passenger1991 Posted August 6, 2018 Posted August 6, 2018 Hey all. Not entirely new to this forum, received some great advice on here before, but now I'm older and wiser I set up a new account that doesn't reference my name! So, I'll try keep this short but it probably won't be. For the first time ever, I seem to be dating a really nice girl who seems completely grounded and hasn't given off any red flags. She's 23, I'm 27. Good relationship with her family, very clever, good job which she loves, good circle of friends. It's all great, but the one thing that's kind of killing the vibe is she seems really awkward with physical contact. So, I met her at this meet up thing and we got on. I asked her if she wanted to meet up on the weekend, she agreed. I only suggested a quick walk and a drink, but we ended up getting dinner and being together 7 hours. Neither of us had looked at a phone or a clock all afternoon/evening and we had no idea where the time had gone. Great! Second date set. Second date, evening thing. Again, together a good 4/5 hours and it flew by. On the walk back I started a bit of physical contact, we held hands and it was lovely. I dropped the ball here when we said good bye, I'm not used to dating at all, I should have kissed her (it was the right moment) but I just froze up and we hugged bye. Third date. Fantastic day, did something much more active. Full 12 hours of being out and about. About half way through we were just loitering in this area for no reason, there was so much tension, kind of side hug thing going on. It was clear what was needed to be done, but she was looking the other way and seemed really uncomfortable making eye contact with me. I whispered her name and she turned around and we shared a quick kiss. Later at night we were in a real quiet spot and we started making out a bit. This felt awkward....I don't know why. She just kissed different to what I've been used to in the past and it kind of didn't feel natural and right. She also went in with the tongue, which took me by surprise big time (I usually reserve that for bedroom antics...) I guess first kisses are a bit like that. Anyway, I said I so wanted to do that at the end of the last date and she said I so could have. I walked her home, we had another little kiss when we said bye. Next day, met again in the morning. Another nice kiss to greet. But the rest of the day felt awkward... all the physical contact was initiated by me. I went to hold her hand, she was fine with it, and we continued walking like this. I put my arm around her, and she didn't go to move away, in fact we stood like it for ages watching this show... but she never moved in closer and reciprocated. At a quiet spot later on I wanted to go for the kiss again, we were leaning against this barrier and I had my body facing her but she didn't seem to want to get her body facing mine and let me in. At the end of the day, I dropped her home and walked her to her door again and we shared another really nice kiss good bye. 5 minutes later she text me how she had a lovely weekend and she's already looking forward to seeing me on Wednesday. I told her I'm really enjoying spending time with her and she said the same. So, I know she's interested. There is no doubt. I think I know why it's a bit weird from her side. I know she never really had many friends in school and college. She didn't enjoy her time there, she was incredibly shy. Very clever, straight A student. That was her focus. She went to uni, and again came away from top marks. She came out of her shell much more from uni and now she doesn't seem shy when it comes to meeting new people. She came straight from uni up country to where she is now and not been here long. But, I get the feeling she hasn't had any kind of intimate relationship before. I think she may be holding back because she's scared, she's not been in this place before. Totally understandable. My question is, how do I approach this without ****ing it up? How do I get her to feel more comfortable about it? To let her know it's OK to be scared. I'm not gonna rush her into the bedroom or anything, it's totally fine if she wants to take things slow, and she seems worth the wait. Thing is, I'm so attracted to her and would love to have another moment like we did that night with the little "make out" session. I don't know wether she felt that awkwardness as well and is maybe a bit scared to try that again? There is a lot of that tension there that I think needs to be released so we can be physically comfortable with each other fully. But if she isn't opening up with her body language to allow me....how? Yup....that was long...sorry!
FMW Posted August 6, 2018 Posted August 6, 2018 Sounds like she may be inexperienced with physical relationships. If that's the case, then things will be more awkward than you are used to and require you to do a little more leading in the beginning. It sounds like you have a good start so just be patient and pay attention to her reactions to the physical moves you initiate (to avoid pushing her too fast).
Author passenger1991 Posted August 6, 2018 Author Posted August 6, 2018 Sounds like she may be inexperienced with physical relationships. If that's the case, then things will be more awkward than you are used to and require you to do a little more leading in the beginning. It sounds like you have a good start so just be patient and pay attention to her reactions to the physical moves you initiate (to avoid pushing her too fast). Thanks. Yeah, definitely not what I'm used to. After writing that I think I maybe answered my own question (sometimes it helps just to get things out there!)... and that's that yesterday we were much more public and it was day time. The first time, it was dark and we were in a busy area, but she suggested we go somewhere quieter and that's when it happened. Maybe that's key for Wednesday, find a nice quiet spot. Which will be difficult because we're going somewhere where there are going to be thousands of people haha.
coolheadal Posted August 6, 2018 Posted August 6, 2018 My friend your working to hard on this. 23 - learning stages 27- at what age did you start dating girls or kissing them? She's younger than you by 4 years. She still learning by example you. Teach and show her what you want within reason. But if it was me take your time with her. Grow with her. Why are you pushing your past habits and pass passion from prior dates who might have more or less experience than you did. Enjoy the time you share right now before you move to the next stepping stone. Your taking the lead she's following you. Remember what I just said! "Your taking the lead and she's following you!" Do you get what I am hinting at? Play this cool and slow down...
Author passenger1991 Posted August 6, 2018 Author Posted August 6, 2018 My friend your working to hard on this. 23 - learning stages 27- at what age did you start dating girls or kissing them? She's younger than you by 4 years. She still learning by example you. Teach and show her what you want within reason. But if it was me take your time with her. Grow with her. Why are you pushing your past habits and pass passion from prior dates who might have more or less experience than you did. Enjoy the time you share right now before you move to the next stepping stone. Your taking the lead she's following you. Remember what I just said! "Your taking the lead and she's following you!" Do you get what I am hinting at? Play this cool and slow down... That's exactly what I don't want to do, push anything on her and push her away. Yeah, I may be 4 years older, but I'm hardly more experienced than she is. I'm useless at dating. My only serious relationship lasted 3 years, but we had known each other for many years beforehand and there was always something between us. She was with someone else so nothing ever happened, until they split up and we got drunk. There was no dating involved. Everyone else has been short sexual encounters, no dating involved again. I'm all for taking it slow, but I don't know how. I don't want to back it right off and stop all physical contact and make her think I'm not interested. But I don't wanna carry on trying too hard to move things forwards and mess it up. I honestly have NO idea what a safe middle ground is. As you said, I'm leading, and I'm going to have to lead otherwise it's going nowhere. So this is on me, and I'm having a hard time finding the balance.
FMW Posted August 6, 2018 Posted August 6, 2018 Follow your instincts and again, pay attention to her reactions to what you do. It sounds like she's been up for everything you initiated so far. So relax and let things unfold, nice and easy. I know that sounds cliche, but honestly if you can relax you really will FEEL what to do next. 1
coolheadal Posted August 6, 2018 Posted August 6, 2018 That's exactly what I don't want to do, push anything on her and push her away. Yeah, I may be 4 years older, but I'm hardly more experienced than she is. I'm useless at dating. My only serious relationship lasted 3 years, but we had known each other for many years beforehand and there was always something between us. She was with someone else so nothing ever happened, until they split up and we got drunk. There was no dating involved. Everyone else has been short sexual encounters, no dating involved again. I'm all for taking it slow, but I don't know how. I don't want to back it right off and stop all physical contact and make her think I'm not interested. But I don't wanna carry on trying too hard to move things forwards and mess it up. I honestly have NO idea what a safe middle ground is. As you said, I'm leading, and I'm going to have to lead otherwise it's going nowhere. So this is on me, and I'm having a hard time finding the balance. Okay then take each day at a time. What's wrong with what your doing with her now. holding hands - big plus in my book! Grabbing arms and holding each other while walking very good in my book! Long kissing - excellent Tongue kissing - not bad if you can get that action but optional move. Hugs and kisses If your doing all above with her then your going great! Sneak a rose that hasn't blossom yet. Ring her door & Hide behind your back. Tell her to close her eyes and when she about to open them how her the rose. At this point you can give her a kiss. Like I said keep it simple, keep it real, and just keep it fun and happy! I know you have to learn too but try your best to take it easy with the 23 year old. In 3 years she's 26 and your 30.
Author passenger1991 Posted August 6, 2018 Author Posted August 6, 2018 Okay then take each day at a time. What's wrong with what your doing with her now. holding hands - big plus in my book! Grabbing arms and holding each other while walking very good in my book! Long kissing - excellent Tongue kissing - not bad if you can get that action but optional move. Hugs and kisses If your doing all above with her then your going great! Sneak a rose that hasn't blossom yet. Ring her door & Hide behind your back. Tell her to close her eyes and when she about to open them how her the rose. At this point you can give her a kiss. Like I said keep it simple, keep it real, and just keep it fun and happy! I know you have to learn too but try your best to take it easy with the 23 year old. In 3 years she's 26 and your 30. Thank you for that. Appreciate knowing I am on the right path. Just that I need to dial it back a bit. Fair comment about the age. I've never dated so young, and usually avoid people younger than myself because I tend to find younger women more immature and play games and haven't decided what they really want yet... in my experience anyway. But she really has her **** together and is definitely more mature than most 23 year olds. Certainly more mature than what I was at that age haha
Lotsgoingon Posted August 6, 2018 Posted August 6, 2018 (edited) Could be that she likes you ... but doesn't feel you as much as she wants. You say you KNOW she likes you ... Man, I would NEVER bet the house on that. Bring this up ... Ask her ... Look, I really feel like touching. Are you uncomfortable with my touch? You gotta ask this ... This is a huge issue between you right now. It's there ... and it ain't gonna magically disappear ... if you can't communicate with her about this, the relationship won't last anyway. So you have nothing to lose. Talk to her and find out what's going on. And I really hate to contradict you here, but you can NEVER rule out that a person is more uncomfortable with us (translation: aren't really into us) as much as they appear to be. Lord knows I have fooled some really smart women who assumed I was really into them because I'm really friendly and talkative. Your dates, I hate to say this as well, being as long as they are ... without much affection ... remind me of dates I went on ... when I really thought the other person was wonderful and smart and interesting ... and yet I didn't feel turned on by them. By this point, the ratio of touching to time should be much higher than it is now ... or you're in friendship territory and just know it yet. Edited August 6, 2018 by Lotsgoingon 1
coolheadal Posted August 6, 2018 Posted August 6, 2018 Thank you for that. Appreciate knowing I am on the right path. Just that I need to dial it back a bit. Fair comment about the age. I've never dated so young, and usually avoid people younger than myself because I tend to find younger women more immature and play games and haven't decided what they really want yet... in my experience anyway. But she really has her **** together and is definitely more mature than most 23 year olds. Certainly more mature than what I was at that age haha Yes I know that feeling, shh! I got a call last night from a woman from my new job she's interested so I might try to get to know her when I go and visit her soon this week. Yet she works 7 days a week and she's just turned 29. I am not in any rush either but you play your cards right you got one for keeps. Well 23 and you at 27 will work out but relax and take your time. I lke to share my experiences as well. We men got to enjoy our lives. I was telling this one she looks beautiful an etc. I could tell she was smiling on the phone telling me thank you etc. I like to keep my options open. But for you my friend just keep on doing what you do best with your 23 year old.
MountainGirl111 Posted August 6, 2018 Posted August 6, 2018 It sounds like she is cerebral/intellectual...it sounds like she has spend a lot of time in life pursuing goals and like you said she has her crap together. That's awesome. Now, maybe she just needs patience from you to learn how to be more physically affectionate. I don't know about her upbringing...some girls who were raised in a strict atmosphere are more shy in the area of physical intimacy and way more reserved. There are different types of gals in life. Those who spend a LOT of time on relationships with various men starting at a fairly early age and those that reserve it for later while pursuing other things like careers/academics. You've been in relationship before that was more physical starting out of the gate. Now you're starting a relationship that is more about just spending time together doing interesting things. Be patient with the process. It's totally okay to be mainly friends first, rather than start off hot and heavy only to burn out quick.
Author passenger1991 Posted August 6, 2018 Author Posted August 6, 2018 Could be that she likes you ... but doesn't feel you as much as she wants. You say you KNOW she likes you ... Man, I would NEVER bet the house on that. Bring this up ... Ask her ... Look, I really feel like touching. Are you uncomfortable with my touch? You gotta ask this ... This is a huge issue between you right now. It's there ... and it ain't gonna magically disappear ... if you can't communicate with her about this, the relationship won't last anyway. So you have nothing to lose. Talk to her and find out what's going on. And I really hate to contradict you here, but you can NEVER rule out that a person is more uncomfortable with us (translation: aren't really into us) as much as they appear to be. Lord knows I have fooled some really smart women who assumed I was really into them because I'm really friendly and talkative. Your dates, I hate to say this as well, being as long as they are ... without much affection ... remind me of dates I went on ... when I really thought the other person was wonderful and smart and interesting ... and yet I didn't feel turned on by them. By this point, the ratio of touching to time should be much higher than it is now ... or you're in friendship territory and just know it yet. Yeah, I see where you are coming from with this. You're right, I will never KNOW what's going on in her head... it just seems that way. The affection was there the night we were in a real quiet spot, late at night with just the two of us. When we had the kiss we just kinda held each other close for a good 20 minutes talking and laughing before I walked her home. And she kisses me with feeling and hugs me close and tight whenever we greet/depart now. Just seems...I dunno, she seems to feel uncomfortable in public. I think I need to try set something up like that other night, when it's just the two of us in a quiet location. The past two dates have been doing active stuff and there's been lots of others around. I don't think I'm entering friendship territory, she knows my intentions and she's not pushing me away or avoiding seeing me. In fact, she's an incredibly busy person and she's been making a lot of time for me. So I'm feeling positive it's heading in the right direction. I did consider wether talking about it with her would be a help or wether it's too soon for that kind of discussion. We're going out again on Wednesday, and I intend on asking her if she wants to come to my place on the weekend so I can cook for her. I'll try set a bit of romantic evening up. I guess her reaction that evening will hold the answers....
Author passenger1991 Posted August 6, 2018 Author Posted August 6, 2018 It sounds like she is cerebral/intellectual...it sounds like she has spend a lot of time in life pursuing goals and like you said she has her crap together. That's awesome. Now, maybe she just needs patience from you to learn how to be more physically affectionate. I don't know about her upbringing...some girls who were raised in a strict atmosphere are more shy in the area of physical intimacy and way more reserved. There are different types of gals in life. Those who spend a LOT of time on relationships with various men starting at a fairly early age and those that reserve it for later while pursuing other things like careers/academics. You've been in relationship before that was more physical starting out of the gate. Now you're starting a relationship that is more about just spending time together doing interesting things. Be patient with the process. It's totally okay to be mainly friends first, rather than start off hot and heavy only to burn out quick. This is a real good answer, thanks! She did have a pretty strict upbringing. Seems a common theme here, patience. Think I need to pull back a bit. Keep what I've been doing but not try to hard to move things forwards too quick, let it happen gradually when she responds more.
MountainGirl111 Posted August 6, 2018 Posted August 6, 2018 Yeah, I see where you are coming from with this. You're right, I will never KNOW what's going on in her head... it just seems that way. The affection was there the night we were in a real quiet spot, late at night with just the two of us. When we had the kiss we just kinda held each other close for a good 20 minutes talking and laughing before I walked her home. And she kisses me with feeling and hugs me close and tight whenever we greet/depart now. Just seems...I dunno, she seems to feel uncomfortable in public. I think I need to try set something up like that other night, when it's just the two of us in a quiet location. The past two dates have been doing active stuff and there's been lots of others around. I don't think I'm entering friendship territory, she knows my intentions and she's not pushing me away or avoiding seeing me. In fact, she's an incredibly busy person and she's been making a lot of time for me. So I'm feeling positive it's heading in the right direction. I did consider wether talking about it with her would be a help or wether it's too soon for that kind of discussion. We're going out again on Wednesday, and I intend on asking her if she wants to come to my place on the weekend so I can cook for her. I'll try set a bit of romantic evening up. I guess her reaction that evening will hold the answers.... Yeah, you may never really know what's in her head and you may actually find that very attractive and stimulating. Obviously you are incredibly drawn to this girl. It's quite possible she is uncomfortable with PDA's. (public displays of affection). But, hey, she can learn. She sounds like a someone with a lot of depth and you won't be bored with someone like this. My advice, coming from a female: Work on good communication. There are ways to communicate what you need....be patient.
MountainGirl111 Posted August 6, 2018 Posted August 6, 2018 This is a real good answer, thanks! She did have a pretty strict upbringing. Seems a common theme here, patience. Think I need to pull back a bit. Keep what I've been doing but not try to hard to move things forwards too quick, let it happen gradually when she responds more. You're welcome. Well, it's likely she is reserved with men at first until she gets to know them really well...and then who knows how affectionate she could be once she trusts you...it's possible she is building trust...maybe she has been burned in the past and therefore is cautious. If that's the case then she may have learned some valuable lessons in life that has made her reserved and that show's she's smart. She's not diving in head first with you from the sounds of it, however that doesn't mean she's not into you. So don't get discouraged if the physical side of things isn't happening as fast as you would like. I take it as a very good sign that the two of you can spend hours together doing enjoyable things or just talking.
Author passenger1991 Posted August 9, 2018 Author Posted August 9, 2018 SO, quick update And I needn't have worried. I picked her up tonight and things were great. We were chatting about the weekend and I just said, "I feel like I might have made you feel a bit uncomfortable" and she said no not at all. I found out that I am the first person she's actually dated. So I guess that explains why the physical intimacy doesn't come natural to her yet. But she was much more relaxed tonight and we shared some really nice moments She's coming round mine on the weekend so I can prepare a nice meal for her and spend the evening in. I'll take it steady, but I guess I can stop over-thinking the situation now
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