Three year relationship gone. What now?

[M1128Y]

I'm a 33 year old man and my ex is a 30 year old woman. I haven't accomplished much, if anything, and I work in retail. I'm also living with my parents to save money while I go to college for computer science and work.

 

That being said, I was with my ex for about three years. We lived together for about two. We've lived in three different states. I thought she was the one. Not perfect, but the one; I loved her. I wanted to have children with her and she would sometimes talk about having them with me. Unfortunately, things between us ended about a half a month ago, after a serious fight. Shortly before that fight, she seemed to be growing distant, and I felt like there was something amiss. This prompted me to question her and she told me that things were good, but then the very next day she told me she wanted to move out, but on her own. I asked her why and she said it was because she couldn't stand living in my parent's house (the situation is bad to begin with, but my parents are a tad strange and grating). And she said she didn't want to live with me anymore because she didn't trust me to keep a job while I went to school. This is because when we lived in Atlanta I had quit a job at a CVS once it had started to impact my college education. I believe this was mostly due to my own immaturity and lack of planning. Regardless, I told her that I’ve changed and that it wouldn't happen again, but she didn't seem convinced. I then asked her what this meant for the relationship and mentioned how this is going backwards. I also asked if she was breaking up. She said no, but it wasn't a very convincing no. Additionally, she cited some other issues she had with me, which she had mentioned before in our relationship. She told me that I'm emotionally unavailable and that I'm not keen on going out as much as she is. I told her that I'm sorry and that I will change for her because I loved her. I told her that I'm taking what she is saying very seriously and told her we could start doing at least one activity every week. I suggested that we go kayaking that very week. She unenthusiastically agreed and seemed to be giving me one last chance.

 

However, I began to notice her paying more attention to her phone. Actually, this had been a thing for about a month leading up to our break up. I questioned it and she reassured me that she was just talking to a friend from work, but then when I saw seven message notifications from this same friend, I became more direct. Eventually, this lead to her admitting to flirting and saying some sexual things to the. This is when I lost it, because she had done this before at the beginning of our relationship. I then started to question her about the guy and told her that she needed to stop it. I was extremely angry which scared her. I didn't actually do anything, I was just very mad, telling her how she has betrayed me once again and how she has screwed my life up. I even threatened to beat the guy up. This upset her and she told me that it isn't his fault and that he's a nice guy. Eventually, when things calmed down, we talked about it. I asked her once again if she wanted to end the relationship, if she still loved me, etc.; she said yes to still loving me, no to ending things, and then she iterated that she would give me one last opportunity to change. I told her that she needed to tell this guy about me and to stop texting him. She said sure. Days later, I'm feeling a knot in my stomach. I wake her up to ask her if she stopped texting/flirting with this guy. She looks suspicious and tells me that they talked, but she didn't really get to address it. I then tell her to text or call him right now, but she hesitates. I tell her that I'm going to text him myself, and then she threatens to end the relationship. This back and forth continues for about ten minutes until I lose my cool and tell her she needs to leave.

 

I start packing her stuff and she doesn't put up much of a fight and starts packing her stuff as well. I say an ugly thing to her and she responds with something just as ugly. I threaten to text the guy again just to tell him about the situation, because I felt like she was leading him on or not telling him about me. She says whatever. But I decide not to, because I didn’t want to make things awkward for her at work. I then tell her she didn’t have to leave that night. She thanks me and we go to my room. We both cry and say sorry for what was said. The next day, I tell her that she could stay the week until she finds a place. She says she appreciates it. However, I decide to text the guy what had happened because I felt like he deserved to know what was going on. He then sends her texts saying how he didn’t ask for this drama and that he needs space. I thought that was a weird text. Space? Anyways, after going to work my ex tells me through text that she’s getting a hotel and that she needs space. She refers to the anger she saw from me and the insult I hurled at her. She tells me that my reaction changed things between us. After days of texting back and forth, with her telling me she needs space and me going nuts because I feel like I’ve lost the love of my life to making a mountain out of a molehill and losing my temper, I decide to go to her work to give her flowers and to apologize.

 

I walk up to her after she steps out of work and begin to talk to her. She seems a little annoyed and I remember her looking around a little, as though she were worried somebody would see. She tells me that I shouldn’t have bought flowers and that we’re not on the same page. She says my reaction scared her and that because of it, she no longer has romantic feelings towards me. She tells me it’s over. I ask her again about the guy and she says it was only flirting. She drives away. Days later, we're still texting back and forth (with me initiating), with me asking questions about what happened and how much she has messed me up. She tells me she doesn't want to talk about it, that she needs space, and that she's with a girlfriend. I leave her alone. A day or two later, she’s at my house picking up the rest of her stuff. We act normal, packing stuff into her car. I ask again, was it just flirting? She says yes. She drives off.

 

We continue to text back and forth, rehashing things, etc., until I’ve had enough of her nonanswers and coldness. So, I contact the guy she was flirting with to get answers. I text him and leave a message on his voicemail. This gets my ex to call me five minutes later, asking me why I was harassing this guy and if she needed to get a restraining order. While arguing with my ex over the phone, the guy texts back saying that whatever he tells me they did won’t make me feel better and that if I wanted answers to ask my ex. He then tells me to stop communicating with him. Over the phone my ex once again reassures me it was just flirting and that’s it. We agree to stop contacting each other. But when I read the guy’s message, it seemed to imply that more had happened. I text my ex this and she responds with, “I’ll tell you on my break.”

 

On break, she finally comes clean (I think). Having conversations at work turned into flirting, flirting turned into going on a date, and when she told me she was going to talk to the guy about me and about how she couldn’t flirt with him anymore, that turned into a make out session. Moreover, when she said she wanted to give me one last opportunity, that wasn’t true. She was just afraid of confrontation. And the time when she was with her friend, she tells me that the guy had contacted her afterwards to go to his place to hangout. They had sex that night.

 

Just recently (yesterday) she told me we needed to stop contacting each other, at least for awhile. I agreed, reluctantly, since this is hurting me a lot. I know it’s what needs to be done though.

 

The issue is this. I don’t have many friends and my family is dysfunctional and aren’t able to offer much help. It’s not that they’re bad people though. They’re just not good with this stuff. Unfortunately, I put all of my eggs into one basket with my ex and now she’s gone. I’m not sure what to do. I’m almost in constant psychological pain and I think the only reason it isn’t completely constant is because I just go numb after a while. But then the pain comes back again the next day. By the way, I’m not mad at my ex nor am I the angel of this relationship. I should have been better to her and I made some mistakes as well. I guess I’m just worried for a number of reasons. I’m 33 and alone, which is scary. Should I be? I wanted to start a family. And I’m not the greatest catch because of my lack of accomplishments. Although, I am going to college for computer science and I’m 60% through the program.

 

What do you guys think? Any advice?

[Normm]

I think you need to figure out how to be happy by yourself and more importantly- independent. If you can't make it on your own you'll never make it in a relationship. The other person is not supposed to be a crutch because you can't stand on your own 2 feet.

[Marc878]

I'm a 33 year old man and my ex is a 30 year old woman. I haven't accomplished much, if anything, and I work in retail. I'm also living with my parents to save money while I go to college for computer science and work.

 

That being said, I was with my ex for about three years. We lived together for about two. We've lived in three different states. I thought she was the one. Not perfect, but the one; I loved her. I wanted to have children with her and she would sometimes talk about having them with me. Unfortunately, things between us ended about a half a month ago, after a serious fight. Shortly before that fight, she seemed to be growing distant, and I felt like there was something amiss. This prompted me to question her and she told me that things were good, but then the very next day she told me she wanted to move out, but on her own. I asked her why and she said it was because she couldn't stand living in my parent's house (the situation is bad to begin with, but my parents are a tad strange and grating). And she said she didn't want to live with me anymore because she didn't trust me to keep a job while I went to school. This is because when we lived in Atlanta I had quit a job at a CVS once it had started to impact my college education. I believe this was mostly due to my own immaturity and lack of planning. Regardless, I told her that I’ve changed and that it wouldn't happen again, but she didn't seem convinced. I then asked her what this meant for the relationship and mentioned how this is going backwards. I also asked if she was breaking up. She said no, but it wasn't a very convincing no. Additionally, she cited some other issues she had with me, which she had mentioned before in our relationship. She told me that I'm emotionally unavailable and that I'm not keen on going out as much as she is. I told her that I'm sorry and that I will change for her because I loved her. I told her that I'm taking what she is saying very seriously and told her we could start doing at least one activity every week. I suggested that we go kayaking that very week. She unenthusiastically agreed and seemed to be giving me one last chance.

 

She's cheating but giving you one last chance? You are playing the "pick me dance".

 

However, I began to notice her paying more attention to her phone. Actually, this had been a thing for about a month leading up to our break up. I questioned it and she reassured me that she was just talking to a friend from work, but then when I saw seven message notifications from this same friend, I became more direct. Eventually, this lead to her admitting to flirting and saying some sexual things to the. This is when I lost it, because she had done this before at the beginning of our relationship. I then started to question her about the guy and told her that she needed to stop it. I was extremely angry which scared her. I didn't actually do anything, I was just very mad, telling her how she has betrayed me once again and how she has screwed my life up. I even threatened to beat the guy up. This upset her and she told me that it isn't his fault and that he's a nice guy. Eventually, when things calmed down, we talked about it. I asked her once again if she wanted to end the relationship, if she still loved me, etc.; she said yes to still loving me, no to ending things, and then she iterated that she would give me one last opportunity to change. I told her that she needed to tell this guy about me and to stop texting him. She said sure. Days later, I'm feeling a knot in my stomach. I wake her up to ask her if she stopped texting/flirting with this guy. She looks suspicious and tells me that they talked, but she didn't really get to address it. I then tell her to text or call him right now, but she hesitates. I tell her that I'm going to text him myself, and then she threatens to end the relationship. This back and forth continues for about ten minutes until I lose my cool and tell her she needs to leave.

They are sexually involved.

 

I start packing her stuff and she doesn't put up much of a fight and starts packing her stuff as well. I say an ugly thing to her and she responds with something just as ugly. I threaten to text the guy again just to tell him about the situation, because I felt like she was leading him on or not telling him about me. She says whatever. But I decide not to, because I didn’t want to make things awkward for her at work. I then tell her she didn’t have to leave that night. She thanks me and we go to my room. We both cry and say sorry for what was said. The next day, I tell her that she could stay the week until she finds a place. She says she appreciates it. However, I decide to text the guy what had happened because I felt like he deserved to know what was going on. He then sends her texts saying how he didn’t ask for this drama and that he needs space. I thought that was a weird text. Space? Anyways, after going to work my ex tells me through text that she’s getting a hotel and that she needs space. She refers to the anger she saw from me and the insult I hurled at her. She tells me that my reaction changed things between us. After days of texting back and forth, with her telling me she needs space and me going nuts because I feel like I’ve lost the love of my life to making a mountain out of a molehill and losing my temper, I decide to go to her work to give her flowers and to apologize.

 

She cheats and you appologuze. Pretty weak move

I walk up to her after she steps out of work and begin to talk to her. She seems a little annoyed and I remember her looking around a little, as though she were worried somebody would see. She tells me that I shouldn’t have bought flowers and that we’re not on the same page. She says my reaction scared her and that because of it, she no longer has romantic feelings towards me. She tells me it’s over. I ask her again about the guy and she says it was only flirting. She drives away. Days later, we're still texting back and forth (with me initiating), with me asking questions about what happened and how much she has messed me up. She tells me she doesn't want to talk about it, that she needs space, and that she's with a girlfriend. I leave her alone. A day or two later, she’s at my house picking up the rest of her stuff. We act normal, packing stuff into her car. I ask again, was it just flirting? She says yes. She drives off.

 

She's not going to tell you the truth. Nothing but lies

 

We continue to text back and forth, rehashing things, etc., until I’ve had enough of her nonanswers and coldness. So, I contact the guy she was flirting with to get answers. I text him and leave a message on his voicemail. This gets my ex to call me five minutes later, asking me why I was harassing this guy and if she needed to get a restraining order. While arguing with my ex over the phone, the guy texts back saying that whatever he tells me they did won’t make me feel better and that if I wanted answers to ask my ex. He then tells me to stop communicating with him. Over the phone my ex once again reassures me it was just flirting and that’s it. We agree to stop contacting each other. But when I read the guy’s message, it seemed to imply that more had happened. I text my ex this and she responds with, “I’ll tell you on my break.”

 

You are chasing which punches them farther away

 

On break, she finally comes clean (I think). Having conversations at work turned into flirting, flirting turned into going on a date, and when she told me she was going to talk to the guy about me and about how she couldn’t flirt with him anymore, that turned into a make out session. Moreover, when she said she wanted to give me one last opportunity, that wasn’t true. She was just afraid of confrontation. And the time when she was with her friend, she tells me that the guy had contacted her afterwards to go to his place to hangout. They had sex that night.

 

It's over and you are trying to save the unsavable

 

Just recently (yesterday) she told me we needed to stop contacting each other, at least for awhile. I agreed, reluctantly, since this is hurting me a lot. I know it’s what needs to be done though.

 

You are now a pest to her

 

The issue is this. I don’t have many friends and my family is dysfunctional and aren’t able to offer much help. It’s not that they’re bad people though. They’re just not good with this stuff. Unfortunately, I put all of my eggs into one basket with my ex and now she’s gone. I’m not sure what to do. I’m almost in constant psychological pain and I think the only reason it isn’t completely constant is because I just go numb after a while. But then the pain comes back again the next day. By the way, I’m not mad at my ex nor am I the angel of this relationship. I should have been better to her and I made some mistakes as well. I guess I’m just worried for a number of reasons. I’m 33 and alone, which is scary. Should I be? I wanted to start a family. And I’m not the greatest catch because of my lack of accomplishments. Although, I am going to college for computer science and I’m 60% through the program.

 

What do you guys think? Any advice?

 

Block her on everything and put all your effort into finishing your education. Go full out and get it done so you can have a future. No woman is going to want a guy who still loves with his parents at your age.

[mkaur215]

Op you’re really hard on yourself especially when it comes to your accomplishments, everyone has their own pace. I myself am 25 and im going to school for my registered nursing license and will be graduating with an associates in a couple years. The fact that you’re working on yourself and are going to school is such a great thing. I know its hard to do but just focus on school! If she truly cared for you she wouldnt have made it a big deal that you chose school over a temporary job. NEVER TAKE BACK A CHEATER, there is never a valid excuse for cheating. And as for the moral support to get through this there are several apps online that you can make friends with or start hetting into hobbies you enjoy. I got out of a 2 year relationship 2 months ago and have recently started working out again. It is a huge self esteem booster and not to mention the health benefits!

[Thingsfallapart]

Dude, this girl is poison and a cheater.

She cheated and then blamed the break up on you for being angry at her cheating. That’s so crazy it’s almost unbelievable that someone would have the balls to do that.

 

Do yourself a favor and forget this chick.

 

She was monkey branching out of the relationship.

 

Thank your lucky stars you found out what kind of a woman she was before you brought kids into the picture or married her

[M1128Y]

Op you’re really hard on yourself especially when it comes to your accomplishments, everyone has their own pace. I myself am 25 and im going to school for my registered nursing license and will be graduating with an associates in a couple years. The fact that you’re working on yourself and are going to school is such a great thing. I know its hard to do but just focus on school! If she truly cared for you she wouldnt have made it a big deal that you chose school over a temporary job. NEVER TAKE BACK A CHEATER, there is never a valid excuse for cheating. And as for the moral support to get through this there are several apps online that you can make friends with or start hetting into hobbies you enjoy. I got out of a 2 year relationship 2 months ago and have recently started working out again. It is a huge self esteem booster and not to mention the health benefits!

 

First, thank you everyone for the responses.

 

You say it's been two months since your break up. How do you feel? The reason I ask is because I'm trying to look forward to feeling better. Right now I feel like I've been unchained from the sun and my self-confidence is down the tubes.

[d0nnivain]

You have accomplished things in your life.

 

1. You are employed.

 

2. You are saving money & spending wisely to pay for your education

 

3. You are 60% of the way to a degree.

 

Those are some wonderful accomplishments. Be proud of them.

 

In the short term you have to grieve the loss of your relationship. You can come here for emotional support if it's not available at home.

 

Once you are feeling a bit stronger, do nice things for yourself. Listen to music you enjoy. Go for a run or walk. Just move.

 

Throw yourself into your studies & try to make new friends on campus. Befriend somebody at work; either at your store or the one next door.

[mkaur215]

I was the one that ended it because i was unsure of my feelings and wasnt sure whether i saw a future with him. Immediately when i ended it I regretted my decision and tried to reconcile 4x. The last time i texted him was on monday and i poured my heart out to him through text because he wouldnt take my call. He messaged me that he cant be in a relationship with someone who he doesnt trust. I realized at that moment he was giving me a bull**** excuse to not be with me and if he truly did plan a future with me he wouldve saw i realized my mistake. So long story short it helped to focus on his flaws and how quickly he was to dismiss me when things got rocky and made me realize why would i wanna be with somone who doesnt fight for what they had? Im just grateful i ended it sooner and didnt end up marrying him or had kids involved.

[mkaur215]

First, thank you everyone for the responses.

 

You say it's been two months since your break up. How do you feel? The reason I ask is because I'm trying to look forward to feeling better. Right now I feel like I've been unchained from the sun and my self-confidence is down the tubes.

 

 

 

I also had incredibly low self esteem in the beginning and placed him on a pedestal. I tried to move on from him in the beginning bu talking to other guys and i used to feel guilty because i felt he would come back. But since i realized im better off without him and he doesnt want anything to do with me i feel relieved, i got the closure i need and finally can no longer justify being with him still.

[M1128Y]

I also had incredibly low self esteem in the beginning and placed him on a pedestal. I tried to move on from him in the beginning bu talking to other guys and i used to feel guilty because i felt he would come back. But since i realized im better off without him and he doesnt want anything to do with me i feel relieved, i got the closure i need and finally can no longer justify being with him still.

 

Thank you for your words. I'm glad about the progress you've made. I hope to make similar progress soon.