It's Over

[MountainGirl111]

You are most certainly not weak.

 

 

You know how many girls would be trying to fight for his affection with that other girl?

 

 

Not you. You clearly have self-respect. That is why, right now, he is desperate to get you back. Key words: right now.

 

 

In his mind, he probably has a mixture of expecting you to come back, and regretting his actions. But is this rock bottom? Probably not, by the sound of his letter (not enough accountability taking).

 

 

Make him wait. Don't do anything right now. That's what he wants: right now. You are not impulsive like him, however. You can take your time to figure out if he really means what he says. Chances are, he doesn't. If he's willing to wait months for you, and work on his growth during that time, then maybe he's worth a second chance. If he isn't, then you've got your answer.

 

Oh god...I know everything you've written here is right on the money...still....there's part of me inside that is still stung from being cheated on and I want to BELIEVE that he still loves me and wants me despite everything that has happened. I KNOW "time will tell"...I know that in my soul...I KNOW in my mind the sequence of events and the aftermath and the deja vu and everything...I KNOW these things....but then my heart takes over and I think of the good times and how wonderful and nice he was at the beginning...how special he made me feel...how he looked at me as if I was beautiful...how he touched me with his magnificent hands....and then I feel like such a big sucker for being deceived and cheated on and misled. Why would a guy INSIST on sexual exclusiveness if he didn't really mean it? Why would a guy say, "I want you for myself!" if he didn't really mean it? I feel like he cast the bait and I fell for it hook line and sinker. Truly. I fell for it. I TRUSTED him!! I trusted him to be true to his word and he didn't keep his word. Now I'm starting to go from hurt to ANGER.

 

I'm soooooo tired of hurting...it fatigues me, it really does...I am better at dealing with physical pain than emotional pain...but it really really hurt....and my guy friend from the gym (the federal P.O.) told me he was worried about me because I looked pale and drawn and vacant, like I was just going to fall over....he's a really good guy and he doesn't just say stuff like that!!I've known him and his wife for years...so I feel his opinion in important. He's just a really good guy who is the kind of guy who can be friends/brother to women simply because he never puts the make on anyone...because he is so faithful to his wife and family. I respect that so I take his advice to heart. Which leaves wondering if I really SHOULD call the cops?

 

But I don't want to do that because I take care of my own problems and I like it that way. I'm independent. It literally KILLS me to need the help of others.

Edited August 11, 2018 by MountainGirl111

[Ralph79]

Only you have a true “feel” of the situation , on the subject of calling the cops .

People have given you great advise here , but only you know all the facts better than anyone here or your friend .

 

Do what you feel is right on the cop front.

 

My own personal advise in that regard (granted there is much I dont know ) , is to wait it out . And if he continues to contact you , make him call the cops on her .

 

Thats what I would do in your shoes.

 

Be strong . I know you feel confused , your ego should be bruised , and there is the matter of that crazy lover interfering in this . Its too much baggage in my opinion , but I understand how your feelings get in the way of being objective .

 

You deserve to be treated with respect . Dont let him get away with this so easily . Youll regret it later in life . I’m not saying you shouldn’t give him a chance , I’m simply saying that you show him , or anyone for that matter that you won’t take crap like that with no repercussions .

[MountainGirl111]

Only you have a true “feel” of the situation , on the subject of calling the cops .

People have given you great advise here , but only you know all the facts better than anyone here or your friend .

 

Do what you feel is right on the cop front.

 

My own personal advise in that regard (granted there is much I dont know ) , is to wait it out . And if he continues to contact you , make him call the cops on her .

 

Thats what I would do in your shoes.

 

Be strong . I know you feel confused , your ego should be bruised , and there is the matter of that crazy lover interfering in this . Its too much baggage in my opinion , but I understand how your feelings get in the way of being objective .

 

You deserve to be treated with respect . Dont let him get away with this so easily . Youll regret it later in life . I’m not saying you shouldn’t give him a chance , I’m simply saying that you show him , or anyone for that matter that you won’t take crap like that with no repercussions .

 

Ralph...Ralph...Ralph...for a man who has no proper connection to my situation you are fairly on target. Yes, do I ever have a 'feel' for this situation. And my feel is that in my gut there is this sinking feeling...on the one hand I hate that feeling...but on the other hand I know I'd best pay heed to it!! So, I guess you'd call that a blessing and a curse...which seems to be the way my life unfolds. Blessing and curse-at the same time.

 

Blessing and curse at the same time can leave me feeling utterly screwed over! Hey, just telling it like it is....Yes, I know I deserve to be treated with respect. But, do you know? ... how many people simply have no respect....? Seriously. No respect. And, like I said before: I don't know which one bothers me more: the fact that he doesn't respect what I do for a living ... or the fact that he doesn't respect me enough to refrain from living by a double standard.

 

You see: I hate double standards. I hope I don't live my OWN life that way...because I not only dislike that...I actually hate it. I don't think I am a hateful person. Really. But I hate double standards. They just rub me wrong. How I'm wired, maybe. I don't want to be a hard nosed ole sow. I don't want to become this cynical, jaded person who sees all the hard edges in life only to overlook the soft beauties. So, it's an exercise to not allow my heart to become hard/jaded. Take the typical woman for example who will stoop to the levels they stoop to to fight over a man. Well, I've never engaged in that kind of warfare. I've never "engaged".

 

Why? Why wouldn't I engage in that kind of warfare? I'm not totally sure on why that is...maybe it's how I was raised. Maybe it's in my genes. But it just seemed to me to be an exercise in futility. A waste. I don't like wasting things... I really don't. It leaves me feeling empty.

[preraph]

Update: OMG. ... This is unbelievable... she called me a few hours ago. I don't know how she got my number...and I didn't recognize her number, so I answered the phone like I normally would. She said, "This is so and so and I need you to leave him alone. I've been sleeping with _____ for a while and he's amazing and our love is amazing. It just took him a long to time to realize he just wants to be with me. So, leave him alone. He's mine."

 

It was the same girl that showed up to my house recently! I can't believe this. This is worse than I ever thought possible. I don't know what to do. I'm blocking her number for sure. He and I are broke up now and I have stayed away. Haven't called him, texted him, emailed him, nothing. Why would she call me like that?

 

I was going to just hang up on her, but I said as calmly as I could that he and I are broke up and I haven't been in any contact with him, so she needn't worry about me. And I added, "Don't call me again and don't show up at my house."

 

Why it doesn't make sense is because he's lying to her and telling her HE broke up with YOU and YOU are crazy and still after him. I have an ex who apparently did something similar and now his wife glares at me if I see them out in public. If I wanted him, I'd still have him. It's annoying. But it's in the past. Just be glad he's got a new sucker to focus on because he'd be even more dangerous if he didn't. I hate that he bruised you. You need to leave that gym. Hope it doesn't cost you a fortune.

[preraph]

I usually handle conflict fairly well and stay pretty calm. This has rattled my cage. He sent me a text the other night before I blocked him saying how he doesn't really love her, he loves me and how she started pursuing him and she wouldn't take no for an answer and he was feeling lonely the first time they got together because I was working overtime. And it went on and on...."please give us another chance. I didn't know she would show up at your house like that. She's crazy.....etc, etc. I was going to put a stop to things with her but I didn't want her to totally flip out and I didn't know what to do.......etc, etc.". It made me nauseous. Still debating whether I should call the cops.

 

If he persists, you should put in writing "I want no further contact of any kind from you. "and then if he comes by or finds you somewhere, call the cops and show them that and get a restraining order, but you'll still have to be careful. It's a piece of paper, but the if he breaches the order, the can arrest him, though they won't keep him long.

[preraph]

Well, I blocked the ex on everything I could possibly block him on. But he sent me a letter via snail mail and stupidly I read it. I should have ripped it up and thrown it away because it upsets me!! I haven't been sleeping all that great all week long; maybe 4-6 hours a night because I just haven't been able to settle my thoughts down.

 

In the letter he told me he cut the other girl off and she didn't take it well and still wouldn't leave him alone. He explained the things that led up to his starting a relationship with her in his manner of explaining and he wrote that if I didn't believe a word he said he wouldn't blame me. He said he blames himself and he should have been stronger and stayed true to me. He said he doesn't expect me to ever take him back, but he just needed to let me know how he really feels about me. He said he's never loved any girl like he loves me. He just had a moment of weakness where I was working extra and he assumed I was carrying on with some guy at work. (I've never done anything of the sort!) Then he waxed poetic telling me all the reasons he fell in love with me and the characteristics about me he loves so much. He said he will love me forever, even if I choose to never see him again. He said he would still go on loving me and that his love for me will never die. But he also said he would understand if I didn't believe a single thing he wrote as if a person lies to once you never know what to believe after that. It will always cause doubts. He said she is not anywhere near the woman I am and he doesn't love her. She was just "there" when I wasn't and he was feeling bad missing me.

 

He went on and on in the letter, but the last part is what really upsets me. He said he got a new prescription for an anti-depressant this week and he was going to overdose on it. Alarm bells are going off! He hurt me, but I don't want him to kill himself. I don't know what to do. This is WAY too much drama here. I can't keep doing this.

 

Do NOT answer that letter. Now he's trying to blackmail you. Don't ever let anyone get that started. Act like you didn't see the letter, and let him wonder like a desperate person if you ever really got it or not.

 

He's just manipulating to get his way. It's low. And ask yourself this: Do you want this man to be a father to your kids and then threaten suicide every time he doesn't get his way? What's he got to be suicidal for? He's the one who didn't give a crap enough to be faithful! He's just manipulating. Do not give him ANY attention for threatening suicide.

Edited August 12, 2018 by preraph

[SunnyWeather]

These latest events sure do make it more difficult to move on, especially with him threatening suicide.

 

I'm with your friend in that I think it would be best to call the cops to do a welfare check on your ex. That way they can get the Dr's information and notify him/her of what your ex has threatened. It's called harm reduction.

 

This is one way for you to release this ugly burden. I'm sorry this is happening to you. Stay strong, and get support and take steps to ensure your safety.

[Ralph79]

Ralph...Ralph...Ralph...for a man who has no proper connection to my situation you are fairly on target. Yes, do I ever have a 'feel' for this situation. And my feel is that in my gut there is this sinking feeling...on the one hand I hate that feeling...but on the other hand I know I'd best pay heed to it!! So, I guess you'd call that a blessing and a curse...which seems to be the way my life unfolds. Blessing and curse-at the same time.

 

Blessing and curse at the same time can leave me feeling utterly screwed over! Hey, just telling it like it is....Yes, I know I deserve to be treated with respect. But, do you know? ... how many people simply have no respect....? Seriously. No respect. And, like I said before: I don't know which one bothers me more: the fact that he doesn't respect what I do for a living ... or the fact that he doesn't respect me enough to refrain from living by a double standard.

 

You see: I hate double standards. I hope I don't live my OWN life that way...because I not only dislike that...I actually hate it. I don't think I am a hateful person. Really. But I hate double standards. They just rub me wrong. How I'm wired, maybe. I don't want to be a hard nosed ole sow. I don't want to become this cynical, jaded person who sees all the hard edges in life only to overlook the soft beauties. So, it's an exercise to not allow my heart to become hard/jaded. Take the typical woman for example who will stoop to the levels they stoop to to fight over a man. Well, I've never engaged in that kind of warfare. I've never "engaged".

 

Why? Why wouldn't I engage in that kind of warfare? I'm not totally sure on why that is...maybe it's how I was raised. Maybe it's in my genes. But it just seemed to me to be an exercise in futility. A waste. I don't like wasting things... I really don't. It leaves me feeling empty.

 

I’m happy that you are acknowledging the advice everyone here is giving you . Ultimately the choices are yours . Ive seen similar situations to what you are going through . When you see enough of then , you start seeing patterns of behaviours in people . We may be unpredictable , but every action has a predictable reaction most of the time .

 

If you take time to sort out your feelings , I think that you will find that what you hate most is the fact that you are not respecting yourself . You know this guy has treated you poorly as the relationship has gone on , yet due to all his superficial qualities , you try and rationalize and justify his behavior for the sake of maintaining this relationship . [Again I am drawing probable conclusions based on a few posts I have read, I could be wrong ].

 

If you want to stop feeling that way , you need to take charge of that relationship and either make him respect you or find someone who will .

 

And the reason you won’t engage in warfare , or fight for another man is because you are an intelligent woman who knows that she deserves better than to raise her voice or worse yet , her fist , for an idiot who probably get off on this type of behavior from women .

 

And I agree with peraph: Dont answer that letter . If you ever do feel a need to get back at this guy , in case he does anything in the future to hurt you , the worse kind of payback is indefference .

 

And as SunnyWeather states : Stay Strong

 

Cheers

[MountainGirl111]

Do NOT answer that letter. Now he's trying to blackmail you. Don't ever let anyone get that started. Act like you didn't see the letter, and let him wonder like a desperate person if you ever really got it or not.

 

He's just manipulating to get his way. It's low. And ask yourself this: Do you want this man to be a father to your kids and then threaten suicide every time he doesn't get his way? What's he got to be suicidal for? He's the one who didn't give a crap enough to be faithful! He's just manipulating. Do not give him ANY attention for threatening suicide.

 

So you think it's more likely he's not suicidal? It's hard for me to ignore suicide threats; especially if they say they're going to do it in a specific way...that's ups the threat. I think I'm going to call the cops and ask them to do a welfare check on him. But I'm not going to contact him myself.

[MountainGirl111]

I’m happy that you are acknowledging the advice everyone here is giving you . Ultimately the choices are yours . Ive seen similar situations to what you are going through . When you see enough of then , you start seeing patterns of behaviours in people . We may be unpredictable , but every action has a predictable reaction most of the time .

 

If you take time to sort out your feelings , I think that you will find that what you hate most is the fact that you are not respecting yourself . You know this guy has treated you poorly as the relationship has gone on , yet due to all his superficial qualities , you try and rationalize and justify his behavior for the sake of maintaining this relationship . [Again I am drawing probable conclusions based on a few posts I have read, I could be wrong ].

 

If you want to stop feeling that way , you need to take charge of that relationship and either make him respect you or find someone who will .

 

And the reason you won’t engage in warfare , or fight for another man is because you are an intelligent woman who knows that she deserves better than to raise her voice or worse yet , her fist , for an idiot who probably get off on this type of behavior from women .

 

And I agree with peraph: Dont answer that letter . If you ever do feel a need to get back at this guy , in case he does anything in the future to hurt you , the worse kind of payback is indefference .

 

And as SunnyWeather states : Stay Strong

 

Cheers

 

Oh man, are there really men who get off on women fighting over them? That sounds a bit bizarre. Learn something new everyday. I won't engage in that though. I am trying to stay strong. I like what you said about self respect! Thx!

[preraph]

Oh man, are there really men who get off on women fighting over them? That sounds a bit bizarre. Learn something new everyday. I won't engage in that though. I am trying to stay strong. I like what you said about self respect! Thx!

 

There definitely are. Big huge ego boost.

[preraph]

So you think it's more likely he's not suicidal? It's hard for me to ignore suicide threats; especially if they say they're going to do it in a specific way...that's ups the threat. I think I'm going to call the cops and ask them to do a welfare check on him. But I'm not going to contact him myself.

 

Mountain Girl, don't you find the timing suspicious? I mean, does he have ongoing severe mental illness and depression? If so you never made mention of it. This is just him trying to gain control once again.

 

IF you feel he has the mental illness to be serious, you should just call the police on him, but not contact him about it and stay out of it otherwise, no contacting anyone else, which is the attention and control he wants. It's just control and manipulation. If he keeps it up, no response whatever except call the police if you want to. This might embarrass him and make him stop and that's not the result he wanted. And if you do, be sure and tell them you want no further contact with him and that you've already broken up with him and suspect he's just trying to force you to get back with him.

 

You need to be careful and not see him, because if he's desperate enough to try to force your hand with suicide threats, he might be mad enough to hurt you or worse. So maybe a call to the police is in order to start making a record of his threats.

Edited August 12, 2018 by preraph

[Ralph79]

Oh man, are there really men who get off on women fighting over them? That sounds a bit bizarre. Learn something new everyday. I won't engage in that though. I am trying to stay strong. I like what you said about self respect! Thx!

 

The world is full of all types of people. I dont know anything about him except for the info you have provided , so I just draw up conclussions that may or may not be helpful to you . That’s why I stated that he “probably” gets off on the fact that he is being coveted and fought over by 2 people dear to him .

 

Something that hasnt been brought to your attention yet is that the crazy stalker girl probably knows more about you than you may want to know . Your Ex and her hooked up keeping you in the dark . God knows how much info about you he shared . But given the fact that she knows your number and your address I’d say she had access to everything he had about you two .

 

And regarding his suicide threat, how will he even know that you read the letter . You could tell a mutual friend about the letter and tell them you burned it wihtout opening it . I dont think he would follow through on threats , especially wihtout his intended audience .

[marky00]

I do think there is an element of truth to his letter. Not all of it but some of I think.

 

I was in an LDR and 3 years in, I was getting tired of being a machine and an ATM for this girl in Thailand. Anyway, some random local girl calls me up during this time and I decided to meet her. Never had sex but did kiss and stuff. After a few weeks, I could sense this local girl had some crazy about her and I was also feeling crappy about the fact I hadn't resolved what was going on with the LDR.

 

Anyway, after a few weeks, I confessed to the Thai girl because I realised I was still in love with her but my ego was low because as I said I was feeling like I had to act as an emotionless machine with her. She was upset about it of course and saw it purely as me cheating. I knew deep down I had never stopped loving her but to her that fact seemed irrelevant or not believable. We did actually get past it in the end and lasted another few years but I think for her, she took me off the pedestal somewhat.

 

Getting back to your ex. My point is that I actually do believe that this new woman is pretty crazy (proven by the fact she contacted you). Sounds like she is clingy and possessive which ultimately will be a big turn off. Meanwhile, you have been stable and drama-free which is attractive behavior. So putting all this together, I do think he values you but as other posters have said, I guess time will tell.

 

I definitely see some similarities between my story and your ex's story. Having a low self-esteem (feeling rejected on some level, justified or not), looking for a way to boost that (i.e. another woman), then having regrets upon realising that isn't the solution, especially when you still "value" the woman you cheated on.

 

Us guys do some dumb things sometimes and a few of us need a wake up call but sadly by then its too late.

 

I could be way off the mark with regards to your ex but as I said, I do see some similarities when I put myself in his shoes. And I definitely did still value the girl I cheated on.

[MountainGirl111]

I think there is a reason for every behavior. That reason may not be obvious, but it's there. I think people cheat for a reason. I'm not justifying what he did...but the other girl came along when he was perhaps lonely and in his "ego-world"/mentality. Hey, I have an ego too and I know I do things from time to time to feed it. It's just that my sense of justice is truly rattled in that he cheated when I was at work; working my buns off. I am fulfilled by my work, but it's hard sometimes...very hard....so it's just so unfair to my sense of justice that he would demand sexual exclusivity on my part but not keep his end of the deal. There's a huge discrepancy there. But regardless of how I feel about him, I would still hate to see him commit suicide.

[MountainGirl111]

Mountain Girl, don't you find the timing suspicious? I mean, does he have ongoing severe mental illness and depression? If so you never made mention of it. This is just him trying to gain control once again.

 

IF you feel he has the mental illness to be serious, you should just call the police on him, but not contact him about it and stay out of it otherwise, no contacting anyone else, which is the attention and control he wants. It's just control and manipulation. If he keeps it up, no response whatever except call the police if you want to. This might embarrass him and make him stop and that's not the result he wanted. And if you do, be sure and tell them you want no further contact with him and that you've already broken up with him and suspect he's just trying to force you to get back with him.

 

You need to be careful and not see him, because if he's desperate enough to try to force your hand with suicide threats, he might be mad enough to hurt you or worse. So maybe a call to the police is in order to start making a record of his threats.

 

I've called the police and they are going to make a welfare check. I'm going to be careful not to have anymore contact with him. You're right, the suicide threat is very concerning....whether it's real or not, it's a desperate attempt to get a reaction out of me.

[MountainGirl111]

I do think there is an element of truth to his letter. Not all of it but some of I think.

 

I was in an LDR and 3 years in, I was getting tired of being a machine and an ATM for this girl in Thailand. Anyway, some random local girl calls me up during this time and I decided to meet her. Never had sex but did kiss and stuff. After a few weeks, I could sense this local girl had some crazy about her and I was also feeling crappy about the fact I hadn't resolved what was going on with the LDR.

 

Anyway, after a few weeks, I confessed to the Thai girl because I realised I was still in love with her but my ego was low because as I said I was feeling like I had to act as an emotionless machine with her. She was upset about it of course and saw it purely as me cheating. I knew deep down I had never stopped loving her but to her that fact seemed irrelevant or not believable. We did actually get past it in the end and lasted another few years but I think for her, she took me off the pedestal somewhat.

 

Getting back to your ex. My point is that I actually do believe that this new woman is pretty crazy (proven by the fact she contacted you). Sounds like she is clingy and possessive which ultimately will be a big turn off. Meanwhile, you have been stable and drama-free which is attractive behavior. So putting all this together, I do think he values you but as other posters have said, I guess time will tell.

 

I definitely see some similarities between my story and your ex's story. Having a low self-esteem (feeling rejected on some level, justified or not), looking for a way to boost that (i.e. another woman), then having regrets upon realising that isn't the solution, especially when you still "value" the woman you cheated on.

 

Us guys do some dumb things sometimes and a few of us need a wake up call but sadly by then its too late.

 

I could be way off the mark with regards to your ex but as I said, I do see some similarities when I put myself in his shoes. And I definitely did still value the girl I cheated on.

 

This other girl did have a crazed look in her eyes that I didn't like. Venomous. And the tone in her voice. I felt threatened. I don't like it when people look at me that way...it's not a good feeling at all. I've never had a man look at me that way. Only other women have. She's contact me in person and by phone, which means she got that info somewhere; probably from him and who knows what he told her about me.

 

Yikes, this is like deja vu for me because I had a similar experience when I was in college. The other girlfriend I didn't know about shows up at my car as I was leaving the library campus one evening. She approached me, but I didn't know her from Adam, but she knew enough about me to know I was in college and what car I drove. Yep, she was parked right next to my car and was just waiting until I left the library...alarming! She was indeed witch hazel crazy and threatened to commit suicide if I didn't stop seeing "her boyfriend".

 

Why did you feel you had to act like an emotionless machine with your Thai girlfriend?

[MountainGirl111]

Mountain Girl, don't you find the timing suspicious? I mean, does he have ongoing severe mental illness and depression? If so you never made mention of it. This is just him trying to gain control once again.

 

.

 

 

Yes, the timing is suspicious. He has never seemed depressed to me.

[preraph]

You don't want to give him a chance to see you in person. If he shows up at your work, call the police. Meanwhile, get someone to walk you to and from your car, just to be safe. Look, because he's a cheater, I doubt his focus was that strong to go full homicidal on you, but he's acting controlling, so avoid him. do NOT see him to get that stuff back. Don't do it. It's not worth it. I assume you have stuff too, but is it worth it? He's already holding that stuff over your head trying to control when you exchange it. He's very controlling. You have got to either have it done by someone else without you even there or ship it. He's already used a threat of suicide to control you and try to gain access, so he is going to hold onto this stuff as long as possible. Send your dad or brother over there. See if you hear anything back from the police. Ask them what to do to get your stuff. You can send his. They'll probably tell you not to get it.

[MountainGirl111]

The world is full of all types of people. I dont know anything about him except for the info you have provided , so I just draw up conclussions that may or may not be helpful to you . That’s why I stated that he “probably” gets off on the fact that he is being coveted and fought over by 2 people dear to him .

 

Something that hasnt been brought to your attention yet is that the crazy stalker girl probably knows more about you than you may want to know . Your Ex and her hooked up keeping you in the dark . God knows how much info about you he shared . But given the fact that she knows your number and your address I’d say she had access to everything he had about you two .

 

And regarding his suicide threat, how will he even know that you read the letter . You could tell a mutual friend about the letter and tell them you burned it wihtout opening it . I dont think he would follow through on threats , especially wihtout his intended audience .

 

She certainly gained access to my info. I feel so naive. I had no idea he had something else going besides me because he never let on to that and he kept it well hidden I guess...When he and I were together or going out on a date we had good times and he made me feel as though I was very special to him. I just never suspected anything like this. *sigh*. But-I guess it stands to reason that gorgeous men are going to a fair amount of female interest. When will I learn? *sigh*

[preraph]

She certainly gained access to my info. I feel so naive. I had no idea he had something else going besides me because he never let on to that and he kept it well hidden I guess...When he and I were together or going out on a date we had good times and he made me feel as though I was very special to him. I just never suspected anything like this. *sigh*. But-I guess it stands to reason that gorgeous men are going to a fair amount of female interest. When will I learn? *sigh*

 

Yes, but they're not all lying dogs. Some of them will break up with you instead of cheat on you, at least.

[marky00]

Yes, but they're not all lying dogs. Some of them will break up with you instead of cheat on you, at least.

 

In the end, does it really matter? Some people do the slow fade, others ghost u in an instant, everyone checks out of relationships in different ways. Physical cheating (sex with more than one person) is obviously not cool but only because of risking people's health.

 

I think people just focus on cheating because it's something measurable unlike emotions which are just subjective and almost impossible to put into words.

 

I've been cheated on and I have also had others tell me very respectively that they still cared for me (even loved me) but wanted to leave. To be honest, in the long-run, the second scenario didn't make me feel better than the first one. In fact, in some ways it gutted me more because of how well they handled the breakup, I just wanted them more.

 

Also, I'm not seeing how this guy can be described as being "controlling". His behavior looks more like someone who is emotionally fragile (whether that is justified or not, that might be who he is now). I guess his actions do look a little bit controlling but its more a case of finding a sense of control to appease an emotionally fragile state.

 

These two were in a relationship for a while. It's pretty normal to have the post BU dance and the weirdness that comes along with it. Its just that on LS, all the posters here eventually learnt the art of NC after multiple heartbreaks etc. We can't expect everyone off the street to act perfectly post BU. If they were able to do that, the BU probably never would have occurred in the first place.

Edited August 13, 2018 by marky00

[Ralph79]

In the end, does it really matter? Some people do the slow fade, others ghost u in an instant, everyone checks out of relationships in different ways. Physical cheating (sex with more than one person) is obviously not cool but only because of risking people's health.

 

I think people just focus on cheating because it's something measurable unlike emotions which are just subjective and almost impossible to put into words.

 

I've been cheated on and I have also had others tell me very respectively that they still cared for me (even loved me) but wanted to leave. To be honest, in the long-run, the second scenario didn't make me feel better than the first one. In fact, in some ways it gutted me more because of how well they handled the breakup, I just wanted them more.

 

Also, I'm not seeing how this guy can be described as being "controlling". His behavior looks more like someone who is emotionally fragile (whether that is justified or not, that might be who he is now). I guess his actions do look a little bit controlling but its more a case of finding a sense of control to appease an emotionally fragile state.

 

These two were in a relationship for a while. It's pretty normal to have the post BU dance and the weirdness that comes along with it. Its just that on LS, all the posters here eventually learnt the art of NC after multiple heartbreaks etc. We can't expect everyone off the street to act perfectly post BU. If they were able to do that, the BU probably never would have occurred in the first place.

 

The reason he's described as controlling has more to do with the OP's previous descriptions of him in other posts, than this letter.

 

He wants me to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it and won't be flexible around MY schedule.

 

I work and have a very demanding job. He doesn't understand how much it takes out of me sometimes and just expects to jump whenever at his beck and call.

 

As long as he gets his booty call on a regular basis he's pretty easy to be around. If he doesn't get what he wants when he wants it he gets down right cranky. I feel as though "getting along" with him totally hinges on the sex life. And that's wearisome.

 

Tell me , do these comments not describe a controlling person?

 

On a different note, I'm detecting a pattern in the type of men you chose to have long term relationships with MountainGirl111:

 

Looking at info from your previous 5 year LTR

From Thread "Is He Really Cheating, Or Am I Just Jealous?":

 

"I'm not usually that attracted to super good looking men...and he IS."

"He is so attractive that everywhere we go and whenever we go out and do things together he draws attention from so many females...it really begins to annoy me."

"It doesn't help that he notices he's getting noticed and he seems to really dig it and often makes eye contact with these various females and smiles at them and stuff."

"Then the other day I caught him texting with a lady friend and it was really flirtatious and he's known her for awhile and they've gone out to lunch together and stuff. "

"He's going to do what he's going to do and the day may come when one of his flirtations turns into to something more..."

"I'll tell ya one thing, when he automatically defaults to "You're just insecure"...I feel so blown off as if my concerns don't matter. And, in the end, that just hurts me and makes me feel unloved. Really. "

" I am SO SICK of feeling like a second class citizen. Just sick of it. Because that is how I feel sometimes with him. "

"I really think he is a narcissist."

"He's a very sexual person and I will admit he has had a sexual hold on me."

 

You are basically describing the same guy. I have very little info on your ex-Husband but it wouldn't surprise me if they all made you feel the same way.

 

There is nothing wrong with dating good looking men. But what's important is to assert yourself from the start. Don't let physical attraction outweigh your sense of self worth.

 

You have understand that the qualities you look for in men come with consequences:

 

A good looking guy is going to be coveted by others. You've seen this first hand. But it's his reaction to those advances that will tell you weather or not he respects you and the relationship.

 

A guy who is confident usually means he is used to getting his way. But if he makes time for you and listens to you means he sees you as an equal.

 

To summarize, know that all the "hard to come by" qualities in someone come with a price. Everything in life usually does. The key is finding out if that price is not too high.

 

Nothing is worth giving up your self respect.

[MountainGirl111]

I only dated my recent ex for 5+ months. Not long term. He was really nice in the beginning so I let him in thinking it would be a good thing and there was a good degree of physical attraction too as the sparks really flew. As the relationship progressed it was only then that he seemed to change and put so much pressure on me with our sex life and became grouchy when he didn't get sex when he wanted it. It was a high priority for him no doubt.

 

Yes, pregraph you're right. I know all men aren't cheaters. Some will be honest and recognize when you aren't sexually compatible and call it quits. He wanted sex more often than I did. I don't think people should feel coerced into having sex. That just feels wrong and the first time that happened I should have done something about it instead of going along and not asserting my needs better. Lesson learned.

[MountainGirl111]

The reason he's described as controlling has more to do with the OP's previous descriptions of him in other posts, than this letter.

 

 

Tell me , do these comments not describe a controlling person?

 

On a different note, I'm detecting a pattern in the type of men you chose to have long term relationships with MountainGirl111:

 

You are basically describing the same guy. I have very little info on your ex-Husband but it wouldn't surprise me if they all made you feel the same way.

 

There is nothing wrong with dating good looking men. But what's important is to assert yourself from the start. Don't let physical attraction outweigh your sense of self worth.

 

You have understand that the qualities you look for in men come with consequences:

 

A good looking guy is going to be coveted by others. You've seen this first hand. But it's his reaction to those advances that will tell you weather or not he respects you and the relationship.

 

A guy who is confident usually means he is used to getting his way. But if he makes time for you and listens to you means he sees you as an equal.

 

To summarize, know that all the "hard to come by" qualities in someone come with a price. Everything in life usually does. The key is finding out if that price is not too high.

 

Nothing is worth giving up your self respect.

 

Thank you Ralph. Yes he did become controlling. He definitely wanted to steer the ship regarding sex. And that became a big problem for me. I really bothered me. It's possible we were just sexually incompatible. When one partner wants sex more often than the other that can be a problem. When one partner feels rejected simply because the other is not in the mood that can become a problem. He actually took it as a personal rejection...even though I tried to explain to him over and over again that it WASN'T rejection...I simply wasn't in the mood...then he accused me of cheating on him and came to a conclusion that I must of been having sex with someone else which is why I didn't want to have sex with him every time he wanted to.

 

Yes I know good looking men are going to come with females who would love to have them too. I honestly didn't see any red flags with this one at first. It wasn't until we got into the relationship more and sexual incompatibility became an issue. And it seemed to me that the more emphasis he placed on our sex life the LESS he became attentive and supportive about other aspects of the relationship.

 

Yes I know how confident people tick because I tend to be that way myself. So, when two people are like that there can be a clash of wills.

Edited August 13, 2018 by MountainGirl111