Can anyone relate

[OatsAndHall]

Why is it a bad thing to leave a relationship that didn't provide for you emotionally? The man did not provide what she required on an emotional level. How do you remain in love with someone who doesn't give you what you need?

That is a great fear of mine. She did provide what I need, emotionally. Something that I have never experienced, having been married to an alcoholic who made everything about herself and I never got the love returned to me the way I needed. Now that I have experienced it with this other woman, and it exceeded my expectations and met my passion and intensity head on, I have doubts that another woman will be able to fill that requirement of mine.

 

 

Her and her husband invested 17 years of their lives into each other. That's worth marriage counseling, work and compromise, not divorce paperwork. She can dress things up with jargon all she wants, the reality here is simple: she wasn't happy in her marriage to a man she describes as being a good person/husband/father so she bailed.

[lovesickcanuck]

Her and her husband invested 17 years of their lives into each other. That's worth marriage counseling, work and compromise, not divorce paperwork. She can dress things up with jargon all she wants, the reality here is simple: she wasn't happy in her marriage to a man she describes as being a good person/husband/father so she bailed.

 

 

 

 

He was unwilling to do the counseling and refused to look at himself in any way.

The man didn't even look her in the eyes as they exchanged wedding vows, which she says she should have known then, that he was never going to provide her the emotional side she wanted.

[littleblackheart]

OP, it seems like you are hoping for someone to come and save the day with a romantic story of waiting and a happy ending.

 

If your gut instinct tells you to 'wait' despite what she herself said to you (and against most odds), just do it. She sounds all over the place tbh but sometimes you just need to see it through your way no matter what. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst and give yourself a deadline.

 

I hope it works out for you one way or the other.

[act00]

Why is it a bad thing to leave a relationship that didn't provide for you emotionally? The man did not provide what she required on an emotional level. How do you remain in love with someone who doesn't give you what you need?

That is a great fear of mine. She did provide what I need, emotionally. Something that I have never experienced, having been married to an alcoholic who made everything about herself and I never got the love returned to me the way I needed. Now that I have experienced it with this other woman, and it exceeded my expectations and met my passion and intensity head on, I have doubts that another woman will be able to fill that requirement of mine.

 

Certainly she has her right and her need to end an unfulfilling relationship, but now she has a guy that bleeds his emotions all over the place, and it's still not working out for her.

 

Let's put the puzzle pieces together...no one knows what's going on...the edges still aren't coming together.

 

Comparing a relationship to someone with an addiction to someone who does not have addictions is comparing apples to bricks. It's just a completely different can o' worms.

 

This woman seems to want someone who is available to listen to her lament, and chatter about her day, and solve problems, have someone to whine to, have support and justification, but she does not want to do the same in return...listen, support, converse, and take interest in him, in the same way. He's bleeding his heart all over the place, and it's making her have to work more, because she can't sit back and have a guy listen to her go on about her day without him interjecting about his day and his needs...so she's pulling this "friendship bit," so she can get her BFF with a guy that wants more, so he will be attentive, all the while she does nothing in return but need and want...and he actively gives this attention because he's working on the "what if."

 

This woman probably isn't actively and pathologically behaving this way...it's subconscious and unidentified...it's probably not a blatant act...something is amiss...something isn't right. NC until she puts her ducks in a row.

[lovesickcanuck]

Certainly she has her right and her need to end an unfulfilling relationship, but now she has a guy that bleeds his emotions all over the place, and it's still not working out for her.

 

Let's put the puzzle pieces together...no one knows what's going on...the edges still aren't coming together.

 

Comparing a relationship to someone with an addiction to someone who does not have addictions is comparing apples to bricks. It's just a completely different can o' worms.

 

This woman seems to want someone who is available to listen to her lament, and chatter about her day, and solve problems, have someone to whine to, have support and justification, but she does not want to do the same in return...listen, support, converse, and take interest in him, in the same way. He's bleeding his heart all over the place, and it's making her have to work more, because she can't sit back and have a guy listen to her go on about her day without him interjecting about his day and his needs...so she's pulling this "friendship bit," so she can get her BFF with a guy that wants more, so he will be attentive, all the while she does nothing in return but need and want...and he actively gives this attention because he's working on the "what if."

 

This woman probably isn't actively and pathologically behaving this way...it's subconscious and unidentified...it's probably not a blatant act...something is amiss...something isn't right. NC until she puts her ducks in a row.

 

 

 

 

But she did do all of that. She listened, she asked the questions, she expressed the same thoughts and feelings as I did.

 

It was never a relationship that was needy or one sided. Even at the end, she was expressing her feelings for me, just that she didn't feel she was ready for the relationship right now.

 

 

I guess it is kind of like littleblackheart said.

 

There is a part of me that wants someone to chime in with a story of success. To tell me I'm not crazy to wait it out a little bit.

 

 

 

The other part of me is the literal part. The part that seeks answers and cannot rest until I have them. That part of me is what brought me here.

 

I will think long and hard on all the advice and opinions that have been shared. I will mull them over and over and over and I will eventually reach my conclusion. That's just how I work. I appreciate everything everyone has had to offer thus far and I hope that more people will add to this, as the information I gather will only help me make my decision in the long run.

 

 

 

In the meantime, I will still hold on to a little slice of hope, that some time apart, some time for her to think and reflect, will eventually bring her back to the feelings that she has for me.

[act00]

But she did do all of that. She listened, she asked the questions, she expressed the same thoughts and feelings as I did.

 

It was never a relationship that was needy or one sided. Even at the end, she was expressing her feelings for me, just that she didn't feel she was ready for the relationship right now.

 

 

I guess it is kind of like littleblackheart said.

 

There is a part of me that wants someone to chime in with a story of success. To tell me I'm not crazy to wait it out a little bit.

 

 

 

The other part of me is the literal part. The part that seeks answers and cannot rest until I have them. That part of me is what brought me here.

 

I will think long and hard on all the advice and opinions that have been shared. I will mull them over and over and over and I will eventually reach my conclusion. That's just how I work. I appreciate everything everyone has had to offer thus far and I hope that more people will add to this, as the information I gather will only help me make my decision in the long run.

 

 

 

In the meantime, I will still hold on to a little slice of hope, that some time apart, some time for her to think and reflect, will eventually bring her back to the feelings that she has for me.

 

That's all it is, sweetie, is you just got punched in the face over something you thought was going well. It hurts, and you can't make sense of it. Your head is still spinning, and you want to continue justifying it, and somehow make the situation workable...but you have no magical powers to change HER and what she's doing or thinking..she ended it. She wants to keep you around as an orbiter, as she expresses her love for you and how well things went while actively avoiding this relationship she misses.<---big red flag.

 

The bottom line here is she called it off. She's too skittish and doesn't know what she's doing or what she wants. Sure, you can hang out for who knows how long while she keeps that carrot dangling in front of you, and you remain hopeful, or you can see the forest for the trees and remove yourself from this situation entirely. You can justify until you're blue in the face. It won't change a thing...she can't offer what you want and need. It started out that way, and it sucks big purple twinkies that she changed her mind or she got cold feet, but it is what it is. You can sniff after her months and years on this "maybe", or you can move on.

[Striver]

Well, the move on and forget about her seems to be the general consensus.

That being said, how does one do that?

I know that right now, I am not in a position to consider dating right away.

The thought of meeting someone new and trying to build what I just had, seems extemely daunting and it actually turns my stomach.

I have a hard time believing that I will ever meet someone who exhibits the same level of passion that she does, which is something I came to realize that I require. Both of us are extremely passionate and sensual. That part of us was was intense and huge. I didn't even know that I had that in me. I discovered that part of me, through her. I also discovered my need to be vulnerable and express, through meeting her.

It's not that I was dumping any of my baggage or insecurities on her. I just thoroughly enjoy letting her know how she made me feel. I enjoyed giving her the attention and love that she returned to me.

So how can I get past that?

How do I do no contact, if she sends me a message and wants to talk?

 

What is the talk going to lead to?

 

Every time you talk to her, you are cementing the status quo that the CURRENT relationship consists solely of talking. I am going to tell you that if she calls, you talk, and the two of you aren't actively moving forward towards Phase 2 of a relationship, it is very, very bad for you. You are setting the grounds for a phone call between the two of you in a couple of months that will be her telling you she's found this wonderful new guy named Not You. Get it?

 

She is not the only woman in the world that is passionate and sensual.

 

I will tell you my experience. My GF and I recently got back together. We have been together close to 3 years. We broke up for about three months. Basically, things were getting stale and I was stonewalling her on some things she had a right to. We talked. She said some things she was disappointed with in the relationship. She sounded hurt more than checked out. We didn't talk for a while after that. She asked for the key to her place back. I was pissed at her about something else, later let the other thing go and said I would send it back. She sent back some texts that were kind of mysterious in an enticing way. I asked if she wanted to talk. We did for a couple of hours and hashed things out. Had a couple more talks after that. Following that it became clear that she was done talking and wanted to resume the relationship. I made a couple more gestures and we got back together.

 

In my situation part of the dynamic was me reading that my GF was still interested in me. Your woman has feelings, she knows what she is doing, how to entice men. All women do.

 

Your woman needs to be giving you some signs in any communication. If she feels free to just talk, nothing moves anywhere than just talk, that is bad, bad, bad, bad, bad for you and your hopes. I really want you to understand that.

 

Sorry you are going through this, even if it's only been a couple of months with her.

[Juha]

That's all it is, sweetie, is you just got punched in the face over something you thought was going well. It hurts, and you can't make sense of it. Your head is still spinning, and you want to continue justifying it, and somehow make the situation workable...but you have no magical powers to change HER and what she's doing or thinking..she ended it. She wants to keep you around as an orbiter, as she expresses her love for you and how well things went while actively avoiding this relationship she misses.<---big red flag.

 

The bottom line here is she called it off. She's too skittish and doesn't know what she's doing or what she wants. Sure, you can hang out for who knows how long while she keeps that carrot dangling in front of you, and you remain hopeful, or you can see the forest for the trees and remove yourself from this situation entirely. You can justify until you're blue in the face. It won't change a thing...she can't offer what you want and need. It started out that way, and it sucks big purple twinkies that she changed her mind or she got cold feet, but it is what it is. You can sniff after her months and years on this "maybe", or you can move on.

 

 

Completely agree with above...

[Ami1uwant]

1) While I agree, there is that initial infatuation that comes with every new relationship, from what she expressed and what I felt, it was more than just infatuation. We are both mature adults, who have been in love before and we both expressed how it felt different than other times.

 

 

 

2) Yes, she has been in a few serious relationships in her past. 2 1/2 year ago, she walked out of her 17 year marriage. Not because her ex wasn't a good man/husband/father, but she realized, through lot of self reflection etc, that she needed something that he was totally unable to ever provide. That something was, emotional vulnerability and an ability to take charge sometimes and draw a hard line with her. She told me that his constant agreeableness, while it worked in her favour, the power it gave her was scary and intimidating. She always had to dig to get his emotional reactions and feelings from him and she needed someone who was free with their emotions and vulnerability. All things which she says she loves about me. That the way I am, is refreshing, but in the same token, it was unfamiliar as she has always had to chase that in the men she dated and the one she married.

She dated a guy, in between her ex and myself. That relationship, she said, started out with him seeming to be relatively open and communicative about his feelings, but part way through, he began to play the game of pulling away and making her "chase", which fell into her typical pattern of "intensive pursuit" and it ended quite poorly. Unfortunately, for me, that break up was only 2-3 mos before we met.

 

 

 

3) She has never been abused. I believe her on this, as she has been very open and honest about anything else I have asked her and she has offered up so many more little private things with me.

 

 

4) She still will tell me from time to time that she does miss me. That she is grateful for having met me and that she does not regret ever falling in love with me. She still wants to take me out for my birthday.

She has shared with me the accounts of her own counseling appointments and what her and the counselor have sort of discovered. She has shared with me some of her own self reflections that she's had, since we broke up. Her thoughts of maybe having self worth issues that made it hard for her to believe that she was worth all the love that poured into her.

 

 

 

The night we met to talk about breaking up, was, as far as break ups go, one of the most beautiful break ups......probably in the history of mankind.

No anger, no yelling or raised voices, no name calling or resentments aired. Just lots of talking and sharing of thoughts and feelings. Lots of tears from us both. Lots of hugs and even some tender kisses. At one point, she hugged me so tight and she completely broke down in uncontrollable sobs, saying over and over again, how sorry she was that she didn't know what was wrong with her that she couldn't just settle into "us".

 

 

Remember, she is a social worker. One who has intensively studied the theories of attachment, and has lately been involved with refugees who have come from being sold to the sex trade by isis as well as little boys who have been tortured and trained by isis. She is well in touch with her own thoughts and feelings, but has struggled with understanding why she can't accept everything I have to offer.

 

 

Thank you for your insight and thoughts. They are well spoke and have given me lots to consider.

 

 

You found her at a bad time. I don’t know what she was...if she had a relationship end before you or was it a marriage that ended.

 

 

Sometimes if people come out of long relationships ir marriages they don’t know they are ready to date until they date.

 

I don’t think she is toying ir okaying with you. I think she ferns not ready to get in a Ltr again.

 

Could there be something with you in your behavior that makes her doubt you are the best person fir her...it’s pisdibke. Some women can be very picky.

[rightondude]

I think you need to take some time off and date someone, anyone else prior to hitching your wagon and your well being to this woman. Doing so will be good for you and may make her oh so difficult decision easier for her.

[OatsAndHall]

He was unwilling to do the counseling and refused to look at himself in any way.

The man didn't even look her in the eyes as they exchanged wedding vows, which she says she should have known then, that he was never going to provide her the emotional side she wanted.

 

 

Look at the big picture here, my friend. She takes no responsibility for her actions in anything she tells you or in the message that she sent you. She manages to wrap everything up in a nice well-spoken bow but at the end, failures in a relationship are her significant other's fault, or due to her IUD, or work, etc..etc.. Hell, it's even her ex's fault that she called it off with you..

 

 

 

She talks about doing "a lot of self-reflection" but all she's reflecting on is what other people can or cannot do for her.

 

 

 

Save yourself some heartache and just detach from this woman.

[coolheadal]

He's drawn to her no matter whats she does or suggest to him. No one here can tell him different. The urge is in him to pursue her at all cost and the end of it you don't have a concrete answer why this is happening to you. No matter how many red flags, how many problems, issues etc this woman is exhibiting in the end he'll forgive and tolerate her reins of dictatorial love for him.

[Lotsgoingon]

You keep saying how the first two months were amazing love and bliss.

 

Well, there are different ways to interpret that short bliss.

 

One ... lots of us can fake it for two months ... as in we can be open or appear to be open and we can give love and be understanding ... for a short while.

 

The real test is 6 months ... a year ... Lots of people can be available for two months ... But they might, just as this woman seems, not have the capacity to refuel themselves, replenish themselves to keep going ... They sorta borrow the energy ... and perform ... and then they crash ... Why? Because the loving and being loved overwhelmed them.

 

Of course, it's great to have things flow smoothly and passionately at the start. But ... there's a ton we don't know when we fall quickly madly in love with someone and they with us ... And one thing you didn't know ... and seem not to accept ... is that she has trouble coping with life. Bursting into tears because friends pulled out their phones ... Excuse me! How about politely asking sharing with your friends that you want to connect ... and that you hope the phones don't get in the way.

 

People checking phones on arrival to a new place doesn't mean they're going to be unavailable the rest of the vacation. Something is off with her ...

 

To me, she sounds like she has a quiet charisma and poise ... and that she's very good with words ... with words explaining why she is not now available to date. Having words to explain why you can't love does NOT equal being capable of being in an intimate relationship ... and doesn't really mean you're on the path towards developing that capability.

 

Look, I get the pain and disappointment and shock when you seem to have a beautiful wonderful thing going ... and then other person pulls away ... But she has pulled away ... that's the bottom line ... Things were going great AND she pulled away.

[lovesickcanuck]

You keep saying how the first two months were amazing love and bliss.

 

Well, there are different ways to interpret that short bliss.

 

One ... lots of us can fake it for two months ... as in we can be open or appear to be open and we can give love and be understanding ... for a short while.

 

The real test is 6 months ... a year ... Lots of people can be available for two months ... But they might, just as this woman seems, not have the capacity to refuel themselves, replenish themselves to keep going ... They sorta borrow the energy ... and perform ... and then they crash ... Why? Because the loving and being loved overwhelmed them.

 

Of course, it's great to have things flow smoothly and passionately at the start. But ... there's a ton we don't know when we fall quickly madly in love with someone and they with us ... And one thing you didn't know ... and seem not to accept ... is that she has trouble coping with life. Bursting into tears because friends pulled out their phones ... Excuse me! How about politely asking sharing with your friends that you want to connect ... and that you hope the phones don't get in the way.

 

People checking phones on arrival to a new place doesn't mean they're going to be unavailable the rest of the vacation. Something is off with her ...

 

To me, she sounds like she has a quiet charisma and poise ... and that she's very good with words ... with words explaining why she is not now available to date. Having words to explain why you can't love does NOT equal being capable of being in an intimate relationship ... and doesn't really mean you're on the path towards developing that capability.

 

Look, I get the pain and disappointment and shock when you seem to have a beautiful wonderful thing going ... and then other person pulls away ... But she has pulled away ... that's the bottom line ... Things were going great AND she pulled away.

 

 

 

 

1) It was 5 mos.

 

 

2) It was her kids that pulled out her phones and yes, she admitted that she is a mess emotionally and that her reaction was based on her loathing of the fact that the kids are so addicted to their phones and what does that spell for their lives and social interactions and their potential to be in relationships themselves.

 

 

3) I don't believe any of it was just talk or an act. If it were, she's deserving of an oscar.

 

 

 

Anyway, we had a brief talk last night and have decided that no contact is probably for the best, for both of us right now.

 

 

 

Problem solved, but not really as far as my heart goes, but I am seeing it as the only way for me to work past this and carry on.

 

Thanks to all who chimed in and offered their advice. It was beneficial and helpful.

[MountainGirl111]

I don't think you're crazy for wanting to wait for this woman. You feel what you feel for her and it sounds like you fell pretty hard. I think perhaps SHE started dating too soon, realistically. I give her credit for being upfront with you in the beginning about wanting to take it slow. But, that tells me she just wasn't truly ready to date. Maybe she thought she was if she could take it slow...She should have waited until she was truly ready. But that's all hindsight now. So where do you go from here? You can wait. And hope. Just be prepared that what you wait for may not materialize...or it may take a longer time than is healthy for you.

[Lotsgoingon]

Oh man five months ... my mistake ...

 

Actually I get the pain and the suspended space you're living in right now. It's like you were in this fabulous dream ... life was great ... and then someone turned on the lights and grabbed you by your hair ... and thew you out into a cold lake without any warning.

 

Your brain doesn't want to go forward ... Your mind wants to go back to the beautiful, magical time together with her ... and another part of your is rechecking to make sure you didn't make all this up ...

 

This is your worst period right now ... the new few months ... No Contact sounds really good ... what NC can do is just help you not worry about how any of your current behavior will affect things will her ...

 

I think ultimately you will have learned a lot from this experience ... about her, about yourself, about relationships ... But you don't want to learn all that right now ... You want to return to the dream ...

 

Take care of yourself during this time ... sleep, exercise, walks, journaling, meditating, reading that inspires you ... Definitely a time to take care of yourself ... and start sharing this experience with people around you ... When I got dumped by someone I really liked, looking back, I think sharing my hurt with more people (guys and women friends) would have helped me get perspective more quickly ... and feel less bummed ... but I had multiple family members in crisis at the time ... so I was already tired ...

 

But I would share this experience. It's amazing the number of people who get into a relationship that feels like it's wonderful ... and then ... often they get dumped and don't get the contact and explanation you got ... They just get real-life ghosted ... I mean a lot of people have experienced that ...

[rightondude]

But I would share this experience. It's amazing the number of people who get into a relationship that feels like it's wonderful ... and then ... often they get dumped and don't get the contact and explanation you got ... They just get real-life ghosted ... I mean a lot of people have experienced that ...

 

yeah no doubt. At least OP got some sort of explanation; whether it's 100% the truth you never know, but it's so much better than just a cold "gonna pretend you don't exist" end to a months long endeavor.