It's Over

[MountainGirl111]

Update:

 

The cops finally got back to me on the welfare check they did on exBF. The first day they went over to his place he wasn't home. So they went back a second day and apparently *she* answered the door. I guess that doesn't/shouldn't surprise me. Maybe if she is still around he will leave me alone. They said he was fine and didn't seem distraught or in a bad way or anything. I appreciate everyone's help here.

[Ralph79]

Update:

 

The cops finally got back to me on the welfare check they did on exBF. The first day they went over to his place he wasn't home. So they went back a second day and apparently *she* answered the door. I guess that doesn't/shouldn't surprise me. Maybe if she is still around he will leave me alone. They said he was fine and didn't seem distraught or in a bad way or anything. I appreciate everyone's help here.

 

I hope you find solace in the fact that you are WAY better off without this guy. And judging by how active you are, going to the gym and stuff, I know you will be back on your feet (emotionally speaking) in no time.

 

I'm glad you were able find support on these forums, and keep us updated if you need any further advice.

 

Cheers MountainGirl111

 

PS: How are you feeling about all this now ?

[MountainGirl111]

I hope you find solace in the fact that you are WAY better off without this guy. And judging by how active you are, going to the gym and stuff, I know you will be back on your feet (emotionally speaking) in no time.

 

I'm glad you were able find support on these forums, and keep us updated if you need any further advice.

 

Cheers MountainGirl111

 

PS: How are you feeling about all this now ?

 

Thx. I am feeling a LOT better today and am sleeping much better so my outlook is much better...Thx for all your help. It's not easy for me to be on the receiving end of help...it feels surreal for me to be in a position of asking for help. So, I'm pleasantly surprised..maybe I shouldn't be...but am.

[byron3477]

MountainGirl: Figured I owed you a reply of my own

 

Hope this doesn't come off as trying to make it about me, just wanted to share a guy's perspective in case it helps.

 

I dealt with the same thing with the ex I've been posting about. I was in the same boat that your boyfriend was. Things were really intimate at first, but dropped off severely after a while. To the point where I would be fully shut down the majority of the time, and at the time of breakup had sex/any other type of physical contact maybe once or twice a month.

 

I fully admit I was angry about it at first, and acted in a way that definitely made her upset as the rejection hurt. No fighting, no pressuring. I just expressed that I was confused by it.

 

She ultimately admitted it was a bodily issue/hormonal imbalance that was the problem. I told her I understood, didn't blame her. ONLY BECAUSE she said she wanted to but simply couldn't, I asked if she had spoken to her doctor about it and if she would continue to do so in order to see if it was something she could get help with. Of course I wanted to express myself in this way with her. I don't feel I was ever pushy or judgemental about it. I certainly wasn't trying to be.

 

I know she could tell I was disappointed at the rejection whenever it would happen and she would get upset that she couldn't. I really have to say I did my absolute best to be understanding and would rarely ever even try to initiate anything so she wouldn't be uncomfortable. I mostly left it up to her to initiate. I didn't cheat, so I guess that's where it turns.

 

I'll tell you that from a guy's perspective, we think some irrational things when we get rejected. For me,my mind would always go to a weird place. "Why is she liking a guy's instagram post, is she sleeping with him instead?", "is she dressing like that and going out with her friends to find someone else since she's clearly not into me?" "Did she only want to do that when it was new and exciting to her, now she's over it?" Trust me I know - stupid. But have to be honest I had those thoughts. I was able to put them out of my mind as I did trust her 100%. Post breakup, there is a part of me that wonders if it wasn't ALL a body issue and she had indeed lost some or all of the attraction to me.

 

The physical/affectionate aspect is an important one in my eyes but of course far from everything. It eventually became coping with the reality that this wouldn't be a constant thing, but there was too much good there for me for it to be a deal breaker.

 

I just wish she had felt the same way. Your situation clearly got quite crazy, but seems you made the right choice.

Edited August 17, 2018 by byron3477

[MountainGirl111]

Thanks Byron. I'll give your post some thought.

 

Looking back I see more clearly now it wasn't the sex issue that bothered me as much as how he was mean to me in other ways. He would shoot me down, basically, except he didn't use a pistol or a 12 guage shotgun. He shot down my ideas. He tried to shoot down my "thinking" even my beliefs; my faith. That tends to put wounds at a soul level and to me is worse than the bruises he left on my arm or all the times he coerced me into having sex but then turned his back on me when he didn't get what he wanted "right now". I also grew to learn he has a vindictive side to him as well as a mean streak. And then sometimes he was just cold...which left me wondering what I did wrong. He became resentful to me. So, now I have no idea if he'll try to get back at me or if he will leave me alone so I can heal. I know I will heal..it will take some time, and I'll need angelic intervention to help; which I very much believe in. The majority of the healing is going to happen at the soul level. I don't why he was resentful at times. It's like he resented me for just being there....treated me like a pest and he needed to call in the exterminater..."to get rid of" a noxious pest. Ah, such is life...such is life...

Edited August 17, 2018 by MountainGirl111

[MountainGirl111]

MountainGirl: Figured I owed you a reply of my own

 

Hope this doesn't come off as trying to make it about me, just wanted to share a guy's perspective in case it helps.

 

I dealt with the same thing with the ex I've been posting about. I was in the same boat that your boyfriend was. Things were really intimate at first, but dropped off severely after a while. To the point where I would be fully shut down the majority of the time, and at the time of breakup had sex/any other type of physical contact maybe once or twice a month.

 

I fully admit I was angry about it at first, and acted in a way that definitely made her upset as the rejection hurt. No fighting, no pressuring. I just expressed that I was confused by it.

 

She ultimately admitted it was a bodily issue/hormonal imbalance that was the problem. I told her I understood, didn't blame her. ONLY BECAUSE she said she wanted to but simply couldn't, I asked if she had spoken to her doctor about it and if she would continue to do so in order to see if it was something she could get help with. Of course I wanted to express myself in this way with her. I don't feel I was ever pushy or judgemental about it. I certainly wasn't trying to be.

 

I know she could tell I was disappointed at the rejection whenever it would happen and she would get upset that she couldn't. I really have to say I did my absolute best to be understanding and would rarely ever even try to initiate anything so she wouldn't be uncomfortable. I mostly left it up to her to initiate. I didn't cheat, so I guess that's where it turns.

 

I'll tell you that from a guy's perspective, we think some irrational things when we get rejected. For me,my mind would always go to a weird place. "Why is she liking a guy's instagram post, is she sleeping with him instead?", "is she dressing like that and going out with her friends to find someone else since she's clearly not into me?" "Did she only want to do that when it was new and exciting to her, now she's over it?" Trust me I know - stupid. But have to be honest I had those thoughts. I was able to put them out of my mind as I did trust her 100%. Post breakup, there is a part of me that wonders if it wasn't ALL a body issue and she had indeed lost some or all of the attraction to me.

 

The physical/affectionate aspect is an important one in my eyes but of course far from everything. It eventually became coping with the reality that this wouldn't be a constant thing, but there was too much good there for me for it to be a deal breaker.

 

I just wish she had felt the same way. Your situation clearly got quite crazy, but seems you made the right choice.

 

Thx for giving a guy's perspective on things. *sigh* I'm kinda blah today. I'm just having a hard time believing that a man will ever love me for what's on my inside; for my soul. That's highly important to me. I probably need to be alone for awhile and get my soul mended up good. I know I can do it. I've done it before. I really don't feel insecure about my outward appearance or my body. It's just that I know when I don't have peace in my soul....and if I don't have peace at that level it doesn't matter what my body is like. Because my body is a temporary house for my soul to live in while I'm alive and walking on the earth.

 

Crying now...but

I'll be okay.

[preraph]

I'm sorry you're feeling the loss now. There's no way to escape that, but since I think you are now resolved, it will be a shorter period. Remember it was his dishonesty and shortcomings that made the relationship fail, not yours, no matter how he tried to convince you his cheating was your fault.

 

I sure hope his little 18 year old catty girlfriend could overhear what the police were talking to him about so she realizes he threatened suicide if you didn't get back together. Of course, that's her game too, so she is already down with those tactics, though I'm sure she'd be disappointed he used it on you and not her, though he may have done that to her as well by now. I hope he's too embarrassed to ever contact you again. If he does, you should let him have it about his juvenile attention-seeking manipulative behavior. Bah.

[MountainGirl111]

thx pre. You're a sweet lady. There are relationships that tend to be rooted in the flesh; others rooted by neat things in common, intellect; some spiritually. I've never had a shortage of male attention really....HOWEVER I do feel I have had a shortage of the type of male attention that truly cares for my inner being; my soul. I thought at first there was a soul connection with him, but maybe I was deceived. I don't know; I just don't know....I don't let too many men "in". I just don't. So, when I do and I get screwed over it hurts extra bad. Ugh. I feel sort of violated...but it's my own damn fault. I allowed it to happen. I'm pretty sure he hates me now.

Edited August 18, 2018 by MountainGirl111

[Ralph79]

There is no surefire way to find the type of connection you seek . You have a certain preference when choosing a partner and unfortunately things havent worked out so far .

 

While its important to pay attention to how a partner treats us and how they make us feel , its just as important to reflect on how a relationship with them helps us grow , become better .

 

I do t recall where I read this anymore but it stuck with me :

 

A relationship has 4 foundations :

 

Attraction , Love , Respect & Empathy .

 

Sometimes each of them flourish in a different order , but they all need to be present in abundance in a healthy relationship .

 

There are relationships that rely solely on attraction , and nothing more . These are usually the kind that turn abusive (be it physical or emotional) towards a partner .

 

There are relationships that thrive on just Love . These are in my opinion the most painful because (although I hate to disagree with The Beatles in matters of Love) , there is a lack of understanding , a lack of passion , and usually partners end up feeling like siblings . These lead to the worst kind of breakups when all else fails .

 

Relationships that lack respect are the type you went through . There could be a lot of sex , a lot of emotion , and thoughtfulness . But when your partner doesn’t respect you , they end up either cheating on you or belittling you . These relationships can be the most confusing in my opinion .

 

Those relationships that thrive on respect alone on the other hand usually die down once that respect is gone . Someone might think you are the greatest human on the planet for something you do at work , or an accomplishment or an ability . But once they get used to that , or worse, once you can no longer impress them or do something that makes them lose their respect for you (I’m talking to you Knight in Shining Amrors to the Rescue out there ), the spark is gone for good .

 

Empathy is key to be able to understand each other . Both partners should be able to see eye to eye and value what each other does . A lack of empathy usually leads to constant fights because there simply is no common ground . When you fail to see how much effort your partner puts into the relationship , you either feel under appreciated or worse start taking your partner for granted .

 

I hope this can help you see what you have been lacking in your love life so that it may provide a compass for what to look for next time .

 

Like I said , there is no sure fire way to guarantee the next person you meet will treat you right , BUT you can put a stop to a bad relationship before it starts given that you have survived several bad ones now .

 

Again , don’t feel bad . I congratulate you sincerely for having the courage to open your heart to someone and not giving up on finding the person life meant for you .

 

Cheers

[MountainGirl111]

Like I said , there is no sure fire way to guarantee the next person you meet will treat you right , BUT you can put a stop to a bad relationship before it starts given that you have survived several bad ones now .

 

Again , don’t feel bad . I congratulate you sincerely for having the courage to open your heart to someone and not giving up on finding the person life meant for you .

 

Cheers

 

I appreciate your concern and all. I'm not even thinking in terms of "the next person". Really. I'm not. I just don't roll that way.

 

I have a mind of my own and I seriously think this rubbed him the wrong way. I didn't always do what he suggested. We clashed at times. If he suggested something I would maybe think about it and come to my own decision. I think that bothered him. My independent streak may have been a drawing factor at first, but it became an area of contention later. He underestimated me in some ways ... in other ways he thought I was more capable than I really was ... so I wonder if he really KNEW me ... I think he was partially in love with a fantasy. When he found out reality didn't totally match up with his fantasy that is when he started to have one foot out the door.

 

Do you realize how many men "misread" women? They either assume we are "weaker" than we really are or they assume we are stronger than we really are. Actually women do this to men as well! It is assumed men are strong/tough. Fact is many men are more tender-hearted than we realize. They get hurt too. They feel rejection too. They have feelings too. I think it's totally possible to be friends with a man....but in my experience they often don't want to be just friends. Oh they assume you want to be more than friends when maybe you really don't.

 

Anyway, I want to put the nightmare behind me. I do respect myself. I did open up. I got screwed over. Life will go on.

Edited August 18, 2018 by MountainGirl111

[MountainGirl111]

I do appreciate your input Ralph. I'll be fine. Thanks again.

[MountainGirl111]

Thanks to all of you for helping me with this stuff.

 

 

I know what part of my problem is that might have driven him into the arms of another girl. I'm too analytical. I know this about myself. I warned him about it. I told him my brain doesn't shut off very well. He got frustrated because he wanted more action between the sheets and less action between my ears. At first he was attracted to my thinking because he told me I was smart. ..

 

But then, he started accusing me of cheating and fooling around on him while I was at work. I tried to tell him that if I had WANTED to fool around at work I could have long long ago, but I never ever did that ever because that's just wrong. But I've had men hit on me at work off and on and I just have to plough through that stuff and keep working. He just didn't believe me on that. I felt so frustrated trying to get him to understand that, but he never believed me. How do you get someone to believe something they just won't believe?

 

I have to find a way to put this all behind me. But my thoughts don't shut off very easily.

Edited August 18, 2018 by MountainGirl111