Ex broke up with me to "find himself"?

[theitalianstallion97]

Hey Everyone,

 

So I [M, 20] was in a long-distance relationship with a guy [M, 22] for just over a year and just earlier on in the month he broke up with me to "find himself". We met on a dating app, complete strangers to one another, but we had an awesome relationship. We go to schools eight hours away, but we live 30 minutes away when home for the summers. Despite being opposites in many ways (myself being an extrovert and him being an introvert), we got along wonderfully and found common ground in our core moral and religious values. We never bickered or had a huge fight and things were totally awesome.

 

Around the beginning of the summer though, he dropped the ball completely and saw me sparingly for a month and a half. He had a busy work schedule and whenever he got out of work he claimed didn't want to spend time on anyone but himself. However, throughout the half of the summer we were still together, he planned three trips - one with his family, another with his friends, and a final trip to Chicago to see his cousin. I spoke up about the matter, telling him I felt like I was not a priority and he honestly told me that although we didn't have to do long distance in the summer months, he preferred the space from me.

 

Fast forward a day or two, he texts me to schedule a date. Ecstatic I confirmed plans and we spent our first day together in months. However, the whole day he seemed distant and emotionally distant. Come 10 or 11 o'clock at night he told me he couldn't be in a relationship anymore and needed to find himself. He also said that he shouldn't have been in a relationship to begin with, but fell for me hard a year ago and forgot. I told him I loved him (for the first time ever, cause better now than never) and He broke down into tears and I comforted him a ton. He said he was stressed out from prepping for his internship and his study abroad and said something had to budge. I literally spent the next hour drying his tears, making him laugh, and reminiscing with him. Obviously nobody wants to break up, but that break up was the IDEAL break-up.

 

Come a week and a half later, to fill the void I downloaded a dating app to simply scroll over some profiles (not looking for anything serious) and I saw his profile.. updated with new pictures of him and everything. I felt like I had been punched in the gut, so I did the foolish thing and reached out to him through text. I poured my heart to him and four days later he replied with a text saying he wasn't ignoring me and that he had a message he felt was well-thought out. He gist of the message was that we had something awesome, but that he broke up with me when we were at an all time high so he didn't resent the relationship or me in the coming months. Over all, the message was emotionally distant and reeked of "I'm getting over you, you should get over me too". A far far cry from him sobbing in my car a week and a half earlier.

 

It has been a month now - I have deleted him off all social media except for Instagram and have noticed that he dipped down but is now back at the top of my Instagram stories viewers (meaning, he is creeping on my profile).

 

I don't know what to think of this entire situation, I can't read him or what he wants but I know for a fact I will not be breaking no contact unless he reaches out.

 

I just want to know if there's ever a chance to date him again, because we had the most unproblematic and pleasant relationship in the world and I loved him (and still do).

 

In past relationships he was cheated on and treated like garbage and he said I was one of the best boyfriends he has ever had or ever will have. I would surprise him with care-packages, pray with him, give him plenty of alone time, and so much more. I was his first boyfriend that didn't pressure him to have sex and I believe in God just as he does. He said he didn't have to settle with me, like he had in the past. I would do literally anything for him, but he just tossed me aside like I was nothing. I checked all his boxes, but he still left.

 

I also want to know if "finding himself" is just a cop out line or if he truly needs to find himself? He is a very introspective person and I could see that being a true need of his, but him being on a dating app days after breaking up with me seems sketchy.

 

Thoughts, opinions??

[ExpatInItaly]

I also want to know if "finding himself" is just a cop out line or if he truly needs to find himself? He is a very introspective person and I could see that being a true need of his, but him being on a dating app days after breaking up with me seems sketchy.

 

In this case, yes. I wouldn't label it a "cop-out," necessarily, but he told you that to soften the blow of breaking up with you. It's evidently not true that he wants to be alone on concentrate on himself. As you say, he is on a dating app and has been spending plenty of time with others this summer. That isn't the behaviour of a guy who is struggling and wants to be single; he just didn't know how else to tell you he wanted to end the relationship.

 

I'm sorry, because I know it's disappointing. But it sounds like it just wasn't there for him anymore after the initial honeymoon period was over. Add long-distance to that, and it didn't have the legs to survive. You sound like a lovely and kind-hearted girl; the right guy will appreciate those qualities and not let you go.

[Beachead]

Hey Everyone,

 

So I [M, 20] was in a long-distance relationship with a guy [M, 22] for just over a year and just earlier on in the month he broke up with me to "find himself". We met on a dating app, complete strangers to one another, but we had an awesome relationship. We go to schools eight hours away, but we live 30 minutes away when home for the summers. Despite being opposites in many ways (myself being an extrovert and him being an introvert), we got along wonderfully and found common ground in our core moral and religious values. We never bickered or had a huge fight and things were totally awesome.

 

Around the beginning of the summer though, he dropped the ball completely and saw me sparingly for a month and a half. He had a busy work schedule and whenever he got out of work he claimed didn't want to spend time on anyone but himself. However, throughout the half of the summer we were still together, he planned three trips - one with his family, another with his friends, and a final trip to Chicago to see his cousin. I spoke up about the matter, telling him I felt like I was not a priority and he honestly told me that although we didn't have to do long distance in the summer months, he preferred the space from me.

 

Fast forward a day or two, he texts me to schedule a date. Ecstatic I confirmed plans and we spent our first day together in months. However, the whole day he seemed distant and emotionally distant. Come 10 or 11 o'clock at night he told me he couldn't be in a relationship anymore and needed to find himself. He also said that he shouldn't have been in a relationship to begin with, but fell for me hard a year ago and forgot. I told him I loved him (for the first time ever, cause better now than never) and He broke down into tears and I comforted him a ton. He said he was stressed out from prepping for his internship and his study abroad and said something had to budge. I literally spent the next hour drying his tears, making him laugh, and reminiscing with him. Obviously nobody wants to break up, but that break up was the IDEAL break-up.

 

Come a week and a half later, to fill the void I downloaded a dating app to simply scroll over some profiles (not looking for anything serious) and I saw his profile.. updated with new pictures of him and everything. I felt like I had been punched in the gut, so I did the foolish thing and reached out to him through text. I poured my heart to him and four days later he replied with a text saying he wasn't ignoring me and that he had a message he felt was well-thought out. He gist of the message was that we had something awesome, but that he broke up with me when we were at an all time high so he didn't resent the relationship or me in the coming months. Over all, the message was emotionally distant and reeked of "I'm getting over you, you should get over me too". A far far cry from him sobbing in my car a week and a half earlier.

 

It has been a month now - I have deleted him off all social media except for Instagram and have noticed that he dipped down but is now back at the top of my Instagram stories viewers (meaning, he is creeping on my profile).

 

I don't know what to think of this entire situation, I can't read him or what he wants but I know for a fact I will not be breaking no contact unless he reaches out.

 

I just want to know if there's ever a chance to date him again, because we had the most unproblematic and pleasant relationship in the world and I loved him (and still do).

 

In past relationships he was cheated on and treated like garbage and he said I was one of the best boyfriends he has ever had or ever will have. I would surprise him with care-packages, pray with him, give him plenty of alone time, and so much more. I was his first boyfriend that didn't pressure him to have sex and I believe in God just as he does. He said he didn't have to settle with me, like he had in the past. I would do literally anything for him, but he just tossed me aside like I was nothing. I checked all his boxes, but he still left.

 

I also want to know if "finding himself" is just a cop out line or if he truly needs to find himself? He is a very introspective person and I could see that being a true need of his, but him being on a dating app days after breaking up with me seems sketchy.

 

Thoughts, opinions??

 

Hey OP,

 

Him wanting to find himself is true but he also wants to date others and see what's out there. He left that part out because he didn't want hurt you anymore than what he was doing. His tears were only for the guilt he felt for hurting a person whom he knows did nothing wrong to him. When you consoled him, he felt even more guilty and bad about himself. The tears were essentially more for him, than for you.

 

One thing to learn for the future is a breakup never comes from an impulse decision. If someone chooses to end it, it's likely because they had been thinking about it for awhile..maybe a few months. When you started to feel the distance from is likely when he started to think about it. That's another thing to take from this..as soon as you feel distance in the relationship, it means something. It's your intuition telling you something is up.

 

In the grand scheme of both your lives, you two are young and there is going to be a lot of change and transformative milestones in your life. You mentioned him going away to study abroad as well as planning 3 trips to see his family and friends and that you felt like you weren't a priority. You feel that way because you weren't a priority. A person who sees a future with you and wants to be with you will not do things to distance from you but will do things to ensure you two remain close and connected.

 

To put bluntly, you should take this as you gave your best and he chose to walk away from it and in this process has chosen to try someone new in the future, if not already. I know that also stings but the sooner you see it that way, the faster you will be able to move passed this and heal.

 

Don't contact him again. Continue NC and give yourself some leeway to process the pain. It may take several months to a year to recover fully. In that time, let yourself cry it out and feel the things you need to feel but don't give up on yourself. Healing will be slow but you will recover. I promise you that.

 

If he messages you again, I would be real careful, he has already taken your best and left you despite it..he is very capable of doing it again. I apologize for giving such hard news.

 

Stay strong

 

- Beach

Edited August 6, 2018 by Beachead

[ExpatInItaly]

In this case, yes. I wouldn't label it a "cop-out," necessarily, but he told you that to soften the blow of breaking up with you. It's evidently not true that he wants to be alone on concentrate on himself. As you say, he is on a dating app and has been spending plenty of time with others this summer. That isn't the behaviour of a guy who is struggling and wants to be single; he just didn't know how else to tell you he wanted to end the relationship.

 

I'm sorry, because I know it's disappointing. But it sounds like it just wasn't there for him anymore after the initial honeymoon period was over. Add long-distance to that, and it didn't have the legs to survive. You sound like a lovely and kind-hearted girl; the right guy will appreciate those qualities and not let you go.

 

My apologies OP, that should read a lovely and kind-hearted guy. I misread your first post, indicating that you are male.

[d0nnivain]

Wanting to "find himself" is a lie he told you to soften the blow of the break up. There could be a lot of reasons for it but only he knows exactly why he wanted out. Doesn't really matter; he wanted out.

 

Take the rest of the summer & mourn the loss of a relationship that was so precious to you. Delete him off your IG feed. When school returns throw yourself back into everything on campus with gusto

[theitalianstallion97]

Hey OP,

 

Him wanting to find himself is true but he also wants to date others and see what's out there. He left that part out because he didn't want hurt you anymore than what he was doing. His tears were only for the guilt he felt for hurting a person whom he knows did nothing wrong to him. When you consoled him, he felt even more guilty and bad about himself. The tears were essentially more for him, than for you.

 

One thing to learn for the future is a breakup never comes from an impulse decision. If someone chooses to end it, it's likely because they had been thinking about it for awhile..maybe a few months. When you started to feel the distance from is likely when he started to think about it. That's another thing to take from this..as soon as you feel distance in the relationship, it means something. It's your intuition telling you something is up.

 

In the grand scheme of both your lives, you two are young and there is going to be a lot of change and transformative milestones in your life. You mentioned him going away to study abroad as well as planning 3 trips to see his family and friends and that you felt like you weren't a priority. You feel that way because you weren't a priority. A person who sees a future with you and wants to be with you will not do things to distance from you but will do things to ensure you two remain close and connected.

 

To put bluntly, you should take this as you gave your best and he chose to walk away from it and in this process has chosen to try someone new in the future, if not already. I know that also stings but the sooner you see it that way, the faster you will be able to move passed this and heal.

 

Don't contact him again. Continue NC and give yourself some leeway to process the pain. It may take several months to a year to recover fully. In that time, let yourself cry it out and feel the things you need to feel but don't give up on yourself. Healing will be slow but you will recover. I promise you that.

 

If he messages you again, I would be real careful, he has already taken your best and left you despite it..he is very capable of doing it again. I apologize for giving such hard news.

 

Stay strong

 

- Beach

I believe you are right in saying that he really does want to spend time on himself, as well as casually seeing other people. He is a very introspective and emotional person who gets easily overwhelmed, so I understand that he had a ton on his plate and is overwhelmed with it all at the moment.

 

The thing I don't understand is why was he prioritizing other people in his spare time from his work, rather than me? We never had a huge fight, we got along swimmingly, and we had a few common interests. I literally literally jumped through hoops and sacrificed two trips to Flordia with family and a trip to Guatemala in the past year so I could see him during break time.

 

I did so much for him, loved him despite any faults he had, and was super supportive and loyal. I make care-packages for him for his birthday, halloween, Chrstmas, and finals week and I would even surprise him every once in a while with a giftcard or muscle tee. More importantly, I gave him my time and my heart and had he not let go I would have married the guy. He wanted to get married, have an ice-cream cake wedding cake, have kids, and go to church and he said he wanted all of that with me. Now, thats all vanished and his last message to me included that he "liked me very much"

 

I don't understand how someone can go from planning their future with you to dropping you out of the blue and signing back up for a dating app.

 

He said he liked me, said he wanted to see me, but when it came down to it his actions didn't match it and I called him out on it.

 

If he ever resurfaces, I would like to be the bigger person and give him a second chance. BUT, that would only come on three conditions 1) He reaches out to me, 2) He says he wants to get back together, 3) His actions and words align.

 

I am just upset that when push came to shove, after the year spent together and all the text messages about how he would "never leave the amazing man I am" and would "never let another man have my heart" that he ended up bolting.

 

He is not going to find another guy like me that will give their heart to him like I did, I laid it all down and I loved him with all of me. I checked all his boxes and I KNOW it's hard it find a gay Christian man out there, I'm one of the few.

[theitalianstallion97]

Wanting to "find himself" is a lie he told you to soften the blow of the break up. There could be a lot of reasons for it but only he knows exactly why he wanted out. Doesn't really matter; he wanted out.

 

Take the rest of the summer & mourn the loss of a relationship that was so precious to you. Delete him off your IG feed. When school returns throw yourself back into everything on campus with gusto

I don't understand why he wanted out though, I gave him everything he could ever ask for in a boyfriend. I don't mean to be cocky, but no one else is going to treat him as well as I did.

 

We were perfect and if what you said is true about "finding himself" being a lie, than thats just sad. I would have laid my life down for him and he repays me by bolting.

[theitalianstallion97]

My apologies OP, that should read a lovely and kind-hearted guy. I misread your first post, indicating that you are male.

I don't understand how I can pour my heart out and be treated this way, especially by someone I thought had the same loving and caring heart as mine. I don't get it. We never fought, we got along wonderfully, and we had the same faith background and morals. We wanted the same things in the future - marriage, a house, kids, the picket fence... all of it. I don't get how he could bolt on what we had.

[BC1980]

I don't understand how I can pour my heart out and be treated this way, especially by someone I thought had the same loving and caring heart as mine. I don't get it. We never fought, we got along wonderfully, and we had the same faith background and morals. We wanted the same things in the future - marriage, a house, kids, the picket fence... all of it. I don't get how he could bolt on what we had.

 

Because he doesn't feel the same way. You're projecting how you feel about the relationship onto him. It's an easy thing to do when you are in a relationship with someone. If he felt the same way, he would be with you. Also, you're long distance the majority of the time. Long distance doesn't work unless you are making plans for someone to relocate. IMO, you're both a bit young and not at the right point in your lives to be making a big decision like relocating to be with someone. You're both in college right?

[ExpatInItaly]

Because he doesn't feel the same way. You're projecting how you feel about the relationship onto him. It's an easy thing to do when you are in a relationship with someone. If he felt the same way, he would be with you. Also, you're long distance the majority of the time. Long distance doesn't work unless you are making plans for someone to relocate. IMO, you're both a bit young and not at the right point in your lives to be making a big decision like relocating to be with someone. You're both in college right?

 

Yes, I agree. It's hard, OP, but you will eventually see that being the best partner in the world doesn't mean the other person will fall in love and stay in love. Sometimes the feelings just aren't there, and all the care packages and loving gestures in the universe can't change that.

 

I think your ages have a lot to do with this too, as BC points out. You're both young and he evidently had a change of heart. This isn't unusual when you have less life experience and are still curious as to what else is out there. He's not ready to settle down. The long-distance aspects compounds this problem, as LDR requires the type of commitment and effort many people just are not willing to put in for a long period of time.

[Beachead]

I believe you are right in saying that he really does want to spend time on himself, as well as casually seeing other people. He is a very introspective and emotional person who gets easily overwhelmed, so I understand that he had a ton on his plate and is overwhelmed with it all at the moment.

 

The thing I don't understand is why was he prioritizing other people in his spare time from his work, rather than me? We never had a huge fight, we got along swimmingly, and we had a few common interests. I literally literally jumped through hoops and sacrificed two trips to Flordia with family and a trip to Guatemala in the past year so I could see him during break time.

 

I did so much for him, loved him despite any faults he had, and was super supportive and loyal. I make care-packages for him for his birthday, halloween, Chrstmas, and finals week and I would even surprise him every once in a while with a giftcard or muscle tee. More importantly, I gave him my time and my heart and had he not let go I would have married the guy. He wanted to get married, have an ice-cream cake wedding cake, have kids, and go to church and he said he wanted all of that with me. Now, thats all vanished and his last message to me included that he "liked me very much"

 

I don't understand how someone can go from planning their future with you to dropping you out of the blue and signing back up for a dating app.

 

He said he liked me, said he wanted to see me, but when it came down to it his actions didn't match it and I called him out on it.

 

If he ever resurfaces, I would like to be the bigger person and give him a second chance. BUT, that would only come on three conditions 1) He reaches out to me, 2) He says he wants to get back together, 3) His actions and words align.

 

I am just upset that when push came to shove, after the year spent together and all the text messages about how he would "never leave the amazing man I am" and would "never let another man have my heart" that he ended up bolting.

 

He is not going to find another guy like me that will give their heart to him like I did, I laid it all down and I loved him with all of me. I checked all his boxes and I KNOW it's hard it find a gay Christian man out there, I'm one of the few.

 

Because he lost interest in you and he felt guilty so he covered up the truth by masking it within a half truth. "I just need to find myself" is what he is essentially doing but he just left out the part that this included trying other people. A half-truth.

 

You love him so you are trying to understand and rationalize his behaviour because you don't want to believe this. Being with you over time started to feel like an obligation. He started to feel trapped. Started to feel bad about himself. It drained him. Being around anything or anyone else but you started to relieve that. So he started choosing to be around what made him feel better which was when you started to pick up on the distance..the withdrawing..the breaks being firmly applied on the relationship. What caused it? Likely the distance and the stage of life he is at, due to his age.

 

I know this is painful to hear, thinking about all you did for this person and all the promises they made. You wonder..how could they just leave that? You are still evaluating him based on the assumption that he felt what you felt.

What you need to accept is that he didn't feel what you felt and the evidence in the fact that he left. I've been told "I love you" and 'I see a future with you" only to be thrown away when push came to shove as well. It broke me as well. This is when you'll learn to take what people tell you with a grain of salt and focus more on what they do and don't do. It's in the actions. And the larger the discrepancy between words and actions, the more likely there is something wrong. That is how I can pick up on things before they happen.

 

You will process this and heal with time.

 

- Beach

Edited August 10, 2018 by Beachead

[theitalianstallion97]

Because he lost interest in you and he felt guilty so he covered up the truth by masking it within a half truth. "I just need to find myself" is what he is essentially doing but he just left out the part that this included trying other people. A half-truth.

 

You love him so you are trying to understand and rationalize his behaviour because you don't want to believe this. Being with you over time started to feel like an obligation. He started to feel trapped. Started to feel bad about himself. It drained him. Being around anything or anyone else but you started to relieve that. So he started choosing to be around what made him feel better which was when you started to pick up on the distance..the withdrawing..the breaks being firmly applied on the relationship. What caused it? Likely the distance and the stage of life he is at, due to his age.

 

I know this is painful to hear, thinking about all you did for this person and all the promises they made. You wonder..how could they just leave that? You are still evaluating him based on the assumption that he felt what you felt.

What you need to accept is that he didn't feel what you felt and the evidence in the fact that he left. I've been told "I love you" and 'I see a future with you" only to be thrown away when push came to shove as well. It broke me as well. This is when you'll learn to take what people tell you with a grain of salt and focus more on what they do and don't do. It's in the actions. And the larger the discrepancy between words and actions, the more likely there is something wrong. That is how I can pick up on things before they happen.

 

You will process this and heal with time.

 

- Beach

I did not mean to be a burden to him, drain him, or make him feel bad about himself. I always encouraged him and I always gave him his space and made sacrifices so he could play his video games and go out with friends. I never demanded I be the only priority in his life, only that I be a priority.

 

A week before we split I told him over a skype call that actions speak louder than words and yet he argued saying that he did like me very much, that he wanted to see me, and that I was accusing him of not trying and so on.. I think it hit him eventually during our call and He went silent. I told I would have to break up with him if he didn't step things up, but he stopped me. Then a week later, he technically broke up with me. He didn't really have the words and I had to ask him if he wanted to break up. He seemed torn.

 

Do you think should he resurface someday, that I should give him a second chance? If he is a few years older, more mature, has been with other people, and we are not long-distance, would we stand a chance?

 

How would I even respond if hit me up? What would I do to gauge if his actions speak louder than his words? I have heard that dumpers usually get sad and check in at about six months to eight months, but in my opinion thats not enough time to change.

[ExpatInItaly]

Do you think should he resurface someday, that I should give him a second chance? If he is a few years older, more mature, has been with other people, and we are not long-distance, would we stand a chance?

 

How would I even respond if hit me up? What would I do to gauge if his actions speak louder than his words? I have heard that dumpers usually get sad and check in at about six months to eight months, but in my opinion thats not enough time to change.

 

It is impossible to say now what you should do about a hypothetical. You don't want to waste too much energy thinking about something that might never happen. In other words, cross that bridge if and when you come to it.

 

It's true that a few dumpers come back, but it does not always mean they stay back or that the relationship starts again. More often that not, in my experience, one or both people move on.

[Beachead]

I did not mean to be a burden to him, drain him, or make him feel bad about himself. I always encouraged him and I always gave him his space and made sacrifices so he could play his video games and go out with friends. I never demanded I be the only priority in his life, only that I be a priority.

 

A week before we split I told him over a skype call that actions speak louder than words and yet he argued saying that he did like me very much, that he wanted to see me, and that I was accusing him of not trying and so on.. I think it hit him eventually during our call and He went silent. I told I would have to break up with him if he didn't step things up, but he stopped me. Then a week later, he technically broke up with me. He didn't really have the words and I had to ask him if he wanted to break up. He seemed torn.

 

Do you think should he resurface someday, that I should give him a second chance? If he is a few years older, more mature, has been with other people, and we are not long-distance, would we stand a chance?

 

How would I even respond if hit me up? What would I do to gauge if his actions speak louder than his words? I have heard that dumpers usually get sad and check in at about six months to eight months, but in my opinion thats not enough time to change.

 

First of, you were yourself and gave your best and there is nothing else you could have done to change the outcome of him leaving. I hope you find solace in that. It's not on you it's not your fault and it's not your sole responsibility to make a relationship work. He has to put his work in too which he is not because he wanted out. The only other thing you could do was pretend to be someone else self-deceit will never last. The relationship would have ended in this case as well. So, overall, the relationship was on his way to ending no matter what and it was because of him.

 

I don't know if you would stand a chance in the future. It's all speculation and guesses if we were to discuss that so all you can do right now for yourself is to focus on what is right now. And "what is" right now is..he's gone and we don't know if he'll ever come back and that is how you have to proceed. If you hold onto hope, you will remain stuck...for as long as you continue to hold on. You won't develop in any angle in your life because you'll still be attached to an outcome of him coming back and so every decision you make in your life will be for that. For that reason, make sure you understand the reality of the situation very clearly.

 

To gauge his intentions if he ever contacts you, it'll likely come in a instant message or text. I'd keep things short and would schedule a meetup with him very quickly. This way, you'll be able to call bs very quickly. In regards to people changing, 6-8 months may be enough time to make some adjustments to his life but not enough time to change the core of who he is. That level of change requires a few years of disciplined investment or something traumatic.

 

But I would not allow myself to entertain these thoughts. I would begin to accept that its over and then focus my energy into grieving and healing from that reality so that I can return back to a strong healthy me.

 

- Beach

Edited August 10, 2018 by Beachead

[Melrose78]

Know ur worth. Yes u put a lot into the relationship but he wasn't into u. It doesn't mean anything less of u. Allow urself time to grieve. But please don't hold onto the thought that one day u may get back together. It will make healing take longer n make it more painful.

Ur worth more then that x

[d0nnivain]

I don't understand why he wanted out though, I gave him everything he could ever ask for in a boyfriend. I don't mean to be cocky, but no one else is going to treat him as well as I did.

 

We were perfect and if what you said is true about "finding himself" being a lie, than thats just sad. I would have laid my life down for him and he repays me by bolting.[/quote

 

I'm sure you gave it your all but he probably grew tired of the distance. You really didn't give him everything because you two were not in the same locale on a regular basis.

 

Yes, it sucks that you put a lot into this relationship & it didn't work out but you will live to love again. This time try somebody closer.

[theitalianstallion97]

Here's the last thing he texted me after I caved and reached out to him a week after our break up:

 

**********l,

 

I haven’t been ignoring you, I just needed time to think up and write out my response.

 

We had a great relationship, you’re right. It was awesome and one of the best relationships I’ve ever had and I’m sure will have. It really sucks that you questions if my feelings for you were real. I liked you, *********. You know that. I explained the reason why I wanted to break up and I thought we had some clarity. At this point in time of my life, I can’t do a relationship. I know I can’t, you know I can’t, everyone knows I can’t.

 

I promised forever because that’s what I believed could happen. Once summer hit, I realized that a relationship was not possible. I didn’t stop caring, *******. I cared enough to do something about it before I became angry with us or before I resented the relationship. That’s not what I wanted. I tried my best to explain that so I apologize if I didn’t get that across well.

 

You know that I wasn’t looking for something to fill my time. You know that. I wouldn’t have done a long distance relationship just to fill my time. I’m really sorry that I’ve hurt you and that I’ve caused you pain. You know that’s not what I wanted to have happen.

 

I hope this is a sort of closure that you’re wanting or that will help you.. you know I care about you, but you also know that I want to take care of myself too. I need to focus on myself and really learn more about me. The ability to have a relationship is just not possible for me right now, and I know that. I knew that last summer but ignored it because we had a great relationship that had formed. But as time went on, reality hit again.

 

This is hard, I know. And I’m doing what I know is best for me, and I think you need to do whats best for you, whatever that may be. I think we both have a lot to work on in terms of finding ourselves.

 

- ??????????

[theitalianstallion97]

Any thoughts? I'm just trying to analyze his reasons for leaving and decide where that puts me should he resurface. I just have this gut feeling he is going to return months of years down the line and I don't know what to think.

[ExpatInItaly]

There's really nothing to analyze, OP.

 

He respects you and thinks you're a good guy, but he doesn't want this relationship any longer. I think he is trying to be gentle as he knows you are hurting and don't understand why exactly this is happening. My assumption is that it's a combination of various factors: lack of mutual romantic feelings, distance, age.

 

As for whether he'll resurface - that's anyone's guess. Honestly, there's no point planning for that right now, because it might never happen. Even if it did, you have no idea right how you will feel in 6 months, a year, two years. There is every chance you wouldn't even be interested anymore. Cross that bridge if you come to it, in other words. But realize it's a big if. Too many dumpees keep themselves in limbo rather than trying to focus on healing.

[Zahara]

Any thoughts? I'm just trying to analyze his reasons for leaving and decide where that puts me should he resurface. I just have this gut feeling he is going to return months of years down the line and I don't know what to think.

 

There is no point in worrying about that now because worrying about what hasn't happened yet is a futile effort. Your focus should be on your current position -- healing, moving on and keeping NC with him.

 

If he should come back months or years from now, you will likely be in a completely different mindset and you will be able to make better decisions based on your situation at that moment. He may not be as interesting and you may even possibly be seeing other people when that happens so don't look so far ahead.

 

So forget about the what ifs -- his message NOW is telling you that he does not want a relationship and that he is moving on. Accept that and try to focus on pushing forward.

[CantTakeMySmile]

I think he has broken it down very clearly that he does not want a relationship with you. Feel thankful that there is no question. No many people receive such a clear closure.