Lost&Confused Posted September 4, 2005 Posted September 4, 2005 So many problems I dont know where to begin... I am soon to be divorced but have been separated for almost a year. I have no issues there. Its over, I initiated the divorce, ex is ok... we talk and are friendly. But, Ive been "dating" a guy i met online since the end of June. Yes, we have had sex already. I say "dating" because he seems more like a gigalo than a boyfriend. I have paid for a few outings and hes paid for NONE. Not that that should matter but come on... Like so many men... he doesn't hardly ever call me. He is COLD and distant after sex. He is always sending me mixed signals... bear with me here is an example... Three weeks ago we were together pretty much all weekend (i didnt have my son). It went great. He left Sunday evening...then he doesnt call or return calls/texts for 6ish days (who is counting). Then Sun evening he calls and we talk for an hour. He says he will call me Mon night and really did. We made plans for him to come up on Thurs evening(dont have my son on Tue or Thur nights). He mentioned Mon evening that he would call me Tues night. I didnt expect him to but he DID. Thur night he even went as far as calling me from work to say he was leaving work and on his way. He came up on Thurs night and I made dinner. He was sweet, we cuddled, conversation was really nice. We watched a movie and didn't quite make it thru the movie before we were making out and having sex on the couch. Then COLD... he spent the night but we did not touch each other again until a quick kiss goodbye the next morning. --He left his flip flops at my house by accident... he called Sat and asked if he could come get them -several miles just for sandles when he's supose to be coming up later that night anyway. He didnt show up that night... I left him a message at 1:30AM that said that if I didn't see him by noon on Sun it was over... at 12:12 he called my cell phone... I was pissed and I didnt answer... he didnt call back. I texted him Tues to ask him if it was over or if he cared, no response... wed I texted him and said i was throwing away his toothbrush, no response. Friday I called and left a message that if it was really over I wanted to hear it from him in person. He called and wanted to know what my message meant and moved on to talk about a family reunion he is going to this holiday weekend in Michigan with his sister and his daughters -as if nothing is wrong!!!!! And said he would call me when he gets home Mon and we could get together Tue night. He is so confusing!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He acts like nothing is wrong. I dont want to argue with him but dont know what to do. When we go out and have fun and when we are having sex everything is great... then bam! I like him a lot and I like him enough that Im trying to be patient while he works thru some heavy issues. But what can I do about the coldness after sex? I even told him I dont like it and asked him what was wrong and what i could do? He just says "I know I am and I dont know what you should do." I shouldnt let him run over me and maybe I need to be patient and wait for a man that will treat me right... but I have somehow fallen for this one. My friends say to just enjoy the "moments" he "gives" me until the next guy comes along. One of my friends is even setting me up with her boyfriends friend -SCARRY. I dont really want to go I want to give Mark a chance. But how long can I wait for him and should I? I would love anyones advice and guidance but for some reason a man's perspective would be nice... Thanks, Frustrated and confused!
upsetnhurt Posted September 4, 2005 Posted September 4, 2005 Please.....You just finally finalized a difficult relationship with your ex husband.....do you really need to get into another bad relationship? This has all the signs of a heartbreak waiting to happen. If he is into you, you would definitely get the emotional support you are looking for. Yet his actions should show you that he is only looking for one thing, sex! If you are okay with it, great, if not stop it! I bet if you stop the sex you will not hear from him again. DO yourself a favor and let him go and find the love of your life who will treat you as you deserve. 1
bluechocolate Posted September 4, 2005 Posted September 4, 2005 You're not happy with what you have then leave. You can't change him. Right now he's just using you & you're letting him. Coming from a bloke, he won't respect you for it. 1
Author Lost&Confused Posted September 4, 2005 Author Posted September 4, 2005 Thanks for the really quick replies. I know my brain is telling me he is wrong for me and i shouldn't let it happen. But my heart sure does feel like I like him a lot. He actually started out our relationship saying that we were going to take it slow and no sex until I was divorced. That is what attracted me to him even more... they were aparently just words. Maybe his roommate is right and he is a gigalo!! And maybe those words were just to suck me in. I just dont want to spend my life being hesitant with men thinking they are all alike... I know all men are not alike!! Thanks again.
Author Lost&Confused Posted September 6, 2005 Author Posted September 6, 2005 Well I spoke to him today after not speaking all weekend. (he was out of town-cell phone is out of the question right?!) While talking today he mentioned moving away -AGAIN-he's mentioned this a few times! I told him that if that is what he wanted to do then he should just pack and move. I was nice and controlled about it... he said "you dont have to be ****ty!" ?? I am probably going to see him tonight (Tues 9/6) and END THIS DRAMA. I dont deserve the way he treats me... I know this is going to be very hard to do but I like me and I am NOT A FRIEND WITH BENEFITS! That may work for a lot of people but I liked marriage or at least a committed relationship. At this point, I am not even sure I am his friend, benefits or not. 1
Dean3922 Posted September 6, 2005 Posted September 6, 2005 He sounds like a player and he has you right where he wants you. You are chasing him and he likes that. Players try to be the prize. This is what they are taught. He knows how to push your buttons so if you don't like his treatment then you probably will have to end it. I don't see him putting up much of a fuss if you do. He probably has several other women as we type and is looking for more. 1
RecordProducer Posted September 6, 2005 Posted September 6, 2005 Your whole post sounds like you have no idea about what's going on. And I would think it's truly so hadn't I read your title that clearly says you're his FWB. Everything you described points out to that. The cold behavior after sex, the days he's not calling you, the arguments he avoids... You've been together for almost 3 months and you're not even in a relationship. Of course he is sweet to you when he wants sex. What do you expect, that he tells you straightforward at the door "Take your clothes off, I wanna do you then leave"? He also enjoys your company but it's based on and turns around sex. And that's not what you want. His lack of answers to your demands are his answer actually - he doesn't care, he is happy with things the way they are until someone else shows up in his life. You better leave now before he falls in love with someone else and dumps you. He is obviously not the one. It happens. Move on. You have no reason to love someone who doesn't love you and respect you. You can tell him openly that this is a one-sided relationship that you're not comfortable with or simply not answer his calls, just like he does it to you. Or you can choose to suffer. You don't possess a magic wand to make him love you. He is open about his lack of seriousness with you so he is not even an ass hole. 1
Author Lost&Confused Posted September 7, 2005 Author Posted September 7, 2005 Well... I spoke to him today and asked him if we could get together tonight... got the I'm so tired whine! Whatever! I told him that we really needed to talk and that if he wanted to keep seeing me to be at my house at 8. NO SHOW! I was sooooo shocked, not really!! So I texted him and told him it was over that I am not ok with being a FWB and that I deserve better than to have sex on his schedule. Also told him that if he ever wants to commit then call me. Boy did that suck!! I hate it. I feel better - kinda. But hopefully I can be strong tomorrow and the day after and the day after that. I really had fallen for him and my heart is hurting.
Merin Posted September 7, 2005 Posted September 7, 2005 Well... I spoke to him today and asked him if we could get together tonight... got the I'm so tired whine! Whatever! I told him that we really needed to talk and that if he wanted to keep seeing me to be at my house at 8. NO SHOW! I was sooooo shocked, not really!! So I texted him and told him it was over that I am not ok with being a FWB and that I deserve better than to have sex on his schedule. Also told him that if he ever wants to commit then call me. Boy did that suck!! I hate it. I feel better - kinda. But hopefully I can be strong tomorrow and the day after and the day after that. I really had fallen for him and my heart is hurting. Well IMO you did the right thing. This Guy sounds like an a**h***. Thank Goodness you didn't invest more of your time or energy into him. When he calls you (and he will) make it clear to him what you're okay with and what you're not, IMO you haven't expected anything unreasonable from this Dude and if he can't or won't meet you halfway then he needs to stay the hell away from you anyway. Hang in there
RecordProducer Posted September 7, 2005 Posted September 7, 2005 I told him that we really needed to talk and that if he wanted to keep seeing me to be at my house at 8. NO SHOW! Would you show up if someone told you to be at his house at 8 pm if you already told him you're tired? You were not even in a relationship! Welcome to the adults' world, you're old enough to know the rules - there are no rules! You've probably been married for too long and don't even realize how hurtful the dating scene may be. But you really can't demand from anyone to love you. When you get the picture, you can accept it or remove yourself from the quasi-relationship. For your own sake, keep in mind that the majority of teh guys will date you ONLY FOR SEX. And the reason why I am telling you thi is because you need to NOT take it personally whatsoever. It's happened to all of us. But the right guy will show up sooner or later. So I texted him and told him it was over that I am not ok with being a FWB and that I deserve better than to have sex on his schedule. Good. Also told him that if he ever wants to commit then call me Bad. 1) You're at nobody's disposal and no one will call you when he decides to commit. 2) If your common sense tells you that he doesn't love you then it's over. Next thing you will propose to him! Now cheer up and try some of the dating sites (if you haven't already). They are a lot of fun. Good luck and keep your chin up!
Houdini's Sweetie Posted September 9, 2005 Posted September 9, 2005 Quote from first post: "He didnt show up that night... I left him a message at 1:30AM that said that if I didn't see him by noon on Sun it was over... at 12:12 he called my cell phone... I was pissed and I didnt answer... he didnt call back. I texted him Tues to ask him if it was over or if he cared, no response... wed I texted him and said i was throwing away his toothbrush, no response. Friday I called and left a message that if it was really over I wanted to hear it from him in person." That first Sunday noon deadline should have been a terminal one, Lost&Confused. Yeah, it may be a little high-handed, but once you draw a line in the sand with this kind of person never, and I mean never, back down from it. I'm not one for ultimatums (I usually get the lie of the land and then simply walk away if someone consistently disappoints or hurts me), but any time that you say something will be over IF (insert insulting and/or hurtful behaviour here), you're better off sticking to your guns. At least you come out of it with some steely dignity. You will look like this: instead of this: Best wishes on moving onward and upward!
Author Lost&Confused Posted September 9, 2005 Author Posted September 9, 2005 HE CALLED!!! ...a few times but I was in a dead zone. So he texted me and said to "Answer your phone." When I did answer I was so careful not to sound excited or gratified in any way. RecordProducer you were right on... the first thing out of his mouth was "You mean to tell me you expected me to drive up to your house when I had told you a few hours before that how tired I was?" We talked for 45 minutes and I flat out told him that the way it was working was not going to work in the future... He told me again that he was hurt real bad in early 2004 and doesnt want to be hurt again. Dont worry... I only believed about 1/3 of what he was telling me. For the most part, it just sounded to me like he was telling me what I wanted to hear. He heard that I had a date last night too (small town!!).. He asked if we could get together later in the weekend because he has to go to Indy to his brothers house on Saturday and is spending the night. (The reason that goes with going to his brothers, I totally believe.) Anyway... I told him he could call me when he gets home. He said he MAY not have to go and would call me Saturday if things changed... told him I was bartending Sat night and wasn't about to pass up that cash. [[was thinking not even for him-but didn't say that!!]] Most of what he told me last night such as that when his job goes full time (more than 40 hours) then he is going to buy a house here and be ready to settle down more, he wants to trust again and be more open with me and wants to work on how he acts after sex and try to not be so distant and cold, I really want to believe him but I just kept telling him that he just had to show me by his actions and not words. He has to sort thru issues and I told him I would be patient and supportive but NO SEX for now. I just kept reiterating to him that our relationship was not going to just be about sex and that until I trust that it is mutual then NO SEX. He said ok that he would work on his actions but remained fairly vaigue in some of his answers. I am going to be cautious and firm on the no sex!! If we are not having sex and he still calls me then OK if he doesn't call then I know what he was after - right??
Recommended Posts