Britney25 Posted August 4, 2018 Posted August 4, 2018 So after many of you advised me to text the guy that I kinda blew off without giving him a concrete date to meet for that second date I texted him on Wednesday telling him I enjoyed myself and let's meet this weekend. He texted me back with yes would love to meet. Let's meet on Sunday if it works for me. I said it works in the afternoon and he replied back ok sounds like a plan, let's see when and where. I will go to the mall first then come find you after if possible. Now its Saturday and I still haven't heard from him. Soooooo is he blowing me off?? Or am I overreacting?
ThreeRainbows Posted August 4, 2018 Posted August 4, 2018 I would text him to confirm the plans. What's the harm in asking? 1
d0nnivain Posted August 4, 2018 Posted August 4, 2018 Text him to confirm. Nailing down the details is not desperate or needy. It's just practical.
PRW Posted August 4, 2018 Posted August 4, 2018 You are overreacting. I would have coached to to do a few things a little differently. The date should be evening, not afternoon. Afternoon dates tend to lead to the friend zone if they are done before exclusivity. I would never set up a date by saying "...then come find you after if possible". But maybe that is a result of you "kinda blowing him off" if he doesn't have complete trust in you after that. But generally he is doing this in an "OK" manner. On your side of it, if you are a bit insecure or lack confidence, indicated by blowing him off, changing your mind, then the little over reaction in this instance,...then he may be picking up on this and sees it as a red flag. But if you behave in a consistent manner and demonstrate trust in him you may overcome that. You are never "stood up" until you are actually there,...and he is not. I would much rather get stood up than to act distrustful and "hassle" the other person right before the date to make sure they show up. If they show I got my answer, if they don't show I also got my answer, either way I get my answer, and respond accordingly.
Author Britney25 Posted August 4, 2018 Author Posted August 4, 2018 Hell no I'm not texting him. I have standards. Texting him only sends masculine vibes! Especially if this is only the second date!
Lotsgoingon Posted August 4, 2018 Posted August 4, 2018 So you last left it without a specific time and meeting place nailed down?
mortensorchid Posted August 4, 2018 Posted August 4, 2018 I don't think that's a bad idea to text someone to confirm something. YOu don't want to show up and then he'll never show and you'll be left with egg on your face. If he doesn't respond, then that's your answer : he's not interested. If he texts back and says "Yes, I will be there c u soon" then you have confirmed a plan. It's just a courtesy.
Author Britney25 Posted August 4, 2018 Author Posted August 4, 2018 So you last left it without a specific time and meeting place nailed down? Exactly. The first date we had a time and place but he texted the day of in the morning. For this one he just left it as we will see. Honestly if he will text me tomorrow I will reschedule .
Author Britney25 Posted August 4, 2018 Author Posted August 4, 2018 I don't think that's a bad idea to text someone to confirm something. YOu don't want to show up and then he'll never show and you'll be left with egg on your face. If he doesn't respond, then that's your answer : he's not interested. If he texts back and says "Yes, I will be there c u soon" then you have confirmed a plan. It's just a courtesy. I don't think you get it sorry. There is no place or time set. It's not my job to confirm.
CollegeKid101 Posted August 4, 2018 Posted August 4, 2018 I don't think you get it sorry. There is no place or time set. It's not my job to confirm. But you asked him out. 1
ThreeRainbows Posted August 4, 2018 Posted August 4, 2018 I don't think you get it sorry. There is no place or time set. It's not my job to confirm. You're right. Although I don't see texting to confirm as a big deal. I think it's best done right when plans are made. If he does wait until last minute to nail it down, don't go. My ex-bf did this on our first date, and I almost didn't give him a second chance to reschedule. He apologized profusely, and was so grateful I gave him another chance, but the wishy-washyness never went away. He later dumped me. It's not a bad test to weed out the disrespectful guys who will always test your boundaries.
ThreeRainbows Posted August 4, 2018 Posted August 4, 2018 But you asked him out. Game changer. You asked him out, and that does send masculine vibes. Nothing wrong with that inherently, however, you should be the one to follow through.
Lotsgoingon Posted August 4, 2018 Posted August 4, 2018 (edited) 1. I texted him on Wednesday telling him I enjoyed myself and let's meet this weekend. 2. He texted me back with yes would love to meet. Let's meet on Sunday if it works for me. 3. I said it works in the afternoon and he replied back ok sounds like a plan, let's see when and where. I will go to the mall first then come find you after if possible. Wow, I love this ... I broke the exchange into numbered points to see if that would clarify things ... and I'm not sure it does. The ambiguity of who asked who would make for a great courtroom trial ... one of those trials where the judge and the lawyers call experts to define phrases like "I will" ... and "let's see." Woulda made a great Seinfeld episode. George in Jerry's apartment agonizing over whether he or the woman is supposed to call to confirm the date. Jerry: Did you ask her or she ask you? George: We both asked. Jerry: You both asked? George: Yes, we both asked. Jerry: You mean it was a double-ask? George: Yes a simultaneous double-ask ... and now I don't know whether to call or be called. Jerry: Ask me, a double-ask cancels everything out. So it's a no-ask. You're off the hook either way. Frankly, sounds like neither of you guys was committing to meeting. Edited August 4, 2018 by Lotsgoingon 2
Author Britney25 Posted August 4, 2018 Author Posted August 4, 2018 But you asked him out. No I didnt...I replied to his text when he asked me when can we play tennis.
Author Britney25 Posted August 4, 2018 Author Posted August 4, 2018 Game changer. You asked him out, and that does send masculine vibes. Nothing wrong with that inherently, however, you should be the one to follow through. Hmm ok after our first date he texted me the next day asking when can he see me to play tennis. I replied sometime we should. Them the convo went on but no plans. I wrote here about this and some people were saying I gave him a vague answer so 2 days later I decided to tell him we can meet on the weekend. I was simply replying to his first text.
Author Britney25 Posted August 4, 2018 Author Posted August 4, 2018 Wow, I love this ... I broke the exchange into numbered points to see if that would clarify things ... and I'm not sure it does. The ambiguity of who asked who would make for a great courtroom trial ... one of those trials where the judge and the lawyers call experts to define phrases like "I will" ... and "let's see." Woulda made a great Seinfeld episode. George in Jerry's apartment agonizing over whether he or the woman is supposed to call to confirm the date. Jerry: Did you ask her or she ask you? George: We both asked. Jerry: You both asked? George: Yes, we both asked. Jerry: You mean it was a double-ask? George: Yes a simultaneous double-ask ... and now I don't know whether to call or be called. Jerry: Ask me, a double-ask cancels everything out. So it's a no-ask. You're off the hook either way. Frankly, sounds like neither of you guys was committing to meeting. Now im ****ing confused. I mean he first asked me if I want to go to the beach with him Saturday or Sunday. I told him I'm busy during the day but I'm free sunday afternoon..he replies with sounds like a plan ,let's see where and when. So technically shouldn't he text to confirm?
spiderowl Posted August 5, 2018 Posted August 5, 2018 If he's seriously interested, he should text to confirm. He should not leave this to you. While he may be just vague about everything in his life, a few weeks of this and you will be fed up of having to take the lead in defining things. I turned down a guy who contacted me yesterday to suggest meeting today. It is part of a pattern of last-minute 'dates' and I'd had enough of it. There were other issues too, but this was one of the major ones.
act00 Posted August 5, 2018 Posted August 5, 2018 The one thing I've learned is to nail down a time right then and there when the plan presents itself. Date, time, and place. None of this vague, maybe Sunday afternoon, and we'll discuss it later. Do it NOW. If this comes across as too pushy or controlling, so be it. I'm not a fly by the seat of my pants kind of girl. I want a place and a time...period. If he's so wishy-washy he can't formulate a plan and stick to it, and he's a "last minute" kind of guy, it just won't work for me. Both of you are dancing around solid plans...you can both be more direct...YOU should be insisting, and if he hem-haws or it turns him off, so be it. I went around on this with a guy I was fixed up with. We agreed to meet on a Saturday. He was more, "we'll figure it out later," and I've been around this block too many times, and my response was (in not so many words) "no, we'll figure it out now." I've been stood up and blown off way too many times when there isn't a solid plan, and I absolutely hate this "wait and see" approach. I live too far away from everything and have to factor in at least 30 minutes of driving and getting ready time. I wouldn't drop the subject. I asked his location (crossroads), and while on the internet and talking about other things, after nailing down a plan on what we want to do, picked a location in the middle. Then arranged a time. He kept saying we could talk about this later, and I said I would rather plan now. When your guy said he'd go to the mall first and then meet, you could have said, "Okay, there's <this place> near by. Does 3 o'clock work for you?" If he needed to organize around his own plans, expect him to get back with you quickly once he knows what's going on..."I need to be home by 6, so I'm thinking no later than 4, so we have at least a couple hours. I would prefer a little earlier. Let me know what works for you." Stop dancing around this. If he can't formulate a plan and be more defined and direct, that's a personality issue, and could also be a low interest issue...either way, YOU can take control and be more defined on planning yourself, and do so when the idea of meeting on Friday or Sunday or Wednesday pops up in the first place...place and time. Edit to add: I see nothing wrong with you contacting him and asking what type of timeline he has and what time he would like to meet and giving your own time.
d0nnivain Posted August 5, 2018 Posted August 5, 2018 Hell no I'm not texting him. I have standards. Texting him only sends masculine vibes! Especially if this is only the second date! Then why did you ask us what to do if you already knew that you weren't going to take any affirmative action? Taking care of yourself includes managing your social calendar. Sitting back & fretting -- demanding that somebody else (the guy) take control -- is simply passive & causes the dilemma in which you found yourself. If you refuse to fix your own problem, you will get no sympathy from me as it continues. 3
Author Britney25 Posted August 5, 2018 Author Posted August 5, 2018 The one thing I've learned is to nail down a time right then and there when the plan presents itself. Date, time, and place. None of this vague, maybe Sunday afternoon, and we'll discuss it later. Do it NOW. If this comes across as too pushy or controlling, so be it. I'm not a fly by the seat of my pants kind of girl. I want a place and a time...period. If he's so wishy-washy he can't formulate a plan and stick to it, and he's a "last minute" kind of guy, it just won't work for me. Both of you are dancing around solid plans...you can both be more direct...YOU should be insisting, and if he hem-haws or it turns him off, so be it. I went around on this with a guy I was fixed up with. We agreed to meet on a Saturday. He was more, "we'll figure it out later," and I've been around this block too many times, and my response was (in not so many words) "no, we'll figure it out now." I've been stood up and blown off way too many times when there isn't a solid plan, and I absolutely hate this "wait and see" approach. I live too far away from everything and have to factor in at least 30 minutes of driving and getting ready time. I wouldn't drop the subject. I asked his location (crossroads), and while on the internet and talking about other things, after nailing down a plan on what we want to do, picked a location in the middle. Then arranged a time. He kept saying we could talk about this later, and I said I would rather plan now. When your guy said he'd go to the mall first and then meet, you could have said, "Okay, there's <this place> near by. Does 3 o'clock work for you?" If he needed to organize around his own plans, expect him to get back with you quickly once he knows what's going on..."I need to be home by 6, so I'm thinking no later than 4, so we have at least a couple hours. I would prefer a little earlier. Let me know what works for you." Stop dancing around this. If he can't formulate a plan and be more defined and direct, that's a personality issue, and could also be a low interest issue...either way, YOU can take control and be more defined on planning yourself, and do so when the idea of meeting on Friday or Sunday or Wednesday pops up in the first place...place and time. Edit to add: I see nothing wrong with you contacting him and asking what type of timeline he has and what time he would like to meet and giving your own time. Omg I ****ed up again. I dont know I'm just used to the guy planning. Yeah I agree with you 100%. Thank you. Anyway I'm not going to contact him today because the plans were so vague...if he wants to see me next week he will come through.
Author Britney25 Posted August 5, 2018 Author Posted August 5, 2018 If he's seriously interested, he should text to confirm. He should not leave this to you. While he may be just vague about everything in his life, a few weeks of this and you will be fed up of having to take the lead in defining things. I turned down a guy who contacted me yesterday to suggest meeting today. It is part of a pattern of last-minute 'dates' and I'd had enough of it. There were other issues too, but this was one of the major ones. Well he just texted me hey how are you? Happy Sunday! Hes check in in on me right?
d0nnivain Posted August 6, 2018 Posted August 6, 2018 Well he just texted me hey how are you? Happy Sunday! Hes check in in on me right? He is giving you an opening to firm up what you two may be doing. You can't go by gender roles alone. Guys are just as scared if not more so then women about getting rejected. You gotta cut him a break & express interest. Your reply should have been: I'd be better if I knew what time we were playing tennis. 1
act00 Posted August 6, 2018 Posted August 6, 2018 He's checking in because he didn't plan a time and you didn't plan a time, and he's hoping you're still in the picture...which is a good thing, and both of you really suck at planning. Honestly, I want to hit both of you upside the head. But this is also a bad thing because he has no drive or motivation to make spending time with you a reality. One of you needs to take the bull by the horns here...I think you need to start...he'll hopefully follow suit...but if he's this much of an oaf all the time?...I don't know...I'm a planner, and I can't say this is a deal-breaker or not, but if it takes this much work and and anxiety to plan a date?...I'm really not up to task. I'm giving major wiggle room for the fact that NEITHER of you are opening your mouths. A closed mouth doesn't get fed... It's normal in couples that one person takes control on one thing, and another person takes control of another thing. Women are historically the "social coordinators," and all men need are a time and a dress code. I'm having a really hard time with your situation because his actions are so lackadaisical and low interest, but there has also been a high level of interest from him. I think my mind has reached a point of low interest on his part or passive to the point of maddening. This guy never made an attempt to solidify anything. He didn't even text or call for a last-minute meetup....but he texted to make sure things were still okay. I maintain that you can take control on this planning, and don't subject yourself to "maybe's" and "later" and "we'll see." You can take the bull by the horns and actively plan...this is your life and you are an active participant in scheduling it. If this is problematic to your guy, I guess you can call this a deal-breaker or he can call this a deal-breaker, but for the love of God, do something to erase this one area of anxiety that you have some control over. Do you know how many people don't know what RSVP means? I don't know if this guy needs guidance or if he's just plain uninterested.
Author Britney25 Posted August 6, 2018 Author Posted August 6, 2018 He's checking in because he didn't plan a time and you didn't plan a time, and he's hoping you're still in the picture...which is a good thing, and both of you really suck at planning. Honestly, I want to hit both of you upside the head. But this is also a bad thing because he has no drive or motivation to make spending time with you a reality. One of you needs to take the bull by the horns here...I think you need to start...he'll hopefully follow suit...but if he's this much of an oaf all the time?...I don't know...I'm a planner, and I can't say this is a deal-breaker or not, but if it takes this much work and and anxiety to plan a date?...I'm really not up to task. I'm giving major wiggle room for the fact that NEITHER of you are opening your mouths. A closed mouth doesn't get fed... It's normal in couples that one person takes control on one thing, and another person takes control of another thing. Women are historically the "social coordinators," and all men need are a time and a dress code. I'm having a really hard time with your situation because his actions are so lackadaisical and low interest, but there has also been a high level of interest from him. I think my mind has reached a point of low interest on his part or passive to the point of maddening. This guy never made an attempt to solidify anything. He didn't even text or call for a last-minute meetup....but he texted to make sure things were still okay. I maintain that you can take control on this planning, and don't subject yourself to "maybe's" and "later" and "we'll see." You can take the bull by the horns and actively plan...this is your life and you are an active participant in scheduling it. If this is problematic to your guy, I guess you can call this a deal-breaker or he can call this a deal-breaker, but for the love of God, do something to erase this one area of anxiety that you have some control over. Do you know how many people don't know what RSVP means? I don't know if this guy needs guidance or if he's just plain uninterested. He actually texted to reschedule..said the other night was out late and didnt feel well today and suggested to meet tomorrow but I told him Tuesday is better. He actually set up a place and time!
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