ThoughtsOnFire Posted August 8, 2018 Posted August 8, 2018 (edited) Dear LoveShack members, I have a few things that I would like you to elaborate/vent on, I hope to get honest advice and/or feedback from you guys. Table of contents: 1) General information about how my relationship was 2) Did my psychologist give me wrong advice? 3) Is it my fault? 4) Did she really care for me? 1) General information about my how my relationship was; Me (21 M) my ex (21 F) I first came across my ex girlfriend two years ago on a social media platform (Instagram), I decided to message her almost instantly, she was really beautiful but I guess I wanted to find out how her personality was, she replied as quick as a blink and we clicked straight away. We decided to go on a date after two weeks of talking to each other, I saw her and we both fell in love with each other. Our relationship was never rocky until we hit around the one year mark, we started arguing (mostly caused by her), she started developing a habit of assuming things, she argued with me over a guy that I had a conflict with a few years back, this argument went on for around two to three days until I gave up and we made an agreement that she would only have minimal contact with him as they're family friends. Things started to get worse, I told her that I might be going on a Thailand trip with a few mates, she instantly rejected it, and said no. I asked why she was against me going on a trip with mates? she answered in simple terms ''I know what goes down in Thailand'', I was stunned by her reply, I asked her if she trusted me, she told me she did but her actions didn't prove it. nothing changed from here onward, on/off arguing/normal happy times. 2) Did my psychologist give me wrong advice? In June 2018, I experienced a traumatic event, It left crippling in anxiety/depression. After this experience we postponed our engagement to December in 2019, which she agreed to. My condition was not getting better, I was not able to sleep until 10:00 to 11:00 AM in the morning, I was constantly plagued with obsessive thoughts, day an night, this phase lasted around two months, and my ex stuck by me. I recovered about 80% from this phase, it left me with one symptom of depression and that was 'emotional bluntness', I felt numb all the damn time, my smiles and laugh were all fake. I confessed this to my psychologist because it was becoming a problem for me and I was slipping back into the spiral. He told me that it is very common to be feeling dull because of the traumatic event I had experienced. He told me that I need time off from everything and everyone for a period of time (90 days minimum), in simple terms he told me not to have any commitments for a period of time, I told him my girlfriend would be against this, he replied back and said: if she really cares/loves you she would know you're doing this to get better, and she would not view as a break up. I decided to take his advice, I was really committed to get better. I told my ex partner that I have a symptom called emotional bluntness and its linked with depression, I explained to her that I cant feel love towards her but mentally I knew how much she meant to me. She told me to cut out the bullshi** and tell her the truth, I told her that I am telling the truth multiple times. I remember she kept saying ''I do not get how you could lose feelings just like that'', she put me in situation where I could not explain how I was feeling any longer. I explained my feelings to her in diagrams, pictures everything so she could just understand, but no. She still did not want to understand. I told her my psychologist suggested that I should take some time off everything to reconnect with myself again, I told her my psychologist mentioned that I should cut all ties with everything for a minimum of ninety days, but I told her I still wanted to talk her during the time I was going into self recovery, but I was not going to absorbed in the relationship as much, I told her once I feel better we can go back to how we were, I mentioned to her that this was not a breakup but it was a temporary tool for me to get better. I asked her to think about it and that the choice is hers, she contacted me two days later and told me that ''all my feelings aside, I cant do this'' and she pretty much implied that she is not going to stick with me until I get better. I started shaking instantly because I was always there for her during bad/good days, whenever she needed a shoulder cry on. I done a lot for our relationship, but I got sick and she left me when all I needed was a little bit of distancing not for the generic reasons but to recover. so after reading all that did I do wrong by taking the advice of my psychologist? 3) Is it my fault? Am I the one to be blamed for this breakup because of the things I am going through? I understand I have problems and she has her own life and things to deal with, but did I deserve this? what else could I have done to make it better, maybe? I took the advice of a mental health professional and my relationship collapsed.. 4) Did she really care for me? This has been stuck in my mind all this time, I was there for her since day one, I was there for her when she had a major car accident, I never left her when she was in a situation of agony, why did she leave me? I understand I asked her for time, but I was willing to still speak to her after I was warned that I should not If I want to recover. Thanks for reading, I hope to get some feedback from you all, ThoughtsOnFire Edited August 8, 2018 by ThoughtsOnFire
MountainGirl111 Posted August 8, 2018 Posted August 8, 2018 (edited) Let's see...you're both 21. Highly likely she simply does not know how to deal with mental illness. Even many older folks don't get it. Sad. Some people sort of panic and jump to conclusions that a "break" of 3 months equals a break up. You're finding out these things about her now, which is overall a good thing. You also know how she feels about you going to Thailand with buddies. You're both still very young. Your mental health is paramount, really. You have to take care of yourself and get healthy or everything in your life will be impacted by it. Trauma is trauma. Some folks don't understand trauma until they have dealt with it first hand their selves...and they lack empathy for other who have been traumatized. Many relationships do collapse because of different reasons. There are no guarantees a relationship will survive the various tests. And, this is a test. You're learning how she copes and what her reactions are to stuff. You're learning how capable she is [or isn't] of being supportive when you're going through a rough time. She just wasn't there for you when you needed it the most and that really bites. Edited August 8, 2018 by MountainGirl111
Author ThoughtsOnFire Posted August 8, 2018 Author Posted August 8, 2018 MountainGirl111 Thank you for your feedback, yes I am 21. But unfortunately that does not clear me from the list of being heartbroken, especially after investing a long period of my life into a relationship. Yes it is ideal to be focusing on myself as you have mentioned, but I would be more interested in finding out if I am the one to be blamed for the breakup etc. Thank you for taking the time to reply back.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 8, 2018 Posted August 8, 2018 I think a combination of factors led to the break-up, OP. You're both very young, and truthfully, probably not ready to settle down forever. She also sounds immature if her response to you going on holiday was to shut it down. As I gather, you didn't request her permission (rightfully so!), and certainly didn't need her approval to have a vacation with your friends. You are correct that she was demonstrating little trust in you, so that is another issue. And what was this about another guy she was in contact with? Having said that, I don't think you can reasonably have expected her to hit pause on the relationship for 90 days and cut all communication with you. Likening it to a car accident isn't exactly a fair comparison, because I am guessing she didn't essentially ask for a break from you during that time. I don't disagree you need time to heal from your trauma and I am sure your doctor has good intentions in advising you to focus on you, but expecting someone as young and inexperienced as your girlfriend to be completely understanding and wait for 3 months or more was not very realistic, as I see it. Many who have not dealt with trauma or mental illness would struggle with a request like that, really. I think your girlfriend was hurt by your request for a break, yes, but I also sense she's just not at a place in her life to take on something this serious. I do wish you well on your path to recovery though, OP. I hope you start to feel better soon. Perhaps when that time comes, you could reconnect with her.
Author ThoughtsOnFire Posted August 8, 2018 Author Posted August 8, 2018 (edited) ExpatInItaly First of all thank you for your genuine reply, I am glad that you have spotted some levels of immaturity from her end. The “other guy” was her close family friend, usually I don’t have issues with my girlfriend(s) associating with other men as long it doesn’t exceed the boundaries. This guy was a trash talker, he destroyed a lot of my friends relationships in the past, so when I realised she was chatting with him, I asked her to stop immediately as I knew how he was. She pretty much argued with me for three whole days about this guy, which I found odd.. because is she dating me or him? Oh, and she asked me to cut connections with all girls, even my university mates which I happily did. It was not a break as I have stated in the post, I was not pausing anything at all actually, I told her multiple times that I was still willing to message her on a daily basis to stay in touch while I was in recovery. Thank you for your reply, ThoughtsOnFire Edited August 8, 2018 by ThoughtsOnFire
MountainGirl111 Posted August 8, 2018 Posted August 8, 2018 MountainGirl111 Thank you for your feedback, yes I am 21. But unfortunately that does not clear me from the list of being heartbroken, especially after investing a long period of my life into a relationship. Yes it is ideal to be focusing on myself as you have mentioned, but I would be more interested in finding out if I am the one to be blamed for the breakup etc. Thank you for taking the time to reply back. Sorry for your heartbreak. I didn't mean to imply you're too young to be going through this. You're not. When you desperately tried to explain your needs to her at the time....it's possible, even probable she didn't hear/see everything you were trying to convey. That's because of different factors....including the fact that her EMOTIONS are tied up with you...so it may have been difficult for her to fathom what it was you were trying to get through to her. All she may have heard was ".....cut ties with everything for 90 days....." and then the rest was lost on her somehow. When people have feelings for others, it can be difficult to really see things for how they are....they are looking through a filter, if you will....they may have a VERY hard time being objective. Where is Spock when we need him?! It might be helpful to remember that you BOTH invested a long time in the relationship and so she couldn't understand why you would sort of cut her off like that after so much ground the two of you already covered. Not saying you cut her off, but that may be how she took it. I don't see this as your fault. It's unfortunate....and I don't know what type trauma you experienced. It's been my experience that many people simply do not understand what all constitutes "trauma" and how PTSD can develop and come back to bite you later if it's not dealt with somehow. I think your psychologist is out for your best interests, I really do.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 8, 2018 Posted August 8, 2018 Oh, and she asked me to cut connections with all girls, even my university mates which I happily did. Why were you happy to do this? It's not a good thing. It was not a break as I have stated in the post, I was not pausing anything at all actually, I told her multiple times that I was still willing to message her on a daily basis to stay in touch while I was in recovery. It is still a big ask to request you not see each other for months, OP. That is more or less hitting pause on the relationship; it is very difficult to sustain a relationship through messaging, particularly when she is too young and inexperienced to understand what you are going through. Neither of you is wrong, necessarily. You're doing what you need to do in order to heal from your trauma. It's her prerogative to not agree to the terms of that. It hurts and it's disappointing, but you're both within your rights to recognize you can't fulfill the others' needs and go your separate ways. 1
basil67 Posted August 8, 2018 Posted August 8, 2018 (edited) I'm sorry you've been through all of this ThoughtsOnFire. I can't begin to imagine. MountainGirl's comment helped me understand what you're talking about - when you're talking about feeling emotionally blunt, are you meaning in the realms of PTSD? However I will be honest and say that I think your psychologist's advice was poor. I'm not sure how removing you from those who love and care about you would aid your recovery. And short of you being in an acute care residential facility it's unrealistic to expect a partner to take a 90 day break from a relationship. Some people are talking about her young age being a factor, but as an older person, I couldn't imagine being OK with it either. There is also the possibility that she was tiring of the relationship anyway. I'm sure she did care for you, but feelings change over time. Edited August 8, 2018 by basil67 1
MountainGirl111 Posted August 8, 2018 Posted August 8, 2018 Your case reminds me a little of someone I used to work with. He was awesome; a team player; we all loved working with him. Great sense of humor. Easy to be around without feeling AWKWARD. But....something changed in him....we noticed it. He no longer seemed happy. He had a flat affect. He lost weight. He seemed "blah". No emotion. And I thought, what the hell happened to him? He didn't used to be that way. I never got the chance to find that out, but I wondered....wouldn't surprise me if there was some trauma or deep sorrow.
MountainGirl111 Posted August 8, 2018 Posted August 8, 2018 However I will be honest and say that I think your psychologist's advice was poor. I'm not sure how removing you from those who love and care about you would aid your recovery. And short of you being in an acute care residential facility it's unrealistic to expect a partner to take a 90 day break from a relationship. Some people are talking about her young age being a factor, but as an older person, I couldn't imagine being OK with it either. . I didn't look at it that way, basil. But it does make sense. OP, you felt she wasn't there for you when you were going through the tough time, but she may have felt you were shutting her out.
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