loveandbeloved Posted August 8, 2018 Posted August 8, 2018 I need some advice in a serious situation I am in. Do I stay, or do I go? And this needs to happen... I'm stuck in an endless circle and things just dont ever change. Ive been in a relationship of over 5 years, and we have a 3 month old baby girl together. I also have a 7 year old daughter who lives with us, and he has a 7 year old son who lives in CA. I moved in with him to AZ from CA after long distance dating a year. Things started out with so many red flags, and I was a 20 year old idiot and ignored them because I was blind in love. Around when I moved in with him, or shortly after...even more began happening. It started with his family being against me, or insulting me or saying things about my sweet little innocent 7 year old girl... and he would allow it, hell...even partake in it! He wouldn't defend me. He would want me to be attacked. His twin brother always had it out for me, and so did his father. I dodged all these bullets thrown my way because I am strong and he learned to admire me for it. He eventually started defending me... but then, when we would fight he would leave! Always, always, leave to his brothers. He almost would create a fight just to leave! There I am a mess on the floor crying, heartbroken, far away from the ones who love and care about me and abandoned. He would say awful things during a fight, and I would cry and beg to bring him back to surface, back to me. I was his trophy wife, quit modeling because of the issues it caused with us to be with him yet supported his music career. At this point, I'm done being a doormat. When I stopped taking his ****, things stepped up a notch. He started fighting with me in front of my kid, getting in my face screaming at me, I push him back, he pushes harder. I then defend myself by smacking him, or swattiing his arm, and he strikes me hard. I grew up with physical abuse and maybe thats why I put up with it. But Im not innnocent either - because of my fears I started lashing out at him not afraid to stand up to him. I found myself the more fights we'd get into, the more damage he would inflict, the more I'd be sure to hurt him back next time. I ended up being so sick of being treated like ****, taken advantage of, and the fights. I left. Then he begged me for me back, of course - I returned, but he actually changed...he actually just loved me more. He started valuing my worth. Protecting me. I wanted to move away from his family, and he actually did it. We moved an hour away, and he quit his dead beat job he made nothing at ( I carried us financially, always...) to move closer to my job since my daughter was starting Kindergarten. Well, he was empty after a while. The fights returned, or more so never really stopped... every house we moved to were terrible memories inside of them. My daughter had witnessed far too much at this point already. Has heard every name in the book, has seen me physcially hard and also me harm him...I always tried to get him to understand how fighting in front of her was totally fked up and it HAD TO STOP. When he would hurt my feelings and still to this day, he would never comfort me. He literally does not know how to give me love and affection or have empathy for me when Im sad. Its almost like he thinks hes enabling me. He still can't. If I say I want to leave, and I'm done... he says, me too. Theres the door. Never fights for me, never comforts me, horrible history of abuse both physical and emotional. Things got better, a LOT better. We got pregnant, and it felt like we were going to make it...our family was growing, our kids were crazy about eachother. WE were always crazy in love. When we were good, we were always physcially intimate, holding hands, kissing, texting all day long, crazy in love. Well, then the fights happened again. I carried us financially through saving for maternity leave, and it was stressful. Also, ummm...I was freaking pregnant and hormonal! He was impossible when it came to dealing with my emotions and feelings. Maybe its me and I'm too emotional. But, do I really deserve to be tossed aside, never comforted? Always made to feel I am equal in our issues. Thats why I have staye so long. I feel guilty. While he may go into the living room next to my daughters room and start cussing and yelling, and I scream at him to shutup and get away from her room, to go scream outside or in our room... I am screaming too afterall? So I am just as bad. Now he gets in my face, goes near my daughters room and screams and I will try and push him away and he shoves me back and I can't help anymore but swat him away. I feel awful. But I would never intentionally hurt him! I feel like its screwed up because he gets to call it fair now just because I've had to defend myself against him and have succeeded! His mom is submissive to his dad who is disrecpectful to her, and he expects me to be submissive like her. He calls me manipulative and my daughter maniuplative. I left last week for a week to California, debating to leave him. Told my family (almost) everything, and then I ended up giving him another chance. Well we got along great, he swore it would never happen again the fighting in front of my daughter or losing his temper at me for no reason, just becasue he doesnt like what Im saying or disagrees! We got into a big fight a couple days ago and he was piss drunk (oh did I mention alcohol is a major problem? Quit during our pregnancy and problems still happened...) out of his mind, and we got into a big argument. He said that the time apart was good for us, and that he thinks I should spend more alone time with my family and he would like to too. Then said he missed his brothe and started crying. I told him, I dont have a problem with him spending 1 on one time with his brother, but why would he want to go see his family and their significant others and have ME not be there? WE are a family?! It seems he always wants to leave, he wants to be alone? When I said I was leaving to Cali after he called my kid maniuplative just to push m eover the edge, he split so fast to his brothers!!! His reasoning? Oh I said I was leaving, and he will ALWAYS leave first. I dont want to go to CA without him just because? I called his mom telling her to please tell him to calm down, hes breaking his promises (silly me..) and he calls her saying im brain washing her, im manipulative, he cant do it anymore, hes crying and a fcking MESS. His mom... tells me Im being sensitive!! I cant even. We didnt talk the last 2 days, he did all this crap next to my kids room where she could hear him. Last night I tried talking to him and he said that he doesnt feel he needs to apolgize. Even though he was piss drunk and saying what he meant wrong (he meant one on one time with his brother, not JUST his family...but was saying it backwards... ) that I was wrong too because I overrreacted. After leaving him!! He tells me he wants to go spend more time with just them and without me?? We go back and forth of me always trying to convince him of the reality bc hes so prideful and what really went down, while he denies and justifies it. He pretty much tells me he feels the same way I do. Regardless of what really happened. He feels strongly about me being the same as him ( worse actually. ) Soo... yeah. Were now fighting after not talking for 2 days, and he tells me this is why I had abuse issues when I was younger. Like its something to hold against me!! I start crying, losing myself, and he comforts me and tells me we will get through it. Now today is seeming like its going back into this normal phase and I CANT. I feel like I need him to tell me that he knows hes harmed me, hes the leading problem and I would never speak to him or lash out at him if I didnt have to or now come to a point that its the same song and dance. I want him so badly to fight for me, but he wont. Now my daughter just started 2nd grade at a new school, this is her 2nd day. I just started a new job one month ago, Im making less money at...Whats holding me back from moving back with my family in CA? I want our family to work. I dont want another failed realtionship, two kids with two different dads. Both long relationships that dindt work out (my oldest daughters father is in prison/junkie... loves her but always been a loser.) and now Im starting over.... I cant stand the thought of it. Im scared. Packing up and seriously leaving? To another state? I love him SO much... I wish we could fix this. We tried counceling at the end of my pregnancy and he never used the tools. He was excited to go and wanted to, read relationship books, he wants to better himself, but battles with his pride against himself and me. What do I do? Im VERY vulenerable and sensitive, so please be nice. Im on the verge of a nervous breakdown and Im terrified of what is happening. Is there hope he can change? He HAS proven he can, my family even agrees. I would do anything for our family to stay together and so would he but were stuck. I'm a fool, I know.
d0nnivain Posted August 9, 2018 Posted August 9, 2018 I skimmed this but at minimum you two need marriage counseling. You crying on the floor & him laughing is very bad. Think about the messages you are sending your kids & act to protect them.
stillafool Posted August 9, 2018 Posted August 9, 2018 I'll go further than that - you two need to divorce and you move back to CA. This is ridiculous to expose children to this type of behavior.
BaileyB Posted August 9, 2018 Posted August 9, 2018 (edited) Oh goodness, you have three children you are raising in an abusive home. Two DAUGHTERS who are watching everything and learning from you that it is acceptable for a man to hurt a woman. If you decide to stay with this man, you are teaching them that this kind of behavior is acceptable, that they have no right to expect anything more from their partners when they grow up and get married. Is this what you want your children to learn? Is this really what you want to teach them? Or, do you want to teach them that a woman has a right to expect that their life partner will treat them with respect, dignity, and kindness? Do you want them to see that their mother was a victim of domestic abuse, or a strong woman who did what was required to keep herself and her children safe. And finally, what do you want for your children? Don't your children have a right to be raised in a home where they can feel safe and secure? Don't they have a right to expect that their home is a peaceful place where they can grow and learn rather than a battlefield, where they feel anxious and afraid? Don't they have a right to be children, without the worry and fear that their mother will be hurt by their father? Don't they have a right to rest their little heads on the pillow at night and not hear their father, drunk and belligerent, threatening their mother. Do you think that when they hear this, they worry that their father will hurt them too? You are in a relationship with an abusive alcoholic. It doesn't matter how much you love him. You can't fix this. You have tried for years, and it hasn't happened. You have a responsibility not to this man, but to your children. You can not raise them in an abusive home with a raging alcoholic. You can't stay with this man. I think you know that. Make your plan, take your children, and get them to safety. Edited August 9, 2018 by BaileyB 2
Gaeta Posted August 9, 2018 Posted August 9, 2018 Since when love is enough? You're ready to do anything for this to work about losing your life? or losing your children? Look at your life, you're raising girls to grow up just like you, picking losers for husband and enduring a life time of abuse. You want that for your girls? if not then teach your children by ACTIONS that when a man mistreats you you leave him, no matter if he's a husband, a fiancée or a boyfriend, NO MEN should treat them badly.
Purrrfect Posted August 9, 2018 Posted August 9, 2018 I am in AZ too btw. Your 7 yesrcold sgould not be witnessing this garbage. I feel sorry for the baby to You should send he 7 yr old with family or her Dads until you get this jerk out of your house. I don’t know how you could allow a guy in your house who’s an ass to you and your daughter. She doesn’t deserve this. Your kids safety is #1. Tell him he is to leave the house immed. If he threatens you or the kids call the police and file an RO. Pay attention to red flags next time. Focus on you and your kids. Please update me
preraph Posted August 9, 2018 Posted August 9, 2018 It's not right to bring kids into an abusive environment, so separate and apart from what you want to do, you need to get these kids out of this environment. Get an attorney. Limit his custody.
Zahara Posted August 9, 2018 Posted August 9, 2018 I feel very sorry for these children. If you can’t do the right thing for yourself, at least do it for them. You love him SO much — well, love yourself and your children more and use that to motivate yourself to give them a better life. And this isn’t love. Abuse is not love. You are toxically dependent on him and confuse that attachment as love. As a parent, you’re teaching your children that abuse should be tolerated and this is what a relationship should look like and chances are as they become adults, they will likely repeat your pattern. Stop with the “love” fantasy and start taking action towards protecting your children.
Zahara Posted August 9, 2018 Posted August 9, 2018 I read your past threads. All this has been going on for far too long. And no, he’s not changing.
smackie9 Posted August 10, 2018 Posted August 10, 2018 Your family is ready to help...are you ready to leave? I think so. All it takes is a phone call, they will take care of the rest. It will give you time to get your daughter into a new school come this fall. Everything will be ok.
MountainGirl111 Posted August 10, 2018 Posted August 10, 2018 Oh my....you are in a cesspool of an abusive relationship. You need out. Call your family and ask for help. Tell them you have been abused and it's not getting better and you need someplace safe for you and your children. You don't have to tell him you're calling them. If he knows you are trying to leave, he may up his tactics. I'm very concerned for you.
coolheadal Posted August 10, 2018 Posted August 10, 2018 I need some advice in a serious situation I am in. Do I stay, or do I go? And this needs to happen... I'm stuck in an endless circle and things just dont ever change. Ive been in a relationship of over 5 years, and we have a 3 month old baby girl together. I also have a 7 year old daughter who lives with us, and he has a 7 year old son who lives in CA. I moved in with him to AZ from CA after long distance dating a year. Things started out with so many red flags, and I was a 20 year old idiot and ignored them because I was blind in love. Around when I moved in with him, or shortly after...even more began happening. It started with his family being against me, or insulting me or saying things about my sweet little innocent 7 year old girl... and he would allow it, hell...even partake in it! He wouldn't defend me. He would want me to be attacked. His twin brother always had it out for me, and so did his father. I dodged all these bullets thrown my way because I am strong and he learned to admire me for it. He eventually started defending me... but then, when we would fight he would leave! Always, always, leave to his brothers. He almost would create a fight just to leave! There I am a mess on the floor crying, heartbroken, far away from the ones who love and care about me and abandoned. He would say awful things during a fight, and I would cry and beg to bring him back to surface, back to me. I was his trophy wife, quit modeling because of the issues it caused with us to be with him yet supported his music career. At this point, I'm done being a doormat. When I stopped taking his ****, things stepped up a notch. He started fighting with me in front of my kid, getting in my face screaming at me, I push him back, he pushes harder. I then defend myself by smacking him, or swattiing his arm, and he strikes me hard. I grew up with physical abuse and maybe thats why I put up with it. But Im not innnocent either - because of my fears I started lashing out at him not afraid to stand up to him. I found myself the more fights we'd get into, the more damage he would inflict, the more I'd be sure to hurt him back next time. I ended up being so sick of being treated like ****, taken advantage of, and the fights. I left. Then he begged me for me back, of course - I returned, but he actually changed...he actually just loved me more. He started valuing my worth. Protecting me. I wanted to move away from his family, and he actually did it. We moved an hour away, and he quit his dead beat job he made nothing at ( I carried us financially, always...) to move closer to my job since my daughter was starting Kindergarten. Well, he was empty after a while. The fights returned, or more so never really stopped... every house we moved to were terrible memories inside of them. My daughter had witnessed far too much at this point already. Has heard every name in the book, has seen me physcially hard and also me harm him...I always tried to get him to understand how fighting in front of her was totally fked up and it HAD TO STOP. When he would hurt my feelings and still to this day, he would never comfort me. He literally does not know how to give me love and affection or have empathy for me when Im sad. Its almost like he thinks hes enabling me. He still can't. If I say I want to leave, and I'm done... he says, me too. Theres the door. Never fights for me, never comforts me, horrible history of abuse both physical and emotional. Things got better, a LOT better. We got pregnant, and it felt like we were going to make it...our family was growing, our kids were crazy about eachother. WE were always crazy in love. When we were good, we were always physcially intimate, holding hands, kissing, texting all day long, crazy in love. Well, then the fights happened again. I carried us financially through saving for maternity leave, and it was stressful. Also, ummm...I was freaking pregnant and hormonal! He was impossible when it came to dealing with my emotions and feelings. Maybe its me and I'm too emotional. But, do I really deserve to be tossed aside, never comforted? Always made to feel I am equal in our issues. Thats why I have staye so long. I feel guilty. While he may go into the living room next to my daughters room and start cussing and yelling, and I scream at him to shutup and get away from her room, to go scream outside or in our room... I am screaming too afterall? So I am just as bad. Now he gets in my face, goes near my daughters room and screams and I will try and push him away and he shoves me back and I can't help anymore but swat him away. I feel awful. But I would never intentionally hurt him! I feel like its screwed up because he gets to call it fair now just because I've had to defend myself against him and have succeeded! His mom is submissive to his dad who is disrecpectful to her, and he expects me to be submissive like her. He calls me manipulative and my daughter maniuplative. I left last week for a week to California, debating to leave him. Told my family (almost) everything, and then I ended up giving him another chance. Well we got along great, he swore it would never happen again the fighting in front of my daughter or losing his temper at me for no reason, just becasue he doesnt like what Im saying or disagrees! We got into a big fight a couple days ago and he was piss drunk (oh did I mention alcohol is a major problem? Quit during our pregnancy and problems still happened...) out of his mind, and we got into a big argument. He said that the time apart was good for us, and that he thinks I should spend more alone time with my family and he would like to too. Then said he missed his brothe and started crying. I told him, I dont have a problem with him spending 1 on one time with his brother, but why would he want to go see his family and their significant others and have ME not be there? WE are a family?! It seems he always wants to leave, he wants to be alone? When I said I was leaving to Cali after he called my kid maniuplative just to push m eover the edge, he split so fast to his brothers!!! His reasoning? Oh I said I was leaving, and he will ALWAYS leave first. I dont want to go to CA without him just because? I called his mom telling her to please tell him to calm down, hes breaking his promises (silly me..) and he calls her saying im brain washing her, im manipulative, he cant do it anymore, hes crying and a fcking MESS. His mom... tells me Im being sensitive!! I cant even. We didnt talk the last 2 days, he did all this crap next to my kids room where she could hear him. Last night I tried talking to him and he said that he doesnt feel he needs to apolgize. Even though he was piss drunk and saying what he meant wrong (he meant one on one time with his brother, not JUST his family...but was saying it backwards... ) that I was wrong too because I overrreacted. After leaving him!! He tells me he wants to go spend more time with just them and without me?? We go back and forth of me always trying to convince him of the reality bc hes so prideful and what really went down, while he denies and justifies it. He pretty much tells me he feels the same way I do. Regardless of what really happened. He feels strongly about me being the same as him ( worse actually. ) Soo... yeah. Were now fighting after not talking for 2 days, and he tells me this is why I had abuse issues when I was younger. Like its something to hold against me!! I start crying, losing myself, and he comforts me and tells me we will get through it. Now today is seeming like its going back into this normal phase and I CANT. I feel like I need him to tell me that he knows hes harmed me, hes the leading problem and I would never speak to him or lash out at him if I didnt have to or now come to a point that its the same song and dance. I want him so badly to fight for me, but he wont. Now my daughter just started 2nd grade at a new school, this is her 2nd day. I just started a new job one month ago, Im making less money at...Whats holding me back from moving back with my family in CA? I want our family to work. I dont want another failed realtionship, two kids with two different dads. Both long relationships that dindt work out (my oldest daughters father is in prison/junkie... loves her but always been a loser.) and now Im starting over.... I cant stand the thought of it. Im scared. Packing up and seriously leaving? To another state? I love him SO much... I wish we could fix this. We tried counceling at the end of my pregnancy and he never used the tools. He was excited to go and wanted to, read relationship books, he wants to better himself, but battles with his pride against himself and me. What do I do? Im VERY vulenerable and sensitive, so please be nice. Im on the verge of a nervous breakdown and Im terrified of what is happening. Is there hope he can change? He HAS proven he can, my family even agrees. I would do anything for our family to stay together and so would he but were stuck. I'm a fool, I know. I read your story! But you see in the end you taken him back no matter what happens. Because you know in your heart you love him more than the abuse he's shelling out and your swatting him back I see too. Your both abusing each other and yet you both come back in the end. This happens because you both are so much in love but again in an abusive way. This is your life cycle seeing someone to help won't change the fact you too are the same type abusive physically and mentally. That will never stop you and him have abusive past and that is why you put up with all of this. Saying you leaving isn't going to cut it my dear. That's just excuse on your part to take a back stab on him He could say the same to you but in the end you both get back together. Your meant to be this way. It will never change this is how you live and this is how it would be. Even for one moment you think you would be happier without him is false you clearly shown me you care, love and don't want anyone else buy him. Your kid is growing up and knows him as her step dad or dad. You two have a kid together also you have to think of the child also. Well the only thing now is live like this or not but your not going to move out and he will never change because he doesn't understand how too. Bad family on his side causes him to be like he is. You come from abusive side more physical I see you like to hit back instead of being hit only. This is how it will be with you both, because love comes in all shapes and sizes. You two are something different than the norm. Never think for one minute you would be happier with a guy that wasn't like this. You need a man like this because both need each other. Just the simple truth!
Lorenza Posted August 10, 2018 Posted August 10, 2018 You're effectively conditioning your children into growing up just as tolerant to abuse as you are. It's going to be an endless circle. The fact you are actually able to recognize abuse and talk about your relationship so eloquently shows that you understand this pretty well. Which makes you directly responsible for not leaving and therefore messing up your children's lives for good. You love that man and the pain he causes more than you love your children. That's how it is at this moment. Contact your family, pack your bags, take your children and leave. Then get a therapist for both you and your oldest daughter. Divorce that man. There is absolutely no other way. If you don't do it and you're gonna witness how your children's lives are gonna fall apart later on.
CKJD Posted August 11, 2018 Posted August 11, 2018 I read your story! But you see in the end you taken him back no matter what happens. Because you know in your heart you love him more than the abuse he's shelling out and your swatting him back I see too. Your both abusing each other and yet you both come back in the end. This happens because you both are so much in love but again in an abusive way. This is your life cycle seeing someone to help won't change the fact you too are the same type abusive physically and mentally. That will never stop you and him have abusive past and that is why you put up with all of this. Saying you leaving isn't going to cut it my dear. That's just excuse on your part to take a back stab on him He could say the same to you but in the end you both get back together. Your meant to be this way. It will never change this is how you live and this is how it would be. Even for one moment you think you would be happier without him is false you clearly shown me you care, love and don't want anyone else buy him. Your kid is growing up and knows him as her step dad or dad. You two have a kid together also you have to think of the child also. Well the only thing now is live like this or not but your not going to move out and he will never change because he doesn't understand how too. Bad family on his side causes him to be like he is. You come from abusive side more physical I see you like to hit back instead of being hit only. This is how it will be with you both, because love comes in all shapes and sizes. You two are something different than the norm. Never think for one minute you would be happier with a guy that wasn't like this. You need a man like this because both need each other. Just the simple truth! No no no no no no, no...no...NO! No. Don't take any of this advice, OP. Please! You don't excuse abuse. You NEVER stay in an abusive relationship, especially if there are kids involved. You both need a lot of time apart for the realities of this situation to become clearer to you and him. Abusers DO NOT change when they keep the power in their relationship dynamic, whether it be in a formal relationship or after the break up when they begin their campaign of self pity and guilt tripping, tugging at your heart strings and promising change, just to be in control of your emotions and behavior once more. If this guy can get the help he needs, MAYBE you could consider a future together...but the risks are so high that it is not worth considering at all in this time and probably in the years to come. And you can't be the one to help him. He needs to lose you entirely to feel the CONSEQUENCES of routinely mistreating someone in a relationship. OP, if you yourself identify this relationship as abusive you're halfway there. Feel the pang of loss, feel the anger, feel the love dwinde away as you build yourself up again alone. Your daughter has suffered enough and so have you. I apologise if my words are abrupt. I'm sorry you're going through this, but you can get out and learn how to have a healthy love in time.
Lorenza Posted August 11, 2018 Posted August 11, 2018 I read your story! But you see in the end you taken him back no matter what happens. Because you know in your heart you love him more than the abuse he's shelling out and your swatting him back I see too. Your both abusing each other and yet you both come back in the end. This happens because you both are so much in love but again in an abusive way. This is your life cycle seeing someone to help won't change the fact you too are the same type abusive physically and mentally. That will never stop you and him have abusive past and that is why you put up with all of this. Saying you leaving isn't going to cut it my dear. That's just excuse on your part to take a back stab on him He could say the same to you but in the end you both get back together. Your meant to be this way. It will never change this is how you live and this is how it would be. Even for one moment you think you would be happier without him is false you clearly shown me you care, love and don't want anyone else buy him. Your kid is growing up and knows him as her step dad or dad. You two have a kid together also you have to think of the child also. Well the only thing now is live like this or not but your not going to move out and he will never change because he doesn't understand how too. Bad family on his side causes him to be like he is. You come from abusive side more physical I see you like to hit back instead of being hit only. This is how it will be with you both, because love comes in all shapes and sizes. You two are something different than the norm. Never think for one minute you would be happier with a guy that wasn't like this. You need a man like this because both need each other. Just the simple truth! Worst advice I've ever read.
coolheadal Posted August 11, 2018 Posted August 11, 2018 Worst advice I've ever read. No it's not because I can see what they're going through. Sometimes advise is more than you think when I answer here. But you have to live her life to understand it. I've been in worst relationships but I can see where she's coming from. When you live such a live then you can give your two cents but. I don't mean that in a bad way but you need to have more open mind when such a life style come out. Your not here to judge me your here to advise like me or your own experiences. Shouldn't be here to put me down I am her to help just like you. Anyway no harm by you just your opinion. Shanti (peace)
BaileyB Posted August 11, 2018 Posted August 11, 2018 This is simply not a relationship that you work on and hope that it gets better with time. This is a relationship that you leave immediately before he does more damage to you and your kida. I hope you hear that in all the other posts OP. I hope we don’t see you back in another year or two asking the same question - should I stay or should I go?
SunnyWeather Posted August 11, 2018 Posted August 11, 2018 once you begin to examine your role in this unhealthy dynamic, and decide to change your part in this drama, will be the day you conclude you have to leave. you can't change him, only how you respond. The saddest part is that your choices are not only affecting you, but your children as well
Elpida. Posted August 11, 2018 Posted August 11, 2018 I skimmed but I feel like I got all I needed to know. I say run don't walk away from him. Not only for your own well being but also for your children. It is scary and disturbing for them to witness these things and who knows how his behavior can escalate. I can imagine it's daunting thinking about going it alone as a parent, but I think you are stronger than you believe. You don't need him and you will feel relieved once you are free of the situation. I had an abusive relationship for about a year and I know it's hard to leave. There were no kids involved in our situation and he was never violent, but I can empathise. He would come home from work and I'd be in a good mood but he'd pick fights over next to nothing and get aggressive. Sometimes I'd be really upset and crying and I would go and lock myself in the bathroom crying and not wanting to go outside. Now I look back on it I can't even believe the situation I was in, but we'd fight, he'd apologise or be sweet and then I'd give him "one more" chance and it would repeat. Exactly the same thing with the empathy too. I would sit him down calmly after an argument and tell him "when you do/say X, it really hurts me" and he just stared blankly and couldn't see things from my perspective. He will not change. I know it's hard but leave, utilise your support network and in a few months down the line you will feel much happier
littleblackheart Posted August 11, 2018 Posted August 11, 2018 Take a deep breath, get a plan of action ready and go. He will not change. I was in an abusive marriage too and it took some back and forth before I left for good with my then very young kids. I've not regretted it one second and I encourage you to do the same. Please ensure you are surrounded by friends and family who have your back because the few months after leaving will be brutal (not saying this to frighten you but to prepare you) - you need to get the mental strength not only to leave, but also to deal with the upheaval, practical consequences, guilt, mind games and moments of doubt that will invariably follow. Good luck to you and your children.
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