COBdubz Posted August 3, 2018 Posted August 3, 2018 My boyfriend and I broke up after almost 9 years together... I live in a new city and just don't have any friends, my family lives 5 states away, and I just don't have anyone to talk to about it. I can barely keep it together at work, I don't want to eat, and everything I see makes me want to cry because of some memory of us. I keep finding old cards, love notes, etc... I just don't know how to get over this. It's like my best friend died, we've been dating for 1/3 of my life, and I just don't know how to not be around him, hang out every weekend, text him funny videos, etc... I know I sound absolutely pathetic, cliche, etc... but it's just getting really hard to do life right now.
hope86 Posted August 3, 2018 Posted August 3, 2018 (edited) do you pray to god? worshipping god is helping me the most to get through this breakup hell. Also do you know the effect a breakup has on your mind? It's like a drug addict's withdrawal. That's what I read. So clearly it's painful. Edited August 3, 2018 by hope86
ExpatInItaly Posted August 3, 2018 Posted August 3, 2018 I'm sorry, OP. Break-ups are just terrible, especially after a long relationship. Rest assured, you don't sound pathetic at all. You sound like a totally normal person experiencing a very difficult life event. What led to the break-up? Sometimes sharing the reasons helps bring some clarity as to why a break-up was and will be for the best.
Author COBdubz Posted August 3, 2018 Author Posted August 3, 2018 do you pray to god? worshipping god is helping me the most to get through this breakup hell. Also do you know the effect a breakup has on your mind? It's like a drug addict's withdrawal. That's what I read. So clearly it's painful. I haven't been to church since middle school... I feel like I wouldn't even know how to do it, especially since I'm a bit more "spiritual" than "religious", if that makes sense.
Author COBdubz Posted August 3, 2018 Author Posted August 3, 2018 I'm sorry, OP. Break-ups are just terrible, especially after a long relationship. Rest assured, you don't sound pathetic at all. You sound like a totally normal person experiencing a very difficult life event. What led to the break-up? Sometimes sharing the reasons helps bring some clarity as to why a break-up was and will be for the best. It was so many things. I mean firstly, if this doesn't sound too petty or girly.. almost 9 years without a proposal? We talked about marriage, getting a dog, how we wanted our future house, etc... on almost a daily basis, so it's not like it was something he didn't want. I even moved across the country, away from our families and friends with him after we graduated college so he could pursue his PHD. We've supported each-other's goals, do everything together, love each-other's families, etc... I think over the past 2 years or so we've just become roommates, partly due to the fact that nothing was seeming to move forward. He (admittedly) is just very emotionally shallow, while I am very in-tune and showing of mine, so this was very difficult for us both. We've tried couples counseling, everything.. But by the end, I couldn't bring myself to be physically in the relationship any more, which is something that is HUGE to him. But how can I be in it physically when I didn't get ANY sort of emotional support, commitment or loving vibes? It was just like being with a really good friend.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 3, 2018 Posted August 3, 2018 But by the end, I couldn't bring myself to be physically in the relationship any more, which is something that is HUGE to him. But how can I be in it physically when I didn't get ANY sort of emotional support, commitment or loving vibes? It was just like being with a really good friend. I understand that completely. I have been there. It sounds like you two really tried, but ultimately realized you have incompatible future goals, in terms of marriage and so forth. It's hard, but when you heal, you will be glad you freed yourself of a relationship in which you were not happy anymore. 1
ThreeRainbows Posted August 3, 2018 Posted August 3, 2018 It sounds like the man you were with was not very emotionally available. The best advice I can give is to work on yourself, so that you no longer attract and are attracted to emotionally unavailable people. I would read books on attachment theory, which can give some insight into what went wrong in your relationship. Try working on your self-esteem. The reason I suggest self-esteem work is because of the way you worded your post. "if this doesn't sound too petty or girly.." It's OK if it does sound petty or girly. Nothing wrong with girly, and you know your intentions are good, so even if it came across as petty, that would not be the truth. Nothing wrong with your unique perspective, as long as you're not hurting anyone else. You owe no one apologies or justifications. 1
hope86 Posted August 3, 2018 Posted August 3, 2018 (edited) I love girly girls, the one I lost was girly so please more girly girls in this world for me please! I read somewhere that girls are able to move on although their initial pain is higher while guys never move on so you're in luck. Edited August 3, 2018 by hope86 1
hope86 Posted August 3, 2018 Posted August 3, 2018 (edited) I haven't been to church since middle school... I feel like I wouldn't even know how to do it, especially since I'm a bit more "spiritual" than "religious", if that makes sense. I'm not trying to make you more religious or anything but when you have a moment to think about it, you will need something to hold on to. Nothing better than begging god to heal you, to get you through this pain. I keep god's image underneath my pillow and cry to him to heal me and to forgive me and to cure me. I feel that no amount of explanations can heal emotional wounds unless you turn to a higher power that actually brought you that wound in the first place.(for reasons that don't quite make sense to you at this point). So it makes sense to me that you ask god for strength and healing to get you through this. Meditation only helps you in that moment but I find that meditation needs practice and patience so it's not easy to just start meditating when you haven't been doing it a lot or you're good at it. What I'm seeing is that these bouts of really hopeless feelings come at you like a 100 foot wave without warning. No amount of deep breathing,explanations can you help you there but rather pleading for god to help you and cure you helps. Edited August 3, 2018 by hope86
ThreeRainbows Posted August 3, 2018 Posted August 3, 2018 I love girly girls, the one I lost was girly so please more girly girls in this world for me please! I read somewhere that girls are able to move on although their initial pain is higher while guys never move on so you're in luck. Whether OP is a guy or a girl, there is nothing wrong with being girly. Just be yourself. 1
hope86 Posted August 3, 2018 Posted August 3, 2018 Whether OP is a guy or a girl, there is nothing wrong with being girly. Just be yourself. Be yourself but also important to become the best version of yourself.
ThreeRainbows Posted August 3, 2018 Posted August 3, 2018 Any good book recommendations? I am not sure what best applies to your relationship, but I have read Bad Boyfriends: Using Attachment Theory to Avoid Mr. (or Ms.) Wrong and Make You a Better Partner by Jeb Kinnison. It was very enlightening. Your partner might have avoidant attachment style. Hard to tell from your post, but if you read about it, you will know. About 50% of single men have it, so it is a common thing, especially among dumpers of LTRs. This book can also help you to identify your own attachment style. He also has other great books on the subject. Good luck to you.
hope86 Posted August 3, 2018 Posted August 3, 2018 I'm going to buy this How to Fix a Broken Heart by Guy Winch.
BC1980 Posted August 4, 2018 Posted August 4, 2018 Nine years is entirely too long to date someone without marrying them. Unless you both genuinely don't want marriage, which is almost never the case. I don't blame either of you for checking out. At that point, the relationship isn't moving forward, so why invest more? It's hard to go through for sure. You'll have good and bad days, but you'll move on. You'll be happier out of that relationship in the end.
DontBreakEven Posted August 4, 2018 Posted August 4, 2018 Any good book recommendations? The Wisdom of a Broken Heart by Susan Piver. 10 years ago my fiance broke up with me for not being physically in the relationship anymore. (I later came out of denial about being gay, but regardless). The point is, I get it. You are grieving the loss of your best friend. BUT. Once you have a good physical and emotional relationship (beyond him), you will see in retrospect why this was for the best. If you were pulling back physically for the past 2 years, imagine how the next 50 years of marriage would be. Better to get out now before you've got 4 kids and he's having an affair.
Author COBdubz Posted August 6, 2018 Author Posted August 6, 2018 Right? We did both want it, and we talked about it all the time! He even told me multiple times that he had a ring and was just waiting for the right time... I just don't get it.
Author COBdubz Posted August 7, 2018 Author Posted August 7, 2018 True that... it's just really, really sad, because we really do thoroughly enjoy being around together, have all the same desires, hobbies, likes, etc... I just feel like my best friend died, but it's worse because he's still here, living his life with people that aren't me. And I have no "reason" to tell people. He' was still totally in love with me when I broke it off (10 days ago), he's gorgeous, getting his PHD, family loves him, etc... Hard to justify just not wanting to cuddle on the couch, or that he hasn't proposed, etc... It's just so messed up.
hope86 Posted August 8, 2018 Posted August 8, 2018 FWIW I tell myself that life isn't permanent. That thought seems to have a calming effect on me. It's not that I have given up but its liberating to know that no matter how good your partner is or was, it's not permanent.
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