SirBeanStein Posted August 9, 2018 Posted August 9, 2018 Hi everyone, So I've been with my girlfriend for 7 months. Yesterday while I was over hers, she told me that for the last month she's been thinking if to end it or not. And then said she wanted to end it. She told me that she wants to be with me, but apparently her gut is telling her that she can't. Over the last month, she said that she sometimes gets the feeling she wants to snap at me for small things that don't mean anything normally. She misses me when I'm away and when we are together we generally have lots of fun, in which the intimate stuff hasn't fled either. I spoke to her, asking if she gives it a chance to see what may happen between us now that she's opened herself up to me. I respect her courage for speaking to me, but we still have a close bond and chemistry, so I tried to explain that something may change, now that I know what she's been feeling and thinking. She knows I've suffered with a few confidence issues lately and I've just lost my job due to staff cuts, while she's been promoted and moving to another office which is 3 hours away (so maybe all that had played a part). I want to improve myself for my benefit (become more confident and find a new job), which may help her decided if she sees a future with me. We have decided to take things at a steady pace and see if anything changes, as she says it's not that she doesn't want to be with me, it's just that something in her gut says something isn't right. From an outside perspective, does anyone have any similar experience, or any advice as to what could happen, will she change her mind and stay, should I stop trying. I'm interested to hear both sides. Many thanks! P.S we are both 27 and in Washington state
Gaeta Posted August 9, 2018 Posted August 9, 2018 When we feel like snapping at someone it's because we've been building up resentment and we're reaching the end of our rope. What are those things she wants to snap at? I personally don't believe in sticking around to see if it gets better. I think you will appear more confident in her eyes by simply taking control and removing yourself. Right now you are sticking around to figure out if she will or will not reject you, that's pretty weak. Take charge, give her her freedom to go figure herself out. I assure you she will see you with different eyes. If she doesn't start reaching out then it's because it was over already. 1
Author SirBeanStein Posted August 9, 2018 Author Posted August 9, 2018 We have made plans to go to her sisters for two nights as it's her sisters birthday in 3 days time. What I may do is tell her that I want a bit of space/no contact for them three days, so we have a chance to miss eachother, if we do miss eachother.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 9, 2018 Posted August 9, 2018 We have made plans to go to her sisters for two nights as it's her sisters birthday in 3 days time. What I may do is tell her that I want a bit of space/no contact for them three days, so we have a chance to miss eachother, if we do miss eachother. I would not recommend this. Staying away from each other doesn't generally help a couple to resolve their issues. To echo Gaeta's question, what specifically is she frustrated with you about? Did she actually cite your lack of confidence as an issue? I think that her moving away is probably a big factor. This relationship will become long-distance and it may be that she doesn't feel strongly enough about you to put in the effort and patience required to maintain a relationship at a distance.
Author SirBeanStein Posted August 9, 2018 Author Posted August 9, 2018 To answer your questions, she has said that at times she thought I could be stronger (as in confidence) and improve my social circle more as she has vast amount of friends while I have many less (I spend a lot more with her circles than she does to mine due to the vast difference). These are things that I feel I could, and maybe should improve anyway as they will benefit me as an individual (this is like a wake up call). In terms of what she's snapped about before, it was stuff that meant nothing, like me chewing gum slightly louder or normal, or me asking what we should do today while she's feeling sluggish.
Gretchen12 Posted August 9, 2018 Posted August 9, 2018 I don't think it'll get better if she wanted to snap at you for chewing gum loudly. When you find a woman who loves you just as you are, you'll know the difference. You shouldn't settle for less than that. Sure you can make changes but because there is no fixed standard, and it is her whim, you can keep trying and still be "wrong".
ExpatInItaly Posted August 9, 2018 Posted August 9, 2018 I think you're going to find that this relationship has met its end, OP. What I hear her saying is that she knows you're not a bad guy and that she should want to be with you, but her heart's just not in it. 2
ppc Posted August 9, 2018 Posted August 9, 2018 I don't want to make you sad, but I felt the same with my previous boyfriend. I cannot say, that anything was wrong, but somehow I had the gut, that in long term it won't work out for us. I was thinking A LOT, but I always buried this feeling somehow... and one night I wrote to my best friend that "look, tomorrow we will break up". He broke up with me the next day. Maybe you're doing the same, just burying the feeling that something is wrong.
Author SirBeanStein Posted August 9, 2018 Author Posted August 9, 2018 (edited) Do you guys think that there is no possible way that this can work out, should I give up trying? Edited August 9, 2018 by SirBeanStein
ChatroomHero Posted August 9, 2018 Posted August 9, 2018 Just me personally, I would bail and not expect it would ever work. For me, the resentment stays. When something little makes me want to snap I know it is not her fault and on me, but at the same time I am not choosing to feel that way, it's just something that built up probably from many different things that subconsciously bothered me. At least in my experience, even if I recognize the issue is really on me and in the grand scheme of things is of no consequence, if it bothers me now, in 10 years it will still bother me. Once a partners' annoying habit(s) go from adorable and endearing to making me cringe, there is no coming back and I will always have bouts of "I need to get out of this relationship" in between being ok with the relationship. If someone told me that they felt that way with me, my first thought would be it would be best if we moved on but remained friends. I would forever think that when she seemed happy, she was secretly imagining melting my head with a blow torch or something like that.
Gaeta Posted August 9, 2018 Posted August 9, 2018 To answer your questions, she has said that at times she thought I could be stronger (as in confidence). This is the 'blow of merci'. If women feel their man isn't strong or confident enough they slowly lose attraction, lose respect, and start viewing you as a friend or a brother. She struggles to let you go because she is attached to you but the love and attraction is getting a hit. I still think to show your confidence and your strength of character you need to break up amicably and tell her this way she'll get all the space she needs to figure herself out. You know dating is made to figure things out and if we're compatible. At 7 months dating you shouldn't be dealing with loss of attraction and 'snapping' at you. That is a good indicator the initial attraction is gone and it wasn't meant to be..
smackie9 Posted August 9, 2018 Posted August 9, 2018 I have been in your shoes....it's not worth fighting for someone that has lost attraction for you. They stay out of guilt and that's not good. Attraction can be lost just naturally, like the honeymoon stage is over (the infatuation stage) and you are left with someone you no longer want to be with. Just let her go.
Author SirBeanStein Posted August 9, 2018 Author Posted August 9, 2018 Taking what everyone has said into account, it feels that dwindling of my confidence and the loss of job (both connected), while her confidence is soaring with her promotion, is probably a big factor in why her gut is saying what it is. She told me that the day she found out about the job promotion (which was a few days after I lost mine), was the point where she started having doubts about us. She did say that "after everything I've said to you, I do still find you attractive".
Gaeta Posted August 9, 2018 Posted August 9, 2018 Taking what everyone has said into account, it feels that dwindling of my confidence and the loss of job (both connected), while her confidence is soaring with her promotion, is probably a big factor in why her gut is saying what it is. She told me that the day she found out about the job promotion (which was a few days after I lost mine), was the point where she started having doubts about us.. her heart isn't into it, it probably wasn't from the beginning otherwise this promotion and your lost of job would be a simply bump in the road, not a road blockage like she's making it. She did say that "after everything I've said to you, I do still find you attractive". wow, talk about a small consolation price. That's a compliment out of pity. 1
kendahke Posted August 10, 2018 Posted August 10, 2018 In terms of what she's snapped about before, it was stuff that meant nothing, like me chewing gum slightly louder or normal, I know of 3 men right now who are going through marital problems whose wives snap at them for how they chew gum. She is dissatisfied for some reason and is putting the focus on how your chew gum or how you breathe instead of the reason why she is pulling away, energetically, from you. IOW, she's transferring and projecting her mess onto you to sort and solve.
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