My girlfriend and I broke up after being together 11 months

[Teknoe]

Honestly, been wrestling since June with whether she was the right one or not. She wasn't quite who I thought she was later in our dating relationship as I thought in the beginning. Little things added up (not to mention weight gain) that made me lose attraction. I know some of it is shallow but it is what it is. To be honest, I never found her 100% attractive. I thought she had a sweet and fun personality, and it made up for me not being completely into her looks-wise.

 

So over time you get to know someone and stuff about her bothered me:

 

-Cheating on a Finals exam in college (her sister took the test for her; they had the same class).

 

-She was really ghetto and proud of it... this didn't come into the relationship until 6-7 months in after we got comfortable with each other. I have ghetto friends and I don't mind people who act ghetto to a certain degree, but not as my partner. Just my personal preference, that is all.

 

-When I first met her, I would call her a kid at heart. However, big difference between kid at heart and childish. She's more of the latter than the former. It bugged me, sometimes I just wished she would have a real conversation with me instead of referring to memes and making sound effects. I didn't notice this until our first trip over spring break where I spent four straight nights with her. She was acting a bit loopy and that was the first time I thought "hmmmm."

 

So I had my doubts but not the courage to bring it up. I figured I just turned 35, maybe this is just the relationship going from honeymoon to comfort stage, she's better than all my dates from the last couple years (not the best thing to say I know, as opposed to "She flat out rocks my world"), so I was secretly relieved when she told me she had to talk Monday night.

 

In the end, we ended things amicably and decided there's someone out there who would be a better fit for each of us, and that we were better friends than partners. She cried. I didn't because I kind of expected it, but I didn't sleep at all last night and got a bit teary eyed when I thought about the good times we did share and how they're all but a memory now.

 

Still, I know this is for the best. I'm in decent spirits, but probably need a few more days to process. I consider this to be a mutual break up even though she initiated it. She had the guts to call it off while I was hoping things might get better but we fell into a rut and then it hit us one day that while we could probably forge a decent marriage and family life, why settle for decent when there's a better match out there?

 

I'm glad we ended this before marriage and a couple kids, that's for sure.

 

What's next? Refocus on school which is coming up fast and losing the 30 pounds I gained these past 11 months, lol. Life goes on. Hopefully my next relationship I will meet a more suitable match and that one will click. I think the worst thing about me and my ex toward the end was that despite all the time we spent together on the weekend, toward the end I was feeling oddly and terribly lonely. Never felt that deep emotional connection toward the end that I felt was there in the beginning (and middle). Weirdest feeling to meet up with your GF and just feel so empty inside. That's when you know something's off in the relationship. We went through the motions these last few months.

 

I'll be alright. Feel free to ask any questions or share your thoughts. It does hurt, every breakup does to some degree even when mutual.

[ExpatInItaly]

This break-up was for the best.

 

You discovered you are not compatible, so there is no point moving forward.

 

I am curious about something, though. What do you mean when you say she "acts ghetto", exactly? I realize this has several definitions, so I am interested to hear what she was doing or saying that would fall under this label.

[Teknoe]

This break-up was for the best.

 

You discovered you are not compatible, so there is no point moving forward.

 

I am curious about something, though. What do you mean when you say she "acts ghetto", exactly? I realize this has several definitions, so I am interested to hear what she was doing or saying that would fall under this label.

 

 

I wouldn't say we were completely incompatible, but we were definitely not 100% compatible. Could we have made it work if we both really wanted to? I'm sure, yeah, and we could be relatively happy but I doubt either one of us would ever have been satisfied... which is why we are no longer together.

 

Her tone and word choice was a bit ghetto at times. She told me in advance that she is a bit ghetto, but I was too wrapped up in the new glow of the relationship to really care at that time. But the more time went on, the more the way she talked rubbed me the wrong way ever so slightly. Like, it certainly didn't make her any more attractive to me and definitely turned me off a bit.

 

Just talking real fast and in a very loud tone, "Like s____, they know I don't play that. I ain't never gonna take that, s________!"

 

After a while it just became a little too much for me. I don't mind if my partner cusses once in a while, but the more time we spent together, the more she dropped f bombs. I'm just not used to that and would prefer my GF to be less crass. And she knew that. We both didn't fully accept each other the way we were, so we had to cut it. Doesn't make her a bad girl or me a bad guy. We just weren't the best match. Maybe 65% compatible but you want something as close to 100 as possible. Over time, that 65 felt weaker and weaker. Or maybe it went from a 90 to an 85, then 85 to 80 and so forth.

[d0nnivain]

All break ups come with some sadness & loss. Intellectually you know this was the right thing.

 

When you are ready get back out there.

[Eternal Sunshine]

You did the right thing. Lot of people would just move forward with getting married and having a family regardless, especially those that didn't have great luck in dating so far.

 

 

 

I left or there was a mutual break-up every time I felt like you describe. While I am close to 40 and single, I don't have any regrets. There is nothing worse than feeling deep loneliness while in a relationship.

 

 

Hopefully this experience will give you more confidence with the ladies

[JuneL]

Interesting both of you had gained quite a bit of weight during the relationship. Did you just feel comfortable and forget to eat healthy and exercise? You explained why you lost attraction for her. Just curious: Why did she lose attraction for you?

[Teknoe]

You did the right thing. Lot of people would just move forward with getting married and having a family regardless, especially those that didn't have great luck in dating so far.

 

Hopefully this experience will give you more confidence with the ladies

 

Regarding your first paragraph, for sure. She and I were on that path. Could have had a decent marriage and family, but with no real passion or zest. Get stuck in the mud and just trudge along because it's all we've known. Thankfully, she had the courage to call it off, and I was secretly relieved. I just knew something was off in my gut, and I think you know when something is fixable or even worth fixing, and in this case the answer was NO on both counts.

 

As for your last paragraph, for sure! I just got out of an 11 month relationship so hopefully I will use what I learned (fresh muscle memory and all) to do better with the next one whenever she comes around. But it'll be nice to say I was in an 11 month relationship not long ago when asked when was my last relationship. This was really my 2nd girlfriend, with my 1st being way back in 2004 lol. I had a brief "girlfriend" thing in late 2015 but I called that one off after four very intense days (it's somewhere in my post history if you're curious to check that out -- I suspect that girl had BPD; she once told me her brother called her bipolar).

 

It's like a resume for a job interview. Last job experience from 14 years ago? Iffy. Last job experience 2017-2018? Alright, let's keep talking.

[Teknoe]

Interesting both of you had gained quite a bit of weight during the relationship. Did you just feel comfortable and forget to eat healthy and exercise? You explained why you lost attraction for her. Just curious: Why did she lose attraction for you?

 

Yeah she loved eating, and we ate out a lot. I normally don't eat out a lot on the weekends because I end up being something of a homebody, staying in after a long work week and doing my own things around the house and around town if I'm running errands. Because I'm usually by myself on the weekends, obviously I'm not going to restaurants consuming thousands of calories. I work out 4 times a week and try to eat relatively healthy (with maybe a cheat meal or two... OK sometimes 3-4 when I'm being not as good) throughout the week. But with her, it was an excuse for us to just pig out. For example we'd order 3 dishes with the reasoning that we can share and sample 3 different dishes. Obviously, that is not the best way to go when you want to lose or even maintain your weight.

 

I definitely still worked out 4x a week when I was in the relationship. But that didn't matter when I was eating so badly on the weekends. And I admit I also tended to eat badly during the week when it was just me. Grabbing burgers and pizza and before I knew it, we both gained a lot of weight. We always talked about losing it, but we never changed our habits and after a while it became empty words.

 

I'm sure my weight gain was a reason for her loss of attraction to me. But here's a personal glimpse into how things really hit the fan.

 

My birthday weekend with her was a big fat bust. There were cracks in the relationship before 2 weeks ago, but that was the week where I guess it was inevitable this wasn't going to work out.

 

We met up Thursday late afternoon. She forgot to bring my bday gift as she promised she would. Now she is a forgetful person but forgetting my bday gift? That says a lot. I would never forget to bring her bday gift, that's for sure.

 

That night we went to the fair and her pregnant bestie was in town for a baby shower. Suddenly my GF was distant and didn't hold hands. We normally hold hands whenever we go out. But walking to the entrance, she didn't initiate and I felt an awkwardness in the air. It was like she didn't want to, or at worst, was too embarrassed to. Keep in mind at this point I already felt she was a bit distant for a few weeks now and that our texts and whatnot were getting very mundane.

 

She and I don't take a lot of photos, especially after the weight gain. But she suddenly became very photo happy with her BFF. And I get it. Girls react differently to taking pictures especially if they haven't seen one another in forever. But what hurt me was she never once asked me if I wanted to jump in. I became Mr. Pic Taker and I felt not only left out, but that I was barely even an acquaintance tagging along. She just didn't stop to once consider my feelings. I call it being mindful, thoughtful. She really wasn't. But then again, this is her first relationship at 29 years old, so you take these things into consideration. But even so, at some point it becomes common decency.

 

Later that night I won her a stuffed animal but got duped into paying more money than I should have. The lady hosting the game called me a keeper and my GF didn't respond in kind like "yup he is" or "I'm definitely lucky." I get she was mad that I didn't listen to her to stop playing, but that was another telltale sign. I remember feeling very hurt in that instance, and I realized this was a sinking ship. There was just an air of awkwardness. I just felt like we were a weak couple because a strong couple the girl would have reciprocated.

 

But whatever, I told myself to be strong and not so sensitive.

 

Friday now. My bday. My friends couldn't make it so it was just me and my GF. We went to a night market and stood in line 2+ hours for some lousy lobster mac. But it was the standing around that more issues came to the light. We were both a little out of it. And all around us were couples of various degrees. Younger couples, older couples, families.. but they all seemed to be having fun. Laughing. Holding one another. We stood there awkwardly, and had trouble talking to each other those 2+ hours. We just became that couple that didn't click and had to force things to click. We weren't like this, but after time maybe we exhausted topics to talk about and had no real foundation to stand on. I just remember it being horribly awkward and uncomfortable. Not once did she put her arm around me or embrace me like other GFs did to their BFs that night. It just became apparent that night that we weren't a strong couple. We don't take pictures anymore, we don't even really click anymore... we felt more like two friends but even friends find a way to have fun! Honestly, the whole experience was a bust. I guess we just drifted apart. Also, she wore an outfit that I honestly didn't think looked good on her. I felt bad that she put on her makeup and such for so long and I couldn't even tell her that I think she looks nice. I didn't want to lie, even though maybe I should have. It also hit me then that I was no longer really attracted to her, looks wise or now personality wise. I felt bad for feeling those ways but I remember just wanting to go home.

 

Saturday was her BFF's baby shower and this was the end of the line for me. My GF was hosting the baby shower games so I get she's busy but actions speak louder than words. She introduced me to a few people (the ones she knew) as Tek. I noticed she never once said boyfriend, and that hurt me. I would introduce her as my girlfriend and not just as ___. But whatever, maybe not her style. But like I said, actions speak louder than words. She basically left me alone that entire evening (other than dinner when she sat next to me) and I didn't know anyone. It was super awkward and there were times where I made my way near her, but she was too caught up to make me feel like I was there. For example, not once did she pull me in and say something like

 

"So glad you're here with me!"

 

or

 

"Thanks again for coming to this with me"

 

Or even a kiss on the cheek or something. Anything affectionate!

 

I felt like a friend. Even worse, an acquaintance who tagged along or awkwardly crashed the party. Not once did she make me feel like I was her boyfriend or that she was thankful I was there.

 

Even during the game answer checking part, she passed out the game cards to a whole bunch of people to grade, I was right there and she ignored me. I just wanted to do something, CONTRIBUTE. So I felt really left out. (She later explained she didn't want me to have to do any work but I thought that was a pretty lousy excuse/reason. I just felt so ignored that whole evening).

 

I actually cried on the car ride home. It was the combination of Thursday-Friday-Saturday boiling over. I never felt so alone despite being with her physically. It was the weirdest and most uncomfortable feeling and realization I've had in a long time. I spent 3 days with my GF, it should have been blissful but I was oddly lonely and quite frankly, a bit miserable. We reached a point in our relationship where we were just middling. We weren't some great happy couple but we weren't so miserable that it was clearly evident a breakup was in order. We were both just treading water... possibly the worst place for a couple to be.

 

Thankfully, a week later she initiated the break up. I was secretly relieved, hugged her, told her sorry it didn't work out and that things were going to be OK for both of us going forward.

 

The weird thing is, at least I communicated to her and I tried to make this work/improve. She had her issues which she finally only explained DURING the break up. So for her, she didn't even give "us" a chance. And that tells me everything I need to know. I'm not going to stay with someone who doesn't want to be with me. It makes zero sense. So I was relieved to let her go, but I guess there's a part of me that wonders if we should have tried to work things out. 11 months is a decent time but I guess we just hit a point where there was no improving this or rather, it wasn't worth it when the chemistry is not naturally there. Better to break up and find someone more compatible.

 

But it feels weird that she's essentially ghosted me following the breakup. After 11 months, I thought she would at least be visible in some regard. But I also understand. She told me she hopes we can be friends in time but for now she's not going to contact me for a good while because she needs to heal and get over this relationship that is no more. I understand her... but it feels weird to go from hanging out at her place the night before with seemingly no drama to now I'm breaking up with you. Hell, the night before, we were on her bed. I was watching a baseball game and she was watching YouTube and she contently said to me "This is a preview of the future." I was like yeah I guess so huh? with a smile on my face. I remember we were both content in that moment. So the next day her crying and breaking up... it was such a 180.

 

But obviously, being her first relationship, perhaps communication wasn't her strength and is something she is still learning.

 

Oh well. No hard feelings and I definitely feel a lot better today than I did Tuesday. The day after it hit me hard and I was sad. But today I feel rejuvenated and that the future is bright. Gonna find someone who loves me for me and can appreciate me for who I am.

[JuneL]

Thanks for the long reply, OP. Have you met her friends and family? Reading your story, I just got this feeling that she’s a little embarrassed to introduce you as her bf to her good friends, perhaps due to your weight gain? I know this makes her seem very superficial, but I just couldn’t shake this feeling, especially since you mentioned she’s not taking pics with you anymore.

[Teknoe]

Thanks for the long reply, OP. Have you met her friends and family? Reading your story, I just got this feeling that she’s a little embarrassed to introduce you as her bf to her good friends, perhaps due to your weight gain? I know this makes her seem very superficial, but I just couldn’t shake this feeling, especially since you mentioned she’s not taking pics with you anymore.

 

The possibility crossed my mind but a couple things:

 

1. She's bigger than I am (she's 5'2" 200 pounds)

 

2. She has introduced me to her family and friends before, but she acted like my GF during those previous times. Sitting there with me, holding my hand, talking with me. I get she hosted the games this last time but it was a hard 180. When I told her how I felt about her not introducing me as her boyfriend or even to more people, she reasoned that a lot of them were her BFF's friends and that she didn't know everyone

 

3. She said we stopped taking pics because BOTH of us gained weight and we knew the photos stopped coming out looking good. Even then, I knew it was a bad sign because I see overweight couples looking super happy (and cute) in photos all the time. I think it was more a loss of overall attraction and effort into the relationship (admittedly on both of us, not just her).

 

I don't know if she's superficial. But I know my weight gain didn't do me any favors. She called me "a bit more sensitive than she thought I was" and that was another negative factor. She told me she's worried because she has a lot of family friend outings and she's worried I'll get my feelings hurt at such parties if she's not always with me. I countered by pointing to past family friend outings where I wasn't always with her but she at least acted like she wanted to be with me. She didn't have much of a response to that so I think she was withholding the truth from me at the time that the difference between late May and late July was she simply lost attraction. She did admit June was when she started questioning our longevity, and that was a good month and a half before what happened at the baby shower.

 

I don't know if it's superficial so much as it is personal preferences. All I know is, she didn't want to make it work, she thought she could find a better match and someone else would make a better match for me. I'm good with that. No need to fight over something if both people aren't willing to fight together. I think we simply reached the end of that season and 11 months was as long as we could go before realizing we were only killing time and ultimately wasting each other's time.

 

Still, I'm glad I was her first boyfriend. I hope her 2nd BF will be the right guy for her needs.

[JuneL]

Okay, so she’s in the solid obese range. It seems that you picked up the unhealthy eating habit from her. I understand some people can gain a lot of weight due to certain medical conditions. But one of my friends has almost the same height/weight as your ex, and she just loves eating, especially foods high in bad fat and bad carbs. It’s actually pretty easy to see where she got her extra weight from.

[Teknoe]

Okay, so she’s in the solid obese range. It seems that you picked up the unhealthy eating habit from her. I understand some people can gain a lot of weight due to certain medical conditions. But one of my friends has almost the same height/weight as your ex, and she just loves eating, especially foods high in bad fat and bad carbs. It’s actually pretty easy to see where she got her extra weight from.

 

Yeah she and her sisters are all pretty big. I liked her at 180 though, and I'm sure she would look even better at 165-170. Didn't need her to be 135 or even 150. But she gained weight and got in the high 190s, probably 200 at some point and made a post on FB stating she'll always be fat because she loves food too much. She does cook and eat a lot of greasy fried fatty foods.

 

To be fair to my ex, while I probably did pick up some bad eating habits during the 11 months she and I were together, I've always been a fast food consumer so I think being with her only opened the flood gates on a tendency I already had (but obviously in better moderation without her).

 

So Tuesday I felt kinda crappy. Was mourning the break up and the good times. But today however, much peppier with an eye toward the future. Gonna diet and get back to my 175 weight (currently at 212... I hadn't gone over 200 in YEARS). I'm a good catch, and I'm going to keep doing me. Someone will come along hopefully. But I'm doing this for my own quality of life.

[Teknoe]

I've asked friends whether I should text my ex happy birthday or not when she turns 30 a month from now. We broke up a few days ago and because her bday is coming up soon, I was leaning toward texting.

 

Some friends say yes, I should, because it's a month away as opposed to like 6-7 months. But only text this year and move on. It shows maturity, etc.

 

Other friends say no. She initiated the break up (even though I felt the same way) and the last thing she wants on her bday is to hear from her ex.

 

I did email her a day after the break up some final thoughts. During our break up she told me she won't be talking to me for a while because she wants to move on. She defriended me and everything on FB. In my email I told her this will be my last contact with her until she reaches out whenever she feels ready to talk again as just friends. So in a way, I think if she texts me between now and her bday, I will text her happy bday. But if she doesn't reach out, then I won't either, even if it is her 30th bday.

 

Thoughts and opinions? Which camp are you in -- to send a simple short text or no? As for how I feel, I'm pretty much over her. Like I said, the break up feelings were mutual and if anything, I miss the IDEA of her more than I do her. We didn't have the best emotional connection and just fell into a rut toward the end where we were doing activities sort of like zombies, just going through the motions because we met up the week before, and the week before that, etc.

[kendahke]

I wouldn't bother. It's not going to go the way you deep down fantasize it'll go.

[JuneL]

I did email her a day after the break up some final thoughts. During our break up she told me she won't be talking to me for a while because she wants to move on. She defriended me and everything on FB. In my email I told her this will be my last contact with her until she reaches out whenever she feels ready to talk again as just friends. So in a way, I think if she texts me between now and her bday, I will text her happy bday. But if she doesn't reach out, then I won't either, even if it is her 30th bday.

 

 

NO, given the above.

 

You’re way overthinking things again.

[preraph]

NO! Maybe if you shared a kid and had to be civil or something, but you are broken up. I think you're just looking for an excuse to contact her. Don't do it. Very desperate move.

[Teknoe]

NO, given the above.

 

You’re way overthinking things again.

 

Got it. Was thinking the same. Thanks for confirming.

 

I won't text her happy birthday. The only way I would is if she reaches out before then to make some friendly chatter. If not, nope.

[Beachead]

No. Don't wish her. Not worth it. She doesn't want to hear from you and I guarantee her reply if there is one, will be short and cold. She may not even respond to your text at all. In either case, it'll hurt you.

 

Focus your energy on grieving, healing and getting yourself back to a good state of mind now and don't waste it on her.

 

- Beach

[streetsoldier3322]

Hey Teknoe,

Your situation feels deja vu! I got out of a 11 month relationship. We both had some glaring cultural gaps to begin with. However the chemistry was insane and the comfort ensued.

 

She was gorgeous and in shape throughout (unlike your situation), but something always felt off. Neither of us wanted to ask the hard questions about how we'd be bridging those gaps including fundamental ones such as religion, diet and spending habits! In fact, we discussed parting ways twice before the actual breakup and the breakup spanned 2 weeks!

 

Our gaps eventually caught up and we couldn't move in. We've been broken up for 5 months and NC for 4 months. Here is my advice:

 

- Do NOT wish her for her birthday. It is over! It sucks and the day will punch you in the face, but don't do it. You'll be back to day 1.

 

- DO NOT break NC. Each day gets harder but very soon, it will become your new reality. That's the only way you'll move forward.

 

- Take your time. Miss her, punch walls but DO NOT jump into bed right away with anyone (speaking from experience - you'll regret it ).

 

- No matter what, no amount of rationality will give you closure. Your head knows the answers, but your heart will refuse to accept it and cling to nostalgia.

 

- Women generally move on quicker than men. Every woman I know, has a best friend. They cry, bitch, groan and pop their eyeballs in front of this friend(s). But this let's them eventually move on. As men, we internalize stuff and would never cry in front of another man. So if you find her moving on faster, this is likely the reason.

 

I'm almost your age and at this stage of our lives, we're all looking for something lasting and meaningful. Just know that eventually, you'll be fine!

Edited August 12, 2018 by streetsoldier3322

[Teknoe]

Hey Teknoe,

Your situation feels deja vu! I got out of a 11 month relationship. We both had some glaring cultural gaps to begin with. However the chemistry was insane and the comfort ensued.

 

She was gorgeous and in shape throughout (unlike your situation), but something always felt off. Neither of us wanted to ask the hard questions about how we'd be bridging those gaps including fundamental ones such as religion, diet and spending habits! In fact, we discussed parting ways twice before the actual breakup and the breakup spanned 2 weeks!

 

Our gaps eventually caught up and we couldn't move in. We've been broken up for 5 months and NC for 4 months. Here is my advice:

 

- Do NOT wish her for her birthday. It is over! It sucks and the day will punch you in the face, but don't do it. You'll be back to day 1.

 

- DO NOT break NC. Each day gets harder but very soon, it will become your new reality. That's the only way you'll move forward.

 

- Take your time. Miss her, punch walls but DO NOT jump into bed right away with anyone (speaking from experience - you'll regret it ).

 

- No matter what, no amount of rationality will give you closure. Your head knows the answers, but your heart will refuse to accept it and cling to nostalgia.

 

- Women generally move on quicker than men. Every woman I know, has a best friend. They cry, bitch, groan and pop their eyeballs in front of this friend(s). But this let's them eventually move on. As men, we internalize stuff and would never cry in front of another man. So if you find her moving on faster, this is likely the reason.

 

I'm almost your age and at this stage of our lives, we're all looking for something lasting and meaningful. Just know that eventually, you'll be fine!

 

 

Hey thank you so much for sharing your story. I definitely see some similarities. Culture wise, I think my ex and I were relatively close. There were some obvious differences that I was a little weary about but I really thought it wasn't a deal breaker whatsoever.

 

Thanks for the advice, I have a date Thursday lined up with a new girl already. I don't miss my ex anymore... I did the first few days but I've moved on pretty quickly. Because the break up was essentially mutual. Only time I miss her is late at night during those quiet hours.

 

We'll both be alright.

 

Stay strong brother!