How do you deal with an ex that just wants to spread gossip?

[AnnaGr]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 5 years now. He knows I had a colorful past, but not any details. It was something we had agreed on not to discuss. Over the years I have mentioned a few things but otherwise kept to our agreement.

 

So I used to be involved with a couple. We were together for a number of years, it only stopped when they started a family. They have since moved overseas. We have remained friends, nothing more than friends. This is one of the things he does know.

 

They were coming back for a holiday and to get to the point of the story for some reason, probably a bit too much alcohol they decided it would be a good idea to reminisce. Obviously for him it’s not reminiscing but learning for the first time.

 

So now he knows a lot more about my past. He’s not angry or upset by it in any way but he is now wanting to do some of the things, well all of the things to be honest. He’s like a little kid with a new toy. I’m all for discussing fantasies, in fact at some stage in the future if the time was right I may even want to do these things with him. But I’m not going to jump in and do it now just because he got all horny imagining her and I together.

 

It’s got to a point now where he has researched the names of some local swingers clubs and points out other women who he believes might be interested. We were at a party and he thought some woman was flirting with me. It’s true, she was, but she was drunk and flirting with everyone. He got her alone and propositioned her to come home with him and I. They came up to me together and she tells me how she’d love to go home with me. I was so embarrassed when I had to knock her back in front of everyone. It was obviously embarrassing for her too. I was so angry with him.

 

I’ve asked him multiple times to step back on this. He’s not listening. I’ve told him that if he just lets it be who knows what the future will bring. It may indeed come true but it wont if he keeps this up.

 

Right now I’m seriously considering whether this is the relationship for me. For 5 years it has been everything I could have wanted but now he’s got this sniff of a different life he just wont let it be. It’s just not the same any more. I still love him dearly and I want this to work but he needs to get his focus back on me and not on seeing how many other people we can bring into our relationship.

 

So what I want to ask is, can he change back? Can a guy let this fantasy go when to him it seems so close? Or now that he knows is it too late?

[overcome]

Hi Anna,

 

Some say that a threesome is every guy's fantasy. I don't believe that to be true. In fact, I've had two chances and I passed on both. Not because I didn't want to or that it would not be fun, but because I really like the girl I was with and I didn't want to share. One woman is enough for me!

 

I think that if you want this to work with your BF, then you'll have to have another talk with him. You'll need to stand your ground and even give him a choice. Either he understands that this part of your life is something you may want to share down road but not right now or if he can't let it go, then you're ready to move on.

 

It's a bit of tough love but he's acting immature. He's thinking with the wrong head. Simply state that if he loves you, he will let this drop. I think it's that simple. If he can't let the matter drop and continues to act immature, then you'll have to make a choice.

[tafkaga]

My last girlfriend informed me fairly early on that she was bisexual and her dream was to be in a three-way relationship, not just threesomes for sex, but to marry me and have another woman live with us as our wife.

 

As a straight guy with a perfectly normal sexual appetite, I couldn't help but be turned on by the prospect of having a wife who wanted to share me with another woman. But, as a guy who really liked the girl I was dating and saw myself marrying, I was a little bit horrified that she was presenting this scenario to me as if it would be a deal-breaker if I wasn't comfortable with it.

 

Your guy's behavior is likewise baffling. Does he want you or have you become a means by which to have a three-way? Sounds like a serious conversation needs to be had, because he's being obnoxious and very intrusive into your past. Just because he found out about it doesn't make it ok for him to drag it out and play with it. He could certainly have found a better way of broaching the subject, perhaps simply asking you if you were interested in having that type of relationship while reassuring you that he would be perfectly content to have you all to himself.

 

Baffling.

[preraph]

I think if you are ever going to have a relationship where this doesn't come out, you are going to have to talk to your friends and tell them to not say anything or keep them away if they can't stop themselves or think it's wrong to stop themselves. If you don't want this in your life, then you have to leave it behind and not confess it to anyone. Now he's going to just get mad and feel cheated. Yet, if you do it with him and it doesn't go quite the way he'd hoped (two women totally focused on himself), he's going to be mad too. I am a firm believer that three-ways should be with casual acquaintances only, and not with any actual friends. Someone always ends up mad or jealous, usually both.

 

Now he just sees you as someone who will do anything with anyone, so you better, by God, do it with him too. I don't see this lasting now anyway. You know once this door is open, men will run right through it and all rules are off. You did it, so now they can have sex with whoever whenever.

 

If these friends can't respect your privacy, they're not friends.

[guest569]

I would be mad with the friends for going over details of past sexual experiences you shared, in front of your boyfriend. I can't see how this is OK. You're the one who has brought this issue into the relationship, in future just leave the past in the past. I don't know how you can possibly repair things. He can't unsee it.

[maxi105]

hi annagr...hhmmm...this is a tricky situation and a very sensitive one obviously! I don't blame you for feeling angry with your boyfriend or the friends that spoke too easily about something that was not meant to be so open for all.

 

it is as has already been said that maybe he is rather immature, however your question is can he change back my feeling on this is I don't think he can, I think that every time he see's an attractive woman he is going to link the possibilities sexually in his mind for you and her (and him), but as has also been said, fantasies and realities are not always as good as they seem.and you have already found out that fantasies (even past ones) shared with the wrong people can leave everyone feeling angry or embarrassed.

 

I think it was really wrong of him to disclose something so private about you to other people and what you don't want is to be with someone who is going to damage your reputation whenever he wants to hold you to ransom, tease you in public or make you question if you can trust him anymore on similar situations.

 

the fact that he is not listening to you is a danger sign really, and says that his libido is getting in the way of a proper relationship. it sounds as though he is getting obsessed, and lust and obsession soon burn whatever actually meant something in the first place or boil over and turn into areas that can at best become non conssential and secretive or tear things apart as one person gets addicted and it stops being about a loving equal relationship.

 

I think this guy has had too many fantasies thrown at him in the fake world and so now he knows of your past and that you have tasted wilder times he wants that too. I'm not blaming him totally, but I'm not sure the balance that you are speaking about sounds that healthy or equal.

 

I think you need to talk with this guy about boundaries, fantasy ones and ones that you are no longer prepared to get involved with (with him alone, verbally, emotionally and really think about if you actually want your colourful life back).

 

I think the fact that you were embarrassed about this seems to suggest that actually even though you are more than capable of fun times, you are feeling that maybe it is a part of you that you would prefer to leave behind really, im not saying you can't be a siren any longer, what I am saying is that you need something more together with someone and if this were me I would be having a very firm talk and offering a complete ultimatum (and be very prepared to carry out any threats of ending things) if he is no longer mature or trustworthy enough to listen and respect the situation that is needed to bring a better kind of equal balance.

 

how old is this man, he sounds emotionally rather young and I worry that if you are not careful your private life is going to be known and discussed amongst his friends more than you know about. maybe that is happening already as he is whipped up and excited by things going further.

 

is he the sort of guy that might get involved in revenge porn if you do decide to end this? i think you need to start making some serious changes and get him to respect your private needs and private life, if he cant do this then maybe you do need to think about moving on. but again, at least give things a chance to change and for him to prove that he can grow up a bit more and respect your feelings.

 

the only person that is losing in this at the moment is you, and what you don't want to is to become a public discussion or joke around people that don't actually know you (even if they know you..if you see what I mean).

 

if he really loves you he will want to work this out with just you two and take on more maturity with a view to exploring things and improving things with you, but just you.

 

what you don't want is to have anyone pressurising you stranger or not for sex, you don't want random strangers discussing you sexually or being target of unwanted sexual harassment from males, females or via gossip etc...

 

this hopefully can be fixed if he is willing to actually treat you as a person rather than a sex object and a list of things that is going to give only him pleasure!

 

I bet if you told him you'd met up with another girl to try to see if you were still interested in this kind of life anymore and you've got a sexually transmitted infection he would soon change his mood and start on the defensive or get worried!

 

you need to spell this out to him, tell him you want to move forward but are not prepared to pimp yourself for his juvenile fantasies and that if these boundaries are not agreed by both of you your gone.

 

simple as that. you gotta talk tough on this one with him and spell it out in a way that he knows you are serious, and you'll walk if he cant get over these fantasies.

 

ok, so he's pumped up in fantasy via other people, but he is also going way out of line in what he is doing to steer you into something sexual you dont want!

 

you need to take back the control of this situation because it sounds like its gone to far already! he needs to know where he's gonna end up if he keeps going with this.

 

maybe a little time apart (go away or just dont see him for a week or so) will give him a bit of time to let him know you ARE serious.

 

sure, this situation is about how you are being made to feel, but its also about him and whether he is capable of growing up. if youve given him a chance and he still cant let it go...then you probably do need to be the one to let him go!!!!

 

not sure if that helps you any, but good luck with this one! you need to stop this thing getting any more out of control, otherwise things like this may come back to hurt you long after you have left him! (if that's the way it is forced to go).

 

if he is objectifying you to that degree...is it morally any different to what is being peddled in the media/soft porn trade?

 

knowing how some people think and fantasise doesn't make you want to be in their company or want to be near them when you hear snatched conversations in the bar or streets; so to have someone you know and who is supposed to be your partner thinking in that way when it's not mutual and is becoming an issue between you doesn't sound that great either.

 

maybe also, you need to have a think about if it is really worth keeping the ties and links going with the couple that you used to be part of; especially now they have started a family, what for them was a drunken remark or funny tale also seems a bit of an embarrassment now you have moved on.

 

if you got more serious with this guy and want to start your own family...do you want this kind of thing to always be in the background and brought up endlessly...

 

ok, that is thinking a lot about the possibilities, but the heart of what I'm saying is that you gotta lay it on the line to him. or move on. this isnt the sort of thing that i'd want to be part of if i were in your shoes. it sounds seedy and could be dangerous for you if you start to attract attention from people who dont know where the fun stops or other abuses creap in.

 

i dont mean to frighten you by saying that, but maybe that kind of sexual scene or me of the more modern underground connections in that area of life have gotten a bit extreme since you were doing that kind of thing. technology has done a lot to force fantasies and unrealistic/ more explicit ways of thinking and expecting in so many areas of peoples lives that they can access if they want to see it, so you have to think of your safety and sexual health. the consequences might not be such a laugh if you get talked into this again and it doesnt go the way that you thought!

 

but i think you need to also really talk home to him the dangers and consequences on a personal level to you and on an emotional level for what this means for your relationship and areas of trust/respect. all he is seeing by the sounds of it is the sexual side of this, and he is seeing it from his own immature perspective. at teh moment that isnt really what a good healthy relationship is or has the potential to sexually grow together from...

 

and if he carries on down this route i think he's going to get a lot more than he really could ever dream about...but not in a cheap kicks or fun way.

 

and so you need to really make him understand that this just isnt on anymore!

 

good luck. i think the fact you posted is a sign that you care and really want/need change, so good luck with it all. maxi.....ps...maybe also ask him (seriously) not joking, you original title question. ask him if he is still right for you, and make him see what being right for you actually means for you!!!.

ok that's it. im sure the best way forward... with or without this guy. XX

Edited July 15, 2018 by maxi105

[salparadise]

is he the sort of guy that might get involved in revenge porn if you do decide to end this?

 

I bet if you told him you'd met up with another girl to try to see if you were still interested in this kind of life anymore and you've got a sexually transmitted infection he would soon change his mood

 

The relevant parts would fit in a sentence or two... at least you used paragraphs and punctuation.

 

OP, there is no simple solution to this. You were right in the beginning to not reveal details, and once they were spilled, well, you can't just put it back in the bottle. I'm for saving the relationship is there's any way to do that, but it seems like you're as determined that it's not happening as he is obsessed with experiencing it. The common ground is somewhere in the middle, not at either extreme.

 

I think the two of you have to communicate and be completely open. I empathize with both of you. Neither is willing to give an inch and both believe that getting the other to relent is the answer. You're doubled down to the point that you're ready end an otherwise great relationship with the man you say you love. He can't let go of the desire to experience something with you that you've had with others. I hate to see everyone suffer because of the inability to put the other's needs ahead of their own, and insistence on having their own way.

[AnnaGr]

If these friends can't respect your privacy, they're not friends.

 

 

Yes, that discussion has been had. Unfortunately liquor loosens lips, and no amount of apologies will put this genie back in it's bottle.

[AnnaGr]

I think the two of you have to communicate and be completely open.

 

Believe me I've been trying to communicate but he's not listening. He hears the words and responds to them but they're not sinking in.

 

And if he was listening he would probably even be encouraged by the answer. I'm not saying no. I'm saying not yet. But that doesn't mean it will happen in the future, it's just means it may happen. I just don't think we, as a couple, are ready yet. I'm happy to talk about this. I'm happy to role play. And if it leads somewhere then it does, if it doesn't then it doesn't.

 

You can't imagine how embarrassing it is when a girl comes up to you in the middle of a party and says she'd love to go home with me and my boyfriend. That wouldn't work even if we were swingers. How about you ask me first!! He thinks I'm just a little apprehensive and need a little push. All he is doing is pushing me away. I would be gone already if the last 5 years hadn't been the best years of my life.

 

And just to expand a little, it's not just about threesomes. There were other bedroom activities that he learned about that I have said I would love to include in our lives. Things like anal which we haven't done yet and being tied up and blindfolded. He just sort of dismisses them in favour of the threesome, like all he wants to do is have sex with another woman. That's why I don't think we're ready for that yet, I don't think he truly understands what a three way relationship is all about. It's not just two women out to pander to all his wants.

 

I was just hoping that he would come to his senses or that I could gently lead him that way. It appears it's not going to be easy. I don't mind hard work but if the effort is futile then what's the point? That's basically why I was asking if people think someone in this situation could change back.

[overcome]

Hi Anna,

 

It could change. But it depends on the guy. In these types of situations, I think you need someone who is mature enough to handle this. My assumption is that there are a not a lot of guys who are in the right frame of mind when it comes to this topic.

 

Maybe I'm different. My last relationship was with a bi-sexual woman and it didn't bother me at all. I loved her. If she wanted to bring in another woman into the situation, I would really have to think long and hard about it. Perhaps some guys would jump at that offer but I would not.

 

On a positive note, I'm glad to hear that the last five years were good for you and your BF. But to go another five years, this issue has to be dealt with. I think if he cannot let go of his desires for a threesome, then this will only be a problem that will fester throughout the duration of your relationship.

 

Finally, I think if this continues, you may need to see what happens if you tell him that he's going to lose you if he continues down this path. If his perceptions don't change right away, I think that speaks volumes about his thoughts on the two of you.

[AnnaGr]

On a positive note, I'm glad to hear that the last five years were good for you and your BF. But to go another five years, this issue has to be dealt with. I think if he cannot let go of his desires for a threesome, then this will only be a problem that will fester throughout the duration of your relationship.

 

Finally, I think if this continues, you may need to see what happens if you tell him that he's going to lose you if he continues down this path. If his perceptions don't change right away, I think that speaks volumes about his thoughts on the two of you.

 

He is so hot and cold on this. It seems like everything is normal and then just out of the blue with no triggers or anything he just blurts something out.

 

We were about to go to bed yesterday and he just casually says how much fun would this be with another girl here. I mean really? Totally killed my mood. And then he got angry because he couldn't understand why we didn't have sex.

 

I'm just looking for the right moment to tell him it's the fantasy or me. I'm not happy right now, he's turning what we had into nothing, like we're just **** buddies or something.

 

It's so sad. We were really good together. I really hope he chooses me. I mean really chooses me, not just says those words because it's what I want to hear.

 

Regardless of how much he wants this, if he had any sense of my feelings he would back down. A once kind and caring man has become a selfish boy on a mission. I think I'm resigned to the fact that there's little hope of a positive outcome. So very sad.

[overcome]

Anna,

 

He is immature, regardless of his age.

 

I see two options.

 

1) You end it because he's choosing to ignore your feelings after you have clearly stated that this is a sensitive topic and to knock it off.

 

2) You have a serious conversation with him (I'm not sure if you have or not) You need to be firm that if he doesn't stop with this insistence pursuit of his fantasy, see option 1.

 

If he does not get his **** together, then you need to consider moving on. You should not let the amount of time you've spent together be a factor. Many people make that mistake.

 

There are plenty of guys out there who would respect what you want and at the moment, he's not doing that. He's doing the opposite.

 

It's time for you to let him know you're done with this crap. Either he learns to put his fantasy aside or he can enjoy humping his fist without someone who cared for him.

[c.a.f.]

I don't think he values you as a partner anymore. Men are most attracted to women who have minimal sexual experience. Women on the other hand, are attracted to men with lots of sexual experience. That is another topic but the gist is that you are ruined in his eyes.

 

Did you tell him about this past before you started dating, or did it come out during the relationship?

 

I'm male and I'm going to be honest: no man wants to settle down with a chick who ****ed 100 dudes before her tits started to sag. No guy wants to marry the girl who probably got train ran on her by half the attending guests. Not trying to be cynical here but give the guy more credit.

 

He is going to use you as sexual experience, and will end up dumping you soon after. I'm just guessing though, but he likely has completely changed his view on you. He's jealous of that guy, and wants to have you with another woman so that he can be that guy, too!

 

So yea, he's cold because he's pissed off that he's stuck with the town pump.

 

He doesn't love you anymore, at least not in the way you want him to. Women think that men should love them for their personality or whatever, but honestly your sexual history also plays a role. You may think of it as nothing other than your past, just a story, some phase, etc, but he's not seeing it that way. He will likely never "get over" this.

 

You're being a little bit selfish though by focusing on how he's making you feel. You are still in contact with these people that you ****ed, together. How do you think that's supposed to make him feel? "Oh, we're just friends now". That doesn't fly. It's disrespectful to bring them over, and allow them to talk about what you guys did together in front of him. Frankly it made me sick . I have a funny feeling you don't really care about your BF as much as you say you do.

 

I think that if you really cared about your BF you would stop contacting those other people immediately. Tell him you're going to do it, and actually mean it. That will go a very long way.

[Poutrew]

The problem is that your guy doesn't really know the reason why he wants the 3-way... the reason he thinks he wants it is not the real reason. The real reason is one of equality. In order for a relationship to be truly successful, it has to be based of fairness and equality. Things were equal and fair between you and BF until your big mouth friends told him all the things you have done in your past which he has never done. That threw the relationship out of balance. Perhaps subconsciously, BF knows that he needs to do those things that you did in order to be your equal once again. See, you can't undo anything, so he needs to get that experience under his belt so he can once again feel like a man... otherwise, you are more like the Momma, and he is just the little boy. By your refusal to go along with him, it just reinforces that you (mom) are spanking him (little boy) for taking too many cookies from the cookie jar. This problem will not go away because your BFs ego is running the show... ego loss is equivalent to castration. If you are dead set on not giving in to him, you will probably need to walk away. Even if you stay together, he will resent you... Sorry for the gloomy advice. Next time, don't keep any secrets -- it is easier to walk away from a new relationship if problems arise as you are learning now...

[c.a.f.]

The problem is that your guy doesn't really know the reason why he wants the 3-way... the reason he thinks he wants it is not the real reason. The real reason is one of equality. In order for a relationship to be truly successful, it has to be based of fairness and equality. Things were equal and fair between you and BF until your big mouth friends told him all the things you have done in your past which he has never done. That threw the relationship out of balance. Perhaps subconsciously, BF knows that he needs to do those things that you did in order to be your equal once again. See, you can't undo anything, so he needs to get that experience under his belt so he can once again feel like a man... otherwise, you are more like the Momma, and he is just the little boy. By your refusal to go along with him, it just reinforces that you (mom) are spanking him (little boy) for taking too many cookies from the cookie jar. This problem will not go away because your BFs ego is running the show... ego loss is equivalent to castration. If you are dead set on not giving in to him, you will probably need to walk away. Even if you stay together, he will resent you... Sorry for the gloomy advice. Next time, don't keep any secrets -- it is easier to walk away from a new relationship if problems arise as you are learning now...

 

 

This is great, I agree. I also believe he is massively jealous of the other guy, since that guy got to have a threesome with you, AND you're still contacting him! So it shows you still have some feelings towards him if you're inviting each other over for drinks and such.

 

He is upset because you're not putting out for him like you put out for the other guy. He's thinking that you must not care that much about him since you're unwilling to engage in any of the sexual things you've done in the past with someone else. Don't you see? You're telling him subconsciously that you do not care about him as much as the other guy, and the other guy is more special to you. Since you were more than happy to engage in all sorts of passionless, degenerate sex (and reminisce in front of him) with someone else but for some reason you don't want to do that with him.

 

It's an ego thing, and it is likely irreparable. You either open up for him like you so easily did for others, or this relationship will like end very soon. You will lose since to him, you're making it very clear he is second-rate to that other guy. Even if it's not the case, and you really love him or whatever (but I don't believe it), he doesn't believe you, and frankly why should he?

[fromheart]

My first reaction was that you wanted to be exclusive with him, as that's the stage of life you were at. But then you tell him it may happen in the future.

 

He's then thinking, why did she give something so easily to others which she wont give it to me? And I have to ask you, why did you bring the past up?

 

Have an honest think with yourself, if you really just want to be exclusive with him because you love him, tell him so. Tell him that you don't want to share him with someone else and what happened is your past. If he feels the same way, then great.

 

If either of you want a threesome and it isn't happening, then the relationship must end.

 

You also should think if a threesome is going to benefit your relationship, or any other relationship. When a gf has asked me for a threesome, the relationship has finished for me as I only do exclusive relationships.

 

Beware of he already has decided this, but is keeping you on for a threesome.

[AnnaGr]

Whilst I do understand the recent posts, I must say it feels like a somewhat unwarranted attack on my character.

 

I feel like I have always been truthful.

 

I didn't discuss my past because that is what we agreed on.

 

I remained friends with the couple I used to date and he knew that. What did he think, that I didn't have sex with them? Yet he never raised the threesome idea with anywhere near the vigour he is now. Nor did he raise as an issue that I was still friends with them.

 

When they started talking about my past I tried to shut it down but to no avail.

 

When he pursued the threesome idea after this I was honest. I want to be with him but the threesome idea may or may not happen. I don't even know myself whether I want to do it again in the future. It's a totally different scenario me joining a couple to another woman joining us. Again I have shared these feelings with him.

 

When it got worse I was honest and told him how it bothers me and asked him to stop.

 

What more could I do? I have never lied to him. I do love him despite what some recent posts suggest. But I am a strong woman and I am not having a threesome just to keep him happy so he can be "equal" in his eyes.

 

Unfortunately I fear the recent posts are correct and he sees the world the way they do. It will likely end our relationship. He will lose a loyal devoted woman and I will lose someone I thought was 'the one'. Like I said earlier, it's really sad, and the fact he can't feel and see that in me just makes it worse.

[Veronica73]

I don't think you did anything wrong. He's being an ass.

 

I agree with what overcome wrote.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

This is great, I agree. I also believe he is massively jealous of the other guy, since that guy got to have a threesome with you, AND you're still contacting him! So it shows you still have some feelings towards him if you're inviting each other over for drinks and such.

 

He is upset because you're not putting out for him like you put out for the other guy. He's thinking that you must not care that much about him since you're unwilling to engage in any of the sexual things you've done in the past with someone else. Don't you see? You're telling him subconsciously that you do not care about him as much as the other guy, and the other guy is more special to you. Since you were more than happy to engage in all sorts of passionless, degenerate sex (and reminisce in front of him) with someone else but for some reason you don't want to do that with him.

 

It's an ego thing, and it is likely irreparable. You either open up for him like you so easily did for others, or this relationship will like end very soon. You will lose since to him, you're making it very clear he is second-rate to that other guy. Even if it's not the case, and you really love him or whatever (but I don't believe it), he doesn't believe you, and frankly why should he?

 

This would be my take on things.

 

---

 

While you haven't done anything wrong, you are defending your character when no-one is judging it.

 

This is an opinion that I feel would most aptly describe why he's behaving the way he is. Can you understand that much at least?

 

No man wants to be "second pick" unless he's a cuckold.

 

Reinforce your love for this guy and show him how much he means to you because right now, as described above, he probably feels like he doesn't mean much to you at all.

 

By the way he's acting, he may already feel like he's lost you and is just doing this as a means to end it.

[AnnaGr]

I’ve recently split with a long term partner. It got really messy in the end after he found out about some things I did in my past that he wanted me to do again with him. In the end I just couldn’t put up with his constant insistence of bringing up my past so I ended our relationship.

 

I knew he wouldn’t be happy but he has just become an angry vindictive person. I guess at the time I probably had a glimmer of hope that this jolt would see him come to his senses and we might be able to give it another go as I truly thought we had something special.

 

He has pretty much sought out every one of my friends and acquaintances and made totally sure they know all about my past. For many that is not an issue as they knew anyway but many newer friends and especially work colleagues are now privy to my past which is unsettling. I’m not embarrassed about my past or anything but there are just things you don’t share with every person.

 

I guess what I’m asking is how do people deal with this? It’s easy to say to just ignore it and it will all die off soon enough, but it’s much harder to take that advice when you’re in the firing line.

 

Should I approach him or is that just going to fuel his fires knowing that I’m reacting?

 

Should I fight fire with fire? I know things he wouldn’t want to get out, but I don’t want to lower myself to his level.

 

Should I appeal to his sense of compassion? We were in love for a long time, together over 5 years. If he has a shred of love left he would stop this.

 

I know you make the bed you lie in and in some ways I only have myself to blame, but he has turned from a loving man into a childish boy with a chip on his shoulder and in the process has hurt my relationships with some friends and family and no doubt affected my advancement prospects at work.

[d0nnivain]

Your BF's behavior shows more about his lack of character then yours. Whatever is in your past is just that ancient history. He's spreading these rumors in his present. It makes him look bad. Do not fight fire with fire. You can't appeal to his sense of compassion; he doesn't have one. Taking the high road enables you to be the wronged party. Hold your head up high. If anybody questions whatever was in your past, say something along the lines of I was young & have learned from my mistakes, including who to trust.

[BaileyB]

Taking the high road enables you to be the wronged party. Hold your head up high. If anybody questions whatever was in your past, say something along the lines of I was young & have learned from my mistakes, including who to trust.

 

Indeed, this.

 

His actions reflect on his character, not yours. If your friends and family love you, it will not matter what he tells them. They will see him for who he is and it will not change the way he feels about you.

 

You have nothing to gain by taking the low road and engaging with him. Ignore him, don't give him the satisfaction of a response.

[darkmoon]

a spiteful ex boyf lying or exagerrating, just tell ppl that his gossip in an act of spite

 

 

it would put me off him knowing he is spiteful, and so I would not want to know him, he is messing his reputation up not yours, truly, he sounds nasty

[Art_Critic]

Some breakups there are 2 that happen, the private one and the public one...

 

The private breakup is the only one that matters, let him win the pubic one.. in the end you win...

[d0nnivain]

I re-read your other thread about the nature of your "colorful past" & how the disclosure caused him to pressure you to do certain of those sexual things with him. Assuming those details are the subject of the gossip your EX is now spreading, continue to hold your head up high. Everybody hearing that thinks he's the jerk for spreading that info around. Even if the person hearing this info would otherwise question your morals, they are far more appalled by the fact that somebody who was once a trusted confident / intimate BF would spread your secrets around simply to hurt you.