I love my girlfriend. We met in a messed up way.

[BaileyB]

OP, that girl's marriage has been dying since long before the very first day you met. She would have left him with or without you around either way.

 

And you know this how exactly... Based on what the OP wrote? Information from a woman who is lying to her husband and engaging in an extramarital affair? And, information from a man who clearly has a vested interested in the end of this marriage.

 

I don't think so. Nobody knows what is really going on in this relationship and nobody can predict the future. The only thing we know for sure is that this woman is still married and cheating on her husband. As such, yes... She has a responsibility to her husband and he is not wrong to be unhappy.

Edited August 6, 2018 by BaileyB

[seixal]

And you know this how exactly... Based on what the OP wrote? Information from a woman who is lying to her husband and engaging in an extramarital affair? And, information from a man who clearly has a vested interested in the end of this marriage.

 

When you're happy with someone, you don't bother going elsewhere. You don't end a marriage the same way you break up with a high school sweetheart. Adult people have responsibilities and separation requires moving out, doing paper work etc. People are scarred to be alone past a certain and prefer to do so once they have someone in mind already. It doesn't sound cute for a dime but it's the real life.

 

She has a responsibility to her husband and he is not wrong to be unhappy.

 

Your statement makes marriage sound like a business contract at best, and slavery at worse.

 

I don't understand why some people seem to believe it is preferable to stay in marriage even if miserable.

[BaileyB]

When you're happy with someone, you don't bother going elsewhere. You don't end a marriage the same way you break up with a high school sweetheart. Adult people have responsibilities and separation requires moving out, doing paper work etc. People are scarred to be alone past a certain and prefer to do so once they have someone in mind already. It doesn't sound cute for a dime but it's the real life.

 

Your statement makes marriage sound like a business contract at best, and slavery at worse.

 

I don't understand why some people seem to believe it is preferable to stay in marriage even if miserable.

 

Well, there are a lot of assumptions in those statements.

 

I don't disagree that they should probably divorce, although I have a strong suspicion that we have different reasons for suggesting divorce as the best option... Perhaps, you are thinking that it would be in the best interest for the wife while I am thinking it would be in the best interest of the husband...

Edited August 6, 2018 by BaileyB

[MountainGirl111]

When you're happy with someone, you don't bother going elsewhere. You don't end a marriage the same way you break up with a high school sweetheart. Adult people have responsibilities and separation requires moving out, doing paper work etc. People are scarred to be alone past a certain and prefer to do so once they have someone in mind already. It doesn't sound cute for a dime but it's the real life.

 

 

 

Your statement makes marriage sound like a business contract at best, and slavery at worse.

 

I don't understand why some people seem to believe it is preferable to stay in marriage even if miserable.

 

Sadly, many people feel "stuck" in marriages that range from unfulfilling to drudgery, to misery, to boredom/lackluster. And, they are legally binding. Perhaps why so many people these days are not bothering with marriage and prefer to just date and/or live together. I tend to agree that when people are in good relationships they don't intentionally look to have their needs met elsewhere. But, I remember one of my aunts who we all thought was in a good marriage with my uncle for many many years and then she "accidentally" stumbled into a man who was more like her soul mate than her husband was. She couldn't deny it and the new man couldn't deny it and they ended up together and she got a divorce. We were all pretty sad about it because they had always been "that married couple" that we thought would be together forever. It was sad, it really was. It was especially sad for my uncle...he was extremely heartbroken.

[heavenonearth]

There is a big difference between breaking your marital vows & cheating on a BF/GF.

 

Somebody needing to lean on another person to find the strength to leave a an abusive relationship is one thing -- not a great thing because there are support services out there that do not involve infidelity. But certain lines, once you cross them, it's easier to cross them the next time. Some people may only cheat once or may develop maturity as they grow up, but caution is always the operative word when you meet people who start one relationship before they are fully finished with another relationship.

 

Besides, this is an internet message board, not a meaningful substitute for genuine professional counseling. Pithy one liners are not unheard of.

 

 

I don't see a difference, a commitment is a commitment.

I also do not think it is great to shame people who are in abusive relationships to not find the right way out, or not being able to lean on support services due to fear of being, for example, killed by their partner if they find out. There could be countless reasons. Trust me, I have been there!

[heavenonearth]

When you're happy with someone, you don't bother going elsewhere. You don't end a marriage the same way you break up with a high school sweetheart. Adult people have responsibilities and separation requires moving out, doing paper work etc. People are scarred to be alone past a certain and prefer to do so once they have someone in mind already. It doesn't sound cute for a dime but it's the real life.

 

Your statement makes marriage sound like a business contract at best, and slavery at worse.

 

I don't understand why some people seem to believe it is preferable to stay in marriage even if miserable.

 

I second that.

[fiskadoro]

I don't see a difference, a commitment is a commitment.

I also do not think it is great to shame people who are in abusive relationships to not find the right way out, or not being able to lean on support services due to fear of being, for example, killed by their partner if they find out. There could be countless reasons. Trust me, I have been there!

 

How exactly do you know that this woman is in an abusive relationship? Your posts sound like you want to attach your experiences to someone you don't know. That bit about people being killed sounds really melodramatic based on what the OP wrote.

 

To the OP, I say that since she seemed to be flirting with you from the very beginning and later telling you she was married, this doesn't strike me as someone who cares about fidelity. Among her many choices were to tell you upfront what her situation was, and allow you to decide whether you wanted to proceed. Instead, she acted single, got you hooked and then, even after you stepped back because she is married, she kept trying to get with you.

 

How much of what she tells you about her situation can you verify? How did her husband find you? If you are troubled about her being married, why not tell her nothing can happen till she is free of her "situation"? If she and this guy have kids together, that's something else to consider. If they don't, then why hasn't she left? The days of women being absolutely trapped and having no options are dwindling quickly, especially when there are no kids involved.

 

Are you willing to ask her why she expects him to do something, and why she hasn't taken more initiative? Are they still living together? What do you expect from this relationship, besides the thrill of being in something illicit?

[heavenonearth]

How exactly do you know that this woman is in an abusive relationship? Your posts sound like you want to attach your experiences to someone you don't know. That bit about people being killed sounds really melodramatic based on what the OP wrote.

 

To the OP, I say that since she seemed to be flirting with you from the very beginning and later telling you she was married, this doesn't strike me as someone who cares about fidelity. Among her many choices were to tell you upfront what her situation was, and allow you to decide whether you wanted to proceed. Instead, she acted single, got you hooked and then, even after you stepped back because she is married, she kept trying to get with you.

 

How much of what she tells you about her situation can you verify? How did her husband find you? If you are troubled about her being married, why not tell her nothing can happen till she is free of her "situation"? If she and this guy have kids together, that's something else to consider. If they don't, then why hasn't she left? The days of women being absolutely trapped and having no options are dwindling quickly, especially when there are no kids involved.

 

Are you willing to ask her why she expects him to do something, and why she hasn't taken more initiative? Are they still living together? What do you expect from this relationship, besides the thrill of being in something illicit?

 

I didn't say she was in an abusive relationship, please re-read my first post. I merely stated that I thought donnivan's assumptions were too absolutist.

[kendahke]

I don't see a difference, a commitment is a commitment.

 

well, with one, the state gets brought in to validate it, there are supposed protections granted to the spouses in a court of law (not testifying against your spouse) and there's a sacrament surrounding it in one faith, so marriage is quite a bit of a different sort of commitment than being boyfriend/girlfriend.

[d0nnivain]

I don't understand why some people seem to believe it is preferable to stay in marriage even if miserable.

 

I never said that. What I said was if you want out of your marriage get out before you start something else.

 

 

I don't see a difference, a commitment is a commitment.

I also do not think it is great to shame people who are in abusive relationships to not find the right way out, or not being able to lean on support services due to fear of being, for example, killed by their partner if they find out. There could be countless reasons. Trust me, I have been there!

 

If you truly think you are in danger of being killed by an abusive spouse I think you are much better off getting involved with the police, lawyers &/or shelters for abused spouses then simply taking up with some stranger new BF/GF. How is that person supposed to protect you if you think the authorities can't?

 

Your opinion that the commitment made between a BF & GF is the same as the commitment made by spouses during a wedding is the same thing is your opinion. I disagree. "I promise we're exclusive" is vastly different then preparing for a year, getting counseling, signing legal documents, invoking God before family & friends and promising "'til death do us part."

 

I have had lots of BFs. While I was a serial monogamist & a bit of a female player, I didn't cheat. Often times I said I did not want exclusivity, especially when I was younger. When I was done or bored, I broke up & then went out with somebody else. My husband is the only one I ever promised that I would never leave. That promise is so much deeper & more important then I promise not to have sex with anybody else while I'm having sex which is the only thing exclusive means.

 

This is why I think breaking marital vows is far worse then cheating on a BF/GF, although that is bad too. It is the primary reason I recommend caution to the OP.

 

If people on LS find my thinking linear or absolutist black & white, OK. I know where my lines are drawn. You are free to draw yours elsewhere.

[ExpatInItaly]

Do we even know if this woman is in an abusive marriage? Where are some getting this impression from?

 

Let's stick to what OP has told us, rather than inserting assumptions which derail the thread to the point that we'd need to open a new one on that specific topic.

[heavenonearth]

well, with one, the state gets brought in to validate it, there are supposed protections granted to the spouses in a court of law (not testifying against your spouse) and there's a sacrament surrounding it in one faith, so marriage is quite a bit of a different sort of commitment than being boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

It is legally (and legally only, because faith is arbitrary), but it has nothing to do with the comment donnivan made, which I was going against in my argument to begin with.

 

Thanks.

[heavenonearth]

Do we even know if this woman is in an abusive marriage? Where are some getting this impression from?

 

Let's stick to what OP has told us, rather than inserting assumptions which derail the thread to the point that we'd need to open a new one on that specific topic.

 

I was just making an example as to why a person may cheat on their spouse, and I was talking from personal experience, in order to defend the absolute statement donnivan made, which essentially stated that 'cheaters are always cheaters'.

Has nothing to do with derailing. I could say the same about the assumption donnivan made. That's all.

[heavenonearth]

I never said that. What I said was if you want out of your marriage get out before you start something else.

 

 

 

 

If you truly think you are in danger of being killed by an abusive spouse I think you are much better off getting involved with the police, lawyers &/or shelters for abused spouses then simply taking up with some stranger new BF/GF. How is that person supposed to protect you if you think the authorities can't?

 

Your opinion that the commitment made between a BF & GF is the same as the commitment made by spouses during a wedding is the same thing is your opinion. I disagree. "I promise we're exclusive" is vastly different then preparing for a year, getting counseling, signing legal documents, invoking God before family & friends and promising "'til death do us part."

 

I have had lots of BFs. While I was a serial monogamist & a bit of a female player, I didn't cheat. Often times I said I did not want exclusivity, especially when I was younger. When I was done or bored, I broke up & then went out with somebody else. My husband is the only one I ever promised that I would never leave. That promise is so much deeper & more important then I promise not to have sex with anybody else while I'm having sex which is the only thing exclusive means.

 

This is why I think breaking marital vows is far worse then cheating on a BF/GF, although that is bad too. It is the primary reason I recommend caution to the OP.

 

If people on LS find my thinking linear or absolutist black & white, OK. I know where my lines are drawn. You are free to draw yours elsewhere.

 

 

Perhaps not suitable for this thread, but I think marriage means absolutely nothing in our society. Most people get divorces anyway, and marriage is not a guarantee for someone not cheating.

 

As I mentioned before, I cheated on my abusive partner with someone else because I fell in love with someone who treated me well and promised me a better future, compared to someone who beat me, spat at me, threatened me, locked me in, undermined me, verbally and emotionally abused me for three years. I could have left prior, yes, but that's not how LIFE works, LIFE is not ideal, circumstances are not always the way we wish for them to be. And due to my personal experiences, I would never, NEVER, shame a woman for her decisions on how she breaks up/leaves/cheats the marriage she is unhappy in (for whatever reason), because LIFE is not perfect, there is no ideal solution in most life circumstances - as OP wrote, things usually are messy, and we make the best of it.

 

That being said, I would never ever cheat on my boyfriend, who I vowed to love until the end of my days, and he vowed to love me, for the end of his days. We won't get married, because we do not believe in marriage, and we do not need marriage to be faithful and committed to one another.

 

What matters is that people find someone they are comfortable with, that people find something GOOD. Something that is worth investing in.

 

I hope OP's affair /crush is going to find a way to leave her marriage behind, take a deep breath, and evaluate if OP is what she wants. It is possible he was just a way out of the marriage -- sometimes we are desperate. The fact that her husband had threatened OP speaks volumes about the husband.

If the woman wants to leave, let her be. Just because he is the husband, does not mean he OWNS her.

I just hope she does leave and makes the right decision for EVERYONE involved, but mostly for herself.

 

 

Good luck OP!

[kendahke]

Do we even know if this woman is in an abusive marriage? Where are some getting this impression from?

 

Let's stick to what OP has told us, rather than inserting assumptions which derail the thread to the point that we'd need to open a new one on that specific topic.

 

Thank you.

 

A lot of this counter-argument has been grounded in projection and not anything having to do with OP's married girlfriend's situation.

[William]

Due to a report on a topic check I did a quick review and moved this thread to our OM/OW forum. Noting no return from the topic starter I will leave the thread open for the time being and will direct members to focus on the topical material offered and, as always, post to engage rather than preach. Thanks!

[JuneL]

Why hasn’t she left her husband already? Since she was the one to make a move, I was wondering if she had other affairs before you? How exactly did the husband “threaten” you?

 

If, by any chance, domestic violence is involved, please help her get the police and social services involved. Please don’t get in the middle of their (broken) marriage. In such a case, she needs to heal before she can get into a serious relationship properly.

[coolheadal]

Wow calm down everyone here getting a bit personal. As for the OP he got himself in a pickle jar. She's married and husband has threaten him to back off his wife. She knew what she was up too. Doesn't matter now that she cheated on her husband, she might have done this prior also. He allows her to cheat to make her happy. OP you have to decide as none of us can't really say otherwise. I've been in your shoes before, it won't end in your favor.

[Aqulesco]

OP-- dont talk to him.. the graveyard is full of guys like you.. Prisons are full of guys who committed crimes of passion.. He will be having a grudge against you for a long time. No matter what happens with his marriage

[crazyguy123]

So I met my girlfriend at this gym. She was extremely friendly and to be honest, I had a crush on her for some time. At the gym, we were training each other and stuff like that. Then things started to get really flirty. She kept flirting with me and stuff like that and I did the same.

 

Oddly, within a few days, she told me she was married. So I became hesitant of pursuing. She kept flirting. I could tell that she wasn't happy in her relationship.

 

Then we started to see each other romantically. She is ideally what I would want in a girl.

 

Then the other guy found out. He ended up joining the gym as well. Then had a talk with me. There were some low key threats in between and stuff like that but I just listened, played it cool and just wanted him to finish what he was saying. He is nearly 2 decades older than her.

 

Anyways, now he wants to talk to me again and I don't really want too. I already spoke to the police. I told her that I don't want to talk to him and stuff like that. But next time I do talk to him, I will record the audio.

 

Anyways, she is going to move to her own place at the end of the month.

 

I know what I did wasn't right. A part of me feels very guilty about it.

 

Please just positive help only!

[Normm]

She is ideally what I would want in a girl.

 

 

Ideal girls don't cheat on their husbands.

[ThreeRainbows]

It's a very shaky foundation. Best of luck.

[Lotsgoingon]

First question: have you ended the affair?

 

That's your first step ...

 

Husband threatened you once earlier ... did you stop the affair then? Or did you continue?

 

I'm guessing you resumed the affair, which is why husband wants to talk again?

 

Explain ... and maybe I can be of more help.

[passenger1991]

In my opinion, if you two are to continue seeing each other, she has to end things with him completely. An affair is messy.

 

 

 

As someone said above, the ideal girl doesn't cheat, I personally wouldn't listen to that advice. I've been here.... I got together with a girl who was seeing a friend of mine at the time. There had been something between us for 2 years but we never acknowledged it because they were together. Anyway, one day we were alone and just couldn't hold off any longer. She broke up with him immediately after (and for the record, me and him are still really good friends, they weren't happy in their relationship and he knew it was coming to an end anyway. We had an open and honest conversation about it.) And.... we were together for 3 very happy years before things went south and I know 100% she never cheated on me and had complete trust in her.

[crazyguy123]

First question: have you ended the affair?

 

That's your first step ...

 

Husband threatened you once earlier ... did you stop the affair then? Or did you continue?

 

I'm guessing you resumed the affair, which is why husband wants to talk again?

 

Explain ... and maybe I can be of more help.

 

It is over between them. She currently is staying with him as she intends on moving out at the end of the month. We have held back seeing each other at the moment as she doesn’t want to upset him and to keep everything as civil as possible.