Girlfriend needs space after 5,5 years

[dakovac]

Hey guys,

 

First of all sorry for my english, Im not a native speaker...been reading the forum for weeks now as im in a very complicated (at least in my opinion) situation.

 

I met my girlfriend during the first year of college. We all lived in a dorm but knew we had to move out after the first year. We were madly in love, spent all our time together and towards the end of the first year she suggested that we move in together. This was 5 years ago. The funny thing was that we were from the same country and met in college abroad. The first 3 years were absolutely amazing and we both enjoyed being with each other/living together.

 

One thing that bothered me was the fact that it never really worked out between us when we came home during holidays or school breaks. She started telling me that we spend all our time together anyways and she needs to be with her friends when we are visiting our hometown for a week or two. I understood this of course however things escalated last summer. We had a couple arguments at home but eventually worked things out and came back to our hometown for the summer. Those 3 months eventually proved to be the hardest 3 months of my life. She basically ignored all my attempts of meeting with her or doing things together through the summer. Although she always made up excuses why she cannot meet me or do things together (cinema, concert, even a simple walk in the park really), she never wanted to let me go, she kept telling me how much she loves and how sorry she feels for abandoning me all the time..things didnt really change (went on a short vacation together in August which was amazing).

She admitted that she feels amazing when we are together however every time I left after a meeting the cycle started all over again. Partying, ignoring me, making excuses, not seeing me for 1-2 weeks, etc..

 

At the end of the summer my father's situation (who has been diagnosed with cancer almost 3 years ago) got worse as he was diagnosed with brain cancer. No need to tell you how we all felt in the family. Because of this situation I had to stay in my hometown for a couple of weeks while my girlfriend flew back to our appartment alone. After my fathers situation was under control I booked my tickets and wanted to go back when she told me that she needs to focus on school and my sadness and my fathers problem would only shift her attention to matters that she simply cannot allow herself to be involved with (i graduated already at that time)...This was the biggest blow I think but I still decided to go back (don't judge me please, I am well aware how stubborn this decision was) because I loved her so much, I just wanted to fix things and be with her. This was last October.

 

We kept living together until this July, I helped her with everything, pushed her through her final exams (she needed a lot of help) and she finally graduated. We knew that we are coming back to our hometown to figure out the future and where we would like to go TOGETHER next. She seemed very motivated and in love with me just like the first three years. I was obviously concerned about the summer as I already had pretty bad experiences but I ignored these thoughts and tried to stay positive.

 

1 week after we came back (first time I saw her since leaving our apartment) she told me that she cannot function in a relationship currently. That she wants to go wherever she wants to go and wants to meet with whoever she wants to meet without me looking over her shoulder and texting her constantly. She also said that she doesnt know how she will feel in 1,2,3,4 etc. weeks but as of now the right decision is to have some distance between us.

 

I am angry and dissapointed as this happened almost a month ago and she hasn't contacted me at all. As we wanted to travel together further I took a job in my hometown to collect some money for our future. She didn't care. My father is literally dying. She didn't care. I left the city where we lived together (and which I loved) just for her as she wanted to live (at that point together with me) in another country and experience other things. She didn't care. Ever since she dumped me she seems to post daily about her going out, having fun and enjoying her time with her friends (guys mostly of course), while Im working like an idiot. Im shocked and still cant believe that she did this without making any effort once we came back home.

 

How can someone ignore a person like this after 5 years? How can someone be so cold and distant when I need her the most? I was there always, helped her through everything and this is what I get...I honestly believe that this is the classic scenario of G.I.G.S

 

I am also shocked because I literally had no time to reflect on anything she said as she gave this conversation 1 hour between hanging out with some friends (called me to her house at 13:00 and she had to go somewhere an hour later). I feel like I've been fooled and disrespected to the lowest level..Sorry if I was too long but I had to write this out. Im trying to collect strenght to block her everywhere and to change my relationship status but I just can't yet. Right now every day without her contacting me and realizing what she did is a shock and gets me even angrier. I guess that will change, it has to...

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry about your father, OP. I do hope you have some strong people around you to lean on.

 

Unfortunately, she has been checking out of your relationship for a long time. There were signs ages ago, despite how much you tried to overlook them and believed it was getting better. She has been wriggling away for quite a while. There is nothing for her to realize, really, as she evidently feels this was the right decision for her.

 

You need to block her on social media so you can't see what she's up to. It sounds like she simply outgrew this, lost interest and wants to move on. It hurts a lot, especially at a time like this, but she is very clearly not the right girl for you.

[dakovac]

Thanks ExpatInItaly for your reply, really appreciate it..its already a positive feeling that someone takes the time to read about my situation and reflect on it!

[Whodatdog]

As was said, she checked out a long time ago. Who goes back to their hometown while dating, same hometown, and dont even see each other?? She was obviously not interested in you for sometime, in spite of what she said. Actions speak louder than words, and her actions were screaming at you.

[FMW]

I second (third) what's been written so far, plus stress, as you pointed out, that she wasn't there for you in dealing with your father's situation. That would be the deepest cut for me, her lack of support.

 

I've experienced the shock you talk about of the ongoing lack of contact. Let it sink in and let yourself feel the anger. It's the beginning of moving on.

 

Do everything you can to get her out of your head and remove things that remind you of her as much as possible. Unfortunately it will just take time, but the sooner you can stop holding on and accept it's over the sooner you will move past it.

[fromheart]

I got to the part where you say that she said, your sadness and your fathers problem would only shift her attention form her school work.

 

What an absolutely horrible thing to say. You take her to the kerb, and you proverbially drop kick her out of your life.

 

Why is she still in your life dude? Your family is going through a hard time, and you only ever let someone in your circle if they are going to support you through life's hard times.

 

Yet after she's acted like this, you love her?! You help her through her course, and when she's finished using you she tells you she wants to F other men. She's probably been doing that for sometime by the way.

 

What is there to love about her? The way she turns her back on you when your father has cancer?? Come on, stand up for yourself. Tell her you don't want to her from her, as she has been using you and has no empathy for others. Then get back to your father.

 

When this skanky little girl is nothing more than a bad memory, you will be thinking about your father for the rest of your life. You may be wishing that you'd spent more time with him while he was still alive. Get over there and spend time with your dad.

[dakovac]

I got to the part where you say that she said, your sadness and your fathers problem would only shift her attention form her school work.

 

What an absolutely horrible thing to say. You take her to the kerb, and you proverbially drop kick her out of your life.

 

Why is she still in your life dude? Your family is going through a hard time, and you only ever let someone in your circle if they are going to support you through life's hard times.

 

Yet after she's acted like this, you love her?! You help her through her course, and when she's finished using you she tells you she wants to F other men. She's probably been doing that for sometime by the way.

 

What is there to love about her? The way she turns her back on you when your father has cancer?? Come on, stand up for yourself. Tell her you don't want to her from her, as she has been using you and has no empathy for others. Then get back to your father.

 

When this skanky little girl is nothing more than a bad memory, you will be thinking about your father for the rest of your life. You may be wishing that you'd spent more time with him while he was still alive. Get over there and spend time with your dad.[/quote

 

 

This is so true...however its very difficult for me to aknowledge the fact that she can turn her back on me (in such a difficult and painful situation) after 5 years and now the only thing that seems to matter to her is to show how much fun she is having on social media! Its a horrible feeling but I know I can't change it...

[ExpatInItaly]

This is so true...however its very difficult for me to aknowledge the fact that she can turn her back on me (in such a difficult and painful situation) after 5 years and now the only thing that seems to matter to her is to show how much fun she is having on social media! Its a horrible feeling but I know I can't change it...

 

Yes, it's very difficult when we realize the person we thought we knew is not there anymore.

 

I will say, though, that she's been showing signs for a long time that she no longer cared very much. Being in the same town for months over the summer and essentially avoiding you the whole time was a big one.

 

I can completely understand why you are shocked she was so callous about your dad's situation, though, and lacking in basic human compassion. It was her right to end the relationship, of course, but the comments she made about that were entirely unnecessary - but they do speak to how immature and self-involved she actually is. I'm so sorry you had to endure that. My heart goes out of you, my friend. A close family member of mine suffered the same health condition last year as well; sending plenty of positive and compassionate energy your way.

 

Again, you need to block her on social media. It is not helping you and your mental energy needs to be devoted elsewhere right now.

[fromheart]

[/quote

This is so true...however its very difficult for me to aknowledge the fact that she can turn her back on me (in such a difficult and painful situation) after 5 years and now the only thing that seems to matter to her is to show how much fun she is having on social media! Its a horrible feeling but I know I can't change it...

 

 

The cold hard truth, and in my experience, is that women are like this. When they've finished with you, you are nothing more than a used tampon. That's why I always say, as soon as her feelings become less just get out of there.

 

It's hard for men to accept that the love of their life can be so cold and mean. She goes from so caring and warm, into this cold, mean creature you didn't know existed. But that cold, mean side to her existed all along. You now know who she really is. Want to spend your life with who she is now? No, your remembering the early stages of the relationship right? That was her in honeymoon phase, now this is the real her when that phase has finished. Who she was before she 'fell in love.'

 

Apply the second date rule, would you go on a second date with her, if she acted like this on the first? No. Is she doing anything to entice you right now? No.

 

I highly recommend checking Corey Wayne on youtube.

[ExpatInItaly]

The cold hard truth, and in my experience, is that women are like this. When they've finished with you, you are nothing more than a used tampon. That's why I always say, as soon as her feelings become less just get out of there.

 

Let's not assume this is gender-specific. I can speak from experience that there are men who do exactly the same thing.

 

Let's also not make sweeping generalizations. Women aren't "like this" and neither are men. Some are, yes, but to suggest that's what an entire gender is like is simply untrue and limited thinking.

[fromheart]

Let's not assume this is gender-specific. I can speak from experience that there are men who do exactly the same thing.

 

Let's also not make sweeping generalizations. Women aren't "like this" and neither are men. Some are, yes, but to suggest that's what an entire gender is like is simply untrue and limited thinking.

 

 

Thats been my experience, which I stated. I don't date men so I cant share my experiences on men, because I don't have any. Yes, I know that men can be complete A holes.

 

However, when a woman's feelings have changed for a man, if he sticks around trying to change things for the better she does become cruel. It's human nature, or in this case female nature. Perhaps there are exceptions but even just looking around this forum, every time the man hangs in there after her feelings have changed, she becomes cruel.

 

I'm not going to deny a fact that most men know, in order to be PC. Better for the man to back away so he doesn't go through that, and for the woman so that she doesn't feel bad about things she has done and said post break up.

[dakovac]

However, when a woman's feelings have changed for a man, if he sticks around trying to change things for the better she does become cruel. It's human nature, or in this case female nature. Perhaps there are exceptions but even just looking around this forum, every time the man hangs in there after her feelings have changed, she becomes cruel.

 

 

Might be some truth in this actually...what bothers me is the way she handled this BU and really made it look like I was a comfortable tool for her in our little bubble abroad and not a day longer after we moved out. I am somehow confident that she will not be able to push this away from her for good! I know that right now she feel releaved and enjoying her freedom away from my "depression" and problems. However there will be moments/hours/days when it will hit her. She will have to face her demons when the summer/party/fun/rebound is over but latest when she will be in a similar situation as me (not wishing this for her or her family of course). She will wonder about what she exactly did to another person that gave everything to her. and spent 5 years living together with. I might not hear from her ever again or find out if she is going through these emotions of guilt but im sure it will happen one way or another! I hope I will be very far emotionally and mentally if she decides to contact me in the future (not expecting this for a very long time though).

 

Thanks for the comments guys again, means a lot!

[ExpatInItaly]

However, when a woman's feelings have changed for a man, if he sticks around trying to change things for the better she does become cruel. It's human nature, or in this case female nature. Perhaps there are exceptions but even just looking around this forum, every time the man hangs in there after her feelings have changed, she becomes cruel.

 

Well, yes, if you are dating immature women. Mature and rational women do not. You need to fix your picker if you are seeing this as common theme in the girls you go out with and subsequently break up with. It also depends on your definition of "cruel." Cruel to some people is as simple as hearing what they don't want to hear, which is that they need to move on and leave their ex alone and not expect friendship after being dumped. Cruel to others means the dumper engaging in insulting and demeaning behaviour, intended to hurt their ex. If you are seeing a lot of the latter, you need to re-evaluate your choice in dating candidates. Anyway, I digress.

 

OP, I think this is part of the issue you're seeing now. Mature girls who are ready for commitment do not essentially request the summers off from their boyfriends. You have seen signs for quite a while that you were not dealing with someone with a great level of emotional maturity or respect for you.

 

Thus, it follows that she continues in that vein when breaking up. It hurts, but her selfishness didn't come out of nowhere. In the future, you would be very wise not to overlook the significant red flags and learn to recognize when the other person just doesn't want to be there but is keeping you around for convenience. Love yourself enough to walk away from that.

[fromheart]

Well, yes, if you are dating immature women. Mature and rational women do not. You need to fix your picker if you are seeing this as common theme in the girls you go out with and subsequently break up with. It also depends on your definition of "cruel." Cruel to some people is as simple as hearing what they don't want to hear, which is that they need to move on and leave their ex alone and not expect friendship after being dumped. Cruel to others means the dumper engaging in insulting and demeaning behaviour, intended to hurt their ex. If you are seeing a lot of the latter, you need to re-evaluate your choice in dating candidates. Anyway, I digress.

.

 

 

I just dump immature women in the early stages, so that it doesn't get to that or avoid them all together in the first place.

 

Women aren't all sugar and spice, and to deny that because someone might find it offensive is misleading. If a man sticks around when she is losing interest, he will be subjected to abuse. Ask any man who's been in that situation.