Why the doubt? **Updated**

[OatsAndHall]

Was it psychological or physical or both? How would you suggest I proceed with this as a man who has dealt with ED?

 

 

For men, it almost always has a physiological root of some kind unless there was abuse in the past. Mine was physiological but the right medical attention fixed it and then some.

 

 

 

I would suggest having him see an endocrinologist or urologist and see what they say. Not a general practitioner as they really don't know what to look for and could make things worse (they did for me..(

 

 

But, again, ED is a HUGE blow to the male psyche so try not to take things personally. Especially if you're in a new relationship where the sex is expected to be hot n' heavy. Before I experienced ED, my sex life was out of this world but it came crashing down over the space of a few months. I was a mess over it and my ex's reaction to it just made things that much worse.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

I'm bothered by the fact that over the course of the week he's expressing continual fears that our new relationship won't work out and that I'll leave. I keep trying to reassure him but to seemingly no avail. So I told him it bothers me when he keeps saying things like that, which it does. A lot of the time he passes it off as a joke, saying he's just being silly... but then keeps doing it.

 

 

He is trying to cop out of the relationship. Whenever a guy has expressed doubts about us dating, they always ended up breaking it off. Guys have used every excuse not to continue dating me. I would be very wary as someone who wants to be w/you will not let anything stop them.

[Fair]

This sounds like he has the fearful-avoidant attachment style.

 

 

https://jebkinnison.com/bad-boyfriends-the-book/fearful-avoidant/

 

 

A good read.

 

This is very good. Thank you. And it turns out this very well might be his problem.

[Fair]

It didn't work out.

 

On top of his insecurities he started up with emotional abuse and lies. So I walked.

 

I guess I knew it was over the minute he started doubting. I'm so disappointed.

[OatsAndHall]

It didn't work out.

 

On top of his insecurities he started up with emotional abuse and lies. So I walked.

 

I guess I knew it was over the minute he started doubting. I'm so disappointed.

 

 

Well, he doesn't have any excuse for being an a-- so it's for the best. Things go south quickly when a SO starts lying.

[Fair]

For those who have read my earlier posts, I'm back with ED guy... broke up with him for a mere day and a half, but things have been going well since then, and now we've been together for a month. At least, I think it's going well... except for one thing. He's keeping me separate from the rest of his life.

 

I don't get it. We live in a tiny rural town where everyone knows both of us. I haven't told my sisters who live around here about him simply because they aren't part of my life, our family is dysfunctional and they aren't privy to ANY of my business. That said, the rest of the town must be starting to catch on since anyone driving past my house can see his truck parked here every night. However...

 

His mother lives outside of town on a farm, and when his son comes home to visit, they both stay out there together so his son can visit with his grandma at the same time. He's there tonight with his son, and when he called me this evening, as usual it was from his cell phone in his truck. He won't tell either one of them he's dating someone, nor has he told his sister whom he's close to.

 

At first I was fine with it. I'm not one who feels the need to announce my business to anyone. I'm very private, but I don't have anyone I'd WANT to tell anyway. My parents are both gone, but if mom was alive I'd tell her about it because I was close to her... but on his side, it's been a month and he won't even whisper my name to the people he's closest to.. Why not?. Saying we're dating isn't tantamount to saying we're getting married but he's treating it like it is...

 

He says he wouldn't deny it if anyone asks, but why should he wait for someone like his mom who lives alone out on the farm and can't get around very well anymore, to ask? Why can't he tell his 22 year old son he's got a girlfriend? He hasn't been with his son's mom in over twenty years and their marriage only lasted a year and a half. Who is there to object? He's been single forever and deserves a life of his own.

 

I tell myself it's only been a month and to let him tell people at his own pace, but I have to admit this is affecting me. If I'm a secret how can I really trust him? We drove past his mom's the other day but he never suggests turning in there... and I don't say anything but it seems off...

 

Am I right to be suspicious? I don't really think he's cheating on me but when he's not here I only have his word that he is where he says he is since he won't phone from his mother's house phone when he's at the farm, for example, but hides in his truck to call from his cell. I can't help but wonder what's going on. I feel like he's not seeing me as long term potential... or giving our relationship any respect. But then I tell myself it's silly to worry since our relationship is so new. But AM I being silly or am I right to be worried?

 

Maybe it's too soon to meet his family... I don't know. But why won't he even TELL them he's seeing me?

Edited August 26, 2018 by Fair

[Farid]

Would you like to copy/paste your earlier post under this one as a comment so that we can read it or are they not so related?

[Chilli]

Maybe it's nothing , people like to hold off a few months on this stuff. see how it goes first.

 

Such a small town you'd probably know if he was seeing anyone else.

Might be just a time thing for him a month isn't long.

[ExpatInItaly]

He probably wants to make sure this doesn't happen again first: (from your previous thread about him on August 4, after you discussed his ED with him)

 

"I had a talk about it with him just now. But I did accuse him of playing with my emotions. He left my house asking me if it's over and I didn't respond. So he left, saying, 'well, I guess it's over then," but I know he doesn't really believe it is. He took me in his arms and made me feel like my feelings about the 'jokes' he makes are silly... saying that he loves me and knows I love him."

 

I imagine he wants to feel like this relationship is more stable and secure before he starts integrating you into his family and personal life.

[BaileyB]

Indeed. It was consolidated with a previous thread.

 

I waited for a few months before telling my family about my boyfriend. He did the same. I think he met them four months into the relationship. I met his son six months in to the relationship. I met his family who live out of town a year into the relationship. And, I just met his mother who lives in the next province, two years into the relationship.

 

I would suggest that you cool your jets, and give it a little more time.

[Versacehottie]

I don't think you can "force" or expect him to mention you. How he does that is a part of who he is and conducts his life. If you've told him how you feel about it, and he's still done nothing, then all you can do is decide how you will react to him saying nothing, such as breaking up with him or change what type of relationship you have with him.

 

I'm not saying you don't have a valid point, but on the other hand not everyone handles their business the same way. He may be rebelling just because you are being pushy, in his perspective, about it. He may not share these type of things with his family for various reasons, none of which have anything to do with you.

 

I'm going to point out something that you may not have thought about and honestly may be sticking your head in the sand about. This is who this person is (on some level). Reluctant, private in that way, immature possibly, how he deals with your concerns etc. Don't think of it as a victory if you finally get him to mention you to his family. It'd be a small victory but losing the big picture. You need to pay attention to who this person is and how he deals with things--because surely the same types of issues and ways of dealing with them will crop up again. That's the silly thing about nagging. You might get your way in the short term but lose sight of the long term/bigger picture. As they say, stay woke

[Fair]

I don't nag him about this or mention it at all particularly. But it seems silly, all this posturing. It's a small town. If it gets back to his mom what is he going to do, lie? Say it's just gossip?

 

Anyway, I feel like I have to just be quiet about everything I think and really feel for fear he'll close up even more of his life to me. It's not very comfortable...

[Gretchen12]

When I didn't mention a boyfriend it was because I wasn't sure if we'd last. I just wanted to save myself the trouble of later answering people asking me "what happened?" On the other hand, I'd known guys who mentioned me to everyone, even introduced me to his children, then break up with me soon afterwards.

[d0nnivain]

I always kept to myself & didn't share much about my personal life with family. They were always too nosy & too gossipy for my tastes. I also didn't want them bugging me about when I was going to bring the new guy around so I generally kept my mouth shut until I was ready to do introductions which usually took a while.

 

If the gossips in town are waging their tongues I Suppose I would expect him to tell his family you existed so they would know the truth rather then what the busybodies surmised.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't nag him about this or mention it at all particularly. But it seems silly, all this posturing. It's a small town. If it gets back to his mom what is he going to do, lie? Say it's just gossip?

 

Anyway, I feel like I have to just be quiet about everything I think and really feel for fear he'll close up even more of his life to me. It's not very comfortable...

 

Please take a look at your other thread to see my response to this specific question, OP.

 

I think he's not quite ready to open up yet.

[SouthernIslander]

I am from a very small gossipy town myself and I tend to be very private about my personal life because of that. Everyone is in everyone’s business, which can be hard on a new relationship. So I always let the relationship develop privately for a few months.

 

A month is much too soon to freak out, IMO.

[Versacehottie]

I don't nag him about this or mention it at all particularly. But it seems silly, all this posturing. It's a small town. If it gets back to his mom what is he going to do, lie? Say it's just gossip?

 

Anyway, I feel like I have to just be quiet about everything I think and really feel for fear he'll close up even more of his life to me. It's not very comfortable...

 

 

You don't? Ok I am misinterpreting part of your OP then for sure. Ok start with that: you have to be your own advocate for anything you want in life to have the life you want. So start with saying something. I think that's part of getting to know someone and be in a relationship with him. Knowing conflicts or concerns WILL arise and figuring out the best way in your dynamic to approach them. He doesn't have all the power or say, unless you give it to him. So part of why you may be uncomfortable is that you are silencing yourself. Give him a fair chance to address your concerns by letting him know you have them. If i were in your shoes, I was say something in a lighthearted, joking/teasing manner because that is my personality. It also tends to be less confrontational or serious but that doesn't work with everyone and is not everyone's style. Do it in your authentic way. Don't give ultimatums or threats. Just tell him how it makes you feel (in your way) and let it marinate or sink in with him without expecting immediate action. If he cares about you, i'd be surprised if it falls on completely deaf ears.

 

Secondly, maybe it's just me but it sounds like you are more concerned with what others are seeing or talking about. I wouldn't care about that because I would put my relationship before those concerns and not assume he was keeping me "secret", which he may see as you being a little immature or too worried about what others think. And you have the posts above from others explaining possible reasons with their own examples of why he is not forthcoming to his family etc (i.e. not necessarily to do with you but just the way he processes his own life; and while i think both of those came from women, I actually think a lot of guys do exactly what your bf is doing). It's funny because of the small town thing but have you considered that maybe he doesn't say anything to his own family because as a product of a small town with not much going on but other people gossip that they will be all in his business pushing to meet you and talk about it to others. Also maybe he thinks they will be pushing to meet you and wants to "protect" the relationship because he thinks his family is too this or too that. As for the son, that can be a delicate issue all around and may be another reason he keeps quiet. I actually think that's fair--even if his son is an adult.

 

It's possible that he doesn't view your relationship as serious or that it will last which may be part of his reasons for handling things like this. Something to keep in mind. I think you will learn a lot about this person that you are staking your future on, if you say your piece and observe. Observe but don't stick your head in sand, like you have to accept however he deals with things. I am not afraid to observe because I know if i don't like what I see I would walk--sometimes I think people are afraid to do that because they don't feel like they have options. You have to create a mentality in yourself where you KNOW you have options. Good luck

[Lotsgoingon]

I think both perspectives here are right.

 

One, sometimes it's best to delay discussion of dating with family members, because the family members might be destructive, negative and might undermine the relationship. Family isn't always family. Or ... family sometimes acts like family ... as in intrusive, nosy, possessive, catty.

 

People dating outside their "group" will often delay mentioning dating someone who is outside the group, whether it's a religious group or ethnic group. If a family is prejudiced against your partner's "group," it's often best to hold off on disclosure until the relationship is stronger and firmer and can survive the negativity of family members.

 

On the other hand, I knew I was in trouble in a past relationship when my partner didn't mention me to two of her children ... and when she was going to a wedding and didn't even mention the possibility of inviting me. And I was right ... She later dumped me.

 

What's more worrying, I think, is when a partner fails to mention you to their friends of the opposite sex. Say you're dating a guy and he doesn't mention you to a close woman friend of his. That can be a sign of messy energy and entanglements.

[stillafool]

When I met my husband I didn't tell my friends or family about us until months later and even then I didn't want to. I just loved the "love bubble" we were in and weren't interested in sharing him with anyone. He did the same. Once everyone found out the invitations would not stop coming and that is what we were trying to avoid by keeping our relationship secret in the first place.

[Fair]

I suppose I feel like everything is a secret and that's why I'm worried. He's guarded and quiet and I'd like a hint as to why he's keeping it from family... it's not that I want to rush him into mentioning me or introducing me to people, but I do wish I knew what's going on in his mind. I'm private too... I'd understand. But he won't tell me anything. His way is to deny everything when it comes to ANYTHING rather than just SAY.

[BaileyB]

I suppose I feel like everything is a secret and that's why I'm worried. He's guarded and quiet and I'd like a hint as to why he's keeping it from family... it's not that I want to rush him into mentioning me or introducing me to people, but I do wish I knew what's going on in his mind. I'm private too... I'd understand. But he won't tell me anything. His way is to deny everything when it comes to ANYTHING rather than just SAY.

 

Seems to me that you have some communication and trust issues in this relationship... coupled with your expectations and it creates a lot of anxiety and conflict for you.

[Lotsgoingon]

I suppose I feel like everything is a secret and that's why I'm worried. He's guarded and quiet and I'd like a hint as to why he's keeping it from family... it's not that I want to rush him into mentioning me or introducing me to people, but I do wish I knew what's going on in his mind. I'm private too... I'd understand. But he won't tell me anything. His way is to deny everything when it comes to ANYTHING rather than just SAY.

 

So the problem, it seems, is that this person is closed and not communicative. Well yes, those are problems. Telling family that he's dating you doesn't solve the issue of being closed, uncommunicative and not opening up to you.

[ExpatInItaly]

I suppose I feel like everything is a secret and that's why I'm worried. He's guarded and quiet and I'd like a hint as to why he's keeping it from family... it's not that I want to rush him into mentioning me or introducing me to people, but I do wish I knew what's going on in his mind. I'm private too... I'd understand. But he won't tell me anything. His way is to deny everything when it comes to ANYTHING rather than just SAY.

 

Since you evidently are not going to go back to your other thread and read the response I posted there, I'll sum it up here again:

 

You previously accused him of playing games with you, knowing he was a very insecure and anxious guy who was afraid you would leave him. On the night you brought that up, he wound up asking you if it was over, you didn't say anything to that, and he left.

 

This is what you wrote on August 4: "I had a talk about it with him just now. But I did accuse him of playing with my emotions. He left my house asking me if it's over and I didn't respond. So he left, saying, 'well, I guess it's over then," but I know he doesn't really believe it is. He took me in his arms and made me feel like my feelings about the 'jokes' he makes are silly... saying that he loves me and knows I love him."

 

I understand you have since patched things up, but given that happened just a few weeks ago, I think he wants to make sure something like that doesn't happen again before letting his family know he has a girlfriend. In other words, I would operate under the assumption that he wants to feel more sure that is a stable and secure relationship before opening up and integrating you into his family/personal life. I would cut him a little slack on this, given the recent history between the two of you.

[BaileyB]

So the problem, it seems, is that this person is closed and not communicative. Well yes, those are problems. Telling family that he's dating you doesn't solve the issue of being closed, uncommunicative and not opening up to you.

 

If there was a “like” button, I would “like” this. It’s right on the money...

[Fair]

So the problem, it seems, is that this person is closed and not communicative. Well yes, those are problems. Telling family that he's dating you doesn't solve the issue of being closed, uncommunicative and not opening up to you.

 

No. It wouldn't solve anything. The closed, uncommunicative side to him has me on the look out for danger however and makes me read things into things I might not otherwise for lack of any other info.

 

It's really a frustration I have with most men. Why can't they just TALK. They can't expect people to read minds. Someone who closes off is asking for problems in the relationship, hands down.

Edited August 26, 2018 by Fair