JEG88 Posted August 3, 2018 Posted August 3, 2018 Thread isn't what you may think from the title, please read on: My girlfriend often gets upset when I don't "fight for her" when she has an issue with things like an online order missing an item, or her coffee being made incorrectly at the shop in the morning. I do stand up and speak up and ask for a replacement at the coffee shop, and make calls to customer service for replacements and refunds. I would have thought that would be more than enough, but she always argues with me about how I'm not adamant enough when arguing about it with the shop or phone rep, or that I didn't ask for free stuff or whatnot. I always try to tell her that I understand where she's coming from and that she just wants her order right, but at the same time it's just not in my nature to make a scene at a shop or yell at someone over the phone about an order. I try to tell her this as well, but every time an issue happens her reaction is the same as above. I don't know what else to do, I'm not okay with being that guy who yells at a cashier or extorts a threefold replacement for a missing item. In the back of my mind, I kinda just want to tell her there are more important things than getting riled up about a coffee not being blended or an order not being overnighted instead of 2-day shipping. Am I overthinking this? Should I just try to be what she wants me to be?
MountainGirl111 Posted August 3, 2018 Posted August 3, 2018 I sort of cringed when I read your post. I don't think you should be what she wants you to be....be yourself....and if you're not doing everything she wants you to do, that's life. It's 2018 and women are perfectly capable of being assertive for what they need; what they pay for, etc. It's her coffee. let her speak up for herself if it's not right....or let it go. I tend to be like you and don't get too upset over things like that. I don't think that's either right or wrong, it's just different and may have some impact on your blood pressure. I'm wondering if she is able to appreciate more important things you DO take a stand on? All of us; every last one of us ends up "picking our battles" in life. The longer we're around and with the more experiences we have...we develop a sense of what battles are worthy to "fight" and what battles are best left alone. 3
OatsAndHall Posted August 3, 2018 Posted August 3, 2018 Nope... Just... Nope... She's an adult and needs to handle those things herself. I have tossed out this line to many people over the years: "It's called your problem because it's YOUR PROBLEM, not mine." I would never think about being rude to a cashier because a girlfriend was angry with them. I will "stand up" for a significant other if they are being harassed or treated poorly by someone but I also expect them to to it for themselves as well. 3
bachdude Posted August 3, 2018 Posted August 3, 2018 She's having you do her dirty work for her and then complains you don't do it right. 2
basil67 Posted August 3, 2018 Posted August 3, 2018 Does she have a language or communication barrier which prevents her from looking after herself? If not, she's an absolute disgrace to womankind. My advice is to tell her that you need the kind of woman who is able to take care of herself. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted August 3, 2018 Posted August 3, 2018 Tell her to use her own voice if she wants to start a fight, but that you will not participate in needless argument with the barista, phone rep or her. What an entitled and juvenile attitude she has. 2
anika99 Posted August 3, 2018 Posted August 3, 2018 An adult woman speaks up for herself, she doesn't run to her boyfriend to tell on whoever pissed her off like she's a helpless little child and her boyfriend is her daddy. A mature adult woman also does not get that upset over minor things like her coffee order being incorrect. A normal woman would just politely let the server know they made a mistake and allow them to correct it while graciously accepting their apology. Someone who wants a scene created or to see people get yelled at, or who thinks their entitled to free stuff just because someone made an error is just not a kind decent human being. If that's the kind of behaviour your gf wants to see then she can do it and look like a big jerk. In the meantime I think you need to ask yourself why you are even dating her. 1
d0nnivain Posted August 3, 2018 Posted August 3, 2018 Why can't she stick up for herself? Then she won't be able to criticize how her arguments & points are being advanced.
act00 Posted August 3, 2018 Posted August 3, 2018 She's an adult, and she can manage her mishaps like any other grownup. If her order is wrong, she can make the call, and if she demands freebies and extras, she can be the one to do so...good luck with that. It is not up to you to fix her life for her. I'm sorry, but pick your battles. A replacement coffee is all that's required. If she wants to turn this into a war, that's her prerogative, but goodness gracious, is this really her hill to die on? It's certainly not yours, and why you're required to call the company regarding a mishap in shipping or ordering is beyond me. Is she 4 years old? I'm sure you'll have her back when it's really important, but to take care of temper tantrums over silly stuff is just...silly. If she wants a certain outcome, she can deal with it herself. If she wants free overnight shipping or toss in some freebies, she can make those demands. She's being completely unreasonable, but she'll learn. 1
caveman621 Posted August 3, 2018 Posted August 3, 2018 Agree with everyone who has posted. And I remember on OLD threads and others about people being VERY turned off by a date's rude treatment of wait staff. But she WANTS you to be an a**hole? She sounds self entitled. She deserves special treatment, but she's not going to do anything to receive her special treatment. That's your job. UGH! 1
fromheart Posted August 3, 2018 Posted August 3, 2018 This woman is not fit for a relationship. Better to end it with her.
kendahke Posted August 3, 2018 Posted August 3, 2018 My girlfriend often gets upset when I don't "fight for her" when she has an issue with things like an online order missing an item, or her coffee being made incorrectly at the shop in the morning. I do stand up and speak up and ask for a replacement at the coffee shop, and make calls to customer service for replacements and refunds. I would have thought that would be more than enough, but she always argues with me about how I'm not adamant enough when arguing about it with the shop or phone rep, or that I didn't ask for free stuff or whatnot. Dang, she's rapacious. Your girlfriend is a bit immature over the things she wants you to "die on the hill" for her. She just sounds like that Prince lyric: "she's never satisfied". She just might be one of those people who can't be pleased about anything. You should have to "fight for" anything... that indicates incompatibility when you have to fight for something, especially inconsequential things that don't matter in the long run. Am I overthinking this? Should I just try to be what she wants me to be? No. You need a more mature girlfriend. Let her go stress out some other guy with this nonsense.
ThreeRainbows Posted August 3, 2018 Posted August 3, 2018 I don't think this is about controlling you, so much as it has an underlying emotional reason. I think she wants to feel more loved. I'm not condoning her behavior, but if you love her, you might want to make sure you acknowledge her feelings when these things happen. You don't have to change what you actually do. Just listen to her. She feels unheard, she feels you are not recognizing how important it is to her. If you do this for her, over time, she will become less reactive. She is seeking emotional validation.
OatsAndHall Posted August 3, 2018 Posted August 3, 2018 I don't think this is about controlling you, so much as it has an underlying emotional reason. I think she wants to feel more loved. I'm not condoning her behavior, but if you love her, you might want to make sure you acknowledge her feelings when these things happen. You don't have to change what you actually do. Just listen to her. She feels unheard, she feels you are not recognizing how important it is to her. If you do this for her, over time, she will become less reactive. She is seeking emotional validation. But her feelings are not mature and "acknowledging" them is simply enabling her to continue to act poorly. Yelling at a cashier or a customer representative over the phone is not proper behavior and there's just no excuse for it. She needs to "acknowledge" that she's out of line. 2
kendahke Posted August 3, 2018 Posted August 3, 2018 OP--she is high maintenance. That's just the bottom line here. Question is: do you feel like having to manage her emotions for her every single day? If she's that stunted, she needs a therapist to help her sort this out. Getting her nose out of joint over the way her coffee was made doesn't require a fight on anyone's part: it requires her to let the barrista know her order was wrong and she doesn't have to be a vicious cow about it. There comes a time when all adults need to learn to self-soothe and your girlfriend hasn't learned this if she's shredding you over you not doing her heavy lifting on this. You have to figure out for yourself if you want to spend the next 15 years repeatedly going through this for a girlfriend. My answer would be different if she was your wife, but not a girlfriend. 1
kendahke Posted August 3, 2018 Posted August 3, 2018 But her feelings are not mature and "acknowledging" them is simply enabling her to continue to act poorly. Yelling at a cashier or a customer representative over the phone is not proper behavior and there's just no excuse for it. She needs to "acknowledge" that she's out of line. Exactly. It's time to grow up and stop tantruming.
MountainGirl111 Posted August 3, 2018 Posted August 3, 2018 I don't think this is about controlling you, so much as it has an underlying emotional reason. I think she wants to feel more loved. I'm not condoning her behavior, but if you love her, you might want to make sure you acknowledge her feelings when these things happen. You don't have to change what you actually do. Just listen to her. She feels unheard, she feels you are not recognizing how important it is to her. If you do this for her, over time, she will become less reactive. She is seeking emotional validation. I agree....there are underlying emotional issues going with this chick. If she is going to get so upset over coffee....and his not fighting for her coffee....OMG...and if she's really seeking emotional validation via coffee...OMG. She needs to pull up her big girl pants. What is going to happen when there are more serious issues at stake? 1
Lotsgoingon Posted August 3, 2018 Posted August 3, 2018 There are multiple twisted steps in her thinking right there: One, she mistakenly thinks people should go berzerk over a customer service complaint--as if she has personally been insulted. In fact, often the fastest way to get a wrong order fixed is to say exactly what you want, and avoid complaining about what you got. When I'm really on my game, I skip the complaining. Instead, I'll direct the person about what to do and what I want.Hello, I wanted my eggs scrambled (holding a plate of over-easy eggs for the waiter to take). When I do that, the waiter takes the plate and heads back to the kitchen--like in one motion. No need to complain. Two screaming at the worker in front of you may be misdirected. Might have been someone else in a workplace caused the problems. (The cook might have prepared the wrong eggs order and the server might have written the order down correctly.) And three she wants YOU to act foolishly and inappropriately on HER behalf. Question: is she generally high maintenance? Or is this an exception? And where did she learn this was a way to show love to someone? Is she from an argumentative family? Why am I thinking that this is someone who herself never admits to making a mistake? 2
preraph Posted August 3, 2018 Posted August 3, 2018 Look, I will be the first to admit that there have been times I was stretched thin and overwhelmed and desperately wished I had someone to make that phone call to AT&T or find me an electrician, but what she's asking you to do is actually gyp someone. She's miserly and wants to get stuff for free but doesn't want to be the one to do it. I would not be with someone with that mindset. Imagine the divorce! And most of all, unless she's ill or overwhelmed, she can do it her own self!! Good grief. I am someone who fights for myself all the time, but I don't try to scam someone like she's doing. She's literally wanting you to strong-arm people into giving her stuff. Not reasonable -- not a good person. Let her prod someone else. 2
Versacehottie Posted August 4, 2018 Posted August 4, 2018 Ugh she needs to learn to "fight for herself". How lame expecting her boyfriend to do it!!! And basically the examples you gave are super petty of her. It's a simple discussion of her with a coffee shop to ask them to remake the coffee etc. If she can't do that kind of stuff on her own, you've got problems ahead buddy. Good luck
MountainGirl111 Posted August 4, 2018 Posted August 4, 2018 OP, I'm gonna guess her expectations to "fight for her" over silly things really bothers you or you wouldn't have started this thread. Her true characteristics are showing and since you are only BF/GF at this point you'd best pay heed to them. How people handle situations and/or conflicts even if they are little conflicts really says a lot about someone. How people can turn everyday "situations" INTO conflicts that don't really need even BE conflicts says a lot about someone. We all make mistakes. Do we extend grace to others when there is a mistake? A few weeks ago I turned up for a Dr.'s appt. which I am pretty sure I had "right", but they told me, "We don't have you down for an appt. today." The gal was very apologetic and said she couldn't get me into an appt for another 5 days. I just told her, "That's okay." She was so relieved I wasn't put out or miffed. And then she said, "You're so kind....". And I thought, hmmm she must deal with people who get ticked over stuff like this and expected more of the same. I didn't think I was being "kind"....I just reacted how I usually do...but SHE felt it was an act of kindness and if it made her day go better it was worth it. 1
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