NC support needed

[ThreeRainbows]

Would like some support during this NC period (I'm dumpee).

 

 

It's been just over a month. I feel pretty great, going out and doing fun things everyday. However, the past 3 days I have been contemplating reaching out.

 

 

I don't want to manipulate, nor do I want to prolong my suffering. I just want to be honest. "Are you open to reconcilation?"

 

 

I figure, if he says no, maybe it will help me move on. Kill this lingering hope that keep springing back up. Looking back, we had a good relationship (not perfect), that needed better communication. I've been reading books to work on becoming better at this. This wouldn't solve his part of the relationship's downfall, however, even if he did want to. Obviously, he would have to be in it enough to want to work for it.

 

 

And therein lies the rub. While I would never want to let pride get in the way of something great, if he doesn't make any effort to contact me, it is a sign he isn't interested in working on it. He sent 1 text, a breadcrumb "How are you?" I didn't respond.

 

 

Most of the messages I read on this board that preach NC until the end of time, I just feel are too pride-fueled for me. I don't believe it has to be that way. I think forgiveness is beautiful and two people can own being a part of a break up. Even if I am the dumpee, that does not mean I didn't mess up, too. So it's something to think about.

 

 

Want to think long and hard before I put my pride on the line. Thoughts?

Edited August 9, 2018 by ThreeRainbows

[ThreeRainbows]

Just updating to say I am going to hang onto NC for now. It's hard when you love someone. But I have to stay strong, after all, it was his choice to part ways.

[MountainGirl111]

What kind of closure if any did you get when you broke up? Sometimes it's tempting to contact the recent ex seeking out closure. Or...seeking out hope of getting back together. Or you're just lonely and miss him. All understandable.

[ThreeRainbows]

What kind of closure if any did you get when you broke up? Sometimes it's tempting to contact the recent ex seeking out closure. Or...seeking out hope of getting back together. Or you're just lonely and miss him. All understandable.

 

 

I don't think there ever is really any closure in these situations. Well, not much, anyways. And that's ok, I can take it or leave it.

 

 

It's reconciliation I would be after. Some people have had success rebuilding a relationship by trying to be friends with their ex again. I just feel that route would be manipulative, and painful too (when it doesn't work as intended). So I don't want to do that.

 

 

 

I think the best course of action is probably to just respect his wishes to break up. That, and I'm afraid of the rejection that would probably be lurking just around the corner of it.

 

 

Letting go is hard.

Edited August 9, 2018 by ThreeRainbows

[ThreeRainbows]

I think the key is to remember that he let me go to explore other options (GIGS). We had a really great relationship, used conflict resolution rather than fighting, etc. He threw it away, and that is what I have to remember.

 

 

 

Here's the background of the break-up:

 

 

 

He kept saying, at the end, that we were going too fast. And I agree, we went to fast. He said he wanted to take a breather and slow down the relationship, but that also (for him) included not being exclusive anymore. So he could explore his options. I said I couldn't go backwards in a relationship, and he said he believed we "were on different paths, now."

 

 

So, do I really want someone who would let me slip through their fingers? I can't say that I do.

[MountainGirl111]

 

 

So, do I really want someone who would let me slip through their fingers? I can't say that I do.

 

This stood out to me. When ya think of it that way, it does make a difference. Yeah...I guess you don't feel as valued if someone just lets it slip through their fingers like that. It's only been a month since the break up...early times....hang in there and stick to your no contact. That's gonna be healthier for you, I think.

[Beachead]

{snip}

Most of the messages I read on this board that preach NC until the end of time, I just feel are too pride-fueled for me. I don't believe it has to be that way. I think forgiveness is beautiful and two people can own being a part of a break up. Even if I am the dumpee, that does not mean I didn't mess up, too. So it's something to think about.

 

 

Want to think long and hard before I put my pride on the line. Thoughts?

 

I know the feeling. I actually apply NC on a case by case basis and I tweak the rules depending on how I feel. If I feel like I never want to talk to someone again after a breakup, I'll cut them out. If I bump into an ex that rejected me and time has passed by and I catch myself having a normal conversation with no ulterior motive in mind or no ill feelings, I'll consider letting them back into my life with restriction if I feel like they want the same. From there, I just go with it. I'll cut people out for life whom I feel have done some things that if if forgave, would be such disrespect to myself. Things like cheating, constant lying or putting me down. It all depends.

 

Back to your story, I'm not beyond contacting an ex or going on their social media to hurt myself one more time so that the pain can remind me why I need to move on. I've done this and it has helped. I may do this if I have found that I have plateau'd in my healing for several months. So if that's something you need to do, do it. You will heal in your own time but you don't need to follow people's stringent NC rules. They're just a one-size fits all guideline that's designed for everyone. You tweak it and make it your own.

 

- Beach

Edited August 9, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[preraph]

All I can tell you is this: When you back someone into a corner like that by asking for either reconciliation or further explanation why after a breakup, if you force them to tell you why, it's going to be hurtful. And then you lose your dignity and are just hurt. Most people don't tell you the real reason they are dumping you. When they do it's usually something like they like bigger boobs or skinnier or you're not ambitious enough and you're a terrible cook or they just don't enjoy having sex with you anymore.

 

Don't go begging for that last dribble of humiliation. Right now you are winning. You started to feel better, you ignored his breadcrumb, and you have your dignity and you will be very glad you left with your chin up in a few years instead of having to look back on a sad and insulting closure conversation.

 

You said yourself trying again would solve nothing. And you already know if he wanted to, he would ask. It's usually just futile and more time wasted and more hurt -- and once you know someone broke up with you or you aren't right for each other, intimacy is never the same. It's never the same. You can't put the magic back in the bottle. Good luck. Just try to move on and preserve your dignity and memories.

[ShutUpAndDance123]

Hi three,

 

I would remain no contact. I think somewhere in your heart you know this is the only way you can move on. The pull is too strong and residual feelings still remain that effects the decision to reach out. I went against my gut and contacted my ex after he suggested we meet multiple times. Because I needed time to think about it, he felt that was me rejecting him. Honestly, when I texted to clarify I got a "Who's this?" reply. The biggest beytral I'd ever felt. He said he was tired of asking and that my time line of needing time didn't fit with his so he deleted my #. Hard truth.

 

Now I realize he did what I should have done months ago and just said No and meant it. But he never changed and I allowed him back whenever he wanted attention. There was no talk of reconciliation and it felt cold. I've deleted his number but not after much heart ache.

 

Make the decision that's right for you, because no one is looking for your best interest except yourself. If you do reach out prepare to know it might be the last time.

[ThreeRainbows]

Hi three,

 

I would remain no contact. I think somewhere in your heart you know this is the only way you can move on. The pull is too strong and residual feelings still remain that effects the decision to reach out. I went against my gut and contacted my ex after he suggested we meet multiple times. Because I needed time to think about it, he felt that was me rejecting him. Honestly, when I texted to clarify I got a "Who's this?" reply. The biggest beytral I'd ever felt. He said he was tired of asking and that my time line of needing time didn't fit with his so he deleted my #. Hard truth.

 

Now I realize he did what I should have done months ago and just said No and meant it. But he never changed and I allowed him back whenever he wanted attention. There was no talk of reconciliation and it felt cold. I've deleted his number but not after much heart ache.

 

Make the decision that's right for you, because no one is looking for your best interest except yourself. If you do reach out prepare to know it might be the last time.

 

 

How long ago was this?

[ShutUpAndDance123]

How long ago was this?

 

Yesterday.

 

To clarify he'd been asking all week but I needed time. Apparently a week was too long for him. I think reality set in and he didn't want this after all. Shocked me to say the least, since he'd been very encouraging about some of my personal issues the past few weeks. I think as dumpee the only power we hold is over ourselves. They've made the decision knowing the consequences. I will say it was a mistake that we talked too soon post break up....we carried it long enough to see it break into a million pieces. NC is recommended for a reason.

[ThreeRainbows]

Yesterday.

 

To clarify he'd been asking all week but I needed time. Apparently a week was too long for him. I think reality set in and he didn't want this after all. Shocked me to say the least, since he'd been very encouraging about some of my personal issues the past few weeks. I think as dumpee the only power we hold is over ourselves. They've made the decision knowing the consequences. I will say it was a mistake that we talked too soon post break up....we carried it long enough to see it break into a million pieces. NC is recommended for a reason.

 

 

His responses sound passive aggressive. I think he may be mad at your newly discovered power over yourself. It's a reaction. I would stay NC, but don't be surprised if he contacts you again when his anger dies down. He needs a big hit to the ego to realize what he's losing.

 

 

How long had you been NC before breaking it?

[ShutUpAndDance123]

His responses sound passive aggressive. I think he may be mad at your newly discovered power over yourself. It's a reaction. I would stay NC, but don't be surprised if he contacts you again when his anger dies down. He needs a big hit to the ego to realize what he's losing.

 

 

How long had you been NC before breaking it?

 

Oh the entire interaction was passive aggressive. Even the way he asked me and when I wasn't quick enough to reply he would end the conversation.

 

I went NC back in May for a month. He reached out to apologize the first time which I accepted. Then NC for 2 weeks. He reached out again on vacation. And that was a pattern. But this time felt different. Prior to that we would catch up casually. This time he told me not to let his rejection from finding someone I'm more compatible with. Don't think he had deleted my number prior to all of this either.

 

All this to say if I accepted the apology but went NC back in May we wouldn't have had to deal with so much damage now. Sometimes it's just best to leave things be, protect yourself. And when if you feel ready to talk to him take it slow and don't expect anything. Even an answer. You know him better than anyone so YMMV but dumpers rarely leave someone behind without much thought. It never comes out of no where.

[Lotsgoingon]

This is the toughest part right here ... the time after a breakup.

 

Hang in there!!!!!

[ThreeRainbows]

I just wanted to update this post.

 

 

I went ahead and took a different path than common advice on here. I decided to respond to one of my ex's text. Something in me suggested that I was strong enough to handle this. What do I have to lose at this point?

 

 

Anyways, my ex and I were exchanging texts and phone calls pretty regularly the last couple weeks. Today we went beach glassing together, he took me out to lunch, and then I got locked out of my house, so I hung out with him for a couple extra hours at his.

 

 

He was very affectionate. We kissed (a fair amount), I held my boundary of no sex and no fondling of any sort (until in an official relationship). I let him know I was happy to explore this friendship (but not forever). We were both upfront about understanding this was a friendship to see if we were compatible enough for a relationship again. No games.

 

 

He asked to take me to dinner next weekend. I agreed we are going to take it slow this time around, although I still felt we went a bit fast, and I got scared at one point and had to back off a bit (he could not keep his hands off me, and the kissing got intense). I had a minor panic attack and felt embarrassed. We went for a walk to help me calm down a bit. He was understanding. I am not concerned. Even if I had blown it, I just have this strong sense that I would be just fine, and that he is not going to be able to stay away long anyways.

 

 

What amazed me is that in the 3 months we were apart, he has been studying relationships, watching you tube videos, etc. And there have been no other girls!

 

 

I saw his look of amazement when he found out I've been reading a book on communication.

 

 

He dropped me off and said he is going to call me tonight. I am... happy.

 

 

 

 

 

For anyone interested in repairing their broken relationship, rather than moving on, this website was crucial for me:

 

https://exboyfriendinsight.com/what-it-really-takes-to-get-ex-boyfriend-back/

Edited September 10, 2018 by ThreeRainbows

[ThreeRainbows]

One other thing he said that had me amazed.

 

 

 

When he dumped me three months ago, he said, "I want to explore my options. I only want something that's light and easy and fun. Not something that requires work..."

 

 

Today, he said he didn't see any other girls because he didn't want to start all over again with someone new. He said what occurred to him was that "maybe I should have tried harder. That it's better to try and work things out rather than start all over."

 

 

[FMW]

Just be careful and take time to make sure he's serious about his change of heart. I think it would take a while for me to trust him.

 

I don't like his comment about it being better to try harder instead of having to start over. He should want to try harder because he wants you and values you. Not because he's too lazy to charm someone else into going out with him.

 

Most importantly, be very sure he and this relationship is what YOU really want.

[Zahara]

If this is the same guy you posted about in July, I’m not sure how much has changed since then. I’d caution you to watch your step and take things very slowly. Keep the physical out for now because it’s going to mess with your head - especially when you can’t be certain if you can trust him. Based on experience, these kinds usually come back around when they’re lacking prospects. Based on his comment about trying harder - I’m skeptical about his intent. I’m not certain but be cautious and implement some boundaries. He needs to earn your trust before you dive in.

 

Also, I’m not sure how you’re trying to pursue a friendship, yet you’re being intimate, while seeing if a relationship is possible. You both dated for 5 months and it didn’t work out. Demoting it to a friendship doesn’t change anything. It all sounds convoluted and messy.

Edited September 11, 2018 by Zahara

[ThreeRainbows]

If this is the same guy you posted about in July, I’m not sure how much has changed since then. I’d caution you to watch your step and take things very slowly. Keep the physical out for now because it’s going to mess with your head - especially when you can’t be certain if you can trust him. Based on experience, these kinds usually come back around when they’re lacking prospects. Based on his comment about trying harder - I’m skeptical about his intent. I’m not certain but be cautious and implement some boundaries. He needs to earn your trust before you dive in.

 

Also, I’m not sure how you’re trying to pursue a friendship, yet you’re being intimate, while seeing if a relationship is possible. You both dated for 5 months and it didn’t work out. Demoting it to a friendship doesn’t change anything. It all sounds convoluted and messy.

 

 

 

 

He made it very clear that during the three months we were apart, the reason he was looking at relationship advice and wanting to work things out was because he missed me intensely. He said after we stopped interacting, literally everyday, his thoughts were centered on me. I have no worries there.

 

 

We're not pursing a friendship. We're pursing a relationship, but taking it slow. It's just we didn't call ourselves "boyfriend and girlfriend" because we literally just started dating again today. He told me he is and will remain exclusive to me.

 

 

We dated for 5 months and we encountered a bump in the road. You may call that "not working out," and that is okay. I think it's true that for some, a bump in the road is the end, because it does take 2 people to want to make something work. Luckily, my guy came to his senses, and decided he wants to make it work.

 

 

Just got off the phone with him. This feels really positive. Judge if you like (haters gonna hate), but I am happy.

[Zahara]

No one is hating on you. There’s nothing to hate. Just cautioning you to be careful and to implement boundaries while he earns your trust.

 

Yes, it didn’t work out the first time. He’s back for a second chance. There’s nothing wrong with that except this time around, walk in with your eyes and ears open. As you move forward, pay attention to actions not words.

[ThreeRainbows]

No one is hating on you. There’s nothing to hate. Just cautioning you to be careful and to implement boundaries while he earns your trust.

 

Yes, it didn’t work out the first time. He’s back for a second chance. There’s nothing wrong with that except this time around, walk in with your eyes and ears open. As you move forward, pay attention to actions not words.

 

 

 

 

I appreciate your words of caution. Boundaries are an area where I worked on during the time apart. I read the book "Boundaries in Dating" by Drs. Townsend and Cloud; it was very helpful. I found that, once again, it was a communication problem. It's not that I didn't have boundaries, it's that I didn't know how to communicate them without hurting his feelings. Now, I have figured out how to sugarcoat them (and even use humor!), while also just accepting that sometimes, he might get hurt.

 

 

When we first started interacting (texting), we did call it a friendship.

 

If you ask me, that is an avenue towards something more. It really can be a good thing if you want to reconcile. Sometimes your ex is trying to use you to set up a FwB situation, sometimes he actually wants to see if he can trust you. I don't think my ex is trying to use me for self gain (obviously he's not getting sex, and he respected that, even if he couldn't keep his hands off me). He's a nice guy who lost his trust.

 

 

 

Another big thing is that it's all in the perspective that you take. When you have the right mindset (love and abundance), you realize that your "mistrust" of their intentions is actually what causes them to pull away. It's a form of insecurity. When you finally reach emotional security, you are not phased by their hesitation, or by their own mistrust of you. You own your part, and you are aware that this has to do with their own insecurity around love.

 

 

 

I am so glad that I decided to trust his intentions. We will see how it goes.

[FMW]

Nope, no one is hating on you. Just wanting you to keep your eyes open for your own protection.

 

Guys can be really clueless with what they say, so hopefully that's the case with what he said about working harder.

[ThreeRainbows]

Nope, no one is hating on you. Just wanting you to keep your eyes open for your own protection.

 

Guys can be really clueless with what they say, so hopefully that's the case with what he said about working harder.

 

 

There was a forum post around here not long ago about a woman who was with a commitment phobic man for 5+ years, and they had a break up. They wound up getting engaged 6 months after the break up, or something like that.

 

 

 

It was a beautiful story. I applauded that lady for her strong and secure nature. However, the amount of hate thrown her way on the forums was crazy! So that's why I said that. I just expect it, since this is a recon post (seems so many people love the move on strategy rather than the fix it strategy).

[ThreeRainbows]

I just wanted to say that today, my (former!) ex called me on the phone... we had a lovely chat... and the ambiguity has been cleared. He does not want a friendship, he wants to be exclusive boyfriend and girlfriend. We are still going to take it slow, especially for the next few weeks, physically.

Edited September 12, 2018 by ThreeRainbows

[Minneloa]

Tread carefully. Reconciliations are a process, and one that often fails due to the re-emergence of the original issues that caused the breakup. I am not a "hater" by any stretch, but I would not jump to conclusions about a successful outcome here in the initial stages. I say this not to rain on your parade, but just to urge you to be aware of the precarious nature of your situation. Good luck.