Why the doubt? **Updated**

[Versacehottie]

No. It wouldn't solve anything. The closed, uncommunicative side to him has me on the look out for danger however and makes me read things into things I might not otherwise for lack of any other info.

 

It's really a frustration I have with most men. Why can't they just TALK. They can't expect people to read minds. Someone who closes off is asking for problems in the relationship, hands down.

 

So honestly (thanks to the moderators for merging all the threads) i think when you see the context of everything, there is a LOT going on for just one month essentially. A lot of drama. It seems like maybe one or both of you are "settling" due to being in a small town and a bit older, but both of your coping skills are kind of immature.

 

And it does seem like you did say something about being "mentioned" and he is being stubborn/not going to do it. Again, with the added context, I would say yes he sees it as nagging (right or wrong, he seems like he sees it that way); it's been a month and there have been a lot of issues and dramatic breakups so maybe he does not feel like the relationship is secure where he feels the need to explain it or mention it to anyone. It would be a little embarrassing in a small town to additionally explain the back and forth etc. I would say "it's been a month!" what do you want from the guy! That's too soon for a lot of people.

 

I agree with lotsgoingon that you seem like you are looking for an outward sign (telling others that you are in a relationship) which won't change the real fact that your communication with each other is lacking and will remain so without proactive steps--ie it doesn't matter if the whole town knows that you are dating when you still have inherent problems as a couple. Anyway i do not think you are being entirely reasonable & I also think you could be hanging onto something with him that doesn't warrant hanging onto. Good luck

[Fair]

So honestly (thanks to the moderators for merging all the threads) i think when you see the context of everything, there is a LOT going on for just one month essentially. A lot of drama. It seems like maybe one or both of you are "settling" due to being in a small town and a bit older, but both of your coping skills are kind of immature.

 

And it does seem like you did say something about being "mentioned" and he is being stubborn/not going to do it. Again, with the added context, I would say yes he sees it as nagging (right or wrong, he seems like he sees it that way); it's been a month and there have been a lot of issues and dramatic breakups so maybe he does not feel like the relationship is secure where he feels the need to explain it or mention it to anyone. It would be a little embarrassing in a small town to additionally explain the back and forth etc. I would say "it's been a month!" what do you want from the guy! That's too soon for a lot of people.

 

I agree with lotsgoingon that you seem like you are looking for an outward sign (telling others that you are in a relationship) which won't change the real fact that your communication with each other is lacking and will remain so without proactive steps--ie it doesn't matter if the whole town knows that you are dating when you still have inherent problems as a couple. Anyway i do not think you are being entirely reasonable & I also think you could be hanging onto something with him that doesn't warrant hanging onto. Good luck

 

This makes sense though it seems a bit harsh. I have needs that aren't being met and he's showing what seems to be passive aggressive behaviour in making sure they aren't. I don't care how soon into the relationship it is because the newer the relationship the more fragile. It's when hard work is required to earn the trust and confidence of your new partner. And he's not giving anything. I know the relationship is doomed. It is for me if he doesn't step up his game.

 

We have problems definitely, and he's not even willing to discuss them. I think it is 'settling' for both of us although I could be happy with him if he was in this with both feet.

[Versacehottie]

This makes sense though it seems a bit harsh. I have needs that aren't being met and he's showing what seems to be passive aggressive behaviour in making sure they aren't. I don't care how soon into the relationship it is because the newer the relationship the more fragile. It's when hard work is required to earn the trust and confidence of your new partner. And he's not giving anything. I know the relationship is doomed. It is for me if he doesn't step up his game.

 

We have problems definitely, and he's not even willing to discuss them. I think it is 'settling' for both of us although I could be happy with him if he was in this with both feet.

 

Sorry if you think what i wrote was harsh. I really think it was just reflecting the facts that are now all in one place but of course respect what you have said as well.

 

So then based on your post above, i will just reflect back to you what you wrote like a reasonable (not emotionally involved) person would be weighing her options: if he doesn't and cannot meet your needs, especially in this short amount of time, then why stay with him. Why force something that should not be? If he copes with things, as you said passive aggressively, don't you have enough information that he is not for you--again why force something that should not be? The burden of deciding when something doesn't "work for you" is on you and that alone should make you feel more empowered and less anxious. Rather than wishing this person would do this in ways that you deem acceptable. He is showing you who he is and your compatibility with each other. It's your job for yourself to "see" it and act on it in the way you can, i.e. not try to wish things were different or change the person but do what is in your power to change, such as your own communication with him, compromising in reasonable ways and/or leaving the relationship.

 

You are not powerless in this situation. And you have consented to be in this relationship and this is what it is like. You have choices. Again, good luck

[BaileyB]

I don't care how soon into the relationship it is because the newer the relationship the more fragile. It's when hard work is required to earn the trust and confidence of your new partner.

 

Sure. A new relationship takes work to earn the trust and confidence of your new partner... BUT - it should be fairly effortless. It should be FUN! It is exciting to get to know someone new, it's fun to share new experiences, there should be a lot of talking, and sharing, and laughing... And eventually sex! If anything, this is the time in a relationship when both partners should be highly motivated to put the work in - to get to know the other person, to build a common foundation, to develop that trust... If he is not doing this in your relationship, THIS is why I think this relationship is doomed.

 

Relationships should not be this much work. Especially new relationships.

[ExpatInItaly]

And this is exactly why your guy doesn't tell anyone he is dating you. He likely knows it's a matter of time before you break things off with him. No reason to tell friends and family about a girl that is already planning on leaving.

 

Yes, precisely.

 

OP, he doesn't have much faith in you that you won't leave. Heck, you two already essentially broke up a few weeks back.

 

You have unrealistic expectations so early on and for something that's proved to be rather shaky already, from my point of view.

[Fair]

Sure. A new relationship takes work to earn the trust and confidence of your new partner... BUT - it should be fairly effortless. It should be FUN! It is exciting to get to know someone new, it's fun to share new experiences, there should be a lot of talking, and sharing, and laughing... And eventually sex! If anything, this is the time in a relationship when both partners should be highly motivated to put the work in - to get to know the other person, to build a common foundation, to develop that trust... If he is not doing this in your relationship, THIS is why I think this relationship is doomed.

 

Relationships should not be this much work. Especially new relationships.

 

He's been distancing himself more and more. This morning he told me he thinks we should take a break to think about this... and all of what you just said came to mind. It's a new relationship and he wants a break. What guy does that to a brand new girlfriend? It's bull----.

 

He said he's been a bachelor for so long he's set in his ways and so he's been having a hard time adjusting. I just don't believe any man decides he's 'set in his ways' when he's truly interested in a woman. I've been a bachelorette for a long time, but when I met him I wanted to be with him not have more 'space' … If anyone should be set in their ways it should be me. But when I meet someone I like that turns out not to be the case.

Edited August 29, 2018 by Fair

[Dis]

First off (and unrelated to this thread) LOVESHACK is back up!!! Woot woot!!! So happy to see everyone still here!!! Yay!!!

 

Ok, enough of that...

 

Fair I'm glad to see you're dating someone after the hellish experience of OLD

 

Perspective is really everything when it comes to dating and I think you seem to really have your guard up, like you're too scared to let him in. You're already assuming negative things about him and you've only just begun. Try to relax a little. At least give things a chance because he could really surprise you. And if he doesn't? The world will not end.

 

I totally understand how hard it is to trust someone, I really, really do. But if you don't at least try (as long as there's no reason not to) then you'll never experience what you truly want. It's such hard work to rewire the brain once we've experienced things we wished we hadn't. But the effort it worth it when you find the right person and you won't know if he's right for you or not if you don't try to let him in.

 

Of course use common sense in all this. Don't ignore any red flags.

 

As a side note, my bf isn't stellar at talking about emotions and all that jazz. I don't think a lot of guys are. As long as you can find a middle ground when resolving problems, that's what counts

 

Keep us posted

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sure if things were going great he wouldn't want a break but with the way things have been, this is likely a typical break up where any old BS excuse is given to make it happen.

 

No relationship should be this much work, especially at the beginning. Evidently, you guys just do not mesh well together.

 

Yes, I have to agree.

 

I'm sorry, OP. It seems this isn't a match and it's met its end.

[Dis]

He's been distancing himself more and more. This morning he told me he thinks we should take a break to think about this... and all of what you just said came to mind. It's a new relationship and he wants a break. What guy does that to a brand new girlfriend? It's bull----.

 

He said he's been a bachelor for so long he's set in his ways and so he's been having a hard time adjusting. I just don't believe any man decides he's 'set in his ways' when he's truly interested in a woman. I've been a bachelorette for a long time, but when I met him I wanted to be with him not have more 'space' … If anyone should be set in their ways it should be me. But when I meet someone I like that turns out not to be the case.

 

My apologies, Fair. I didn't see this

 

I don't believe in breaks. A relationship either works or it doesn't. A break won't change that.

 

Plus it's so early on and he already wants a break?

 

Ya you guys aren't meshing. It shouldn't be an uphill battle this early on.

 

It's sad this didn't work out but please don't be disheartened. We have to kiss lots of frogs until we find our prince.

 

Keep your chin up *hugs*

[Fair]

My apologies, Fair. I didn't see this

 

I don't believe in breaks. A relationship either works or it doesn't. A break won't change that.

 

Plus it's so early on and he already wants a break?

 

Ya you guys aren't meshing. It shouldn't be an uphill battle this early on.

 

It's sad this didn't work out but please don't be disheartened. We have to kiss lots of frogs until we find our prince.

 

Keep your chin up *hugs*

 

His 'break' didn't last any time at all. He left on a Wed. morning and was back Friday at noon. Said we were fighting too much and he thought it best to leave until it blew over, now. Meanwhile, he let me think he might never come back.

 

I swear, my head is spinning with this guy. But we're still together, for good or for ill.

[Dis]

His 'break' didn't last any time at all. He left on a Wed. morning and was back Friday at noon. Said we were fighting too much and he thought it best to leave until it blew over, now. Meanwhile, he let me think he might never come back.

 

I swear, my head is spinning with this guy. But we're still together, for good or for ill.

 

Ehhhh

 

This is kind of a topsy turvy relationship, Fair

 

It's not healthy to leave someone on read like he did. Why settle for that?

 

It shouldn't be this hard early on.

 

Breaks don't improve anything, really. If a relationship (especially this early on) can't survive without a break, what does that say about the sustainability of the relationship long term?

 

Is there a reason why you're choosing to stay on this roller coaster instead of moving onto something more healthy? Are you concerned with how this is going to impact your anxiety?

 

Surely there's a better fit for you out there

[ExpatInItaly]

I would just end this altogether, OP. You two have barely been together a month and there have already been a couple of upheavals that nearly ended the relationship.

 

Relationships that are so turbulent from the start don't last. They just drag on, inflicting a lot of emotional pain, until one party loses interest in making it work and leaves for good.

[Fair]

Ehhhh

 

This is kind of a topsy turvy relationship, Fair

 

It's not healthy to leave someone on read like he did. Why settle for that?

 

It shouldn't be this hard early on.

 

Breaks don't improve anything, really. If a relationship (especially this early on) can't survive without a break, what does that say about the sustainability of the relationship long term?

 

Is there a reason why you're choosing to stay on this roller coaster instead of moving onto something more healthy? Are you concerned with how this is going to impact your anxiety?

 

Surely there's a better fit for you out there

 

I'm trying now not to overthink it. The bigger picture is that he's been a bachelor for so long, has ED, has lost his dad and is now fighting with his siblings over his dad's will, has other health issues that are worrying him... has an elderly, sick mother he feels responsible for etc. etc. etc.

 

I don't think we'll ever end up walking down the aisle what with how difficult it's been... but I too am not an easy personality to deal with and I have to take that into account as well. My anxiety has played a role for sure. He's had plenty of reasons to leave me already but he's standing his ground.

 

Yes, I could give up because it's been a rollercoaster. But at this age it becomes harder and harder to give up as it becomes increasingly difficult to find someone... anyone...

 

I was doing OLD forever, and everyone you meet at this age is a bag of issues... I guess I just don't have a fairytale outlook on love... if I ever did. And my guy's opinion is that most people give up too easily and in this throw away society I have to agree. So I'm willing to give it a chance. After all, he's willing to give it a chance. Beyond that, what happens, happens, I guess.

 

TBH I guess I am a little bit afraid of how a break up will affect my anxiety. It's made a big positive difference to have him around as hard as that may be to believe, and I know for sure now that being alone was a big factor in creating my anxiety in the first place. I'm very much alone in the world and it's terrifying. Other than the fact my SO has a son, his situation and mine are running parallels, so I guess we're both clinging to each other for a little warmth.

[MidwestUSA]

 

TBH I guess I am a little bit afraid of how a break up will affect my anxiety. It's made a big positive difference to have him around as hard as that may be to believe, and I know for sure now that being alone was a big factor in creating my anxiety in the first place. I'm very much alone in the world and it's terrifying. Other than the fact my SO has a son, his situation and mine are running parallels, so I guess we're both clinging to each other for a little warmth.

 

 

Honestly, it sounds like both you and this man may tend toward codependency.

 

Tread carefully.

[Fair]

Honestly, it sounds like both you and this man may tend toward codependency.

 

Tread carefully.

 

Or maybe we're just human.

[ExpatInItaly]

Or maybe we're just human.

 

That doesn't change the fact that you both appear to have unhealthy relationship patterns and are not really a match. Two breaks in such a short time is a sign you are not going to work out.

 

Be human, but don't be willfully blind.

[Dis]

I'm trying now not to overthink it. The bigger picture is that he's been a bachelor for so long, has ED, has lost his dad and is now fighting with his siblings over his dad's will, has other health issues that are worrying him... has an elderly, sick mother he feels responsible for etc. etc. etc.

 

I don't think we'll ever end up walking down the aisle what with how difficult it's been... but I too am not an easy personality to deal with and I have to take that into account as well. My anxiety has played a role for sure. He's had plenty of reasons to leave me already but he's standing his ground.

 

Yes, I could give up because it's been a rollercoaster. But at this age it becomes harder and harder to give up as it becomes increasingly difficult to find someone... anyone...

 

I was doing OLD forever, and everyone you meet at this age is a bag of issues... I guess I just don't have a fairytale outlook on love... if I ever did. And my guy's opinion is that most people give up too easily and in this throw away society I have to agree. So I'm willing to give it a chance. After all, he's willing to give it a chance. Beyond that, what happens, happens, I guess.

 

TBH I guess I am a little bit afraid of how a break up will affect my anxiety. It's made a big positive difference to have him around as hard as that may be to believe, and I know for sure now that being alone was a big factor in creating my anxiety in the first place. I'm very much alone in the world and it's terrifying. Other than the fact my SO has a son, his situation and mine are running parallels, so I guess we're both clinging to each other for a little warmth.

 

I don't believe in fairy tale love either and I do believe people give up to easily on each other. Nothing is perfect, no relationship is perfect. My bf and I have our issues mostly because of external factors causing stress within our relationship but we're committed to each other, through the good and the bad. I don't want you to think I believe a relationship is all sunshine and roses, relationships are hard work, rough patches happen, and I agree that the older I get, the more realistic I get in terms of what's a day dream and what's really to be expected in a relationship.

 

I believe as long as two people build a relationship on a solid, honest foundation, it's worth it to try

 

What worries me is that your foundation with this guy doesn't seem solid. It seems like it sways to and fro. I hope things get better since your going to try to see this through. I understand your perspective but I also understand that you may be settling. Either way, I really hope this does work out for you or I hope you meet someone new that's better suited for you. You deserve happiness.

 

Keep us posted

[Fair]

He told me he's not happy the other day. I opened the door and told him to leave if he wants to. He said he didn't want to break up he just needed a break... again. I told him if he needs another 'break,' not to come back. He said he just needed time to himself and wanted to keep seeing me, saying he'd still be back every night...

 

I said if we keep seeing each other I won't put all my eggs in one basket with him and I'll see other people. He snapped to attention and changed his tune. Said he's been having stresses I don't know about and we talked about it. Today, he said he believed he 'saved' our relationship by just finally being totally honest about why he's not been happy. He said he knows he loves me and doesn't want to throw our relationship away.

 

Push. Pull.

 

I wish I didn't care about him so much. I can't get rid of the feeling I'm really single despite the fact he's still in my life.

 

Tonight he's not here and I feel the urge to call an ex boyfriend who really did want me once. Maybe just to message my ego. Ugh.

 

Yes, I believe I'm 'settling,' and this whole thing is lie but he really does show flashes of wanting me that seem genuine, and it's this that's messing me up. I guess I'm being a fool.

Edited September 10, 2018 by Fair

[Highndry]

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you, Fair? You mention "at this age" and I'm just wondering for context.

[ExpatInItaly]

Just end it for good, OP.

 

3 breaks in the span of such little time is ridiculous.

[BaileyB]

Just end it.

 

He is just not ready for a relationship. Let it go.

[Dis]

I agree with the others...

 

End it

 

I had an ex that would, 'break up' with me on a consistent basis. It was like torture because I never knew if he was serious or not. When a person comes and goes and creates a push pull dynamic, it's a sign that person is not healthy mentally. Turns out that ex I mentioned had a host of other issues and was cheating on me left and right.

 

This guy is not cut out for a healthy relationship. The anxiety you're going through with him must tower over your anxiety being single.

 

Please end this. Stop torturing yourself, Fair. You CAN do better. I hate to see this happening. I know it feels awful. Take your power back and end this. You're not a puppet for him to toy with.

[basil67]

He told me he's not happy the other day. I opened the door and told him to leave if he wants to. He said he didn't want to break up he just needed a break... again. I told him if he needs another 'break,' not to come back. He said he just needed time to himself and wanted to keep seeing me, saying he'd still be back every night...

 

I said if we keep seeing each other I won't put all my eggs in one basket with him and I'll see other people. He snapped to attention and changed his tune. Said he's been having stresses I don't know about and we talked about it. Today, he said he believed he 'saved' our relationship by just finally being totally honest about why he's not been happy. He said he knows he loves me and doesn't want to throw our relationship away.

 

Push. Pull.

 

I wish I didn't care about him so much. I can't get rid of the feeling I'm really single despite the fact he's still in my life.

 

Tonight he's not here and I feel the urge to call an ex boyfriend who really did want me once. Maybe just to message my ego. Ugh.

 

Yes, I believe I'm 'settling,' and this whole thing is lie but he really does show flashes of wanting me that seem genuine, and it's this that's messing me up. I guess I'm being a fool.

 

It's called a "break" because the relationship is broken. Healthy people in good relationships don't go needing breaks.

[Fair]

I agree with the others...

 

End it

 

I had an ex that would, 'break up' with me on a consistent basis. It was like torture because I never knew if he was serious or not. When a person comes and goes and creates a push pull dynamic, it's a sign that person is not healthy mentally. Turns out that ex I mentioned had a host of other issues and was cheating on me left and right.

 

This guy is not cut out for a healthy relationship. The anxiety you're going through with him must tower over your anxiety being single.

 

Please end this. Stop torturing yourself, Fair. You CAN do better. I hate to see this happening. I know it feels awful. Take your power back and end this. You're not a puppet for him to toy with.

 

We broke up again for 5 days then he came back for just one and I ended it hopefully for the last time today.

 

Because last night I wanted to discuss the relationship and he got irritable with me and said I was trying to start a fight. I wasn't and told him so... but as usual his response was... "if you don't stop I'm leaving because I don't want to fight with you anymore".... so he insisted I was trying to fight though I was being completely calm and reasonable.

 

I see someone trying to guilt you into silence as abuse. There are so many little things he did that I consider emotional abuse but some of it was so subtle I've been questioning my own perceptions. All I know is that as time goes on I feel more and more belittled, devalued, and uncared about.

[Dis]

We broke up again for 5 days then he came back for just one and I ended it hopefully for the last time today.

 

Because last night I wanted to discuss the relationship and he got irritable with me and said I was trying to start a fight. I wasn't and told him so... but as usual his response was... "if you don't stop I'm leaving because I don't want to fight with you anymore".... so he insisted I was trying to fight though I was being completely calm and reasonable.

 

I see someone trying to guilt you into silence as abuse. There are so many little things he did that I consider emotional abuse but some of it was so subtle I've been questioning my own perceptions. All I know is that as time goes on I feel more and more belittled, devalued, and uncared about.

 

I totally understand where you're coming from. The same has happened to me. I think it's abuse too, to refuse to allow someone to bring up a concern. He sounds like he has issues that aren't conducive to a healthy relationship.

 

I'm really glad you ended things. Stick to being done with him so you don't have to deal with anymore of this.

 

Maybe to stick to this new resolve it might help you to write down a list of traits he had or things about the relationship that you won't miss. That way, if he comes back around (which I think he might) you can pull that list out, read it, and stay strong

 

You did the right thing, *hugs*