maestrok Posted August 8, 2018 Posted August 8, 2018 (edited) We are both late 20s but he's slightly younger than me. We've had amazing two dates. Strong chemistry. But we seem to be quite different. We have different relationship styles. I'm more formal. He's more informal. We have different communication expectations/styles. For example, he's very spontaneous. I strongly prefer planning. I'm trying to be understanding but spontaneity makes me nervous. I don't like things like this to drag on. I'd rather have it discussed and resolved or be done with it. Should I at least try to talk to him about all these differences that worry me? I like him enough to consider raising/talking about the issues. But at the same time, I generally believe that you can't change another person so not sure if talking will change anything. Moreover, we've only had 2 dates so he might be scared or think it's weird to have this kind of conversation. Any thoughts/advices? Edited August 8, 2018 by maestrok
smackie9 Posted August 8, 2018 Posted August 8, 2018 That's why you like him so much because he keeps you at the edge of your seat. let your hair down and give this spontaneity a try. He's the one driving the ship, so just sail along with him. RELAX.
Author maestrok Posted August 8, 2018 Author Posted August 8, 2018 Thanks - its not that kind of happy nervousness. It makes me feel insecure and I dont often feel that way. He’s spontaneous as in not making firm/concrete plans in advance. I feel like guys who dont make plans in advance usually are not very serious or excited about the girl...
coolheadal Posted August 8, 2018 Posted August 8, 2018 Thanks - its not that kind of happy nervousness. It makes me feel insecure and I dont often feel that way. He’s spontaneous as in not making firm/concrete plans in advance. I feel like guys who dont make plans in advance usually are not very serious or excited about the girl... I have to disagree with you on that last statement being a guy myself. We men tend to let the women make the choices. I started to make the choices and decide where we could go and where we are going to go. Sounds like a controller BF right could be but most women their man to lead on. Not to follow on. Doesn't have to do with not being serious with you or not. Really come on now. That's not what getting to know someone is all about. It's about things in common, can you accept him can he accept you. Do you feel that urge to compel you to him as he feels it for you. That's what your mind should be on not who's making plans in advance or not.
Lotsgoingon Posted August 8, 2018 Posted August 8, 2018 Definitely discuss ... Sometime in the next date is a fine time ... Might need to practice a bit to get clear ... Basically you can say I like you, have had fun, but I notice some big differences that make me think things aren't going to work between us. BTW: I love the neutral tone of your description of the differences ... so stay with that tone ... the issue is that your styles might be in conflict, might not mesh. Stay away from ... he SHOULD be more of a planner, etc. Then you can hear how he responds ... and take that into consideration about going further ... Note: there are people out there (they do exist!) who have one style ... who are completely OK with their partner having another style ... without any attempt at changing their partner's style. Definitely discuss ... and be open and non-apologetic ... The key is to stay in the neutral territory when describing his style (not inferior) and your style (not superior). Then you can have a productive, important conversation about whether you guys could really mesh ... and whether you could date someone who is not a planner without getting unhappy with the person. Great job to own up to these feelings and observations so early on! 2
Striver Posted August 9, 2018 Posted August 9, 2018 We are both late 20s but he's slightly younger than me. We've had amazing two dates. Strong chemistry. But we seem to be quite different. We have different relationship styles. I'm more formal. He's more informal. We have different communication expectations/styles. For example, he's very spontaneous. I strongly prefer planning. I'm trying to be understanding but spontaneity makes me nervous. I don't like things like this to drag on. I'd rather have it discussed and resolved or be done with it. Should I at least try to talk to him about all these differences that worry me? I like him enough to consider raising/talking about the issues. But at the same time, I generally believe that you can't change another person so not sure if talking will change anything. Moreover, we've only had 2 dates so he might be scared or think it's weird to have this kind of conversation. Any thoughts/advices? No, you should not try to talk to him about it. Way too early for a critique. Either be done with it or learn to roll with it. I would find a critique insulting at this stage. You haven't earned it. Maybe your discomfort indicates that the chemistry isn't there as much as you think it is. Or something else makes you uncomfortable. Or you're an overanalyzer that's being too picky. I have no way of telling. But if you can't be fun at this stage, just end it. No long explanations please.
hippychick3 Posted August 9, 2018 Posted August 9, 2018 Thanks - its not that kind of happy nervousness. It makes me feel insecure and I dont often feel that way. He’s spontaneous as in not making firm/concrete plans in advance. I feel like guys who dont make plans in advance usually are not very serious or excited about the girl... I feel the same way, and my dating experiences supported this. Your best bet is to make your own plans for yourself. Then when he expects you to be available last minute, you can say "Oh, I'm sorry. I already made plans. Can we do it another time?" Then let him make a plan for the next time. He will learn that he has to make plans ahead of time, if you're going to be available. If he doesn't, he isn't that interested. Live YOUR life and observe his behaviors. This early in the game is about observation, not trying to change the other person. 1
Author maestrok Posted August 9, 2018 Author Posted August 9, 2018 Well yeah ideally I would bring it up naturally when I see him again but this spontaneous guy wasnt making plans (yet) so I just texted asking him to meet to talk and voila no response yet. Sad
ExpatInItaly Posted August 9, 2018 Posted August 9, 2018 Well yeah ideally I would bring it up naturally when I see him again but this spontaneous guy wasnt making plans (yet) so I just texted asking him to meet to talk and voila no response yet. Sad Give him a chance to respond. How much time has elapsed since you texted him?
PRW Posted August 9, 2018 Posted August 9, 2018 I have to disagree with you on that last statement being a guy myself. We men tend to let the women make the choices. That tends to be what many men do, but shouldn't. The guy should be making the plans. Women are turned off by the indecisiveness. The women may make suggestions of things they would like to do, then it is up to you to pay attention to that and work it into the plans in later dates. However to the OP, sometimes "the plan" is to be spontaneous. I have on occasion told the woman that tonight "the plan is to not have a plan".
hippychick3 Posted August 9, 2018 Posted August 9, 2018 That tends to be what many men do, but shouldn't. The guy should be making the plans. Women are turned off by the indecisiveness. The women may make suggestions of things they would like to do, then it is up to you to pay attention to that and work it into the plans in later dates. However to the OP, sometimes "the plan" is to be spontaneous. I have on occasion told the woman that tonight "the plan is to not have a plan". This would be fine as long as the woman knew ahead of time they even had a date. I certainly don’t need to know exactly the plan in advance as long as I knew we’d be seeing each other for sure. I believe the OP is saying that he doesn’t even make a solid plan to see her at all in advance.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 9, 2018 Posted August 9, 2018 This would be fine as long as the woman knew ahead of time they even had a date. I certainly don’t need to know exactly the plan in advance as long as I knew we’d be seeing each other for sure. I believe the OP is saying that he doesn’t even make a solid plan to see her at all in advance. Exactly. Not having any idea when you'll next see someone is frustrating and can certainly suggest a lack of interest from the other party.
Author maestrok Posted August 9, 2018 Author Posted August 9, 2018 Give him a chance to respond. How much time has elapsed since you texted him? Earlier in morning. He did eventualy repond later in the afternoon. Saying “not sure about today will let you know” the silence again.
hippychick3 Posted August 9, 2018 Posted August 9, 2018 Earlier in morning. He did eventualy repond later in the afternoon. Saying “not sure about today will let you know” the silence again. The guy has very low interest. Just move on. 2
Gaeta Posted August 9, 2018 Posted August 9, 2018 Two dates only and already issues to bring up? NAH, move on to next. No matter your life style or your style of communication when a man is interested he acts interested. This one isn't. 1
preraph Posted August 9, 2018 Posted August 9, 2018 Well, I'm with you on the spontaneous type. I think what we call spontaneous is often just inconsiderate and narcissistic and, in the world of dating, "call her if I can't find someone better to do." No, don't talk. Act. If he asks you out at the last minute, tell him, "Sorry, I have plans. How about the next night?" That way he knows you're interested but he also learns he never gets to see you unless he asks in advance. Just don't give in to it. You can't change people, but you can quickly find out their interest level by simply saying no to last-minute crap.
MountainGirl111 Posted August 9, 2018 Posted August 9, 2018 OP, it sounds to me ... you may be more afraid of the spontaneity than anything else. And it's too early in the relationship to be attempting to actually change someone into what you're more comfortable with. Here's how I would approach if you decide to bring it up. Say something like, "Do you like spontaneity?" Spontaneity can be fun...so be open to it. If you're uncomfortable with it, maybe that's something you can work on with yourself. You may feel a great need to be in control of things. That's nothing to be ashamed of, but it's also good to be flexible and give up some of the control. I had a friend that used to drive me crazy with how she had to plan everything out in minute detail. Not saying you're like that, but it's just something to think about. On the other hand...if you're dating someone who is 2 hours late for everything that can get old really quick!
FMW Posted August 9, 2018 Posted August 9, 2018 As preraph said, when someone is so "spontaneous" that they can't bother to give me any advanced notice of when they want to get together then it screams to me that they are waiting to see if something or someone else better comes along, and if not then I'm the default plan. No thank you. 1
Juha Posted August 10, 2018 Posted August 10, 2018 I would say he is just stringing you along and are only an option to him. He makes plans with you last minute because nothing better has come along. He is keeping his options open for someone or something better before he contacts you. Which is why he said he would get back to you when you asked him to do something Never accept a last minute date when you are first dating someone. It sends the wrong message and it lets them know you will be there whenever they want. If he asks you last minute just tell him sorry I have plans and give an alternative day. If he does not accept then you are an option and you should thus move make him an option and date others. Once had a girl that I was seeing lightly, nothing serious although I wanted it to be serious. We went out a few times then she started pulling the crap of when I asked her out on say a Tuesday for that weekend she would ask what we would be doing, At that time I did not know yet. She would tell me I will let you know. Saturday come I have not heard from her, I made plans with someone else since I never heard back from her. Who texts me Saturday at 4 PM to see what I am doing that night? Yup, that girl. Told her I already had plans and that she needs to make plans with me in advance if she wanted to do something She pulled that 3-4 more times and did not get it, I stopped asking her out after the 1st time and she finally faded away since I would never spend time with her last minute. Have to respect yourself 1
coolheadal Posted August 10, 2018 Posted August 10, 2018 That tends to be what many men do, but shouldn't. The guy should be making the plans. Women are turned off by the indecisiveness. The women may make suggestions of things they would like to do, then it is up to you to pay attention to that and work it into the plans in later dates. However to the OP, sometimes "the plan" is to be spontaneous. I have on occasion told the woman that tonight "the plan is to not have a plan". Really anything goes today. No set rules anymore. Where do we go syndrome? Basically that's the plan. She'll say where we going you as the man would say we're going here, there, anywhere. Woman might want to go somewhere different. compromise is the best policy!
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