Dating my ex-girlfriends adopted brother!!? It's a minefield!!

[Sparkes]

Firstly, I’m sorry if this is long, I’ve got so much going around in my head right now I just need to unload, where people don't know me or us. I’ll try and be as concise as possible.

 

I’m 22. I’m gay. I’ve been gay – well always lol – but I came out at 18. I’ve had two long term relationships, 1yr at 18 which ended when she cheated on me with my friend (fab!), and then I met my, I’ll call her my current ex, when I was 20 and we split up 3 months ago, basically she started developing feelings for one of her friends and then decided that she wanted to give it a go with her so, yeah, great to be me eh!?

 

Additional details here: My ex is 21, in the couple of years we were together I got very close to her family, stayed there lots, went on holiday with them etc etc. She has an elder sister (25) and two adopted brothers (10 & 24), her parents adopted them when they were 18mths & 15 because her mum couldn’t bare the thought of them being split up in the care system. (Stay with me, it becomes relevant). Her older brother was 15 when he came to live with them and had had a very difficult life thus far, and was sort of trouble with a capital T. He has settled a lot now, bit of a womanizer, bit of a rouge, but not in any real trouble these days but my ex and him have never really got along, she resents the upheaval that he caused her family, the stress he’s caused her mum and dad. I understand. They are alright now, but not close.

 

So, the me and him thing, as much as it seems like a terrible revenge rebound, really wasn’t, it just happened!

- I went out to try and forget some of my sorrows following the breakup with my ex, and when I bumped into him it was as simple as I was very very drunk, a little emotional, I couldn’t find my friend and he, he was a friendly face in the crowd. He took me home. He was the perfect gent!

- When I went out and met him the next night and took him home, maybe that was my ill advised drunken rebound, my f you to her, to the system, to everything!

- What I didn’t expect was to have such a great chat with him the next morning over breakfast, or to find myself texting him, waiting for him to text me back. I didn’t plan to keep seeing him and to start liking him! When we spoke about my ex one night early on and he said she was ‘utterly mad to let a girl like me go’ I thought it was just one of those things you say to someone - I never expected that shortly he’d confess to apparently having had feelings for me from as soon as we met!! I had no idea he’d felt like that all this time!

 

So I’ve been seeing him, and it’s been about almost 2 months, we kept it very down low as long as we could but his (and my ex’s) family found out a couple of weeks ago (which imploded initially, but now her mum seems super stoked for the whole thing, she thinks that he has really softened since being with me) and people knowing just seems to make everything more real and put so much pressure on and I’ve still got so many questions in my head...

 

• I’M GAY!! I’ve had no doubts about that since I was like 17! It’s not even that I’m doubting it now, it’s just that I really like him!! I’d have to be blind to not find him attractive, everyone does, but it’s not just that, he so much more than what I had him down for, than what the world sees! He’s funny, and he’s so sweet, and even though hes a real ‘boy’ – a man’s man – he’s also really romantic, surprisingly soft. He makes me feel more special, cherished, and safer than anyone ever has.
  
• But I’m gay!! …I’m so confused
  
• I don’t know how I feel about her, my ex! I loved her, part of me maybe still does. I don’t know, I can’t separate my feelings for her, and my feelings about the situation, and my feelings for him. I don’t want her back, but I still feel ..something
  
• Its all way to quick! I should be by myself for at least 6 months, and find myself, and blah blah blah everything else they tell you on the internet. It’s too quick, but it feels..natural, it doesn’t feel like a rebound
  
• Why me!? I’ve seen him with women over the last couple of years, he doesn’t do long term, he doesn’t do love.. I don’t lack self confidence (I do have insecurities and I have had my heart broken but I do still have a sense of self worth) but theres nothing special about me, I’m not the most beautiful, the funniest, the cleverest, I’m not the most anything in particular. He could have any girl in the room, and yet he dotes on me, i don't understand why!
  

[Millie the Cat]

I think just enjoy the relationship with this guy, and see where it could lead. Don't overthink it. Obviously you're not gay. You are bi.

[Sparkes]

I think just enjoy the relationship with this guy, and see where it could lead. Don't overthink it. Obviously you're not gay. You are bi.

I know I’m overthinking badly, and I shouldn’t. I just really don’t want to hurt the guy either. I’ve never seen him so...I don’t know, I’ve just never seen this side to him.

I guess I must be.. it’s weird, I’ve noticed when guys are attractive before obviously, and I know he’s very handsome, but I’ve never felt anything more than that, I’ve never felt that chemistry, that attraction, with a guy before. I didn’t feel it with him until recently, but now I’ll look at him and think ‘dammnn’!

[damni]

You are obviously not a lesbian, your bisexual.

 

If I was your ex, I be pissed and it is ****ty of the adopted brother to go after his sister ex.

[Sparkes]

If I was your ex, I be pissed and it is ****ty of the adopted brother to go after his sister ex.

Well yes, they've had this argument. I know she felt he'd crossed a line and wasnt happy that he's supposedly always felt this way about me. From his point of view, they've never been close although they rub along okay for the most part at the moment, and he's feels like she treated me badly, had her chance, and says that he wouldnt take me for granted like that.

 

It's hard all round.. I still care about her, but also I always really respected the person she was and after the way she messed me around that has changed! She swore for weeks there was nothing between her and this girl, then she told me she did feel something but was totally committed to us, and then obviously next thing I know they are 'giving it a go'. I felt an idiot. And it broke my heart.

So then I think.. I don't owe her anything, if he makes me happy then why should I not just go for it!?

Its just complicated!! I want to be around him, and when I'm around him it feels right, but when i'm not.. I overthink it!!

[MountainGirl111]

One of the hardest things for some of us to learn in life is to NOT overthink things. That advice has been imparted to me from time to time and when I TOOK that advice, it helped! So, try not to overthink it...maybe even step away from it and give it some time/space. You're still healing from her? Now you and her brother and interested in each other...and it's just a little too close for comfort. It's a complicated web that's being woven. I understand that when you are falling for someone you're falling for someone and you don't just turn those feelings off...but yikes-it's complicated, that's for sure. Are you up for it? Really up for it?

[damni]

Well yes, they've had this argument. I know she felt he'd crossed a line and wasnt happy that he's supposedly always felt this way about me. From his point of view, they've never been close although they rub along okay for the most part at the moment, and he's feels like she treated me badly, had her chance, and says that he wouldnt take me for granted like that.

 

It's hard all round.. I still care about her, but also I always really respected the person she was and after the way she messed me around that has changed! She swore for weeks there was nothing between her and this girl, then she told me she did feel something but was totally committed to us, and then obviously next thing I know they are 'giving it a go'. I felt an idiot. And it broke my heart.

So then I think.. I don't owe her anything, if he makes me happy then why should I not just go for it!?

Its just complicated!! I want to be around him, and when I'm around him it feels right, but when i'm not.. I overthink it!!

 

I do not think YOU are doing anything wrong, however I do think subconsciously there is a reason your boyfriend went after his sister ex girlfriend. You say they never got on, I wonder if this is his F you to his adopted sister and deep down it gives him a thrill knowing he got one over on her.

 

I would keep that in mind but regardless even if that was the case, that does not mean he does not have genuine feelings for you.

 

Also you may still have some lingering feelings for your ex but after the way she treated you, I certainly would not dwell on it and let it effect what you may have with this guy. But its early days, I think you need calm down a bit.

[Sparkes]

One of the hardest things for some of us to learn in life is to NOT overthink things. That advice has been imparted to me from time to time and when I TOOK that advice, it helped!

I know!! Overthinking is probably causing 98% of my stress, but it’s really hard to stop! I do worry about things more than I’d ever admit, I guess old habits die hard!

You're still healing from her? Now you and her brother and interested in each other...and it's just a little too close for comfort. It's a complicated web that's being woven. I understand that when you are falling for someone you're falling for someone and you don't just turn those feelings off...but yikes-it's complicated, that's for sure. Are you up for it? Really up for it?

I don’t know!!!

I like him, probably more than I admit to myself - I know that because this whole situation would be 100% less complicated if I didn’t like him - but I do!

I’m definitely still healing from her!! I thought she was the one, I was really hurt!

Am I really up for it? ...if I take away all those worried that are my bullet points then yeah I am, but with all the worry in my head as well.. I dont know

[Sparkes]

I do not think YOU are doing anything wrong, however I do think subconsciously there is a reason your boyfriend went after his sister ex girlfriend. You say they never got on, I wonder if this is his F you to his adopted sister and deep down it gives him a thrill knowing he got one over on her.

It crossed my mind becauseike I said I do think ‘why me’ sometimes, I’ve never known him be serious about a girl ever!!

But, he’s don’t stupid things, but he’s never shown himself to be manipulative in anyway! He never caused any problems while we were together, it was my

Ex that ended things. And... although they’ve never got along great they have a weird relationship - they are similar in a lot of ways, probably why they clash, they’ve both defended the other fiercely when called upon to do so to anyone outside the family! That sort of, I don’t like her but you’re not allowed to not like her mentality!

I just don’t think he’d do that! ....I actually trust him, at a point in my life where I’m finding trust very hard to come by

 

Also you may still have some lingering feelings for your ex but after the way she treated you, I certainly would not dwell on it and let it effect what you may have with this guy.

I know! Like I know some of my friends think I gave her too much opportunity to choose, I should have just walked away! But i honestly thought she was the one and I wanted her to choose me, not just stick it out with me! And even though that backfired and I’m left the fool, at least I know that I didn’t walk away from our relationship, I gave everything I had, i tried as hard as anyone could! There’s no ‘what if’ left for me to ponder!

 

But its early days, I think you need calm down a bit.

Probably

That’s what he says! “Just relax ..everything will happen the way it’s meant to whether you stress about it or not”

[MountainGirl111]

I know!! Overthinking is probably causing 98% of my stress, but it’s really hard to stop! I do worry about things more than I’d ever admit, I guess old habits die hard!

 

I don’t know!!!

I like him, probably more than I admit to myself - I know that because this whole situation would be 100% less complicated if I didn’t like him - but I do!

I’m definitely still healing from her!! I thought she was the one, I was really hurt!

Am I really up for it? ...if I take away all those worried that are my bullet points then yeah I am, but with all the worry in my head as well.. I dont know

 

I have much empathy for the over thinking thing....it can cause insomnia among other problems....but here's the deal: You are likely very bright, very smart; creative? There's lots going on in your head and people find that attractive and exciting. It might be one of the things her brother likes about you! He's been carrying a torch for you for some time now. He's been around you enough to know what you're made of.

 

But..........oooh, I don't know, this is just a big minefield like you say.

 

So: Let's whittle this down a bit:

 

You still need to heal from her. You've got to get yourself healed up. As much as you "like" him, and he "likes" you, because of your wound still being fresh, this could be playing into a rebound type new romance. It sure makes you feel good to be "wanted", doesn't it? Yeah, we all know what that feels like. She hurt you pretty bad, and I'm sorry for your pain. I can't see you healing up properly if you're going to be with her brother. You'll be reminded of her all the time. Which isn't good when you're trying to get over someone.

 

Give it some time. If you and him are meant to be it won't go away.

Edited August 6, 2018 by MountainGirl111

[Sparkes]

I have much empathy for the over thinking thing....it can cause insomnia among other problems....but here's the deal: You are likely very bright, very smart; creative? There's lots going on in your head and people find that attractive and exciting. It might be one of the things her brother likes about you! He's been carrying a torch for you for some time now. He's been around you enough to know what you're made of.

Omg I know, I always sleep horribly, I’ll worry about everything under the sun at night time! (Which means bonus points for him, because he is a super cuddly sleeper - which doesn’t really fit with the whole bad-boy-rep haha - and I really like that! Makes me feel safe).

Ah I know, for a long old time according to him!! Which I still don’t really get, but he will list really sweet things about me which does make me feel like he’s genuine and he had paid really close attention to who I am as a person.

 

You still need to heal from her.

True

As much as you "like" him, and he "likes" you, because of your wound still being fresh, this could be playing into a rebound type new romance. It sure makes you feel good to be "wanted", doesn't it?

Also true! Yeah you’re right.. like I would never of wanted her to stay with me just because she didn’t want to hurt me, and I do mean that honestly, even though it was really hard to see her decide she could be happier with someone else! But yeah, I have been feeling low and maybe a bit insecure, and it did feel nice to have someone like him want me, make me feel special! Actually no ones ever treated me so sweetly, or made me feel so cherished! It totally started as a rebound thing, I wouldn’t have imagined us getting on like we do and I never expected to start to like him so much as a person!

Yeah, we all know what that feels like. She hurt you pretty bad, and I'm sorry for your pain. I can't see you healing up properly if you're going to be with her brother. You'll be reminded of her all the time. Which isn't good when you're trying to get over someone.

Yeah I know! When it’s just him and I, I forget about her, but when we’re at his house, their house, around her parents, her sister, it can sometimes feel a bit weird!!

 

Give it some time. If you and him are meant to be it won't go away.

Yeah I know that’s true, honestly I do, I know it’s great advice! It’s what I’d tell someone to do! But it’s so much harder when it’s acrually you Isn’t it! I don’t want to hurt him! And I know it would hurt him and that would be horrible!

Plus the fact that as much as I am really trying to slow things down, to keep it casual and nkt make commitments.. like I’m a relationship girl, I’m happier in one, and I’m finding it really hard not to text him, or cuddle him, not to want see him after work! I’m probably sending him mixed messages poor boy!

[Shepp]

I definitely don't think you are doing anything wrong, after all - its your ex who ended it and you it doesn't seem like got into this new relationship out of any bad feeling to her.

 

I was told that the way to know if a relationship is a rebound is to see if you can picture yourself with them 10 years from now? Like can you see a future, do you feel like you could have long term potential.

 

Whats the situation with you and your ex now? Are you still in contact? do you see her? Social media? All that kinda thing?

[MountainGirl111]

Omg I know, I always sleep horribly, I’ll worry about everything under the sun at night time! (Which means bonus points for him, because he is a super cuddly sleeper - which doesn’t really fit with the whole bad-boy-rep haha - and I really like that! Makes me feel safe).

Ah I know, for a long old time according to him!! Which I still don’t really get, but he will list really sweet things about me which does make me feel like he’s genuine and he had paid really close attention to who I am as a person.

 

 

Also true! Yeah you’re right.. like I would never of wanted her to stay with me just because she didn’t want to hurt me, and I do mean that honestly, even though it was really hard to see her decide she could be happier with someone else! But yeah, I have been feeling low and maybe a bit insecure, and it did feel nice to have someone like him want me, make me feel special! Actually no ones ever treated me so sweetly, or made me feel so cherished! It totally started as a rebound thing, I wouldn’t have imagined us getting on like we do and I never expected to start to like him so much as a person!

 

Yeah I know! When it’s just him and I, I forget about her, but when we’re at his house, their house, around her parents, her sister, it can sometimes feel a bit weird!!

 

Yeah I know that’s true, honestly I do, I know it’s great advice! It’s what I’d tell someone to do! But it’s so much harder when it’s acrually you Isn’t it! I don’t want to hurt him! And I know it would hurt him and that would be horrible!

Plus the fact that as much as I am really trying to slow things down, to keep it casual and nkt make commitments.. like I’m a relationship girl, I’m happier in one, and I’m finding it really hard not to text him, or cuddle him, not to want see him after work! I’m probably sending him mixed messages poor boy!

 

Sounds like you've been bit by the "zinger" of attraction at a time in your life you are going through heartbreak...and that can feel good....really good....I get that....just proceed with caution....and try to reel in the emotions....clear your thoughts as much as possible....I know that's easier said than done....but if you can clear your thoughts you'll sleep better and the world will look a lot different to you. You've got to get some sleep! I know you don't want to hurt him and hopefully he doesn't want to hurt you. It sounds like he is thoughtful and considerate, so he should understand if you need to slow things down. I see people get carried away with relationships and get in over their head before they've had enough time to recover from the last relationship...and then things can start to pile up. First things first: heal from her.

[Sparkes]

I definitely don't think you are doing anything wrong, after all - its your ex who ended it and you it doesn't seem like got into this new relationship out of any bad feeling to her.

No, I mean obviously i have been mad at her, i've gotten angry at her in the moment, but that was just because I was really hurt! I thought she was the one, we were looking at flats to rent together, we were talking about the future, I thought we were solid! BUT at the end of the day, who am I to be angry at her? She can't make herself love me if she doesn't! She can't live a lie! I wouldnt want anyone to stay with me just because they didnt want to hurt me - I deserve better than that and so do they!

 

I was told that the way to know if a relationship is a rebound is to see if you can picture yourself with them 10 years from now? Like can you see a future, do you feel like you could have long term potential.

Its a really weird one for me cause if you asked me to think of him like that 6 months ago id of said NO WAY, and i could have given you 100 reasons why {I guess it goes to show that you can sleep under the same roof as someone and still know nothing about who they are) and yet now....... I actually can! I can actually imagine myself having a good life with him, it does still feel strange to say that, but its true.

 

Whats the situation with you and your ex now? Are you still in contact? do you see her? Social media? All that kinda thing?

hmm, not at such. No contact until his fam found out about me and him and now I see her when I'm at his house.. bit strange still! Still facebook friends but I'm not really a big social media person, dont use it much

 

 

 

Sounds like you've been bit by the "zinger" of attraction at a time in your life you are going through heartbreak...and that can feel good....really good....I get that....just proceed with caution....and try to reel in the emotions....clear your thoughts as much as possible....I know that's easier said than done....but if you can clear your thoughts you'll sleep better and the world will look a lot different to you. You've got to get some sleep! I know you don't want to hurt him and hopefully he doesn't want to hurt you. It sounds like he is thoughtful and considerate, so he should understand if you need to slow things down. I see people get carried away with relationships and get in over their head before they've had enough time to recover from the last relationship...and then things can start to pile up. First things first: heal from her.

Yeah for sure!! I think thats my biggest concern to be honest, i dont have any real concerns with the relationship itself just that Im worried that its going to be to quick for me and ill realise that too late and hurt everyone ivolved.

I think maybe I'll talk to him at the weekend? Not really sure what to say because im every bit as responsible for the speed of our relationship as he is, but i just feel like he should be aware of what im feeling (and then he can decide if he thinks im too much of an emotional wreck to deal with or not )

[Sparkes]

Part of me wants to tell him just to see how he reacts because I am SO SICK of people bailing as soon as everything isn’t all candy floss and paper hearts!!

 

I think I’ve been made to feel too many times that I’m just not enough for anyone, and I’m over it!!

The most important thing for me now moving forward in a relationship is that I’m completely honest and if someone wants to be with me then they want to be with me for who I am, exactly who I am! I don’t want to feel guilty or unlovable for having faults and insecurities because EVERYONE has those things!

 

I kind of feel like he could be someone like that for me, hes dealt with real hardship that most people our age wouldn’t understand, he makes me feel like he honestly really really likes me, and he seems to know what he wants in life.

[MountainGirl111]

Part of me wants to tell him just to see how he reacts because I am SO SICK of people bailing as soon as everything isn’t all candy floss and paper hearts!!

 

I think I’ve been made to feel too many times that I’m just not enough for anyone, and I’m over it!!

The most important thing for me now moving forward in a relationship is that I’m completely honest and if someone wants to be with me then they want to be with me for who I am, exactly who I am! I don’t want to feel guilty or unlovable for having faults and insecurities because EVERYONE has those things!

 

I kind of feel like he could be someone like that for me, hes dealt with real hardship that most people our age wouldn’t understand, he makes me feel like he honestly really really likes me, and he seems to know what he wants in life.

 

You ARE enough! You ARE lovable....it would be a HUGE tragedy in life if you continued to live your life feeling like you are not lovable. A huge tragedy....If you're realizing this (finally) that's cause for celebration. We all have faults that's for sure....but we do NOT need to pack around a lot of guilt just for being human and for being honest.

[MountainGirl111]

 

Yeah for sure!! I think thats my biggest concern to be honest, i dont have any real concerns with the relationship itself just that Im worried that its going to be to quick for me and ill realise that too late and hurt everyone ivolved.

I think maybe I'll talk to him at the weekend? Not really sure what to say because im every bit as responsible for the speed of our relationship as he is, but i just feel like he should be aware of what im feeling (and then he can decide if he thinks im too much of an emotional wreck to deal with or not )

 

Well what have you got to lose by talking with him about it? Help make him better aware of the truth, it all starts with awareness and honesty and goes from there. Try not to put pressure on yourself. It's going to be okay.

[Sparkes]

You ARE enough! You ARE lovable....it would be a HUGE tragedy in life if you continued to live your life feeling like you are not lovable. A huge tragedy....If you're realizing this (finally) that's cause for celebration. We all have faults that's for sure....but we do NOT need to pack around a lot of guilt just for being human and for being honest.

Yeah you're right! I know you're right! I do know it deep down, its why I don't hate my ex for leaving because I don't want to settle for being settled for! If she didn't love me like that then she was right to leave. With my rational head on I do know all that, its just that quite a few times now i've been made to feel ...second best, in a relationship, and although I'd never show it it does niggle at my self confidence just a little bit.

 

It's weird though because after my first break up it took me quite a long time to let my walls down again, and i thought that it would be the same this time around - worse even. It's really weird that I feel so safe with him, it doesnt make a lot of sense on paper, but I feel like I've let him in quite a lot, quite quickly!

 

Well what have you got to lose by talking with him about it? Help make him better aware of the truth, it all starts with awareness and honesty and goes from there. Try not to put pressure on yourself. It's going to be okay.

Very true! I'll see him tomorrow so I'll talk to him then, see what he says! Thank you, and thank you for taking the time to talk to me about all this too!

[MountainGirl111]

Hmmm. Well, understandably there are going to be times in life that a person feels second best even in healthy relationships. Like say, sometimes children take first place. My ex husband was very faithful at first and I didn't feel second best...but as the years went on there were times I felt second best; I felt a bit like a sports widow, then he became a workaholic and he just wasn't there for me when I needed him to really be fully present,etc. Eventually, he cheated on me and that led to divorce. I actually think he cheated because he was insecure and the affair made him feel more validated as a man. Anyway, that's another story, back to you......

 

Yeah, try to keep your self confidence up...engage in positive self talk....he's had his eye on you for quite a while now...so you can go in with that knowledge...good luck!!

[Sparkes]

Hmmm. Well, understandably there are going to be times in life that a person feels second best even in healthy relationships. Like say, sometimes children take first place. My ex husband was very faithful at first and I didn't feel second best...but as the years went on there were times I felt second best; I felt a bit like a sports widow, then he became a workaholic and he just wasn't there for me when I needed him to really be fully present,etc. Eventually, he cheated on me and that led to divorce. I actually think he cheated because he was insecure and the affair made him feel more validated as a man. Anyway, that's another story, back to you......

Yeah of course, and I don't need to always be someones number one priority, I think i'm quite laid back in a relationship (i think some of my friends might tell you too laid back and that i've let people get away with too much), but I guess I feel like.. it seems to be a recurring theme that people see me as a 'safe option', I always end up as the head option in the matters of head vs heart (lets be honest when it comes to relationships, people always go heart), wife material but apparently not girlfriend materiel (BOTH my long term ex's said to me that they wished we'd met later in life - which is a real slap in the face kinda compliment, as though then they'd of been more ready to settle down with me).

I don't know why or what it is really. I just know when I'm with someone I completely commit to them and to us, whereas it seems a lot of people still want.. explore other options, they get drawn to the drama, I don't know. I can go out clubbing but not every weekend - I'm also really happy just walking the dog, baking for someone or just cuddling up and watching movies on the sofa cause its raining outside - I'm happy with that sort of chilled out stuff, it's just who I am!

I am sorry about your ex husband, that's an appalling way to treat someone who you have spent so much of your life with! But i agree, I think often affairs are much more about that personas ego than anything to do with their relationship!

 

Yeah, try to keep your self confidence up...engage in positive self talk....he's had his eye on you for quite a while now...so you can go in with that knowledge...good luck!!

Yeah I can't lie, It makes me feel good to know that and that was a little ego boost for me, and i think initially the whole thing with me and him was a little rebound-ego-type-thing. Then I just started really liking him.

Its weird now actually because when i first met him like, yeah, objectively he was very handsome, but I wasn't attracted to him (for a whole host of reasons - I was in a relationship, I was solid on the fact I was gay, and also because I had a perception of him and that was just not as the kind of person that I would be attracted to), and the funny thing is that the more and more time I spend with him now, the more we talk, and I get to know him, the more I hear him laugh, the more and more attracted I am, and it's mad to look at him now and imagine the time when I could look at him and feel nothing!

 

I guess lifes just funny like that!

 

I'm going to go see him now though so I'll have a chat about all this thats been going on in my head!

[FMW]

Time will tell, no need to figure things out at this moment.

 

But be careful, you are not healed from your breakup and aren't thinking clearly. Fortunately you recognize that, you recognize the confusion.

 

He knows what he's getting in to so just be open and honest with him about your feelings and thoughts. It's nice that you're worried about hurting him, but also realize that you can easily end up getting hurt as well. You may fall really hard for him and if he's not clear on what he's thinking or feeling either YOU could be the one that gets hurt.

 

So keep your eyes open and be honest. See where it goes.

[MountainGirl111]

Yeah of course, and I don't need to always be someones number one priority, I think i'm quite laid back in a relationship (i think some of my friends might tell you too laid back and that i've let people get away with too much), but I guess I feel like.. it seems to be a recurring theme that people see me as a 'safe option', I always end up as the head option in the matters of head vs heart (lets be honest when it comes to relationships, people always go heart), wife material but apparently not girlfriend materiel (BOTH my long term ex's said to me that they wished we'd met later in life - which is a real slap in the face kinda compliment, as though then they'd of been more ready to settle down with me).

I don't know why or what it is really. I just know when I'm with someone I completely commit to them and to us, whereas it seems a lot of people still want.. explore other options, they get drawn to the drama, I don't know. I can go out clubbing but not every weekend - I'm also really happy just walking the dog, baking for someone or just cuddling up and watching movies on the sofa cause its raining outside - I'm happy with that sort of chilled out stuff, it's just who I am!

I am sorry about your ex husband, that's an appalling way to treat someone who you have spent so much of your life with! But i agree, I think often affairs are much more about that personas ego than anything to do with their relationship!

 

 

Yeah I can't lie, It makes me feel good to know that and that was a little ego boost for me, and i think initially the whole thing with me and him was a little rebound-ego-type-thing. Then I just started really liking him.

Its weird now actually because when i first met him like, yeah, objectively he was very handsome, but I wasn't attracted to him (for a whole host of reasons - I was in a relationship, I was solid on the fact I was gay, and also because I had a perception of him and that was just not as the kind of person that I would be attracted to), and the funny thing is that the more and more time I spend with him now, the more we talk, and I get to know him, the more I hear him laugh, the more and more attracted I am, and it's mad to look at him now and imagine the time when I could look at him and feel nothing!

 

I guess lifes just funny like that!

 

I'm going to go see him now though so I'll have a chat about all this thats been going on in my head!

 

How did your chat go? I hear you.

[Sparkes]

But be careful, you are not healed from your breakup and aren't thinking clearly. Fortunately you recognize that, you recognize the confusion.

Yeah I do, I do.

 

He knows what he's getting in to so just be open and honest with him about your feelings and thoughts. It's nice that you're worried about hurting him, but also realize that you can easily end up getting hurt as well. You may fall really hard for him and if he's not clear on what he's thinking or feeling either YOU could be the one that gets hurt.

Yeah I know, especially because I feel like I am in a bit of a vulnerable place at the moment, but I just would hate to hurt someone else, I've been on the receiving end of it and I know what it feels like and I'd hate to do that to anyone.

[Sparkes]

I had a really good chat with him. I told him I am concerned that we're moving too fast, even though we're not doing anything I don't want to do, I do feel like we are progressing quite quickly and that does scare me when I know that I'm still healing from this breakup.

He was sweet, he said that he knows he can get carried away but he doesn't care how slow I want to take it, he's happy to wait!

The thing is its not like I actually want to slow down, i just feel like we should)

He did reassure me quite a bit though, I said like I don't understand where all this came from, I never knew he liked me before, and he went right back to the first time we met (which I barely remember) and said that he liked that I was quiet but not shy, that i didn't feel the need to talk for the sake of it, he said "not like me, I'm an attention seeking d**k", he said his mum used to say that confidence is silent and insecurities are loud.

 

 

He said "This will sound dumb but, I've had some difficult times in my life and I've done some really stupid things but I've always had this vision that one day I'll have my own family and it'll be better than what i had, I'll do better than my own dad, than my step parents, I want a family like what [his sister/my ex] has. Its dumb, and sappy, but I've always had this picture in my mind of like Halloween - cause its my favourite, it was my mums birthday - and of like this big bonfire, pumpkin carving and apple bobbing in the garden with like my three kids and our massive Labrador and going back inside and cuddling up on the sofa and watching spooky movies.. and like I could never really picture my wife, and then I met you, and I just knew...

and I know I've gone from telling you we'll slow down to marrying you off with three kids and a dog - but I dont mean it like that, I'm not rushing anything, I just want you to know that I'm serious about this, about you, whatever it takes, you want me to wait and I'll wait, I won't mess you around, I'm all in! I think you and me are worth a shot to see where this goes!

 

AND it should have scared me off, but it didn't! I think its kinda cute that he thinks about stuff like that, he's just not the type of guy that you ever imagine would!

[anduina]

I had a really good chat with him. I told him I am concerned that we're moving too fast, even though we're not doing anything I don't want to do, I do feel like we are progressing quite quickly and that does scare me when I know that I'm still healing from this breakup.

He was sweet, he said that he knows he can get carried away but he doesn't care how slow I want to take it, he's happy to wait!

The thing is its not like I actually want to slow down, i just feel like we should)

He did reassure me quite a bit though, I said like I don't understand where all this came from, I never knew he liked me before, and he went right back to the first time we met (which I barely remember) and said that he liked that I was quiet but not shy, that i didn't feel the need to talk for the sake of it, he said "not like me, I'm an attention seeking d**k", he said his mum used to say that confidence is silent and insecurities are loud.

 

 

He said "This will sound dumb but, I've had some difficult times in my life and I've done some really stupid things but I've always had this vision that one day I'll have my own family and it'll be better than what i had, I'll do better than my own dad, than my step parents, I want a family like what [his sister/my ex] has. Its dumb, and sappy, but I've always had this picture in my mind of like Halloween - cause its my favourite, it was my mums birthday - and of like this big bonfire, pumpkin carving and apple bobbing in the garden with like my three kids and our massive Labrador and going back inside and cuddling up on the sofa and watching spooky movies.. and like I could never really picture my wife, and then I met you, and I just knew...

and I know I've gone from telling you we'll slow down to marrying you off with three kids and a dog - but I dont mean it like that, I'm not rushing anything, I just want you to know that I'm serious about this, about you, whatever it takes, you want me to wait and I'll wait, I won't mess you around, I'm all in! I think you and me are worth a shot to see where this goes!

 

AND it should have scared me off, but it didn't! I think its kinda cute that he thinks about stuff like that, he's just not the type of guy that you ever imagine would!

I'd fall for this sweet guy too!