It was perfect until his nan died, now he's turned nasty and I'm heartbroken

[Sophiaaaaaa]

Sorry this is a long one but I'd really appreciate some advice please.

 

My boyfriend and I had been together almost five months but have known each other for about a year. We work in the same place but in different departments. There'd always been a spark and he'd tried pursuing me but I hadn't taken any interest to begin with. We got closer around xmas time and started dating in February. We had the most amazing relationship. We both had said that we had a stronger bond than we'd ever had with anyone else. We tackled any problems together as a team (as I do tend to get a bit insecure) and I can honestly say we trusted and loved each other so much. We both commented about how easy it was and how much we just click. Despite us both being super busy we spent an awful lot of time together and were very loved up. A couple of months in he expressed that he wanted us to save up to buy a house together next year. This sounds crazy and we were both aware of that but we were also extremely certain that it was what we wanted. We get on extremely well with each others families and friends - often spending time with them too. Everything was perfect - I'd even gotten to the point that I was completely secure in the relationship...any slight niggle I had was quickly extinguished because I knew he loved me.

 

Until his nan died. She'd been ill for a while but was recovering and then died suddenly. The first thing he did when he found out was call me just to "hear my voice" and say that he was going home to see his parents but that he'd need me that evening and told me he loved me. Within a few hours he'd decided that he didn't want to meet up. From this point on things weren't the same. We didn't spend as much time together and he seemed to withdraw from everything he enjoys.

After the funeral (which he didnt want me to attend) we spoke and eventually he broke down. Asked me what was wrong with him, wanted cuddling and comforting and said he'd been struggling to deal with it so had shut everything out. We spoke it through - how he was feeling about everything and it seemed to help. He said in the past when he'd felt like this (depressed for want of a better term) that he'd ended relationships and changed jobs. He'd been looking at other jobs recently and I reminded him he loves his job and he said yeah he does.. and that he thought about ending things with us too but that he couldn't even bear to think about that. That he couldn't lose me. This was followed by a week of closeness.

 

Then he began to withdraw again. We'd barely seen each other and he'd stopped ringing me on his daily commute home - something we both used to cherish. He had said to me three days before that he loved me and that he'd been chatting with some of his friends and they were moaning about their girlfriends and he'd said that he was happy and told me he was so lucky to have me. I said that we were lucky to have each other. A couple of days later I had stated that something felt wrong and we agreed to meet up. He turned up shaking and crying and said he wanted to end it. That he didnt love me anymore, didnt feel a spark/connection, saw me as more of a friend. By the end of the conversation he had changed his mind and we agreed to try to make it work, to go back to spending more time together like we used to. He had admitted that he felt embarrassed about not dealing with his Nan dying, that people die all of the time and it shouldn't affect him like this. That he doesn't want to get up to go to work in the mornings. That he will be speaking to someone and then wants them to F*** off for no reason. That he doesnt enjoy his hobbies. That he has felt numb and that he had let himself go physically. His Mum had suggested that he see a councillor and I talked him into this - he rang to make an appointment with his GP and has been referred.

 

For the following week it was amazing. We spent time doing everyday things together - washing the cars, baking cakes for work, going to the gym, and just hanging out. I was scared about being intimate with him after him saying there was no connection but when the time came it was just like old times. I had asked him how he felt - and we aren't the type of couple to ever lie and I asked him to be honest and that I knew it might not be a quick fix. He told me he was really glad that we'd decided to try, that he regretted what he said, that he did feel a connection and that he trusts me more than anyone and takes me for granted.

 

Within 24hrs I got upset at him (was feeling insecure as he basically made me feel like I couldn't go to a work event) and he told me it was over. That he doesnt want us. That he wants to go travelling and focus on work and doesnt want a relationship. That we dont work. That we dont have enough in common. We spoke at length and he made it absolutely clear that he is still closer to me than anyone else and wants to remain friends.

 

This all happened around a month ago. Since this my ex has turned into a completely different person. When he ended it he was clearly upset but said he still wanted to stay friends etc. In the following few days I’d sent him a very long message basically saying that I wanted us to sort everything out and I want to be there for him through whatever he is going through. I then saw him after a work event and asked if I could have a quick word - to which he was pretty rude and took the attitude of “I’m done with us. I don’t want to talk” etc etc and was just generally cold and annoyed.

 

There was a work night out a few days later and I knew he was getting the last train home from it so I went for drinks with a friend and met up with the work lot after he had left. Whilst there I got a lot of attention from some guys we met out - three of which tried to give me their numbers and I declined (I literally did nothing with any of them apart from group dancing/chatting). Everyone was pretty drunk and my work mates tried to encourage me to go there, my ex’s friend even asked why I wouldn’t and I replied because I want my ex back, because I love him. His response was “but have you seen that last guy? He looks like god compared to your ex!” - and that’s coming from his friend, charming right? Bearing in mind this friend also tried to ask me out before my ex and I got together.

 

After all of this I text my ex what had happened that night and stressed that I did absolutely nothing, that I want him back - purely because my workplace is Chinese whispers and you can guarantee that by the end of day Monday half the people would probably be saying I slept with them. He didn’t reply and I found out that same day that he was on tinder. I was so upset at this - especially after having been loyal that I downloaded it myself and quickly started speaking to a very nice guy and arranged a date with him.

 

Turns out this guy is best mates with the bloke my ex plays golf with so figured I should tell him before someone else did. I’d also said to tell me if he didnt want me to go and I wouldn’t but that I wasnt going to wait around if he wasn’t. I’ve had absolutely no contact from him since apart from a rather nasty message telling me to move on and that he is mentally fine now. There was another night out before the summer that I did not attend. The bloke I had been on a couple of dates with saw my work lot out and knows one of the guys so was chatting to him. My ex saw this and I’m assuming recognised the guy and later that evening pulled one of the girls in my department* away from the group and told her he had feelings for her. She told him a million and one reasons why it’ll never happen between them and thinks he’s a creep. He also blocked me on facebook that night.

 

*this girl was someone that I’d been quite insecure about during our relationship. During a Christmas work do (before we got together) my ex had text me asking where I was and I’d replied that I wasn’t going. He ended up kissing one of the girls that night, and then also kissing this girl in my department (although he was so drunk that he didnt remember and the boys had to tell him the next day). After this on his way home he’d been drunk texting me. During our relationship I’d been a little insecure about her even though he gave me no reason to be and had said that all the guys think she’s a slut when she’s drunk because she just gets with anyone.

 

I was extremely angry when I found out he’d tried it on with her and told him so but he has ignored any communication from me. He isnt even ‘reading’ my messages anymore.

 

Previous to finding out I’d been away on holiday and he had been watching my snapchat story daily during this time for my updates.

 

I can’t make sense of the situation. Is this all because he is still grieving? Everyone that knows him said he’s acted like a completely different person towards me.

I still love him and I want to work through this all with him but he’s turned so nasty and it hurts. I just want it to go back to how it was. We don't go back to work for a few weeks but I'm worried about how I'll deal with that. My work friends are all close to him also. I dont think I can cope with seeing him.

[preraph]

Get him to a psychologist now. He may be wanting to throw everything away simply because he is depressed and overwhelmed and has no capacity to deal with his job or anyone else. So get him into counseling.

[marky00]

You may have been a source of comfort whilst his nan was sick. He was in "caring" mode himself and needed to be cared for by someone else in return. I don't mean he was a carer in the literal sense but rather he may have been worried about her plight in the background for months.

 

Now that she has died, that whole dynamic was turned on its head.

 

I could be wrong but see such things on LS all the time. One of the ways to avoid such problems is to pick people who aren't dealing with issues Sounds selfish but then you are seeing people in their best/normal element rather than someone who is looking for a nurse etc.

 

I realise you probably didn't know all this in the early stages. But the red flag was probably there for quite a while.

 

It is also possible he is self-sabotaging but since I've done that myself I wouldn't have been able to end a relationship permanently with someone I loved. Within a few days or so, i'd realise what I had done and tried to fix it.

Edited August 5, 2018 by marky00

[CKJD]

Get him to a psychologist now. He may be wanting to throw everything away simply because he is depressed and overwhelmed and has no capacity to deal with his job or anyone else. So get him into counseling.

 

It's not her responsibility anymore. He's being quite rude to her too so I think anymore doting on him at this point is just going to end up with him throwing her care back in her face. The ex and mum have mentioned councilling but if he's going to ignore the problem then not much can be done. Yes, he's grieving nan, but it seems like some other problems surfaced and he needs to take care of them himself. Still, depression is not an excuse to treat a loved one like dirt. Yes, it does happen, but in ending the relationship and pushing her away rudely he's now got to learn that people who you discard don't always come back.

 

OP, I know he's going through a tough spot but the last thing you need is to be made to feel like a failure for caring. He broke up with you. You didn't want him to, so now you have permission to mourn as well. Go NC. If he apologises for treating you the way he did then consider finding ways to help him.You're not a stressball for him to squeeze when he feels angsty, you are a willing partner trying to show love that he has discarded.

 

I am confused about why decided on setting up a Tinder date, though. Your ex meant a lot to you and, though you are lonely, do you really think it is wise to start seeing somebody else? Would you drop someone new in a heartbeat if your ex changed his mind? Are you hoping to make him jealous? I think you've had enough drama for the time being. Spend some time alone working on yourself and maybe you will get a reachout.

Edited August 5, 2018 by CKJD

[Beachead]

I'm going to approach this from a compassionate standpoint because this guy's change in behaviour began after the death of someone he loved.

 

There is less than a handful of people in my life that could shut me down and make me distance from everything if they passed away. I wonder if this is what his nan was to him. If that's the case, he could be lost in his grief and all this drama with other females, his anger and rudeness could all be a function of that.

 

If you stay in it and try to force yourself on him when he is in this state-of-mind, you'll burn yourself out and he'll probably push you away anyway. So, take a step back.

 

Sometimes, loving someone is stepping back and giving them the space and time they need to sort themselves out, even when it inconveniences or hurts you. It's not a easy thing to do at all because it requires you to hold on somewhat but also let go and so you not being able to commit to either direction fully leaves you in a state of limbo of not being able to move on. That's why you will never find many people out there who will remain loyal for people at their worst. Most just put themselves first, give up and leave.

 

Let him act out his feelings and thoughts and do stupid things and stay away from it as he wants you to. When the day comes when you feel like other aspects of your life are being impacted by being in limbo like this, that's when you'll let him go. It'll just happen.

 

I strongly advise you not to date, hookup, or be with anyone else right now. You are compromised emotionally from this and you love him. Stay away from those people who are leading you to do such things as well or tell them to f*ck off. It's not what you need right now. Instead, spend time with family and close friends who truly care for you and give yourself alone time to work on your own life and at the same time be strong for him by giving him the space that he needs. Do not make his actions about you. If your bond is strong, he'll come back and you two will make it.

 

- Beach

Edited August 6, 2018 by Beachead