Shabba888 Posted August 4, 2018 Posted August 4, 2018 Hi guys, Would appreciate your advice. Basically met a guy at work we flirted and exchanged numbers. We spoke almost every day, a bit of flirting a bit of getting to know each other. Initially he kept making excuses to avoid meeting up but when I asked him directly and said we can call it a day he told me he was in a 10 year relationship which ended 1.5 years ago but he’s still in “contact with her” every now and again. He said he was ‘cut up’ but it was 100% over. When I suggested calling it a day he arranged a date pretty quickly after although I always felt I was being “squeezed into his time”. We met another 2 times but almost a month between each date. Even though we had only been on 3 dates I asked him “where this is going”? He said he liked me and enjoyed my company but didn’t want to label it. He said he didn’t have the time to commit currently but it will get better and he will have more time. When I asked him about seeing other ppl he said I should. This had gone on over 7 months (almost messaging every day/seeing each other at work). I like him and became worried that he was just stringing me along/I would become more attached and hurt/ I would be wasting my time and he was just using me to as an ego massage. I slept on it and the next day decided that I was going to call it a day but if he felt ready at some point to be 100% in to get in touch I said *if* I’m available we can discuss things. He respected my wishes emphasised he liked me and that he has a lot of “noise in the background” (which I have interpreted to mean Ex issues or what ever, and once it has died down he will be intouch. We ended on nice terms but I was sad- I had become attached unfortunately. I started implementing no contact. About 4 days after our chat he got intouch nothing substantial just a meme and small talk. I did reply but purposely took much longer than usual. He hasn’t got intouch since- it’s been about 10 days.. but he does view all my snaps/posts very quickly. My question is (and I know this is partly how long is a piece of string but any comments appreciated) Based on the Ex issues- will he actually get intouch, will it take him months or years to move on?, why did he reach out after our serious chat, is checking my snaps etc significant (I’ve purposely ignored all of his). Not sure how to gage as most advice online is regarding no contact and an ex. Really had only been on 3 dates although speak a lot (inc personal things), Also we were never intimate..so I’m not sure if NC works in this situation do you think he would miss me (considering our lack of intimacy and the fact guys seem to get as attached as girls do!) Thanks appreciated
kendahke Posted August 5, 2018 Posted August 5, 2018 Based on the Ex issues- will he actually get intouch, will it take him months or years to move on?, Actually, the real question is: how much more of your youth do you want to waste waiting on him to get around to getting over an ex he doesn't sound like he's in a hurry to get over? I mean, do you have until 45 to wait on him? Say it does take years... are you going to take yourself off the market waiting on him to come around? why did he reach out after our serious chat, is checking my snaps etc significant (I’ve purposely ignored all of his).He reached out because he's keeping tabs on what you're doing---and because you haven't blocked him from spectating your life while not wanting to be a part of it. Not sure how to gage as most advice online is regarding no contact and an ex. Really had only been on 3 dates although speak a lot (inc personal things), Also we were never intimate..so I’m not sure if NC works in this situation do you think he would miss me (considering our lack of intimacy and the fact guys seem to get as attached as girls do!)3 dates which were over the course of 2+ months on top of still being hung up on his ex plus him telling you to go date other guys is called "low interest". You should take him up on his suggestion and leave him be and go date someone else. He's not arsing himself to make room in his life for you. You need to follow that lead, too.
Lotsgoingon Posted August 5, 2018 Posted August 5, 2018 Him saying things were 100% over with the ex does not mean he had 100% let her go. There is a difference. He sounds distant and inconsistent and the truth is, you have no idea why he's distant. No ... you don't want to assume--you'd be reckless to assume--that once he "gets over his ex," he's walking down the street to your door ... and he's totally open and ready to be 100 percent committed partner. His "didn't want to label it" thing ... not convincing ... just a way to say I want to hang with you but no commitments. Let him go ... If he wanted you, he would move on you ... never assume someone is going to come to you when they "get over" the ex. You were smart to call things off ... Keep them called off ... Your only mistake, I think, is saying contact me when you're 100 percent ready ... not good ... That statement threatens to keep you in a holding pattern, a hoping pattern. Maybe he'll later feel 100 percent. No ... You want to cut contact. Period. No talk of the future. You sent yourself a bad double-message them. No contact ... but ... Oh ... I'm waiting for him ... what if he contacts me? Let him go ... Call him again or text him and politely update your statement if you need to ... saying you know, I actually don't want to be even partly waiting around for you to feel 100 percent ... so I'm going to retract my suggestion that you call me when you're ready. You can do this without it sounding nasty at all ... and frankly, I don't have a sense that this guys is someone worth worrying about offending. Take care of you! 1
preraph Posted August 5, 2018 Posted August 5, 2018 If they're still in contact, he's still hung up on her. You are chasing someone who's still taken. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted August 5, 2018 Posted August 5, 2018 He keeps reaching out even after "calling it a day" because you've previously showed him you'll keep responding and giving him attention. However, you are most certainly wasting your time with him. This isn't going anywhere. It really is time to call it day. Your his place-filler until he gets over the ex, and his interest is low if you only went out 3 times and there was zero intimacy. So No Contact won't "work" for the reasons you're hoping, and it isn't meant to bring someone back. It's meant to help you let go and move on. His attachment isn't to you; it's to his ex. 1
d0nnivain Posted August 5, 2018 Posted August 5, 2018 He wasn't as over the 10 year relationship as he thought he was, even after 1.5 years. He made some effort to try with you but his heart was never in it. Don't hold out hope for him to come back. Live your life. If a few years from now he pops back up you can revisit it then but the changes are about as good for that as for you winning the lottery. 1
smackie9 Posted August 5, 2018 Posted August 5, 2018 OK this has nothing to do with his ex....all he is doing is knit picking who he wants to commit to...and it's not you. You are just an option, and he is still looking. You really need to set expectations a lot higher than what you have been doing with this guy. The biggest red flag is that you had to give him an ultimatum (ask you out or I'm walking) to take you out on a date. My god don't ever do that again. This guy has been waffling for 7 months.....you are just buddies, this ain't dating! So get the hell away from him. 1
act00 Posted August 6, 2018 Posted August 6, 2018 Don't expect anything from this guy. Seven months is long enough to realize nothing is going to happen. He likes the idea of dating and relationship, but doesn't want to actually do it, and who knows when he will or if you will be the one. He likes flirting and he likes going out once in awhile when it suits him, which for you results in three dates over seven months...hardly worth it. He's not offering what you want in a relationship. Move on. Be friendly at work and professional, and don't engage him outside of work. I can't say I would block and delete a coworker, but I can certainly ignore. Just go on with your life, and expect that there is nothing that's going to happen with this guy...he's just a guy at work.
stillafool Posted August 6, 2018 Posted August 6, 2018 First off you pursued him and not the other way around which was not good. Men seem more invested when they do the pursuing. When he told you you could date other people and you felt like he was "squeezing you in"; you should have walked away then as that showed you how much he didn't value you. No, he's not over his ex if he's still "cut up" over it and more than likely is wanting her back. I would suggest you not expect anything from this guy but to get over him and move on. I wouldn't get involved with anymore work mates because it rarely turns out well and then you have to see them at work. Not good.
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