, it's really upsetting her, but she's always been good at reaching out first. What should I do?

 

 

*P.S. We're both girls. Just FYI*

 

This seems like a really silly and petty situation. I don't mean it in a judgmental way either. I mean that it seems like one of those things where swallowing your pride ( especially since it started from something silly to begin with) seems best and not a clear cut situation of one person was wrong and needs to reach out.

 

Reading the title I was expecting it was a case of a break-up or some other situation like that where one person clearly ended it and the other is asking if they should cave although the other ended it. It's clearly not that kind of situation.

 

Reach out. I don't think either of you is super wrong, but both are being prideful and silly. It bothers you enough to post here, so reach out. After that then the ball can really be in her court. But this is definitely a case of is it that important to be right rather than have peace?

[blackbird_brokenwing]

You're handling this entire situation- from the misunderstood FB post to the "I won't call you first" crap, as a child might do. The way you're going, neither this relationship or any future one is going to go the distance because you're oversensitive and seem to get off on playing "who will hold out the longest". All you're going to prove is that you have what it takes to ruin what might have been a good thing, over complete nonsense.

I bet you're fun to date. Way to judge me based on very little information.

 

 

I am ALWAYS the one to reach out to people first. This, in fact, was the first time I ever really "held out" on someone. I am always eager to resolve conflict and I tend to "break" very easily and would rather cave in and reach out than to sit and stew. Sometimes it doesn't work in my favor and the other person isn't ready to deal with it, and then I feel stupid for trying too soon. I am usually over "it," whatever IT is, very quickly.

 

 

I specifically waited in this situation because I already reached out, apologized, and told her I wanted to talk. She said she was busy and would let me know when she could squeeze me in. I was hurt by her callous (and fake) dismissal, and she DID say she would reach out, so I didn't say anything. Clearly I came here asking if I should say something because I wanted to reach out, and not play the "I won't call you first" game. And as it turns out, I did reach out first. She said she "needed time to chill" so there you have it.

 

 

As for the misunderstood Facebook post, she was just as culpable. I responded with "okay" and nothing more because I was upset in general, not just with her. I needed time myself to calm down lest I lash out on her with misguided anger. The honest truth is that I didn't think about it again for a couple of days, I had a lot on my plate and the days just went by. It wasn't an intentional "leave it at 'okay' for two days and make her wonder" at all. She didn't edit her original post, and her "clarification" was confusing too, even two of my other English first language friends said they didn't gather that her follow up message was a correction to the first, we all were confused. It wasn't until AFTER the two days had passed and she messaged me again and we talked about it further that I even understood how her autocorrect had completely changed the meaning.

 

 

But anyway, you're preaching to the choir. As I said above in excruciating detail, I don't ever hold out because I do value people/friendships/relationships over stubborn pride and thought about it every day last week. I came here looking to be told that reaching out was the right thing to do because I was telling myself NOT to, when everything inside me wanted to.

Edited August 14, 2018 by blackbird_brokenwing

[blackbird_brokenwing]

This seems like a really silly and petty situation. I don't mean it in a judgmental way either. I mean that it seems like one of those things where swallowing your pride ( especially since it started from something silly to begin with) seems best and not a clear cut situation of one person was wrong and needs to reach out.

 

Reading the title I was expecting it was a case of a break-up or some other situation like that where one person clearly ended it and the other is asking if they should cave although the other ended it. It's clearly not that kind of situation.

 

Reach out. I don't think either of you is super wrong, but both are being prideful and silly. It bothers you enough to post here, so reach out. After that then the ball can really be in her court. But this is definitely a case of is it that important to be right rather than have peace?

Thank you so much for your kind response. Seriously, what you said was exactly the kind of thing I was looking for. <3

 

 

 

I just now ready this unfortunately, but the good news is - I did reach out! It seems to all be okay now. She isn't messaging me like she used to, but she was a bit overwhelming for a while there so it might be better now. I will write more later but I am off to my line dancing class.