What happened to my Husband

[lost12]

I am new here and I am looking for any incite.

 

My H and I have been together almost 17 years. We have had our bumps, but what marriage hasn't. Back in January, we had gotten into an argument about him working so much and us not spending enough time together. I said I did not want to argue anymore and if this was how it was going to be then we should not do this any longer. He ended up getting down on his knees and said "you have given me a million chances...all I am asking for is a million and one." He had done dumb stupid stuff over the years and we have had hard times. When he came home from Iraq in 2009 it was so hard. I think that is mainly what he is referring to by all the chances.

Moving along after this we started spending much more time together. In Feb, he went and bought him and myself new wedding rings. He spent quite a bit on mine. When it came, he was over the moon excited. Things were going great..or so I thought.

June 25th, he was supposed to pick up our son from work at 2. I couldnt because I was working until 6. He texted me at 1:30 to tell me yeah I cant do it. We got in an argument and that was it. I came home and he wasnt speaking to me. He never came up to bed that night either. The next morning something told me to look at the phone bill and my life flashed before my eyes. A number I never knew was all over the phone bill from morning till night. I called him and he said it was just a friend. Then told me it was a 27 yr old girl he met at a job site. Then told me he thinks we need to end things. I was floored!!

He came home that night and we decided to work things out. THat day she called him and then he called me and said no we cant work this out. He left that night to go stay with his mom. 3 days later he came home. He started saying is this all there is to life?? Said his mind was messed up and he couldnt hold a thought in his head and he felt like everything was spinning. He starting looking up things and found MLC. He started crying and said that is how I feel. He cried and I held him and told him I would take anything he threw at me and I wasnt going anywhere. I would stand by him no matter what. He said he wanted to be with me and fight through this.

The next day he said he couldnt do it and needed to leave. Thats when I found he was still talking to her...just as a friend. I called bs.

 

Next couple weeks was I love you but..I am not in love with you. He kept saying he loved me but he was so confused. He said he stopped talking to her. He didnt want to be with anyone bc his head so messed up. He said he was afraid of everything. One night I asked him. What are you most afraid of......"that I will wake from this and you wont be there." I said I loved him and I would wait. His emotions were all over. He wasnt talking to our teenage boys or seeing them. If he came near the house, he would panic. Head constantly in his hands. Starting drinking more..

 

July 20th..I had lied to get him to tell me the truth about the girl. I found that he had been sleeping with her. The kids had told him if he had anything to do with her they wouldnt speak to him. I contacted her and told her she was causing a divide between him and his sons. I also told her he slept with me bc he did. She ended things with him bc of him sleeping with me (his wife) He instantly snapped. Told me he didnt love me and wanted a divorce.

 

He ended up talking to her again and now he sleeps there and has minimal contact with his kids. His son spoke with him on the phone and said pls take time to yourself and be with me and my brother and leave her alone. I wont have anything to do with you as long as she is around. THe man that has always loved his family so dearly told his son.."thats your choice..sorry you feel that way" and hasnt spoken to him since.

 

My son did end up contacted the girl. She is 27 my son is 15. He told her how hurt he was that his dad chose her over him. How he wanted his dad and asked her to please think about his family since she has two little children. She told him she was sorry he felt that way. She never wanted to come between him and his dad but this was how it is.

 

Everyone keeps saying this isnt him. Everything he is doing goes against everything he believes in. Ppl tell me he will regret it. I dont know. I am so lost and heartbroken.

 

So sorry this was so long. Please any incite would be great!!

 

H 36

W 37

S 17

S 15

M 16 yrs together 17

Edited August 9, 2018 by lost12
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[ExpatInItaly]

I'm very sorry you're going through this, OP.

 

You said you have given him a million chances and he's done dumb stuff over the years. Can you give some examples?

 

Unfortunately, this is him. Not the him he once was, but who he is now. And it's a pretty ugly version of him. Callous, self-centred, dishonest and completely lacking in compassion or respect. The damage he is doing not only to you but to your children is beyond appalling. I would also ask your sons to please not contact your husband's affair partner anymore, to prevent them from getting too entangled in this. It's going to be hard enough on them without getting right in the middle of it.

 

Have you read up on the marriage 180? You might want to do a search on that; I know some folks have implemented it in the wake of an affair and find it helpful to at least have a reference point to adhere to in dealing with this. I would also strongly suggest you book an appointment with a counselor, just for yourself for the moment, to help you find the tools and strength to get through this. You've had a terrible shock and a compassionate and qualified professional might be just the objective outlet you need to make sense of your own feelings right now.

 

Also, I would consult an attorney. I know you probably don't even want to consider this right now, but I would get very clear details on what your rights are in the event of a separation. Inform yourself.

[lost12]

When we started out he joined the army and he moved me and our 1 and 2 year olds to Germany. He would go away to the field and be at strip clubs and things like that and then lie about it.

I ended up with pneumonia once he was aggravated bc he thought I was just sick and then he found out and acted caring for a little bit then told me to watch the kids so he could go get beer.

When I got my first kidney stone he left me on the bathroom floor and went to work. I made him come home take me to the hospital he dropped me at the door and left. When the hospital sent me home he went back to work. His Sgt got in his face and sent him home.

There is a bunch of things like that. Work was always first. I was a sahm to support his career then the kids got older and I went back to school. He wanted me to work that was fine but then he wanted me to work and take care of all the sahm stuff too. So we would argue about that bc work always seemed to be above us.

He has been out of the army since 2011. When he came home he was diagnosed with ptsd and it was a nightmare but I never wavered from him.

 

 

I have told my kids to leave her alone and their dad. He knows where they are. He has not seen them in a month. I have contacted an attorney and have started counciling.

 

He has never been the type to cheat or anything like that. Most days were amazing. I was so blindsided by this.

[BluesPower]

He has never been the type to cheat or anything like that. Most days were amazing. I was so blindsided by this.

 

I am sorry to tell you this, but this is not the first time that he has cheated and he has been with this other girl for a while.

 

I would be surprised if she does not end up pregnant soon, unless he has been snipped.

 

I know that you are hurting, but don't do any begging him back. File for divorce and move on.

 

Is there a chance that he has PTDS, had he been in combat? Or is he possibly bi-polar, that would explain some of this.

 

But it could be that he is a cheater and has actually been checked out for a while.

 

If you read on these boards for a while you will find some of his behaviors listed and you will understand that this is not the first time...

[lost12]

He has been diagnosed with ptsd. I don’t know how he could’ve cheated before it was always work or home with us. His paychecks always reflected the kind of hours he worked.