letmein Posted July 25, 2018 Posted July 25, 2018 My ex and I were on break. Today we spoke on the phone for the first time in a week. I spent that time admitting my faults in the relationship, asking for another chance. She was still mad at some mistake I made (manipulating her into admitting the truth that she had sex with some dude instead of just making out). She was crying on the other line saying she missed me and she loved me but she needed to be alone. She wasn't going to forgive me. She had cheated on me in the relationship and I forgave her for that. There's nothing else I can do. And the kicker - she said I could still text her.
Gretchen12 Posted July 25, 2018 Posted July 25, 2018 Oh so now you're the jerk for "manipulating" her to tell the truth about cheating on you. That's a new one. Do you not see how she's treating you? But no matter what she says to you, she still has to face herself and she has guilt, she can't forgive herself. That's why she can't reconcile. If you don't forgive her, she'll have to ask you to give her another chance. She needs to go through that. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 25, 2018 Posted July 25, 2018 This sounds completely backwards - she cheated, yet you are the one apologizing? And now she needs to "be alone"? No, OP. She doesn't want to be with you anymore but wants to take the blame off herself for having sex with someone else. It's the immature cheater's way to exit a relationship that they don't want to be in anymore, to turn it around and blame the betrayed partner. Your relationship was already over, whether or not you "manipulated" her into being honest about cheating. The cheating is what killed it, not your insistence that she tell the truth about it. 2
sneezy Posted July 25, 2018 Posted July 25, 2018 so, I am going to tell you a girls perspective..I am sure you love her and cannot see this situation like most of us do. But I know how I behaved in my relationship because I truly loved the men I was with people who love dont do this kind of bull****..and to be honest she is a little narcissistic. Let her be, let her do her own thing and try to give yourself the love you deserve, form inside out not necessarily from another lover. I know it s hard but use this time to reflect on your values and picture yourself in the future ..see how do you see yourself. Antoher veryyyy good exercise is to imagine the situation in witch she come back to you , apologies and sais she wants to start fresh with you..could you trust her? How would you feel around her? Imagine feeling all those feelings sitting next to her and knowing she cheated.. Im sorry to give you this advice, this one helped me very much.
Normm Posted July 25, 2018 Posted July 25, 2018 She was still mad at some mistake I made (manipulating her into admitting the truth that she had sex with some dude instead of just making out) You need to get yourself some self respect. Look everywhere. Hopefully you'll find it and you'll tell her what she can do with her "you made a mistake by manipulating me into confessing my affair".
frigginlost Posted July 25, 2018 Posted July 25, 2018 My ex and I were on break. Today we spoke on the phone for the first time in a week. I spent that time admitting my faults in the relationship, asking for another chance. She was still mad at some mistake I made (manipulating her into admitting the truth that she had sex with some dude instead of just making out). She was crying on the other line saying she missed me and she loved me but she needed to be alone. She wasn't going to forgive me. She had cheated on me in the relationship and I forgave her for that. There's nothing else I can do. And the kicker - she said I could still text her. That's awesome! Send her this: "Hey hoe, enjoy your life of being on more wieners than mustard. Get lost, and stay there." Seriously dude, grab your sack.
Normm Posted July 25, 2018 Posted July 25, 2018 Send her this: Not this. ^ The best response is to ignore her. Sends a much stronger message. The type of message quoted above screams that you are an immature crybaby who holds onto anger and is trying to provoke a response in a person who he still has feelings for. 1
frigginlost Posted July 25, 2018 Posted July 25, 2018 Not this. ^ The best response is to ignore her. Sends a much stronger message. The type of message quoted above screams that you are an immature crybaby who holds onto anger and is trying to provoke a response in a person who he still has feelings for. Lol! Please... Waaaay past the ignore stage. That should have taken place when he found out she cheated. He forgave her and then she "spun it" into him apologizing to her. Ignoring her at this point would solidify to her that he is weak. Throwing her actions in back in her face would get him back some of the self-respect he needs.
Normm Posted July 25, 2018 Posted July 25, 2018 Throwing her actions in back in her face would get him back some of the self-respect he needs. He didn't handle it well initially but it's never too late to move on and simply go dark on her. Sends a much stronger message than an angry rant. 1
ThreeRainbows Posted July 25, 2018 Posted July 25, 2018 He didn't handle it well initially but it's never too late to move on and simply go dark on her. Sends a much stronger message than an angry rant. This. Don't send the rant. You'll feel worse if you do. You'll get more of your self-respect back by ignoring her. You know she's a narcissist, right? What she did there, by making you apologize, is called turning the tables. It's a form of projection. She's projecting all of her bad feelings about her actions on you. 1
frigginlost Posted July 25, 2018 Posted July 25, 2018 This. Don't send the rant. You'll feel worse if you do. You'll get more of your self-respect back by ignoring her. You know she's a narcissist, right? What she did there, by making you apologize, is called turning the tables. It's a form of projection. She's projecting all of her bad feelings about her actions on you. Disagree completely. This guy has been made to look the complete and total fool in her eyes. Have you ever dealt with a narc? I have, for years. When a narc "wins" by projecting their feelings onto another person, and are not called out on it, they have done exactly what the have set out to do. It gets sooooo very tiring of society not holding peoples feet to the fire in which they create themselves. "Just ignore, you'll feel better. Oh, just bury it and they will realize it". Total B.S. Jam her actions right back down her throat, **THEN** go silent.
ThreeRainbows Posted July 25, 2018 Posted July 25, 2018 In the moment, that will feel good. When you see it makes no difference, and she could care less, you will feel worse. Up to you, though. 1
frigginlost Posted July 25, 2018 Posted July 25, 2018 In the moment, that will feel good. When you see it makes no difference, and she could care less, you will feel worse. Up to you, though. Agreed. She could care less if she's a true narc, but it will cause her to alter her projections at him should he decide he wants to remain friendly. One of my best friends is a full-blown narc. We've known each other for close to 35 years. He has cheated in every relationship he has ever had (marriage, girlfriends, you name it) and if you were to ask him about any of his ex-girlfriends, he will answer one of two ways. Those that went silent on him he will say "we're cool it just didn't work out." and those that called him on it and then went silent he will say "I don't know, man. I think she hates me, but that's bitches for you". The first group of girls get to swallow all the BS he did and get to think back on getting screwed over royally never having their say. He sees their silence as their acceptance that everything is hunky dory with them. The second group gets to make him think what he did to cause it. He'll never "get it" but he can never use that relationship as a "weapon" to land another girl because of how much of a great guy he is. He's a damn predator. I have been able to maintain a "friendship" with him only because I know not to trust him, and I call him out on every ounce of BS he tries to feed me. For some reason, he respects that.
Normm Posted July 25, 2018 Posted July 25, 2018 He's a damn predator. I have been able to maintain a "friendship" with him only because I know not to trust him, and I call him out on every ounce of BS he tries to feed me. Why maintain a friendship with such a negative human being? It's not like he's the only one on the planet. Says more about you than it does about him.
HiCrunchy Posted July 25, 2018 Posted July 25, 2018 That's awesome! Send her this: "Hey hoe, enjoy your life of being on more wieners than mustard. Get lost, and stay there." Seriously dude, grab your sack. Lol u made me spit out my drink. But dont send this just let it go and block/delete. She is a manipulator. Sometimes I think exes can be friends (after a bit of NC), but as a cheater with no regret...nope. block and delete
ThreeRainbows Posted July 25, 2018 Posted July 25, 2018 Agreed. She could care less if she's a true narc, but it will cause her to alter her projections at him should he decide he wants to remain friendly. The first group of girls get to swallow all the BS he did and get to think back on getting screwed over royally never having their say. He sees their silence as their acceptance that everything is hunky dory with them. The second group gets to make him think what he did to cause it. He'll never "get it" but he can never use that relationship as a "weapon" to land another girl because of how much of a great guy he is. No, it won't change her projections much. She will write it off as your problem. Nothing wrong with her. By going NC, you are walking the walk. Not talking the talk. If you send a letter, it's specifically going against what you're saying to do - i.e. telling her she's out of your life. You're actually giving her attention. She'll sense this. 1
frigginlost Posted July 25, 2018 Posted July 25, 2018 No, it won't change her projections much. She will write it off as your problem. Nothing wrong with her. By going NC, you are walking the walk. Not talking the talk. If you send a letter, it's specifically going against what you're saying to do - i.e. telling her she's out of your life. You're actually giving her attention. She'll sense this. Let's agree to disagree. The bottom line is we both want what's best for the OP. It's up to him on how he gets there.
NopeNah Posted July 26, 2018 Posted July 26, 2018 That's awesome! Send her this: "Hey hoe, enjoy your life." I wouldn't even talk to her,but if I did..
Normm Posted July 26, 2018 Posted July 26, 2018 Let's agree to disagree. The bottom line is we both want what's best for the OP. It's up to him on how he gets there. We may all want what's best for the Op but some advice is clearly better than others. Sending an angry message will not get him closer to his goal which is to move on without her.
frigginlost Posted July 26, 2018 Posted July 26, 2018 We may all want what's best for the Op but some advice is clearly better than others. Sending an angry message will not get him closer to his goal which is to move on without her. Dude, get over it! Just because we disagree on how we would handle it, does not mean that either one of our opinions is incorrect. Not every person's personality is identical. I disagree with you completely on how you would handle it or your opinions about it? So what? It doesn't mean I'm right, just as it doesn't mean your way is right. Enough of this BS. The OP knows whats best for him and will take the advice of multiple points given to him in a way he finds satisfactory.
Beachead Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 (edited) @frigginLost and Norm I don't see anything wrong with either of your approaches. I have admittedly told people off and have regretted it in some cases and in others, didn't regret it at all. Sometimes it can be cathartic. Alternatively, I've also walked away without saying anything and have again, regretted it in some instances and in others, didn't regret it at all. It depends on many things including where you are in your life, the relationship at hand, what this person did, and how much you know about yourself. I've learned and become far better at dealing with these kinds of things simply because I made my mistakes and so through that, I've found it is better for me to take the silent route as my preferred way to exit. - Beach Edited July 27, 2018 by Beachead 1
Author letmein Posted August 3, 2018 Author Posted August 3, 2018 My Ex-girlfriend and I broke up three weeks ago. At first we had a break and then we talked on the phone. She was still hurt and wanted to be alone. Some days passed and I asked her out to drinks a bit later so we can talk to see if getting together again would be a possibility and she said she could use a little more time. When I asked about how much - she said a week. Now it's been a week. I'm not sure if I should be the one to ask her out again or if it's her move to make?
donotmicrowave Posted August 3, 2018 Posted August 3, 2018 Go full NC, then you'll get your truth. If she is serious about you, she will contact you. If not, you can move on and find something way better. Contacting her again will guarantee that you'll chase her away. Live your life the way you wish to, for now. One day at a time. Do what makes you happy, relax, and be around people who love you and vice versa. 2
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