eclipse123 Posted September 4, 2005 Posted September 4, 2005 Ok I'm going to try and explain the situation in as short a manner as possible. I am 25 and she is 19. We met at work and were good friends. She was engaged at this time. Eventually something happened betweeen us. She was very indecisiive for several months, but eventually moved out from their apartment. She has told me completly that she wants to be with me. I believe her. Anyways she moved out about 2 weeks ago and everything was great. We went to the beach last weekend it was supposed to be finally just us. Well right before we left her fiance found out that she was going with me. Well we went to the beach but I knew something wasn't right. She said she was confused and blah blah and she needs space. We came back from the beach early and I told her I understand that she needs time to really get over leaving her fiance because in reality she really dealt with it by being with me. She says she just wants to be on her own for a little bit and she will come to me when she's ready. Look I know this girl did not move out and break up with her fiance if she did not love me. I trust her with all my heart. Ok so she said to that we shouldn't talk outside of work for a while. When we part at work she still says I love you and everything will be ok. She was supposed to go to rhode island with her mom this weekend. Anyways her mom got sick and couldn't go. So she tells me she's going with Eddie (her ex fiance). I was like what are you talking about? She says that her dying aunt asked for him to come because he is close with the family. I was very very upset. She said I have nothing to worry about and that it is completly over betweene them and she said to trust her. So I'm spending this weekend driving myself insane wandering what is going on. It really makes no sense that she needs space and then is going away with him. Anyways I want to know how I should act when I see her on tuesday. I mean I want to tell her I"m sad and confused and worried but I dont think you are suppose to whine when a girl asks for space because they think you are pushing them away. Look I know everyone is going to say she is going back to him, but I trust her with all my heart. I have to and I can't question it or it will mean we have nothing. I"m scared to see her on tuesday. I want to see how she reacts to seeing me. I will know if something went on this weekend. I Just dont know what to do. All we wanted was to be together and now she says she needs space to just be on her own a bit and then she goes to rhode island with him. I"m so confused and my thoughts are driving me crazy. If she did go back to him I would pretty much die. Sometimes I get some feelings that I might be dealing with a 19 year old kid who doesn't know what she's doing. I can't say this to her. I can't really say anything I just have to give her her space like she asked and follow her lead.
Tiggerlove Posted September 4, 2005 Posted September 4, 2005 Gotta realize how young she is. I dated a guy when I was 19 and he was 24. He was so much older and wiser than I was at the time. 5 years can make a huge difference. I told him many things because I thought I loved him, and enjoyed the way an older man's arms around me. Eventually I realized I was too young, and actually asked for space. I couldn't do the things he could, (legally atleast) and being young, I felt my friends were more important than my boyfriend. In reality, he was the best thing that coulda ever happend to me. I don't know if it is an excuse that she's making about her aunt dying to be with her ex or not..but if you trust her, trust her. I hope she doesn't give you any reason not to. My advice is to let her have her space. It will bother you and hurt and your thinking all weekend about her trip will drive you up the wall, but if she needs time to sort her mind out, or figure out if she wants to be with you, him or anyone else, let her. You don't want her to be thinking all of the what if's when you are engaged to be married to her. MAYBE she will make up her mind after being without you for a few days that she wants you. Give her time.
Forever Searching Posted September 4, 2005 Posted September 4, 2005 Awww. I 'm sorry... This doesn't sound good at the moment. Not saying it won't get better but as of right now you need to try to cut her out of your life as much as possible to give her some time to figure out what she wants. From everything you have said, she seem very very confused. If she loved you 100% she wouln't have any questions or doubts. Sorry to give you bad news. Give it some time and don't act like it bothers you too much when you do have to see her at work. Look confident around her at all times!! Also, don't act like you are putting your life on hold for her to make a decision. Good luck to you, let me know what happens.
ICS Posted September 4, 2005 Posted September 4, 2005 I can't really say anything I just have to give her her space like she asked and follow her lead. The best thing to do now is probably the simplest, which is to give her that space she asked, and see how it goes from there. Sure, you may not be able to sleep well at night or even be in a good state of mind to think about anything else right now, but I think she might be going through a tough time in her life. If you feel that this girl is the one, you should trust her. Good luck with everything.
bluechocolate Posted September 4, 2005 Posted September 4, 2005 I'll always remember what a former LS contributor once posted to a similar situation (I'm paraphrasing here): ---------------------------------- My girlfriend asked for more space so I went to a toy store and bought a rocket. When I gave it to her she asked, "What is this for?". "You asked for more space. Stick this up your arse & light it - you'll have all the space you need." ----------------------------------
upsetnhurt Posted September 4, 2005 Posted September 4, 2005 You are the backup plan. And if you continue to allow her back into your life over and over, you will get your heart broken, over and over. She is obviously not over her ex, and I can almost guarantee you she will dump you again and go back to him...again. Sorry to be so blunt, but I have been there and done that. She is not out to hurt you and I am sure she cares yet know it is normal for people to need lots of time to heal emotionally after a breakup (and she was engaged at 19!), regardless of whether they were the dumper or the dumpee. By being with you, she is avoiding that healing process (process where someone truly rationalizes why things did not work and convinces themselves of what they want in the future) and although you think the time you spend is making you both closer, you will never get to see this this woman be "emotionally available" until you sits back and goes through the healing process. She is definitely not ready to be with anyone and she is telling you that very clearly. She needs down time to recover and get her head together so let her. I also advise against "rescuing" her or playing therapist. That makes you co-dependent with her and rescuers usually get kicked in the head by the people they rescue eventually so get out of that role right now!! Don't forget that her self-esteem has taken a really hard knock, and no one can give that back to her but herself. So back way off, give her space, and see what happens.
AmberAriesMom Posted September 4, 2005 Posted September 4, 2005 You trust her? She dated you when she was living with another man! OK, that's about all I have to say.
Kengne Posted September 5, 2005 Posted September 5, 2005 Hey! Aside from the fact that your rel'ship was born out of infidelity ... I'm gonna try and be objective here. If she asked for space, give it to her. Give her so much space she starts to drown. She's young and confused, and needs to figure things out on her own. She may very well realize you were just a rebound; she may go back to her ex-fiance; or she may come back to you. Regardless, nothing you say or do can change the outcome of what is meant to be. Sorry hun.. but ur juss gonna have to sit TIGHT and sweat this one out. RE: the trip to her dying aunt...plz don't stress her abt it. If her aunt really wants to see the ex-fiance, so be it! That has nothing to do with you, and you can't punish her for her aunt's wishes!! Yes, it sucks that you two are on a break while she's there in Rhode Island with him but thats LIFE hun - it SUCKS! If you really love this girl and want a shot at making things work, you need to trust her and believe in her REGARDLESS of how things turn out between you two later on down the road. Good luck, and keep us posted! K.
Author eclipse123 Posted September 5, 2005 Author Posted September 5, 2005 This weekend was really hard. I went to West Virginia and did a lot of thinking on the ride there. I'm scared. There is no way for me not to be. Every once in a while my mind will create a real bad thought about the two of them. I will know more when I see her at work tomorrow. Do you think I should try and stay away and have her come to me in the morning or should I go right to her car and meet her and tell her how much I missed her. Honestly I want to do the latter. I"m just really scared I mean if she is getting back with him I assume she would have realized it after spending 4 days with him. Its really hard for me to not feel sad. I know I can't ask questions and pry. I wonder so many things though. I want to know what they did where they slept if they told her family they were broken up even though he still came. I know I can't ask these questions. She will think I dont trust her. Now I'm scared she's going to start hanging out with him now. This just sux. I mean if she does that than clearly its over. This is going to be a hard week.I really hope she comes to me in the morning all excited and hugs me and tells me she missed me and everything is alright.
fundamental Posted September 5, 2005 Posted September 5, 2005 eclipse123, Give her space and close the door. You are never going to really know what is going on with her ...so if I were you, I'd assume the worst. Think of the worse possible situation... maybe this will allow you to see that she is completely unavailable. It might make it easier for you to move on.
upsetnhurt Posted September 5, 2005 Posted September 5, 2005 Eclipse...let me say it again so you know what you are up against come tomorrow....... You are the backup plan. And if you continue to allow her back into your life over and over, you will get your heart broken, over and over. She is obviously not over her ex, and I can almost guarantee you she will dump you again and go back to him...again. Sorry to be so blunt, but I have been there and done that.
Author eclipse123 Posted September 5, 2005 Author Posted September 5, 2005 I"m not the back up plan man. She moved out from their apartment and got a place near me. They separated all their bank accounts and everything. She has told me over and over how I am the best guy in the world and how everything is perfect. I honestly believe she just needs a little time to just be her own person. Thats what she told me thats what I have to believe. I'm just a worrier and I get lots of thoughts and questions in my head and I upset myself. If she did go back to him I would flat out die.
upsetnhurt Posted September 5, 2005 Posted September 5, 2005 I am not saying it to be mean eclipse nor can I be 100% correct. i can only alert you of the high probability that she still has some unfinished business with the ex and am hoping to have you recognize this prior to invested your emotions completely (I think I am too late ). I have been in your shoes and my heart is paying the price for the second time with the same girl who went back to her ex twice now after being with me for a year and a half. She said all those wonderful things to me too and I felt on top of the world when we were together yet she then gives me the "space" talk.......People are strange let me tell you eclipse. This ex lied to her, never gave her commitment over their 4 yr relationship, and physically and emotionally stalked both she and I since her breakup with him close to two years ago......yet she still has unfinished feelings for him thus never being able to just be free emotionally with me. Best of luck to you and please remember we are all just trying to open your eyes to all possibilities.
magda Posted September 5, 2005 Posted September 5, 2005 So she tells me she's going with Eddie (her ex fiance). I was like what are you talking about? She says that her dying aunt asked for him to come because he is close with the family. That is so much bull. Stay away from this broad.
upsetnhurt Posted September 5, 2005 Posted September 5, 2005 Eclipse, I should have added the following to my last post.....don't discount the feelings that she has for her ex simply because she tells you that she is over it. She was engaged to this guy for god's sake so their must have been some strong feelings involved and those don't disappear so easily. She obviously has not dealt with the loss as evidenced by her starting a relationship instanteously with you. Be the smart one and recognize this fact and just pull back and let he evolve herself. If you are so sure she is into you then leave it be for six months........you being so perfect as she says, she definitely going to be interested in you after six months of being on her own. That means no involvement eclipse....hello and goodbye friendship yes, movie maybe once or twice, yet nothing more.....(NO Physical contact).....can you do this? Think to yourself...do you always want to wonder if she is thinking of him while she is with you?
upsetnhurt Posted September 5, 2005 Posted September 5, 2005 Eclipse, Did you ever think that when she said she needed "space"...that it was meant directly at you rather than from her contact with all men including her ex? She never said she needed space from her ex....and by her actions she is indicating that she needs space from you in order to spend time with her ex without having the guilt of leading you on. How did she break up with her ex exactly? What did she tell you happened to cause the breakup of their engagement?
hoppy28 Posted September 6, 2005 Posted September 6, 2005 this sounds like the situation im in!!!!!!!
Author eclipse123 Posted September 6, 2005 Author Posted September 6, 2005 tell me about your situation. I'm interested to see how you are dealing with it
hoppy28 Posted September 6, 2005 Posted September 6, 2005 its been a tough road my friend........................but the road is getting easier. i put myself in to a bad situation to begin with. i got involved with a girl that was in a 6 year long relationship. she was aggresive towards me and i just couldnt resist. i am single so...............it was had to say "no". that was first red flag that went up. i was blinded by her. i had never been so attracted to someone in my life. when we locked eyes my heart flutterd. after that first night she broke up with her ex 3 days later. i felt guilty. she said it was long over do. we spent time together over the next month. we talked about taking it slow. she didnt want the breakup with ex to cloud anything with me. we didnt see eachother during the week. we would talk almost every evening, and see eachother on the weekends. each night on the weekend would end up with us holding eachother, kissing. i was in heaven. i was really into this girl. i assumed she was into me just asmuch. she certainly said things that lead me to believe this and her actions seemed to back them up. we ended up sleeping together. i havent felt that close to someone in awhile. we did acouple more weekend dates and everthing seemed to be going just fine. we had talks about taking it slowly. i was ok with this.......i understood the situation. i needed her to be sure she wanted to be with me. alot of that month was her "intiating" being together. she wanted to see me. i would also ask to see her. she would call, i would call her. things seemed to be good. i made a call one day and she was busy..........i didnt think anything of it. called the next day...........busy again. let it go acouple days we talked. everything seemed fine. we had plans to maybe get together on the friday night or saturday night. she said she would call me. she never did. i didnt want to look "needy" so i let it go. i thought she may call but again she didnt. i was starting to fear the worse. i was the "rebound guy". i heard acouple days later from my best friend that she went out with another guy. i was disapointed as she told me she didnt want to see anyone else but take it slow with me. my heart was in my throat. i wanted so bad to call her and ask her what was up.............but i couldnt do it. i already new the answer. she may have never been into me the way she came off to. to this day im not sure if she with this other guy or if she is back with her ex. i was told she flipped out when she heard her ex was with another girl. i happend to run into her acouple weeks ago...............i was nervous. i didnt know what to do. should i say something????!!!! shouldnt i??? i sat next to her.............she immediatly got defensive. i didnt have to say anything. she told me "i ve been meaning to call you ive been so busy",,,,,blah, blah. she then tells me "alot of stuff has been happening over the last couple weeks.......i found out my boyfreind was dating a 19 yearold and it made me realise im not ready for anything else". i told her i felt like i was "blown off". that was that. i havent seen or heard from her since. dont know if she is dating a "new" guy or back with the ex. she left as wuick as she came. i fell hard for this girl. to hard. ive learned my lesson. dont get involved with someone who is emotionally attached to there ex. never get involved with a girl that has a boyfriend. as ive spent the last month trying to make sense of how someone could do this ive realized there isnt a damn thing i can do. she needs to figure herself out. i know im a great catch..................i just got involved with the wrong woman. alittle back round im 28 shell be 25 soon.
Author eclipse123 Posted September 6, 2005 Author Posted September 6, 2005 Man that does sound eerily like my situation. I am totally freaked out now. I dont know what to do when I see her tomorrow. I will know from just looking at her if something happened. I pray to god this doesn't happen to me. I gave her my heart and I trust her so much. I will let everyone know what happens when I see her tomorrow.
upsetnhurt Posted September 7, 2005 Posted September 7, 2005 Eclipse, You going to hold us in suspense????? Hope everything worked out in your favor and we were all wrong........
upsetnhurt Posted September 7, 2005 Posted September 7, 2005 Wyldflower, So what will you do now??? Just attempt to jump back into a relationship with your previous ex? Do you think it will be that easy to get over the most recent guy?
Author eclipse123 Posted September 8, 2005 Author Posted September 8, 2005 Ok so yesterday I saw her and she acted like she was so happy. I felt very uncomfortable because she kept telling me how much fun she had in Rhode Island. She didn't call me to get breakfast like we always do and she just didn't call me most of the day. We had lunch with her and her friend and she just acted so happy about her trip. Seriously didn't I have a right to be upset by this? She was with him and had a great time like we were supposed to have on our vacation a week earlier. Anyways today I found out she drove him to work because his car got broken into and I just flipped. I asked her why she was seeing him and everything and she said I obviously dont trust her. The thing is I do trust her. I dont think she is doing anything with him. She just doesn't seem to want to completly let go and quite frankly she can not ever be with me if he is still around. Anways I got real upset and she was so pissed because she says I keep bringing things up when she's made it clear she needs her space and blah blah. She told me to just pretend its over and live my life. I was so upset, but she later came back and said she didn't mean it. We talked for a half hour at lunch and it made me feel better. Basically she is to busy to have a boyfriend and she wants to finish the stuff with her ex fiance. I hate how she leaves it so open. Why does she have to say if it doesn't workout promise me you will be ok. Why can't she just say I need my time and I will come back. Anyways I told her I believe in us and she seemed happy. What we had was perfect. She said it herself. She says that this has nothing to do with me she just wants to see if she can be happy on her own for a while. I think I understand now and when we left work we were happy and she gave me a really long hug. Basically I'm just going to see her when I can and stop being sad. I'm just going to be myself and I have to believe she will come back. If I just happen to meet someone and it feels right then I will go out with them, but for now I'm not going out trying to find someone. Right now she is the only girl I want.
Mary3 Posted September 8, 2005 Posted September 8, 2005 Space ? For what : So she can be all by herself ( yea right ) and you wait like a good puppy until she takes you back ? NOT !
hoppy28 Posted September 8, 2005 Posted September 8, 2005 alright listen to me and listen well............................if a woman ever tells you she "needs space" it usually means alot more then "wanting to be alone". what it usually ends up meaning is "space for her to be with another". if she isnt ready to cut it off with her ex then she is still emotionally involved with him. for your own sake run my friend. i dont care how "perfect" she is. all that glitters isnt gold...........remember that. if she needs space so much then like someone else once said "make her drown in space". if you plan on waiting for this girl because she "needs space" your setting yourself up for alot of hurt. i hope you can look through the cloud this girl has put in your head. believe me when i say that sometimes they just arent what you think. the more you trust this girl the more you are allowing yourself to walked over.
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