littlechoices Posted August 8, 2018 Posted August 8, 2018 Hi All! I was hoping to get people's opinion about this. Short Version: Ex and I stayed together for 9 years. We will reach our 10th year this April 2019. We met when I was 19 and he was 22. We're both working and are in a better place than who we were years ago. Current Status: We have a one-month thing where we still live in the same place, and will see if, after this month, we'd like to continue. Who broke up? Me. I guess my biggest question is: Is it selfish to break up with someone after 9 years? Below are the MAIN reasons I've had for breaking up and wanted to check with you guys if these are good or bad reasons? 1. Money: We have a shared account (yes, I know we shouldn't have) but we started with a very low salary and joining our money helped us survive. I almost always have a waay higher salary. There were instances where my share was higher... but it was fine since we just shared our money. What was mine was his. The problem was... we kept this until we earned more. He viewed money that he can access as his - he forgot that i worked hard for that money too. So, I'd usually see money disappear OR he'd like about his spending. We tried talking about it BUT during low moments, he kept doing it over and over again. 2. His fear. He's just scared. Which is why he escapes with video games and his spending sprees. I remember spending hours watching him play. Even before we broke up - he'd just be on the computer. Barely leaving. I've told him I wanted for us to do more than just be in front of the computer but eh. Nothing. We've also had numerous opportunities to start a business (my family is financially better than his) but he always runs away. I gave him everything and he doesn't pursue it. And it's not good coz hospital bills, pregnancy, etc. requires money. And it's fine if his family is well off but they're not. So he can't support himself. 3. Lack of acknowledgment for the things that's important to me. I told him the three things that were most important. The sad part is, during our long talk in the past few days, I had to repeat it to him 3x. 4. It takes big arguments for him to actually listen to the pain points in our relationship OR acknowledge that something needs to be changed. 5. This cycle. We have this big argument about him spending. Or him not having goals (he's 31 btw, and I'm 28). And everytime, he promises me he won't do the same mistakes and then I'll find out he just spent something again. It's the same thing over and over again. ---------------------------- Now the reason why this is hard is that... FINALLY, after 9 years, he acknowledges that he was selfish. That he does things based on his terms. That I've attempted to reach out to him for years but he just says "I'm sleepy" "I'm tired" "My head hurts" etc. In this month, he's seriously tried. I see his pain. But I also know that it's also fear because he doesn't know what to do without me. He doesn't have really close friends. His money is smaller than mine. In fact, one of the things he initially said was "He's scared for himself." He also told me that if he gives his 100%, there's no guarantee that it will be us at the end of the month. ---------------------------- In our most recent talk, he finally understands what he did wrong and he's willing to make it right. And I'm confident he can - it'll just take a year or so. The only issue is me. I'm not sure I can handle another year of this. But it still bothers me when his subliminal message is "I'm willing to still make this work but this won't work if you're not willing to." So I feel like I'm being selfish. I met some people who are like-minded like me. And i want to surround myself with them. And i feel that it's selfish. I feel that, since we've been together for so long, he deserves to have another chance. What's different is I don't want to listen to him blindly YET deep in my heart, i feel like it's my responsibility to give him another chance. Also, I know I wasn't perfect. I also had my fair share. so it feels like it's unfair of me. What do you guys think?
ExpatInItaly Posted August 8, 2018 Posted August 8, 2018 No, you're not being selfish. You grew up and matured and took control of your life, and he, well, didn't. You shouldn't need to nag a full-grown man about having some ambition and doing something other than playing video games, nor should it be up to you to bear the brunt of the financial costs associated with sustaining a reasonable quality of life. He is more than old enough to not need this much guidance, so I too would be hesitant that he's showed little initiative thus far. You also need to watch how much you enable him. Giving him free access to your money is not wise; pooling resources to pay bills is one thing. But when you don't know where the money is going, you should have put the brakes on it immediately. Concretely, what sort of change do you want and need to see? In measurable terms, what do you feel he needs to do to pick up the slack?
PegNosePete Posted August 8, 2018 Posted August 8, 2018 I guess my biggest question is: Is it selfish to break up with someone after 9 years? Being selfish is when you look out for your own happiness/wellbeing above other people's. According to that definition, almost all break-ups are selfish. But is that a bad thing? If you're unhappy in the relationship then you HAVE to take action to look after your own happiness. You can't martyr yourself forever just to keep someone else happy, if your own needs aren't being met. So rather than asking is it selfish, you should be asking is this break-up for the best in the long run, taking BOTH of our feelings and needs into account, not just his? Below are the MAIN reasons I've had for breaking up and wanted to check with you guys if these are good or bad reasons? There's no such thing as good or bad reasons to break up. The fact is, you don't want to be in the relationship any more. You can enumerate the reasons if you like and ask other people's opinions on them but at the end of the day it's all your decision. Generally lists of reasons like you made, tend to be drawn up in retrospect, in order to justify the emotional decision that you have already made. 1. Money: We have a shared account (yes, I know we shouldn't have) Money is a very common destroyer of relationships. Yes, putting all your money into a joint account without being married is almost certainly a bad move and leads to exactly this kind of problem. In the future if you have shared expenses then I'd recommend getting a joint account in addition to your own individual ones, not instead of. You get paid into your individual accounts, and you each pay a monthly amount into the joint account, from which joint expenses are paid. It makes joint expenses easy to manage, while retaining financial autonomy. In our most recent talk, he finally understands what he did wrong and he's willing to make it right. And I'm confident he can - it'll just take a year or so. Why will it take a year? This seems like just playing for time, to me. He's hoping that in a year you will have forgotten all about this silly break-up stuff and go back to normal.
d0nnivain Posted August 8, 2018 Posted August 8, 2018 Of course it's not unfair of you. You certainly can't stay simply because so much time has passed. End things so you can both pursue happiness with other people.
stillafool Posted August 8, 2018 Posted August 8, 2018 I couldn't be in a relationship with a manchild who depends on me to fiancially support him and direct his life. Who is afraid to lose me because "he's scared for himself" of what's going to happen to him. He doesn't sound like he's going to grow up and change.
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