Struggling with a breakup

[Zahara]

I think one of my biggest problems and strengths is that I'm a 'fixer'. I'd like to make things right between us in terms of at least being friendly if not friends. However it is very confusing that I genuinely want to do this for the sole reason of the friendship itself; but she cannot or will not allow herself to do that. I guess it's because she doesn't feel like I have moved on and would use the friendship things as a sneaky way of trying to get back together?

 

And of course there's no hatred from her, or me, I just think I allowed things to get nasty and said/did things I regret.

 

Well, the reality is that you can't be friends or be friendly. Not now, not until you have reached a level of healing whereby your emotions are not affected by her.

 

There is no friendship here. The only reason a dumpee suggests friendship is because they are afraid to let go. It's their way of keeping a foot in the door because the thought of completely disengaging is daunting and extremely uncomfortable.

[Zahara]

Hmm I'd like to think she'd find it within herself to forgive me, truly. I have apologised to her; but she still retains a lot of what I consider to be anger toward me.

 

Yes, and she may have already forgiven you. Forgiveness is for her, not for you. And she doesn't have to announce. it. You apologized and asked for forgiveness. You did your part. Now let her process it. And forgiveness doesn't mean she has to talk to you or be your friend.

 

And maybe she is still angry but allow others to process their feelings in their own time and in their own way. You can't dictate what she must and must not do in order for it to be comfortable for you.

Edited August 28, 2018 by Zahara

[Gingerbaker]

Yes, and she may have already forgiven you. Forgiveness is for her, not for you. And she doesn't have to announce. it. You apologized and asked for forgiveness. You did your part. Now let her process it. And maybe she is still angry but allow others to process their feelings in their own time and in their own way. You can't dictate what she must and must not do in order for it to be comfortable for you.

 

This. For a very long time I was trying to make her feel something that she wasn't. Like you said, let sleeping dogs lay. I make my own closure. She may or may not come round to being in contact again. I hope she does, but it will definitely be on her terms and in her own time.

[Zahara]

This. For a very long time I was trying to make her feel something that she wasn't. Like you said, let sleeping dogs lay. I make my own closure.

 

Yes, that's exactly it. You have to create your own closure in order for you to move on. You apologized and you asked her for forgiveness. You did your part and you let go. The priority is to be at peace with this and to focus solely on your healing.

[Gingerbaker]

Any tips of how to do this? Or is it just..time?

[Zahara]

Any tips of how to do this? Or is it just..time?

 

Time and what you do with that time.

 

I had a girlfriend who spent a year trying to get over a break-up. All she did was mope about him and follow his every move on social media. A year later she was still stuck.

 

So, time and how you invest in that time. This is where you reinvent and rebuild your life again. You need to start becoming emotionally and mentally independent. Head to the gym. Start exercising. Endorphins will do you a world of good. Getting in shape will help boost your self-esteem. See a therapist if you feel you have deep rooted issues that need working on. It will also help you find clarity. Set goals for yourself and achieve them. You will feel accomplished and good about yourself. Travel. Plan a trip on your own. It's empowering. Take some classes. Dive into something you've always wanted to explore. Find a cause you love and volunteer. You'll appreciate the perspective it gives you. Go to meetups and meet positive minded people. Make friends. Lean on your family and seek their love and support. You need to fill the void that you've been left with.

 

Also, stay away from social media.

 

Even with all that, you will still feel the grief and despair but don't stop moving. Healing isn't linear so let the emotion come, embrace it, don't fight it and like a wave it will go. Don't be hard on yourself when you feel stuck but understand that a break-up is akin to the death of a loved one. Grieving and healing is a long journey. So, be gentle and don't be so critical of yourself.

Edited August 28, 2018 by Zahara

[bathtub-row]

The thing is, you get closure by changing your perspective and mind-set about this situation. You're trying to un-pull the trigger of a gun once the bullet has left the chamber. It's not possible. But, what is possible is for you to develop some perspective on everything.

 

First of all, regardless of how you pushed - unless you were really mean about it - she was flattered by it on some level. Not to say she liked it or wanted it to happen, but she was most likely flattered. Then, all the drama and craziness dies down and she and you both get back to your regular lives. Time passes. Not a peep from you. More time. Still not a peep. So, now, at this point she has most likely determined that you have actually grown up and are probably a really good guy. The two of you had something together and, believe me, you may not understand it now but with passing years, every relationship of your life is going to have a sweetness to it because our views mellow over time and we understand the absolute value of the people who were in our lives.

 

Now, picture yourself in 5 years and you bump into her on the street. You say a quick hello, the two of you talk briefly about your lives and then, maybe just before you go your separate ways, you say gently to her, "Hey, I wanted to apologize for how I behaved after we split up." She'll probably nod knowingly and grin. "Yeah," you say, making a face about how you can't believe how immature you were, "well, I just wanted to say I'm sorry. Good to see you."

 

Even if that scenario never takes place, the truth is, her thoughts about you will mellow and she'll assume - by your silence and maturity - that you've changed your ways. There is really no other fix for this, Mr. Fix It, other than to switch to stealth mode, let yourself mature to the point that you no longer feel complete shame and remorse about what you did, and show yourself that you learned from the experience by never doing that again. And, btw, that embarrassment and shame you feel is a good sign. It means you realize the gravity of what you did and how lousy it makes others feel and yourself. It's a lesson you're not likely to forget.

 

Do you think you ex doesn't understand how someone we love can make us completely nuts? Do you think you're the only one who has begged and pleaded and was willing to sell his soul to get a loved one back? Try to keep it in perspective. You didn't go out and murder an innocent child. You didn't do something so horrible that you can never, ever redeem yourself. You fell in love. You screwed it up. You went a little nuts. It happens. Now, let yourself move past it because she will, too. Not only that, she'll probably grin about it at times and wonder how you're doing now that you're a mature, grown-up man. Become that man. That's the absolute best you can do.

Edited August 29, 2018 by bathtub-row

[BluesPower]

Thanks Zahara. I'm not hopeful of reconciling or changing her mind etc, it's more that now I feel like I've woken up and can see how much of a horrible person I was to her since the split. Of course she's given me a sign; the clearest sign that she does not want to be contacted! I'd love to be able to fix that broken trust that she has for me.

 

You said thanks to Zahara... but did you actually read and understand what she actually wrote.

 

Look, understand this. You blew it, in the worst possible way. You need to let any thought of her go.

 

The best you can hope for is that she does not tell anyone that you may date at a later time, when you have grown up, what a jerk nut job you were.

 

Do you get that at all? Let it go, and learn about self respect and read a book about relationships or something.

[Gingerbaker]

Very calming thank you. Hindsight is a marvellous and terrible thing, huh. Feeling much better for not being able to contact her; not to say that I don’t hope for a day where we can look back and laugh at what I’ve done. Yes I fell in love and yes; she’s even still now very dear to me.

[preraph]

You have to stop contacting her at all. Now she knows you go off the deep end. I'm glad you regret it and maybe you've learned something and won't do it to someone else, but all that behavior makes you look desperate, and more than that, it makes you look like you don't respect her and can't take no for an answer, so it's just very bad. You can't expect her to want you back. She probably wouldn't have anyway, but now, no way. Just leave her alone, and mark this one up to experience and walk away with your dignity next time you leave someone. We have all gone too far when we're young, but you got to learn what a negative aftertaste it leaves so you stop it. Good luck. You'll find someone else. Clean slate.

[Ralph79]

Gingerbaker,

 

According to your other post, you got engaged at some point last year. Afterwards in September you stopped sleeping together and she ultimately came clan about her feelings near Christmas.

 

It's easy to give you advice looking at things from our perspective because we are not clouded by the chaos that surrounded you. But I hope you realize that the relationship should have ended there.

 

I can relate. I prolonged a relationship that was doomed long before and I tried to rationalize everything and I tried to convince my Ex and myself that things were just a momentary setback, because I didn't have the courage to let go.

 

She has moved on. And you are still fishing for breadcrumbs.

 

Even though you wouldn't admit it, I know you would still try anything to win her back. It's obvious in your posts that you still want her to be part of your life. Sadly, she doesn't want to have ANYTHING to do with you.

 

Posting here was the best thing I could do to overcome my troubles. Because I realize how pathetic I looked and acted still clamoring for a woman who decided to forget I even existed.

 

The best course of action right now is to put yourself in the best possible situation to overcome her. If it's too hard to get rid of photos and memento's , keep them locked. Cut & Paste all digital media you have of each other, save it to a USB and store it along with any photos or engagement reminders in a small box that you will keep locked up. Don't open it until you can do so lightheartedly .

 

I used to do the same hoping to share the story of my life with my children one day. When I finally met someone else and had a baby, I realized that those mementos I kept were of ZERO value now. I was able to throw them away after I realized that the only part of my life worth treasuring is today. I make the most of my time with my family.

 

Yes, we are not perfect but I'm happy and grateful for each day I am able to enjoy with them. My point is, I was in the exact same situation you were, but I wouldn't be able to get to this point today had I kept centering my life on how to deal every minor detail about my Ex.

 

You can't do it overnight. My best advice is to try something different, try something new. Push yourself to try new hobbies, make new friends. You might feel uncomfortable at first, or worse yet you might feel that it doesn't make a difference. But believe me it does. Looking back at every step I took to overcome my divorce, everything I did, including posted here, contributed a little bit towards my recovery. Just keep at it and don't give up.

[Gingerbaker]

Ralph79; thank you for being encouraging!

 

Truth is, once she brought it up at Christmas, we did try and make it work; doing exactly what you said thinking it was a rut or whatever.

 

You are indeed correct about wanting to be in her life, and what I've worked out since I've come through the crazy phase is that **I cannot do anything to force my way into her life**. I'm content enough with myself and getting better everyday; but I would like to be forgiven by myself and by her. You say it's an unhealthy thing to do; but I am moving on and seeing the relationship for how it was at the end; yet I do immensely care for her and will leave a space for her to slot into my life. Not holding on; though it sounds like it I know!

 

Cheers

[Gingerbaker]

Just a quick bump for this; I could do with some advice & support. We’ve had very minimal contact the last few weeks save a few emails arranging a time when I can go and see our dog. I’ve kept it very business-like and brief; and have arranged to take him out later this week. I’m looking forward to seeing him as it’s been a couple of months but am slightly nervous to see her. I’m in a positive frame of mind; and getting better every day, and really don’t want to say anything to upset the kinda status quo at this point. Any hints on how best to approach this would be much appreciated.

[ExpatInItaly]

Just say hello and let her hand off the dog to you, so you can go and play in the park alone with the pup. You don't really need to engage in a lot of conversation with er.

 

Sooner or later, you two will have to sort out what to do with the dog. I know it's very hard, as I'm a lifelong dog-owner myself, but you likely won't be able to continue going to see him indefinitely. At some point, she probably won't want her ex coming by anymore, know what I mean? What will you do when she gets a new boyfriend and he's there when you take the dog out?

[Gingerbaker]

Sound advice, of course.

 

The pup will always always live with her; there’s less than zero chance of me having him. I’m ok with that; for many reasons around both hers and my own work patterns. However she is kind and fair enough to let me see him for the time being, and I think until I either get to a place of indifference about the dog or she outright says it would be better if I didn’t swing by anymore for whatever reason, I’d quite like to go have fun with him? Her mum sometimes texts and says that he misses me, which is hard to hear :/

[preraph]

I'm sure there's times she wouldn't mind someone sitting the dog when she goes out of town or whatever. Tell her you'd be very happy if she'd let you take the dog for a day or weekend sometime when it's convenient for her. Don't try to do it at her place. Just pick the dog up.

[Gingerbaker]

Dreading it now tbh. It’ll be the first time I’ve seen pup in months and her in about 5 weeks. Zero idea what to say or do. Kinda regret asking to see him now

[Zahara]

Dreading it now tbh. It’ll be the first time I’ve seen pup in months and her in about 5 weeks. Zero idea what to say or do. Kinda regret asking to see him now

 

This is not a good idea. You have wound. You need to let it heal. Instead, this dog is going to create a lifeline and it’s going to keep digging at your wound.

 

I understand you’re attached to the dog but self-preservation is most important. You’re not capable of being indifferent when you’re still emotionally attached to her.

[ExpatInItaly]

Dreading it now tbh. It’ll be the first time I’ve seen pup in months and her in about 5 weeks. Zero idea what to say or do. Kinda regret asking to see him now

 

As much as you want to see the dog, I would not recommend it right now. It's going to hurt you too much when you see her.

[Ralph79]

Dreading it now tbh. It’ll be the first time I’ve seen pup in months and her in about 5 weeks. Zero idea what to say or do. Kinda regret asking to see him now

 

When I was younger and still living with my parents, we had a dog that graced us with her company for 17 years. I was crying and devastated when we sat down as a family and decided to put her to sleep because she couldn't eat anymore because she was ridden with tumors. I recall the day I took her to the vet she looked excited for the first time in weeks, as if she knew that she was finally going to get to rest. The vet saw her and told me "I am so glad you guys finally decided to do this. She was suffering". We buried her ourselves with the help of some workers. I know firsthand the irreplaceable value of pets in families.

 

Having said that...

 

Get another pet.

 

Again, put yourself in the best possible situation to overcome this. If this dog really mattered that much to you, you would have made room in your life for him. Instead, you know it's not convenient for you to have him around, so you deemed it best if your dog stayed with your Ex.

 

Being brutally honest with yourself, are you sure you didn't do this as a means to keep the connection alive with your Ex?

 

You don't have to see this Pup. You can cancel the visit at any time. And to be honest, with all the advice that other posters have told you already, and your candid confession that you dread going there just for the sake of seeing the Pup, if you go through with this, it'll just be an excuse to see her. And you know it.

[Gingerbaker]

Being brutally honest with myself:

 

I wanted to see my dog.

 

Yes it's unfortunate that the ex has him, and that if I want to see him I do have to see her. And yes I was dreading it but actually; you know what, why let her bother me like that? It's only me that was dreading it in my head. Took advice from here, and my friends: we probably exchanged twenty words total, she was ice cold (not like I was expecting a red carpet reception anyway). I was calm and warm, and left it like that.

 

I'm not going to ask to see him again; it gives her too much control of my life - why should I ask her permission to take time out of my day, drive an hour down the road and see my pup? It's stupid.

[bathtub-row]

Being brutally honest with myself:

 

I wanted to see my dog.

 

Yes it's unfortunate that the ex has him, and that if I want to see him I do have to see her. And yes I was dreading it but actually; you know what, why let her bother me like that? It's only me that was dreading it in my head. Took advice from here, and my friends: we probably exchanged twenty words total, she was ice cold (not like I was expecting a red carpet reception anyway). I was calm and warm, and left it like that.

 

I'm not going to ask to see him again; it gives her too much control of my life - why should I ask her permission to take time out of my day, drive an hour down the road and see my pup? It's stupid.

 

It's tough when you love the pet. I'm sorry you're going through this. Sometimes life is just no fun. After a little time goes by, why not take a drive to a shelter and get yourself a little pup that needs some cuddles and a home.

[Marc878]

Learn from this. You probably freaked her out.

 

It's just a dog. Get a new one.

 

Stay as far away and zero contact. You did way to much damage here.

[Gingerbaker]

So it's been a couple of weeks or so since I last was here; and I'm feeling a lot different about it all!

 

Acceptance of the split is one thing (I'm 100% accepting!) but I think the most important thing for me was to actively take the decision to not to try to understand *why* her feelings changed. Because if i try to understand, then I'll extrapolate a "fix" from that.

 

Also, it may sound harsh but none of this really matters in a way. It's one of those things that I guess come along in life, and really really suck for a bit; but you learn from them; and that's why I'm totally happy to see her again when or if that's ever a possibility. I spent far too long trying to change her mind and feelings in order to recreate the past - but that's gone; and hell yeah it taught me a lot about myself! The future is the only path that is open; and there's lots of people out there in it. Someone better than her for sure, and I've realised: that "someone better" could be her. I'm not hoping or wishing for it to be her, only that, it could be. I definitely know I'm a better & different person for a) being with her and b) breaking up with her.

 

Thanks for your help; all x

[Gingerbaker]

Hey gang, it's been a while. See my previous posts for context.

 

Update: its been pretty much three months of next to no contact; which to be honest whilst being hard has also been incredibly useful. We had a brief text conversation this week, vaguely catching up but nothing too serious. I do feel ready to see her with no emotional attachments from my end, and I suggested maybe going for a drink at some point. She replied 'it's not something I want right now, I'm sorry, I just don't have anything to say'.

 

Which is totally fine; I just wanted your thoughts on why that might be? I've got nothing to give to her but all the love and proudness of sharing a very special few years together, I harbour no hard feelings or ill will, and do hope one day we might be able to reconcile to a point of mutual friendship. I have no desires or agenda to 'get her back'; the no contact period has helped me appreciate both the good and the bad things about our time together, and I've recognized that despite the good reasons to love and care for and about her, there's also many reasons why we weren't a good fit at the end.

 

All advice greatly appreciated.