Can anyone relate

[lovesickcanuck]

Here’s my story and I could use a little (make that a lot) of advice.

The woman I was recently dating broke up with me a couple of weeks ago.

The back story:

We met online (wish there were a better story here).

From day 1, the conversation flowed freely and there was never any awkwardness, or feelings of “pulling teeth” to keep it flowing.

After 2 weeks of increasing, feeling charged texting and phone calls, we finally met in person.

All I can say is……..wow! She is beautiful!

We sat and talked for 4 hours that night. I went to her house for dinner the next night, as we couldn’t wait to see each other again.

From the get go, she had told me that she had some reservations and hesitations of entering into a serious, long term relationship, as she had only been single again, for about 2-3 mos. The reason she had gone online, was she was beginning to feel cynical about men and that perhaps the type of man/relationship she had sought her entire adult life, didn’t really exist.

Anyway, we fell fast, furious and head over heels for each other. We shared a like passion for love and the intensity and passion between us was absolutely amazing. She told me, I gave her everything she had been looking for. Honesty, vulnerability, sharing of feelings and thoughts, romance and the passion for her, from me was exactly what she was looking for.

We fit together easy. There was never an awkward moment. Even the first time we were intimate together, there was none of the fumblings and nervousness. It was like we had been together for years.

Fast forward a few months. Her feelings of doubt, hesitation and reservations had begun to take hold of her. We got together almost 3 weeks ago now, and talked about it. Not that it was what I wanted, but we came to the agreement that for now, we needed to call it off. She said she wasn’t ready for a relationship and it wasn’t fair to me, as she knew I was so much more ready.

We’ve stayed in touch and I can tell by her messages and the couple of times we’ve talked on the phone, that she still has feelings for me.

I feel this woman is so worth waiting for and taking the time to let her sort out her feelings. She has expressed to me, that some of her feelings of no trust, may stem from her work with refugees and the trauma they have gone through and experiencing that vicariously through them. She is a social worker, by the way.

Am I crazy for wanting to wait?

Can any women out there relate to this and help me to understand a bit better?

I am a man who has a “need” and “desire” for solutions and answers.

 

 

By the way, we are both in our mid 40's.

[ThreeRainbows]

Read up on avoidant attachment style. If this is a pattern with her, sounds like she has it.

[lovesickcanuck]

Read up on avoidant attachment style. If this is a pattern with her, sounds like she has it.

 

 

 

 

In fact, she is the opposite. She has thoroughly studied attachment. It is her area of expertise in social work.

 

She is of the type of intensive pursuit. This was something that she was trying to break the mold of as it always led her into less than desirable relationships.

 

 

 

While we were together, she was very open and honest with her feelings. She would never hesitate to tell me how great I made her feel, but that she had reservations of long term because of her struggle with never having been in a relationship with someone who offered her what I do and that even though it was exactly what she was looking for, it was strange and unfamiliar.

Her ex husband of 17 years was emotionally unavailable.

 

The guy she dated between the ex husband and I, began as someone who seemed to give her what she needed but after a few months, he began making her pursue him and dig to get what she needed.

 

 

I know she still has those strong feelings of love for me.

 

I know she was truthful and honest, when she said no one had ever made her feel like I do and that no one has ever seen her the way I do.

 

 

She said, she has always had a fear of being alone, and that for herself, she needs to realize that she can be ok, being alone.

 

 

 

I'm just wondering if I'm crazy to wait for her to figure it out. I have never, ever met someone as beautiful and as passionate as she is. We fit together so perfectly and she said the same thing.

[Normm]

I'm just wondering if I'm crazy to wait for her to figure it out. I have never, ever met someone as beautiful and as passionate as she is. We fit together so perfectly and she said the same thing.

 

 

I wouldn't sit around waiting for her to figure it out. Could be months or years if ever. And when she DOES figure it out, she might come to the conclusion that you are just one of many guys that she fell for hot and heavy and it's not really what she wants.

 

 

Doesn't mean you have to completely cut her out of your life. Get back out there, keep on dating, and if she wants back in she knows where to find you. Since she was the one who ended it, it's on her to reach out to you. Don't go chasing after her.

[mortensorchid]

I have a few things to say about this situation …

 

1) Infatuation - Infatuation is the first 6-9 months you are with someone. Even instantaneous lust falls under that. And it wears off over time. And when it does, you better like that person that you're with. Not love, just LIKE them. And it sounds like she is one of those people who may or may not perpetually do this. It's more common for men to do this than women, but that's another story.

 

2) Her past - How much to you know about this woman's past? Has she been married before? Has she had a lot of serious relationships in the past? You say you are both in your 40s so I would assume yes. But, in this day and age, you never know anymore. I wish I had a dollar for how many times I had been in the beginnings of a relationship with someone, then infatuation wore off and they dump me with that classic "I love you, I'm just not in love with you". And I'm like "that's the best you can do? Wow …"

 

3) Abuse - Has she been abused? Has she been hurt by others? If so, do you know about it? There are reasons behind every action and that may be some of them.

 

4) Other things that she said - What has she said that may hint at something? She may have said things here and there that showed you her "true colors".

[ThreeRainbows]

Ok, so you're saying she is insecure/preoccupied? That would be the opposite.

 

 

Could be. Often times people who are not securely attached are actually both. They swing preoccupied when their partner is unavailable, and swing avoidant when their partner is more attached.

 

 

 

She does have classic signs of avoidant attachment with you.

Never ever finding the right fit, you're the "only one" who's made her feel this way, and then she bolts.

 

 

Avoidant.

[Juha]

Well, sorry to read about what happened with this woman.

 

It was such a short time I would say she is not in love with you, too short of a period for that.

 

It's unfortunate she is the one causing herself problems and keeping herself unhappy from finding what she wants.

 

sounds like her issues are pretty substantial and is over thinking things with you and can't just live in the moment and be happy with you.

 

There is nothing you can do, this is all on her to figure out/

You need to not be friends, not be in contact with this woman. It will just hold you back. you need to tell her how you feel, what you would like with her, and tell her if/when she figures things out to get in touch because you would really like to explore a relationship with her.

 

Then you do not contact her ever as there is nothing you can do to make things better or happen. She needs to want you and come to you.

She may never figure things out or get better. If you sit around waiting for her where does that leave you? Stuck waiting on a woman who is messed up and you just wasted who knows how long when you could have been meeting other woman who may be even better with yo than this one...

 

I am sorry to see that she can't be in any type of relationship with you, it's unfortunate, especially when yo have such a great connection together.

 

I wish you luck

[Normm]

If you do nothing else, take a lesson from this experience. Relationships that start of hot and heavy tend to burn out quickly. You need to pace yourself regardless of how great everything seems to be going.

[littleblackheart]

You're not crazy for wanting to wait, but it'd be foolish on your part to actually wait.

 

 

She says she isn't ready for a relationship, ergo she isn't ready for a relationship. Maybe she felt pressure, maybe it's her job but the bottom line is that she is not available to you right now.

 

Don't hold on to her for fear of not finding someone else; you will, if that's what you want.

 

Live your own life - there's nothing more pressurising than knowing someone is putting their life on hold waiting for you to 'see the light'; that's how I would see it anyway.

[Lotsgoingon]

In my experience, waiting rarely works. And people who say they aren't ready (and I would say this sometimes) ... just aren't into us that much ... or aren't really open to intimacy.

 

Sounds like she does like you. She surrendered to the passion for a few months, but once that hot passion passed she was back to where she always was: kinda closed, maybe afraid to fully open up with you.

 

BTW: this is not a slight against you ... she may really have trouble managing her feelings and her work and being intimate with someone at the same time. She may, for example, need a guy who is more distant than you are because she doesn't manage intimacy well.

 

I know it hurts like hell ... it's disorienting for things to be passionate for a few months ... and you feel so great ... so connected, so together ... but ... probably best to feel the hurt, let her go ...

 

You really don't want to assume another person will change ... typically best to make a judgment based on who they are and how they are acting right now--even if that judgment hurts. She seems to have deep issues ... those don't change in a few months.

[lovesickcanuck]

I have a few things to say about this situation …

 

1) Infatuation - Infatuation is the first 6-9 months you are with someone. Even instantaneous lust falls under that. And it wears off over time. And when it does, you better like that person that you're with. Not love, just LIKE them. And it sounds like she is one of those people who may or may not perpetually do this. It's more common for men to do this than women, but that's another story.

 

2) Her past - How much to you know about this woman's past? Has she been married before? Has she had a lot of serious relationships in the past? You say you are both in your 40s so I would assume yes. But, in this day and age, you never know anymore. I wish I had a dollar for how many times I had been in the beginnings of a relationship with someone, then infatuation wore off and they dump me with that classic "I love you, I'm just not in love with you". And I'm like "that's the best you can do? Wow …"

 

3) Abuse - Has she been abused? Has she been hurt by others? If so, do you know about it? There are reasons behind every action and that may be some of them.

 

4) Other things that she said - What has she said that may hint at something? She may have said things here and there that showed you her "true colors".

 

 

 

 

1) While I agree, there is that initial infatuation that comes with every new relationship, from what she expressed and what I felt, it was more than just infatuation. We are both mature adults, who have been in love before and we both expressed how it felt different than other times.

 

 

 

2) Yes, she has been in a few serious relationships in her past. 2 1/2 year ago, she walked out of her 17 year marriage. Not because her ex wasn't a good man/husband/father, but she realized, through lot of self reflection etc, that she needed something that he was totally unable to ever provide. That something was, emotional vulnerability and an ability to take charge sometimes and draw a hard line with her. She told me that his constant agreeableness, while it worked in her favour, the power it gave her was scary and intimidating. She always had to dig to get his emotional reactions and feelings from him and she needed someone who was free with their emotions and vulnerability. All things which she says she loves about me. That the way I am, is refreshing, but in the same token, it was unfamiliar as she has always had to chase that in the men she dated and the one she married.

She dated a guy, in between her ex and myself. That relationship, she said, started out with him seeming to be relatively open and communicative about his feelings, but part way through, he began to play the game of pulling away and making her "chase", which fell into her typical pattern of "intensive pursuit" and it ended quite poorly. Unfortunately, for me, that break up was only 2-3 mos before we met.

 

 

 

3) She has never been abused. I believe her on this, as she has been very open and honest about anything else I have asked her and she has offered up so many more little private things with me.

 

 

4) She still will tell me from time to time that she does miss me. That she is grateful for having met me and that she does not regret ever falling in love with me. She still wants to take me out for my birthday.

She has shared with me the accounts of her own counseling appointments and what her and the counselor have sort of discovered. She has shared with me some of her own self reflections that she's had, since we broke up. Her thoughts of maybe having self worth issues that made it hard for her to believe that she was worth all the love that poured into her.

 

 

 

The night we met to talk about breaking up, was, as far as break ups go, one of the most beautiful break ups......probably in the history of mankind.

No anger, no yelling or raised voices, no name calling or resentments aired. Just lots of talking and sharing of thoughts and feelings. Lots of tears from us both. Lots of hugs and even some tender kisses. At one point, she hugged me so tight and she completely broke down in uncontrollable sobs, saying over and over again, how sorry she was that she didn't know what was wrong with her that she couldn't just settle into "us".

 

 

Remember, she is a social worker. One who has intensively studied the theories of attachment, and has lately been involved with refugees who have come from being sold to the sex trade by isis as well as little boys who have been tortured and trained by isis. She is well in touch with her own thoughts and feelings, but has struggled with understanding why she can't accept everything I have to offer.

 

 

Thank you for your insight and thoughts. They are well spoke and have given me lots to consider.

[GemmaUK]

She sounds pretty clued up with what she does and doesn't want.

I think this dating scenario over whelmed her so she's let you down easy.

All too fast too soon and she realised the future implications of that.

[Lotsgoingon]

Just to be clear, studying an issue ... say attachment ... and having the issue resolved in a healthy way in your own life are two entire different enterprises.

 

Psychologists treating people with trauma are not somehow healed of their own trauma ... If they have trauma, they need to go to therapy and work on it like everyone else. Doctors can be out-of-shape, non-exercising ... and often delay treatment because they hesitate going to a doctor, as would be smart. I have friends with mothers who are nurses ... who frequently claim their moms are the most unresponsive people they know to their (the children's) pain.

 

Your friend's work with people with trauma--her research, her familiarity with the topic--means absolutely nothing about how well she has managed her own emotional traumas.

 

Nothing.

 

Zero.

 

Doesn't work like that. In fact, if anything, her knowledge works against her ... because people often with a lot of knowledge about a subject can get tripped up by hubris ... and underestimate how much a problem in that subject affects them.

 

I once took a course on oil changing from an auto mechanic who admitted he was terrible at regularly changing the oil on his car. Why? Because unlike the rest of us, he was too cocky, too much of an expert, to take his car in for service by someone else.

 

The result: he delayed changing the oil and was always behind. Expertise in an area ... does not mean you can carry out that expertise in your own life.

 

Btw: her explanation for her divorce is one of the strangest, most convoluted and most unconvincing explanations I have ever heard. She left the marriage because she had too much power? Are you kidding me? I'd need a better explanation for why she left a 17-year marriage than that she had too much power ... if I were to date someone. And so your strategy with her would be what?: to argue with her all the time? To make her feel more accountable? Puh-lease!

 

When she comes up with a better story than that ... and it will be a simpler story ... (she lost interest ... just thought he was uninteresting ... lost her attraction ... grew apart) then she's perhaps ready to date again.

 

She's throwing up a fog of confusion ... and trying to hide behind the cloud of fake complexity. Let her go ...

[lovesickcanuck]

Just to be clear, studying an issue ... say attachment ... and having the issue resolved in a healthy way in your own life are two entire different enterprises.

 

Psychologists treating people with trauma are not somehow healed of their own trauma ... If they have trauma, they need to go to therapy and work on it like everyone else. Doctors can be out-of-shape, non-exercising ... and often delay treatment because they hesitate going to a doctor, as would be smart. I have friends with mothers who are nurses ... who frequently claim their moms are the most unresponsive people they know to their (the children's) pain.

 

Your friend's work with people with trauma--her research, her familiarity with the topic--means absolutely nothing about how well she has managed her own emotional traumas.

 

Nothing.

 

Zero.

 

Doesn't work like that. In fact, if anything, her knowledge works against her ... because people often with a lot of knowledge about a subject can get tripped up by hubris ... and underestimate how much a problem in that subject affects them.

 

I once took a course on oil changing from an auto mechanic who admitted he was terrible at regularly changing the oil on his car. Why? Because unlike the rest of us, he was too cocky, too much of an expert, to take his car in for service by someone else.

 

The result: he delayed changing the oil and was always behind. Expertise in an area ... does not mean you can carry out that expertise in your own life.

 

Btw: her explanation for her divorce is one of the strangest, most convoluted and most unconvincing explanations I have ever heard. She left the marriage because she had too much power? Are you kidding me? I'd need a better explanation for why she left a 17-year marriage than that she had too much power ... if I were to date someone. And so your strategy with her would be what?: to argue with her all the time? To make her feel more accountable? Puh-lease!

 

When she comes up with a better story than that ... and it will be a simpler story ... (she lost interest ... just thought he was uninteresting ... lost her attraction ... grew apart) then she's perhaps ready to date again.

 

She's throwing up a fog of confusion ... and trying to hide behind the cloud of fake complexity. Let her go ...

 

 

 

 

Your first part about her work is exactly what she has said.

She and her counselor both think that she has developed issues of her own because of her work. That is something she has said she is in need of working on. Sorting all of it out, as she believes it is part of what has held her back. It's part of what has put her into a bit of a funk.

 

 

As for leaving the marriage, she didn't say she left because she had too much power. Having too much power, is something she has considered after much self reflection, since having left. The reason she left, was that he didn't offer her what she needed emotionally and after 17 years, she realized he had never offered it to her. She always had to dig with him, to see how he felt and even then he never was too clear. He had no vulnerability. She told me, the day they got married, as he said his vows to her, he wouldn't even look her in the eye. She said, in hindsight, she should have known then, but of course, like all relationships, she thought she could change that about him.

 

That's why I'm suffering the confusion. I gave her all of that. Vulnerability, ease of sharing of my feelings and thoughts and she reciprocated, wholeheartedly.

 

I'm just wondering if it was just too soon after the guy in between her husband and I and that the speed with which we fell for each other unsettled her, because of me being what she wanted, but it was also unfamiliar because she had never had it before.

 

 

 

 

I read an article that had a tagline that said:

 

 

"Maybe now is not the time to be her boyfriend, maybe right now is time to be her what if"

 

 

I guess that is all I can hope for. That one day, in the not so distant future, she will wake up and say "what if".

Edited August 5, 2018 by lovesickcanuck

[act00]

First of all, I don't think it would be bad of you to "wait"...sort of. The thing is, you need to move on from her. No "just friends." Pick one. You can let her know that when she feels she is ready, she can look you up, and until then, you will no longer talk. You go about your life and keep dating other women. You can't keep this woman in your life and try to meet "the one," as you will always consider how great things were with her in a comparison, and this will be worse if you maintain contact, making it more difficult to let go of her and move on. Go NC, and if she comes back around, and you haven't met that special someone, then feel free to see if the second time works out better than the first. In the meantime, consider this relationship permanently over...no what ifs or maybe's. Its over.

 

The second time rarely works out much differently than the first, but I have done it. I would rather know I tried than wonder what could have happened. That's just me. I met a really great guy and we hit it off so well, I was definitely feeling like this could be love...time will tell. It was well worth it to me when he resurfaced. But the same thing happened....and it ended. Would I go for round three? Hard to say. I was that drawn to him.

 

This woman sounds a little unrealistic in her expectations. As a whole, men tend to be less expressive. They don't gab and talk about feelings the way women do, and there will be many times women have to draw out what is wrong. I'm not sure if she's expecting a BFF/therapist with a penis or not. Neither of you can expect that other people will be that comfortable being an "open book" all the time with their feelings, let along talking and gabbing constantly about every little thing going on in their life.

 

She was getting what she supposedly wants with you, but still pulled back. Maybe it was the timing of a recent breakup, or maybe there's something else that is causing this to not move forward; something not quite identified, as you never really got out of that honeymoon phase. Relationships that burn hot in the beginning tend to burn out just as quickly.

 

There's more to the picture here, but you haven't been together long enough to see the "real her." This is part of where you're stuck because you split during that hot and honeymoon phase, so you're stuck in that new, shiny, excitement...nothing had a chance to get real...when flaws and incompatibilities start to show.

 

I guess it's not so much waiting as it is being *open* to another try again at some point in the future. In the meantime, I think you need to not be her BFF, and focus on getting back to your life and seeing other women. If she keeps her foot in the door and keeps you as an orbiter, it's going to be very difficult for you, and it will impede your ability to move on...especially when she openly expresses how great things were and what "could be." Consider her a thing of the past, and if at some point she feels she's ready, she knows how to reach you.

[lovesickcanuck]

First of all, I don't think it would be bad of you to "wait"...sort of. The thing is, you need to move on from her. No "just friends." Pick one. You can let her know that when she feels she is ready, she can look you up, and until then, you will no longer talk. You go about your life and keep dating other women. You can't keep this woman in your life and try to meet "the one," as you will always consider how great things were with her in a comparison, and this will be worse if you maintain contact, making it more difficult to let go of her and move on. Go NC, and if she comes back around, and you haven't met that special someone, then feel free to see if the second time works out better than the first. In the meantime, consider this relationship permanently over...no what ifs or maybe's. Its over.

 

The second time rarely works out much differently than the first, but I have done it. I would rather know I tried than wonder what could have happened. That's just me. I met a really great guy and we hit it off so well, I was definitely feeling like this could be love...time will tell. It was well worth it to me when he resurfaced. But the same thing happened....and it ended. Would I go for round three? Hard to say. I was that drawn to him.

 

This woman sounds a little unrealistic in her expectations. As a whole, men tend to be less expressive. They don't gab and talk about feelings the way women do, and there will be many times women have to draw out what is wrong. I'm not sure if she's expecting a BFF/therapist with a penis or not. Neither of you can expect that other people will be that comfortable being an "open book" all the time with their feelings, let along talking and gabbing constantly about every little thing going on in their life.

 

She was getting what she supposedly wants with you, but still pulled back. Maybe it was the timing of a recent breakup, or maybe there's something else that is causing this to not move forward; something not quite identified, as you never really got out of that honeymoon phase. Relationships that burn hot in the beginning tend to burn out just as quickly.

 

There's more to the picture here, but you haven't been together long enough to see the "real her." This is part of where you're stuck because you split during that hot and honeymoon phase, so you're stuck in that new, shiny, excitement...nothing had a chance to get real...when flaws and incompatibilities start to show.

 

I guess it's not so much waiting as it is being *open* to another try again at some point in the future. In the meantime, I think you need to not be her BFF, and focus on getting back to your life and seeing other women. If she keeps her foot in the door and keeps you as an orbiter, it's going to be very difficult for you, and it will impede your ability to move on...especially when she openly expresses how great things were and what "could be." Consider her a thing of the past, and if at some point she feels she's ready, she knows how to reach you.

 

 

 

 

That's the thing. I did emotionally give her what she was looking for and it was returned to me in full. I discovered, through being with her, that I am a man who needs to express. I enjoyed the vulnerability and being able to tell her all my thoughts and feelings, without being judged, or analyzed.

That is who I am and I had stuffed it away for since I was a teen.

 

So, I don't think her expectations are overly unrealistic. I also realize, that the way I am is a bit of an anomaly, with being of the male gender, which in turn is why I have the hope that she will one day come to the realization that I am her what if.

 

 

 

I know it seems like it was fast for the two of us to have seemingly fallen in love, but it was truly that. From the first time we met, there was never any awkwardness. Absolutely none. We both felt like we had known each other for a long time and we fit into each other, almost perfectly. I've been down the falling in love road before. I have experienced the lust that seems like love before and the honeymoon phase of shiny and new. This was totally different.

[lovesickcanuck]

Here are a couple of direct quotes of the last few messages she has shared with me.

 

 

 

 

"Had a bit of a reflection regarding my self worth. I am wondering if I had difficulty trusting you because in some way....I didn't believe I deserved what you had to give.Perhaps something I need to work on. I have been with men who I gave so much to and who gave me so very little in return. I want to know why, but I alo want to get to a point where I can accept those things coming back to me, when they are given. Not a small feat, I'm sure."

 

 

 

 

"I think my work has really had an impact on me. We went to the movies last night and they showed the trailer for Welcome to Marwin. I started bawling through the trailer. Today, when I asked the girls to ditch their phones for the week at the cottage, they panicked at the thought. I burst into tears at the thought of how addicted they are. Then all I could think about was the state of the future with all of these kids addicted to their phones....the violence against women that is on the rise and the mental health crisis...I felt so overwhelmed. I wanted to find a place in the world where I could crawl under a rock with my girls and not come out.

I was also spotting. I think it might be time to change my IUD. So my emotional state could be hormonal too."

[act00]

That's the thing. I did emotionally give her what she was looking for and it was returned to me in full. I discovered, through being with her, that I am a man who needs to express. I enjoyed the vulnerability and being able to tell her all my thoughts and feelings, without being judged, or analyzed.

That is who I am and I had stuffed it away for since I was a teen.

 

So, I don't think her expectations are overly unrealistic. I also realize, that the way I am is a bit of an anomaly, with being of the male gender, which in turn is why I have the hope that she will one day come to the realization that I am her what if.

 

I know it seems like it was fast for the two of us to have seemingly fallen in love, but it was truly that. From the first time we met, there was never any awkwardness. Absolutely none. We both felt like we had known each other for a long time and we fit into each other, almost perfectly. I've been down the falling in love road before. I have experienced the lust that seems like love before and the honeymoon phase of shiny and new. This was totally different.

 

You're still in that honeymoon bliss. You don't really know her, so of course you're feeling especially wounded and it's harder to let go. I have been there; I understand.

 

You also seem like maybe you're a little too emotional and sensitive...maybe that's part of the problem...she wants someone who's more open, but at the same time, she wants a little more "strong and silent type." Maybe she likes having someone who will listen to her, but she doesn't want so much of the burden of doing the same in return, taking on his emotions and issues. She wants her man to be especially attentive to her needs and listen to her and what's going on with her, her life, her insecurities, but she can't do the same in return...she wants someone more open...and doesn't.

 

The reality is, I don't know. I'm still a little infatuated with this guy I met a couple years ago...things went so well, in my mind, but he ghosted. Then he resurfaced...I was ready to try again. I was excited to have another chance. Same result on round two. Frankly, I don't know what he wants, but the fact we never exited out of the honeymoon phase, leaves me still stuck in that infatuation and feelings of love and that this could go somewhere. It's a hard place to be because you never had the opportunity to see flaws and incompatibilities.

 

I almost wonder if she has shied away because she likes the openness as it pertains to her and her struggles or having you openly express how you feel about her, but she doesn't like having to take on the burden of your struggles and things going on in your life, big or small, silly or serious, funny antics or struggles with work or bills, insecurities, or an interesting topic you read about. One-sided. Emotional people can be exhausting unless you both exist on the same page, and there's always an ebb and flow. It feels to me that she wants a certain person, but it turns out the burden of such a person is too much when she has her own struggles...she doesn't know what she wants.

 

You can keep justifying her behavior...you'll be better off realizing that this is over. If she resurfaces, fine, try again, but don't hang around as an orbiter, waiting on her. NC and move on. She knows how to reach you.

[Striver]

2) Yes, she has been in a few serious relationships in her past. 2 1/2 year ago, she walked out of her 17 year marriage. Not because her ex wasn't a good man/husband/father, but she realized, through lot of self reflection etc, that she needed something that he was totally unable to ever provide. That something was, emotional vulnerability and an ability to take charge sometimes and draw a hard line with her. She told me that his constant agreeableness, while it worked in her favour, the power it gave her was scary and intimidating. She always had to dig to get his emotional reactions and feelings from him and she needed someone who was free with their emotions and vulnerability. All things which she says she loves about me. That the way I am, is refreshing, but in the same token, it was unfamiliar as she has always had to chase that in the men she dated and the one she married.

She dated a guy, in between her ex and myself. That relationship, she said, started out with him seeming to be relatively open and communicative about his feelings, but part way through, he began to play the game of pulling away and making her "chase", which fell into her typical pattern of "intensive pursuit" and it ended quite poorly. Unfortunately, for me, that break up was only 2-3 mos before we met.

 

She has told you everything you need to know here.

 

You are just going to be another one of her stories. "He seemed really open and honest, but then blah blah blah it had to end." I am telling you this right now.

 

This woman walked away from a 17 year marriage to a guy who really seems like a pretty good guy. She is going to find fault with you, already has. Some reason to pull away. Already has.

 

Have your grieving period and MOVE ON.

[lovesickcanuck]

Well, the move on and forget about her seems to be the general consensus.

That being said, how does one do that?

I know that right now, I am not in a position to consider dating right away.

The thought of meeting someone new and trying to build what I just had, seems extemely daunting and it actually turns my stomach.

I have a hard time believing that I will ever meet someone who exhibits the same level of passion that she does, which is something I came to realize that I require. Both of us are extremely passionate and sensual. That part of us was was intense and huge. I didn't even know that I had that in me. I discovered that part of me, through her. I also discovered my need to be vulnerable and express, through meeting her.

It's not that I was dumping any of my baggage or insecurities on her. I just thoroughly enjoy letting her know how she made me feel. I enjoyed giving her the attention and love that she returned to me.

So how can I get past that?

How do I do no contact, if she sends me a message and wants to talk?

[mtnlaurel]

I mean unless you've got tons of other women beating your door down it wouldn't hurt to give her "some" time. Not forever. Even if you started dating again, if your feelings for her are as you say then you probably won't be successful at finding someone other than for the now. I hope it works out for you the way you want it too.

[lovesickcanuck]

I mean unless you've got tons of other women beating your door down it wouldn't hurt to give her "some" time. Not forever. Even if you started dating again, if your feelings for her are as you say then you probably won't be successful at finding someone other than for the now. I hope it works out for you the way you want it too.

 

Haha. No plethora of women beating down my door. I don't know that I have it in me to give her forever, but based on her recent sharing of her own reflections and insight, it has been hard not to hold onto a glimmer of hope that she truly is just struggling to figure her own junk out.

She told me, that she told me during our discussion of breaking up, that she's always feared being alone and that she needs to figure out that she can be alone and can do it on her own, before entering back into being in a relationship.

[OatsAndHall]

 

Yes, she has been in a few serious relationships in her past. 2 1/2 year ago, she walked out of her 17 year marriage. Not because her ex wasn't a good man/husband/father, but she realized, through lot of self reflection etc, that she needed something that he was totally unable to ever provide. That something was, emotional vulnerability and an ability to take charge sometimes and draw a hard line with her. She told me that his constant agreeableness, while it worked in her favour, the power it gave her was scary and intimidating. She always had to dig to get his emotional reactions and feelings from him and she needed someone who was free with their emotions and vulnerability. All things which she says she loves about me. That the way I am, is refreshing, but in the same token, it was unfamiliar as she has always had to chase that in the men she dated and the one she married.

 

 

Read what you've written about her marriage very carefully, put yourself in the shoes of her ex-husband and then ask yourself if you want to wait. This is a woman that walked out of a nearly twenty year marriage because her husband wasn't "emotionally available" and "too agreeable"...

[lovesickcanuck]

Read what you've written about her marriage very carefully, put yourself in the shoes of her ex-husband and then ask yourself if you want to wait. This is a woman that walked out of a nearly twenty year marriage because her husband wasn't "emotionally available" and "too agreeable"...

 

 

Why is it a bad thing to leave a relationship that didn't provide for you emotionally? The man did not provide what she required on an emotional level. How do you remain in love with someone who doesn't give you what you need?

That is a great fear of mine. She did provide what I need, emotionally. Something that I have never experienced, having been married to an alcoholic who made everything about herself and I never got the love returned to me the way I needed. Now that I have experienced it with this other woman, and it exceeded my expectations and met my passion and intensity head on, I have doubts that another woman will be able to fill that requirement of mine.

[Juha]

Here are a couple of direct quotes of the last few messages she has shared with me.

 

 

 

 

"Had a bit of a reflection regarding my self worth. I am wondering if I had difficulty trusting you because in some way....I didn't believe I deserved what you had to give.Perhaps something I need to work on. I have been with men who I gave so much to and who gave me so very little in return. I want to know why, but I alo want to get to a point where I can accept those things coming back to me, when they are given. Not a small feat, I'm sure."

 

 

 

 

"I think my work has really had an impact on me. We went to the movies last night and they showed the trailer for Welcome to Marwin. I started bawling through the trailer. Today, when I asked the girls to ditch their phones for the week at the cottage, they panicked at the thought. I burst into tears at the thought of how addicted they are. Then all I could think about was the state of the future with all of these kids addicted to their phones....the violence against women that is on the rise and the mental health crisis...I felt so overwhelmed. I wanted to find a place in the world where I could crawl under a rock with my girls and not come out.

I was also spotting. I think it might be time to change my IUD. So my emotional state could be hormonal too."

 

 

 

Just reading these two messages from her shows she is a mess.

 

Dode, do your self a favor and forget this woman.

It will be nothing but drama 24/7 She seems like the type who has her perfect relationship/man in her mind but will find a reason or reasons that any man is not good enough..

 

I know you have feelings for her, this is still the beginnings of the relationship. If it is full of this drama now what do you think if you two ever got into a serious real relationship?

 

Go out and find a woman that is not messed up and is actually looking for a real relationship not a fantasy one in her head...

 

I wish you luck