It's Over

[MountainGirl111]

Well peeps. I recently broke up with my most recent BF. It needed to happen, but I'm still sore about it. Different dynamics led up to it. He wanted our relationship to be sexually exclusive, but he ended up sleeping with someone else and I caught him at it. He said he did it because he felt rejected by me too many times when he wanted to have sex and I wasn't in the mood or couldn't get together with him exactly when he wanted. Well, I'm sorry, I can't just drop what I'm doing and have sex any old time. It doesn't work that way with me. And so, he started accusing me of having sex with someone else; like that was the reason I wasn't in the mood when he was. He was SO cranky when we didn't have sex enough for him. It got to be the only time he was PLEASANT to be around was after sex. So, then I was motivated at times to just have sex so he would be nicer to be around and quit bugging me about it. He also got to where he would relentlessly coerce me into having sex and put a guilt trip on me. Talk about PRESSURE. I have enough pressure in my life, thank you. I didn't need any MORE pressure. Geez.

[ThreeRainbows]

Well peeps. I recently broke up with my most recent BF. It needed to happen, but I'm still sore about it. Different dynamics led up to it. He wanted our relationship to be sexually exclusive, but he ended up sleeping with someone else and I caught him at it. He said he did it because he felt rejected by me too many times when he wanted to have sex and I wasn't in the mood or couldn't get together with him exactly when he wanted. Well, I'm sorry, I can't just drop what I'm doing and have sex any old time. It doesn't work that way with me. And so, he started accusing me of having sex with someone else; like that was the reason I wasn't in the mood when he was. He was SO cranky when we didn't have sex enough for him. It got to be the only time he was PLEASANT to be around was after sex. So, then I was motivated at times to just have sex so he would be nicer to be around and quit bugging me about it. He also got to where he would relentlessly coerce me into having sex and put a guilt trip on me. Talk about PRESSURE. I have enough pressure in my life, thank you. I didn't need any MORE pressure. Geez.

 

 

Good for you! Amazing he tried to blame you for his cheating. Typical narcissist behavior.

 

 

He wasn't capable of love. I am betting if you stopped sex entirely, he would have broken up with you so fast. That's what happened with my ex-bf. I asked to slow down because it felt like it was all about sex - and he's gone. Poof.

 

 

 

This was all about him.

[preraph]

I'm sorry you're going through it, but he's a selfish spoiled child, and nobody needs that. Sex is all he cares about. Good riddance. Hope you find a nice balanced guy next time who respects that women aren't just sex dolls you can wind up anytime you feel like it.

[MountainGirl111]

Thx.

 

Just prior to the break up....well, I found out about him sleeping with someone else in a rather dramatic fashion. From her. Yeah. Deja vu. This has happened to me before, which is why I detest love triangles. I don't need anymore drama in my life.

 

She showed up to my house one day and I didn't know who she was, but I answered the door and the first thing out of her mouth was, "I've been having sex with your boyfriend." My mouth dropped open and my stomach did a somersault and I started feeling a little short of breath. I couldn't believe it! After he made a bit of a big deal about wanting to be sexually exclusive and he had accused me of sleeping around on him when I wasn't. I said to her, "Who are you?" She told me her name. and then she gave me this look like if looks could kill....He never mentioned her to me....this was totally new and out of left field. No way did I invite her into my house. I just shut the door in her face and locked it.

 

I tried to calm down for awhile.....Then I called him and asked him if it was true and of course he couldn't deny it. He admitted it was true. He started to explain and defend himself...I listened to that for a little bit and then just hung up on him. He tried calling me right back, but I wouldn't answer.

 

A few days later he saw me at the gym and I tried to avoid him, but he intercepted me and started talking to me. I said, "I don't want to talk."

 

He said, "Well, I have some things I need to say...."

 

I responded: "I'm not interested. Leave me alone."

 

He grabbed my arm when I started to walk by him. I tried to pull away but he had me in a tight grip. I said, "Let go of my arm." He wouldn't at first. I said, "Get your hands off me now or you will find yourself in deep doo doo and don't think I don't know how to get you there!" Then I jerked my arm free and walked off. It left bruising.

Edited August 4, 2018 by MountainGirl111

[MountainGirl111]

Good for you! Amazing he tried to blame you for his cheating. Typical narcissist behavior.

 

 

He wasn't capable of love. I am betting if you stopped sex entirely, he would have broken up with you so fast. That's what happened with my ex-bf. I asked to slow down because it felt like it was all about sex - and he's gone. Poof.

 

 

 

This was all about him.

 

Yes I do believe he would have broke up pronto if I stopped being available enough for sex. He made it clear and was kind of impatient about it too. The thing is he did have a high sex drive, I think and he is very good looking and buff and all that jazz, and he would have no problem getting other women in the sack. I hope I've learned a valuable LESSON from this. No matter how much someone pressures you to have sex, you don't have to if you don't want to. No, he didn't RAPE me, but he did coerce me and used guilt trips as well as threatening to break up if he didn't get his needs met. He wanted everything done on his timeline with very little consideration for my timelines. I don't know how the other girl knew where I lived, but he must have told her about me and it's creepy she showed up at my house like that. But this has happened to me before and I hated it. It's really creepy.

[spiderowl]

Your ex not only pressured you but literally brought trouble to your door too. Why should anyone have to cope with another girl turning up at their door and saying such things?

 

Your ex is not entitled to you. He needs to learn he's going to have to treat women better than this. He sounds very selfish. If it was purely a difference in sex drive, he would not have pressured you, he would have realised the difference and made a decision as to whether you two were compatible or not. Instead, he just slept with other women.

 

I hope the next guy you find is more caring and trustworthy. Those are qualities well worth looking out for in a guy. People can usually only fake them for a short while.

[MountainGirl111]

Your ex not only pressured you but literally brought trouble to your door too. Why should anyone have to cope with another girl turning up at their door and saying such things?

 

Your ex is not entitled to you. He needs to learn he's going to have to treat women better than this. He sounds very selfish. If it was purely a difference in sex drive, he would not have pressured you, he would have realised the difference and made a decision as to whether you two were compatible or not. Instead, he just slept with other women.

 

I hope the next guy you find is more caring and trustworthy. Those are qualities well worth looking out for in a guy. People can usually only fake them for a short while.

 

Her showing up in my neighborhood on my doorstep...what can I say? It brings new meaning to the concept of "catty women". But it was truly creepy. The way she looked at me! Many men just do not get it because the women are not catty with them. They are catty with other women. It's a different side they see than what we see. I don't think I'm a catty person. I learned early in life how to get along with other females. And I learned early in life I don't like competing for men. Complete waste of time and energy. My philosophy has always been: Be yourself. Be genuine. If a man is into you he's into you and you'll likely know it and it's futile to try too hard. Other women can be so mean. It's refreshing when you interact with a woman who is actually kind.

 

Going forward: It will be refreshing to interact with men who are interested in my inner being moreso than my body. When I first started dating him, that's what I thought. But as things progressed to physical intimacy it changed. He no longer seem to care about my opinion on things. He made it very clear he like my body type, which at first I took as positive. But as it went along....it seemed like the emphasis shifted too much in that direction. Well, apparently there are other women he can get his needs met with, so there it is.

[preraph]

Cheaters always thinks their partner is cheating too because in their mind if they think they can get away from it and have a good opportunity they would not consider passing that up, so they think women get opportunities all the time and some of them still think women think like men, so they assume that if they get an opportunity they'll take it if they can't get caught. Some of them just can't conceive of a woman with some character whose first priority isn't sex. They project themselves onto you.

 

I've been in a few scenes myself. I sympathize.

[MountainGirl111]

Cheaters always thinks their partner is cheating too because in their mind if they think they can get away from it and have a good opportunity they would not consider passing that up, so they think women get opportunities all the time and some of them still think women think like men, so they assume that if they get an opportunity they'll take it if they can't get caught. Some of them just can't conceive of a woman with some character whose first priority isn't sex. They project themselves onto you.

 

I've been in a few scenes myself. I sympathize.

 

Thx preraph. Oh yeah he was totally projecting onto me. In hindsight I see that. Man, I just feel like I got took over by a sneaker wave. I've been through something similar before: Girlfriend shows up and introduces herself to me and I had no IDEA she existed and proceeds to threaten to commit suicide if I don't stop seeing "her boyfriend". I had NO IDEA he had another girlfriend when we started dating or I would have never gone out with him! Scary and creepy.

 

So, he's been trying to get a hold of me, I found out through a third party at the gym. Okay...now I'm either going to have to change gyms or go at a time of day when I know he doesn't go and that doesn't fit in very well with my work schedule. It would probably be better if I just changed gyms. I don't want to run into him or have anything to do with him. Some of my other friends at the gym are concerned about me. He apparently is not taking this well. Well, there's nothing I can do about that. When he grabbed my arm that day and I had bruises left over from it, it was like a warning to me. Here's a guy who has not respect for women, that I know of. I don't want to end up the subject matter for another Ann Rule book! JK

[MountainGirl111]

Update: OMG. ... This is unbelievable... she called me a few hours ago. I don't know how she got my number...and I didn't recognize her number, so I answered the phone like I normally would. She said, "This is so and so and I need you to leave him alone. I've been sleeping with _____ for a while and he's amazing and our love is amazing. It just took him a long to time to realize he just wants to be with me. So, leave him alone. He's mine."

 

It was the same girl that showed up to my house recently! I can't believe this. This is worse than I ever thought possible. I don't know what to do. I'm blocking her number for sure. He and I are broke up now and I have stayed away. Haven't called him, texted him, emailed him, nothing. Why would she call me like that?

 

I was going to just hang up on her, but I said as calmly as I could that he and I are broke up and I haven't been in any contact with him, so she needn't worry about me. And I added, "Don't call me again and don't show up at my house."

Edited August 7, 2018 by MountainGirl111

[brigit87]

Update: OMG. ... This is unbelievable... she called me a few hours ago. I don't know how she got my number...and I didn't recognize her number, so I answered the phone like I normally would. She said, "This is so and so and I need you to leave him alone. I've been sleeping with _____ for a while and he's amazing and our love is amazing. It just took him a long to time to realize he just wants to be with me. So, leave him alone. He's mine."

 

It was the same girl that showed up to my house recently! I can't believe this. This is worse than I ever thought possible. I don't know what to do. I'm blocking her number for sure. He and I are broke up now and I have stayed away. Haven't called him, texted him, emailed him, nothing. Why would she call me like that?

 

I was going to just hang up on her, but I said as calmly as I could that he and I are broke up and I haven't been in any contact with him, so she needn't worry about me. And I added, "Don't call me again and don't show up at my house."

 

Tell the police. And don't answer your phone anymore if you don't recognize the number.

[FMW]

I've never understood a woman contacting another woman in these situations, regardless of which side they were on. But at least the initial confrontation clued you in to what he was up to.

 

Be careful, they both sound a little unbalanced. Hopefully they'll both leave you alone going forward.

[OatsAndHall]

Tell the police. And don't answer your phone anymore if you don't recognize the number.

 

 

Yup, you need to keep yourself safe.. Given that phone call and the bruise he left on your arm, a call to the cops is certainly warranted. This situation escalated from a bad one to a potentially dangerous one.

 

 

 

One phone call from the police to this woman or your ex will put the breaks on the situation in a hurry. Many people think they're free to act however they please until the law steps in and tells them to knock it off.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

He was SO cranky when we didn't have sex enough for him. It got to be the only time he was PLEASANT to be around was after sex. So, then I was motivated at times to just have sex so he would be nicer to be around and quit bugging me about it. He also got to where he would relentlessly coerce me into having sex and put a guilt trip on me. Talk about PRESSURE.

 

I was married to this person for 14 years, so I get it. It is not loving and it is not respectful. At all. It makes a woman dissolve into a puddle of insecurity and feeling like all she's good for is her physical body. It feels awful.

 

I just spent 6 days with a man who is the complete opposite of this. He loves me for who I am as a person and not what I can provide from between my legs. I unexpectedly got my period 2 weeks early at the beginning of our (first) vacation together and I was initially pretty stressed out about it, having been conditioned by my ex-husband that "no sex" was a total deal breaker to being treated lovingly and with respect. We were both disappointed for sure, but he did not treat me any differently than if we'd been having crazy sex the whole vacation. We had a fun time together, great conversation, and intimate cuddling before bed . This is the true mark of a man who respects a woman .

 

When I look back at what I put up with regarding this issue with my ex-husband I cringe. It wasn't the only way he emotionally abused and disrespected me, but it was a huge one that left a mark on my psyche. You have absolutely done the right thing in ending this relationship with this man.

[MountainGirl111]

I've never understood a woman contacting another woman in these situations, regardless of which side they were on.

.

 

I know, right?! Me neither. Bad form. Possibly unbalanced.

[MountainGirl111]

Yup, you need to keep yourself safe.. Given that phone call and the bruise he left on your arm, a call to the cops is certainly warranted. This situation escalated from a bad one to a potentially dangerous one.

 

 

 

One phone call from the police to this woman or your ex will put the breaks on the situation in a hurry. Many people think they're free to act however they please until the law steps in and tells them to knock it off.

 

I usually handle conflict fairly well and stay pretty calm. This has rattled my cage. He sent me a text the other night before I blocked him saying how he doesn't really love her, he loves me and how she started pursuing him and she wouldn't take no for an answer and he was feeling lonely the first time they got together because I was working overtime. And it went on and on...."please give us another chance. I didn't know she would show up at your house like that. She's crazy.....etc, etc. I was going to put a stop to things with her but I didn't want her to totally flip out and I didn't know what to do.......etc, etc.". It made me nauseous. Still debating whether I should call the cops.

[MountainGirl111]

I was married to this person for 14 years, so I get it. It is not loving and it is not respectful. At all. It makes a woman dissolve into a puddle of insecurity and feeling like all she's good for is her physical body. It feels awful.

 

I just spent 6 days with a man who is the complete opposite of this. He loves me for who I am as a person and not what I can provide from between my legs. I unexpectedly got my period 2 weeks early at the beginning of our (first) vacation together and I was initially pretty stressed out about it, having been conditioned by my ex-husband that "no sex" was a total deal breaker to being treated lovingly and with respect. We were both disappointed for sure, but he did not treat me any differently than if we'd been having crazy sex the whole vacation. We had a fun time together, great conversation, and intimate cuddling before bed . This is the true mark of a man who respects a woman .

 

When I look back at what I put up with regarding this issue with my ex-husband I cringe. It wasn't the only way he emotionally abused and disrespected me, but it was a huge one that left a mark on my psyche. You have absolutely done the right thing in ending this relationship with this man.

 

Thx for your support and understanding. I'm glad you had a good time with your new man. I don't know where I went wrong with this one...my picker must be off. He was so nice at first.

[Lotsgoingon]

Congratulations on the big move, MountainGirl111.

 

That story about the woman showing up at your door is crazy ... and/but ... I've heard stories like this a number of times ... And I never considered before your idea that guys like me don't see a certain catty side of women.

 

One of my exes had a woman show up to her door to say I'm sleeping with your husband. BTW: my ex later finds out that he had been cheating since the git-go with a lot of women--not just with this woman, who he later married.

 

I gotta admit: I'm shocked ... by the number of times the other woman shows up ... and the woman being visited/stalked ... goes to guy ... asks him about this report ... gets a lame, pro forma denial ... and then believes the guy's denial and stays in relationship with him! ... And then it happens again ... same woman calls the gf ... sometimes escalating with crudeness ...

 

Great job to get out ... Some guys are really good, charismatic--even reassuring--liars--and they string their partners along through a trail of misery.

[MountainGirl111]

.. And I never considered before your idea that guys like me don't see a certain catty side of women.

.

 

We learn something new everyday, eh? Seriously, this new girlfriend of his maybe be beyond simple cattiness...that's possible....or she has taken cattiness to a different level. She's obsessed with him. The first time something like this happened to me I was a lot younger and it did more than rattle my cage. I got royally screwed over big time. So this time around, there is less messing around with it and with him. I don't want a guy who can't keep his pants zipped up while I work my fanny off. That's the breaks in life sometimes.

[MountainGirl111]

Well, I blocked the ex on everything I could possibly block him on. But he sent me a letter via snail mail and stupidly I read it. I should have ripped it up and thrown it away because it upsets me!! I haven't been sleeping all that great all week long; maybe 4-6 hours a night because I just haven't been able to settle my thoughts down.

 

In the letter he told me he cut the other girl off and she didn't take it well and still wouldn't leave him alone. He explained the things that led up to his starting a relationship with her in his manner of explaining and he wrote that if I didn't believe a word he said he wouldn't blame me. He said he blames himself and he should have been stronger and stayed true to me. He said he doesn't expect me to ever take him back, but he just needed to let me know how he really feels about me. He said he's never loved any girl like he loves me. He just had a moment of weakness where I was working extra and he assumed I was carrying on with some guy at work. (I've never done anything of the sort!) Then he waxed poetic telling me all the reasons he fell in love with me and the characteristics about me he loves so much. He said he will love me forever, even if I choose to never see him again. He said he would still go on loving me and that his love for me will never die. But he also said he would understand if I didn't believe a single thing he wrote as if a person lies to once you never know what to believe after that. It will always cause doubts. He said she is not anywhere near the woman I am and he doesn't love her. She was just "there" when I wasn't and he was feeling bad missing me.

 

He went on and on in the letter, but the last part is what really upsets me. He said he got a new prescription for an anti-depressant this week and he was going to overdose on it. Alarm bells are going off! He hurt me, but I don't want him to kill himself. I don't know what to do. This is WAY too much drama here. I can't keep doing this.

[Ralph79]

In the letter he told me he cut the other girl off and she didn't take it well and still wouldn't leave him alone.

She's still there.

He explained the things that led up to his starting a relationship with her in his manner of explaining

There are many ways to deal with issues in a relationship. There is no acceptable excuse for choosing to cheat to address an issue.

if I didn't believe a word he said he wouldn't blame me.

Until the next letter, or attempt at winning you back.

He said he blames himself and he should have been stronger and stayed true to me.

He blames himself, but justifies his actions by the circumstances that were supposedly out of his control, thus circumventing his accountability.

He said he doesn't expect me to ever take him back,

He totally does.

he just needed to let me know how he really feels about me. He said he's never loved any girl like he loves me.

He might love you . But definitely doesn't respect you.

He just had a moment of weakness where I was working extra and he assumed I was carrying on with some guy at work. (I've never done anything of the sort!)

No accountability whatsoever. In reality he think's it's both your fault he cheated.

Then he waxed poetic telling me all the reasons he fell in love with me and the characteristics about me he loves so much. He said he will love me forever, even if I choose to never see him again.

Like I said earlier. He expects you back. He knows which buttons to push and which strings to pull.

He said he would still go on loving me and that his love for me will never die. But he also said he would understand if I didn't believe a single thing he wrote as if a person lies to once you never know what to believe after that.

He's telling you what he knows you want to hear.

He said she is not anywhere near the woman I am and he doesn't love her. She was just "there" when I wasn't and he was feeling bad missing me.

At this point, I would've kept myself from bringing that crazy woman up again, but oh well, it's his letter.

He said he got a new prescription for an anti-depressant this week and he was going to overdose on it. Alarm bells are going off! He hurt me, but I don't want him to kill himself. I don't know what to do. This is WAY too much drama here. I can't keep doing this.

You know this person: (I pulled up info from your recent posts, I'm assuming it's the same guy, I apologize if it isn't).

He is inconsiderate of me.

He only wants to talk about himself and what he's up to.

...he's a hotty...

 

Does he strike you like the kind of man who would kill himself over someone else? Or is it more likely that this is a stunt he's playing?

 

Either way, what's important is how you feel about all this. I could even tell you that it's possible to get your relationship back on track. But this has to be his true breaking point. If he wants to get back to you, and if you want him to EVER respect you, the only chance you have at a future with his is to make him hit rock bottom. You can't let him off the hook easy and give him a chance within days. He has to EARN your trust again. If he truly cares about you, he should be able to give you a few months to think things over. If in that time he hooks up with other girls, then you won't have to worry about him anymore.

[MountainGirl111]

Thx Ralph. Oh god oh god...I know you're trying to talk me off this ledge I feel like I'm on and it's good to get someone else's perspective who isn't remotely involved. I went to the gym to workout this morning because I know he usually goes in the evenings. I ran into a guy there that I've known for a long time who is a good friend and very straight arrow. He asked about me and how me and BF are doing and I told him we broke up and I also told him about some of the things that have happened. He is federal probation officer and he told me I should contact the cops and stuff. I don't want to do that though because I feel it might just stir the pot even more. But I do trust this guy's judgment and advice it's just I've never been faced with this before and I don't know what to do. Maybe I should do nothing and see if it all blows over. I shouldn't have read that letter. It just upset me. I shouldn't have read it. I feel so weak.

[FMW]

Ralph nailed it. 'nuff said.

[ThreeRainbows]

You are most certainly not weak.

 

 

You know how many girls would be trying to fight for his affection with that other girl?

 

 

Not you. You clearly have self-respect. That is why, right now, he is desperate to get you back. Key words: right now.

 

 

In his mind, he probably has a mixture of expecting you to come back, and regretting his actions. But is this rock bottom? Probably not, by the sound of his letter (not enough accountability taking).

 

 

Make him wait. Don't do anything right now. That's what he wants: right now. You are not impulsive like him, however. You can take your time to figure out if he really means what he says. Chances are, he doesn't. If he's willing to wait months for you, and work on his growth during that time, then maybe he's worth a second chance. If he isn't, then you've got your answer.

[MountainGirl111]

Either way, what's important is how you feel about all this. I could even tell you that it's possible to get your relationship back on track. But this has to be his true breaking point. If he wants to get back to you, and if you want him to EVER respect you, the only chance you have at a future with his is to make him hit rock bottom. You can't let him off the hook easy and give him a chance within days. He has to EARN your trust again. If he truly cares about you, he should be able to give you a few months to think things over. If in that time he hooks up with other girls, then you won't have to worry about him anymore.

 

Thanks again Ralph. I just read this again and it's sinking in better. You're right. If he cares he'll wait and give it time and waiting takes patience. He's not a very patient person, so I have no idea if he would be willing to give it time. No idea. My gut feel tells me he is impulsive and has a hard time saying no when tempted. ...but he stressed he wanted it to be sexually exclusive...he assumed I wasn't just working while at work...and he used that as an excuse to justify what he did...I just can't be with someone I can't trust. No, he doesn't respect me and he doesn't respect what I do for a living. Sometimes I wonder if that bothers me more than him sleeping with someone else.